If pets were flat mates

[60sbird]

What do yours do thats a bit strange

I’ll start with, My Flat mate likes to sleep with my dirty underwear and also likes to watch me on the toilet

I love playing with my flatmate's toes and tickling his tummy.

One of mine treats the place like a hotel, only coming to eat, sleep, and shit. He shits in a box and leaves it there. The other two fight over who can eat his shit. The latter two are currently having massive anxiety attacks because there is a strange man (from the gas board) doing something on the drive and they aren't allowed to go an inspect him.

My flat mate sits as close as possible to me while I eat. He also gets into bed with me and licks the back of my knees.

One of my flatmates is easily annoyed and stomps when cross. Luckily, she is easily placated with food.
My other flatmate looks a bit scruffy and occasionally licks me.
My other flatmate cries downstairs at night and has to be called upstairs like a vampire (calling isn't enough either, there has to be visual contact). He sometimes aggressively licks his brother's head.
My other flatmate digs their nails into me. Apparently I should feel honoured but I don't.

My older flatmate claims not to be able to get back in the house and wakes the neighbourhood yelling her head off in the small hours of the morning. She sleeps on my head and pulls all the tissues out of the box if she isn't fed on time.

My younger flatmate shouts about his lack of food in the mornings and evenings and likes endless snuggles on my lap until he doesn't, when he scratches and bites me. He also brings rats in, mostly but not always dead.

My flatmate humps cushions in the living room.

She is also scared of her own farts so will run away from them.

She's terrified of flies, fireworks and thunderstorms.

She also had to have her stomach pumped once for eating psilocybin containing (psychedelic) mushrooms.

One of my flatmates is a sadistic torturer of small animals. The other likes to eat spiders in front of me. They frequently beat each other up just for fun. As well as keeping a roof over their heads, they expect me to be chef, masseuse and concierge all rolled into one. Total freeloaders, the pair of them.

On the plus side, it's been a while since either of my flatmates shat in my bed.

Every morning when it gets light, my flat mate noisily pushes the door of the bedroom, jumps on the bed and sits on my chest as close to my face as possible. He then sticks his hand up my nose or licks the side of my mouth to wake me up. If that doesn’t work he will sit on my head and breathe as noisily as possible.

My flat mate also: eats spiders with a disgusting chomping sound, leaves headless corpses displayed on the hallway rug for guests to admire and has no concept of personal space, delighting in tripping you up if you dare to use the stairs. Sometimes he lies on the neighbours roof and stares menacingly at them. Mostly friendly but occasionally will bite for no apparent reason If he does a particularly satisfying poo will emit a loud yowling sound and run around the house for a few minutes.

My flatmate lies on his back with his big hairy balls in the air and his legs akimbo. It’s not a pleasant sight!

Mine is currently licking me

My housemate swallows whole socks and then regurgitates them two days later on the landing.

I’m loving these, mine is playing piano on my thighs as I type this, it’s amazing what we will put up with from non rent paying flat mates

My flatmate lies on his back with his big hairy balls in the air and his legs akimbo. It’s not a pleasant sight!

Fortunately one of my flatmates was rendered ball-less before he moved in (I was not a party to this so he cannot give me the Judgey Looks)

The other flatemate never had balls to begin with .

As my flatmates are twins , we often idendify them as "The one without testicles or the one that never had them to not have now "

My bloody flat mat took an open door dump right in front of the people viewing my house today. Stank the room out. Thankfully they have flat mates so know what it's like.

My flat mates are always smiling and hardly ever eat.

I have two flat mates. One likes to lick the coals in the fireplace. The other insists my head is a good place to sleep at night. They both wander around naked and don't care if the neighbours see them.

AIBU to think my flatmate's behaviour is entitled and rude.

I was in the middle of changing my (our) bed when she came bounding up the stairs, leapt onto the bed and settled down to watch me.

I hadn't even had time to properly straighten the duvet cover. She watched me put the pillow cases on and put the pillows on the bed then settled down on the nice clean, plumped up duvet to sleep.

My flat mate lays near the kitchen table and farts very loudly whilst we eat dinner.

My flatmate shouts at the post man when he comes to the house and then acts like nothing happened when she sees him in the street. ( Actually, i did have a human flatmate who was a bit like that, once. )

My flat mates love nothing more than bounding around the living room fighting over an old wine cork.

My flat mate woke me up this morning by getting into bed with me and DH and wiping her nose all over my face. I let her do it because she is so cute

My flatmates watch me take a dump and plead for snacks half way through.
One of them has been know to sleep on my dirty pants and will hide under the duvet if he hears a ladder/window cleaners.
The other likes to physically abuse me (scratch my arms) if I show her any affection and will decapitate any bird/mouse/moth that crosses her path.

My flatmate follows me wherever I go but she is just so gorgeous I can't stop ruffling her hair and kissing her head.

My flatmate has a bad habit of eating her dinner as fast as she can so she can try and get stuck into mine too.

My flat mate jumps his bed on a regular basis. He also robs all the ham from the fridge.

Occasionally he has been known to zoom round the living room rubbing himself alone the floor.