I don't want to drip feed nor do I have 3 hours to write it all down!
My husband hasn't been the same since we had our 3 year old. My feeling is that he was used to effectively being a single man who done what he liked then we had a kid and I expected family life. He's never enjoyed spending time with me but I didn't realise this till we had our boy. We've had lots of ups and downs in the last 3 years. Iv asked him to leave. He won't go as he says he has no money and nowhere to go. I moved to NI at 19 to be with him. I have no family here and he refuses to move to Scotland where my family are. Iv taken sick from work and moved back to mums and he's came crawling and Iv came back on the promise things will change but when we get back to real life he goes back to his ways. He struggles to spend time with me, he has cut off his family and has never held a proper relationship with anyone other than his friends.
I'm desperate for love. I know I can be hard work at times but honestly no more than anyone else's wife. He's messy, dirty, doesn't spend time with me, doesn't understand I need affectionate and doesn't communicate. I am genuinely a fun person, I'm upbeat and full of energy, I want to have fun and go on day trips and cuddle on the couch at night in front of a film. Yes I 'nag' about some things but I'm not the worst. It just feels like he hates me and in the last year I have grown so much from that. I used to need him. Now I don't. I don't know if I want him. I just know that when it's good, it's nice. Our 3 year old adores him and we have fun. I know he is different and needs his own space and can't be fun all the time - that's fine. I give him space and he's out almost every night with his 2nd job (that he chooses to do, I don't see any money from it but he enjoys it) or football/golf/pub with his mates. He has no interest in spending one on one time with me. He just wants to watch tv and if I talk through it he sighs and pauses till Iv finished talking and then presses play with only saying yes/no/ok.
We have had 2 nights out/overnight since our boy was born but he isn't interested in having a babysitter unless it involves going out with our friends. I just feel like there is so much more to life. I am at an age now where I know someone could give me so much more and what I have to give is wasted on him. I'm so reluctant to end it as it means a different life for our boy and it means me starting all over again. I'm sad. I'm unhappy. I have spent the last year realising that I don't need anyone to make me happy but I want someone to share my life with. I want someone to be happy with and I'm scared of starting all over again.
The last 3 years have been awful. I spent my maternity leave fighting with him to spend time with me. The last 2 years I have grown and matured like I didn't think I ever could, I have realised I don't need anyone. I can and have done it on my own. I am strong and have got my confidence back. I used to second guess myself about everything in case he or anyone else judged me but now I don't give a fuck. I do me.
I just don't know if it's worth saving. We have so much resentment towards each other without even speaking. I know he has issues with self esteem and confidence that he doesn't even realise himself but everytime I speak I am wrong. He hates me for being right. He isn't on my side. He's not on anyone's team so everything is a battle. It just seems so hard to leave and to move - he won't go and has told me he will never leave.
Is there something different I can do or make him realise a marriage is being on the same team as someone? Is there any point?
I love him when he's being nice. I love the man he can be 10% of the time. Is that enough?