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Original poster

If you have no parental help, how do you cope with children?

278 replies

afternoonitsraining · 20/09/2020 10:09

Husband and I are thinking about TTC, but we are both careful people and want to work out finances and things before trying.

Everyone we know seems to rely on their parents for childcare help, and help to buy baby things. We would have none of that due to various issues, we would have to do everything ourselves.

I know it may seem as if counting chickens before they've hatched - maybe we can't conceive anyway. But Childcare is around £60 a day in our area and with no parental help, I just wondered how people who don't earn mega salaries manage with childcare. We wouldn't get universal credit or anything, just child benefit and I would not want to give up working.

OP posts:
Bunnybigears · 20/09/2020 17:12

Got my kids to 10 and 13 with no help from any family members. At one point I was working purely just to pay for Childcare but it meant I didn't have a big gap in employment. Once they started at school that was a lot of childcare costs eliminated and we just paid for wrap around care. Now they are older they come in from school by themselves for a little while. School holidays are a mix of looking after themselves, holidqy clubs, DH and I using annual leave.
In terms of baby stuff I bought most things second hand, everything was kept for the 2nd child then when we had used it it would be sold on.
It is possible I can say its very hard to not be jealous of those that have 2 sets of very involved helpful Grandparents but it is what it is and we have to be happy with what we have

ivfbeenbusy · 20/09/2020 17:16

@Rocinante39

If you desperately want to have children then I hope you are blessed with them. You'll somehow manage, but you won't be as rich as you would be if you remain childless.

This is absolutely true

Full time childcare costs for DD was £850 a month. With the twins next year and DD in before/after school childcare we will be paying more than our mortgage in childcare - £1200 a month.

We have had to sacrifice the bigger house, the holidays abroad.

I can't imagine WHAT I'd spend an extra £1200 a month on now! 🤣

But we make the most of it and the children won't go without what counts. We fought for this after years of infertility, baby loss and tens of thousands spent on IVF. I don't miss the money as having children was what was more important to us. And in the grand scheme of things 3 years of childcare bills and being skint is nothing compared to the lifetime we will hopefully have as a family. Some things you can't put a price on

Mary46 · 20/09/2020 17:21

Found school no cheaper with all their days off. I temped last year. Zero flexibility with him for apts. Thank god mine older now. You cope as others say but god its costly.

BlueTitsRock · 20/09/2020 17:26

If you desperately want to have children then I hope you are blessed with them. You'll somehow manage, but you won't be as rich as you would be if you remain childless

agreed. and if your income is very low there will be UC. we got help through tax credits even though the income was not that low (combined about 27k and childcare of £700/month). If your income is so high that you would not get the childcare element of UC, then you probably won't need it and it is just a case of adjusting how you spend money.

formerbabe · 20/09/2020 17:30

I don't know any family at all with 2 full time-working parents and no family help, none

Same...

You either need family help or you need to earn a shit load to throw money at the problem.

If you have neither, you may cope but it will be hellish

Runnerduck34 · 20/09/2020 17:33

We had no parental support and it can be tough but definitely doable. Just need to paint on a smile and get in with it!
I became a sahm when dc was born,took voluntary redundancy to tide us over but in the end didnt go back.until youngest started school.childcare provision was rubbish when first dc was born, 12 hours a week, term time only , starting from term before 4th birthday, its a lot better now!
Your lifestyle takes a hit- no foreign holidays, eating out, concerts etc, cheaper clothes and older cars.
Also you have little time as a couple which can be hard, no babysitters on tap. Emergency childcare when you are at work is hard unless you can work from home. TbhI was a bit envious of friends who had parental support , doting GPs, babysitting, emergency childcare, financial help even just buying a cot or helping out with school uniform.
But I wouldnt swap my DC for the world, its hard work and involves sacrifice but totally worth it. I think sometimes you can overthink it, if I'd thought about it too much perhaps I'd never have done it, If you want an easy life don't be a parent!

BiggerBoat1 · 20/09/2020 17:35

Never had any parental support. I was a SAHM until my children started school and then got a job in the school office so I had school holidays.

cptartapp · 20/09/2020 17:39

Not no help at all, but very very little, two or three times a year. We paid for childcare from 4 months DC1 to fourteen years DC2, including nursery, after school club, childminder.
We once totalled we'd spent over £50k on childcare over the years. Easily.

Rentacar · 20/09/2020 17:42

Managed to secure two jobs working from home. When they were babies, I worked part time when they were asleep. I now work part time when they are in school.

It works out that we'd get the same.money if I worked full time and paid childcare.

SadSack39 · 20/09/2020 17:42

Never had help.. its a great feeling not relying on anyone.. i have managed lots over the years.. went college, worked full time.. just gotta find cheap childcare

justanotherneighinparadise · 20/09/2020 17:45

I’m a SAHM because I have no help. My friends tend to rely on family, childcare and friends.

winterisstillcoming · 20/09/2020 18:41

It's doable, I went part time, and we have a really good childminder. It wasnt easy. You have to accept that you'll be knackered, and your bank account will be like going round in a hamster wheel for until the youngest goes to school.

Start saving now. It will all help.

Summer born children will spend less time in paid childcare. But you get less of the free hours.

Have a second child when the year before they get the free hours so you are at home for a year so you won't have to pay a full year of nursery. Then get the free hours - that will be an expensive year. Or go on mat leave 2 when the first goes to pre school so no childcare fees during mat leave.

Look at eligibility for tax free childcare- although govt can pull that anytime they wish

Can you or DP do longer days with one day off?
Saturdays?

If you know of anyone, you could possibly look after each other's children?

Some people become childminders for a while.

SantaClaritaDiet · 20/09/2020 18:48

mistermagpie
jealous of what? I have family help AND a very flexible job.

It doesn't change the fact that most people around me need family help or work part-time or SAH.
It's not even about paying for childcare, it's finding one in the first place.

SimonJT · 20/09/2020 19:05

Decent quality flexible childcare, it is expensive, but it isn’t forever. I didn’t have to pay for the most expensive bit during young babyhood, it was still expensive but I had the luxury of being able to work four days a week. So not only was I less knackered I only needed four days of nursery.

It isn’t the toddler years that are hard childcare wise, its when they’re in primary and you need both wrap around care and care in the holidays. Its doable, but it can be stressful getting it in place.

Do you have any local friends you can rely on? I don’t have family in the traditional sense, but the people I consider family have helped me considerably at times.

mistermagpie · 20/09/2020 19:06

Well I'm glad you aren't jealous, and I'm glad you have a good job and supportive family too, you are even more privileged than me. You just sounded really bitter for some reason but maybe that's just the way you come across.

FWIW most people I know who have young children either don't work full time (or only one parent does) or have family support. It doesn't have to be that way but seems to be the norm.

Bbang · 20/09/2020 19:10

I ended up having to quit my job, I got a crappy evening job that I hated and worked for a year until I realised I could get more money from UC than I could from working Blush

Make sure to put your ‘after baby’ calculations into a calculator online you may be entitled to money if you’re unemployed or with a hefty childcare bill.

Marble2302 · 20/09/2020 19:21

I am a single parent and I have been since DD was 2. My Mum is early 50's and still works full time so can't help. I don't have anyone else closeby to help. I pay for childcare and I work full time.

Marble2302 · 20/09/2020 19:22

I forgot to add I earn a lot less than what some people on here earn. I don't get any help with benefits and I manage.

beepbeepsheep · 20/09/2020 19:24

We had some parental support with DD1 but now have none with DD2. We manage pretty well. Mainly thanks to our excellent, very flexible childminder. Also DH and I don't ever really go out together, we see friends separately but don't go anywhere just us two. I sometimes feel a bit sad my girls won't have close relationships with their grandmothers but that choice has been made for them sadly.

SqidgeBum · 20/09/2020 19:27

@Marble2302

I forgot to add I earn a lot less than what some people on here earn. I don't get any help with benefits and I manage.
How? My full time childcare is £1200 a month for one kid! I have a masters degree and 5 years experience in a 'career' job, and I dont bring home much after paying it. We 100% need DHs income to pay for mortgage, bills, car, everything.
dingledongle · 20/09/2020 19:33

SAHM parent here too

Partner earned more than me

I took the hit

Just returning to work now kids are a a Secondary school

Both sets of Grandparents largely disinterested in anything 'practical'

Partner worked away so for five years I did it all alone

Been a challenge but it has got easier ish Wink

Brunt0n · 20/09/2020 19:36

Save up before TTC. Check your work maternity policy so you know how long you can afford to take off. Register for tax free childcare and you can save 20% on your childcare bill up to 2k a year

Lalanbaba · 20/09/2020 19:41

No help here, closest family lives 3h drive.
Average salaries both working full time.
It's very hard. Paying for ft nursery. But is 3 years after that free hours will start.
We saved money just for childcare.
Buy most clothes second hand (lots when tiny are barely used) live with a budget.

Whatafrickennightmare · 20/09/2020 19:42

Very little support here as both sets parents work full time . I work relief so I put hours in to my boss that fits my husbands shifts.

Parkermumma07 · 20/09/2020 19:46

We both have flexible working applications so we split school and nursery drop off and pick up and use childcare vouchers through work to pay for childcare. ( they don’t use that scene anymore but is a government one where you save about 20% on childcare costs) also using a child kinder is normally cheaper and more flexible, at 3 years they got 30 free hours at nursery as well so helps with cost a bit

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