She wants to come for Christmas but I'm due to give birth....

[icantstandhorridhenry]

Hi all!

I'm pregnant and due on 16th December, my mum has just asked me if she can come for Christmas dinner or if I can go to hers for Christmas dinner.... yes it's September!

I am well aware babies are known for not appearing when they're due, he could be early, he could be late. I could have a lovely labour, I could have a terrible labour. I could be out the hospital same day, I could be in for days.
Giving birth is so unpredictable that my partner and I are just taking Christmas as it comes this year and making different plans for different outcomes.

I don't want to spend Christmas with my mum, she's aware of that.
I would like to spend christmas with my newborn son, my DP and DSC if our son arrives in good timing and all goes well.

I've told her all of this, she knows I don't do Christmas well anyway. (Being dragged around every year to see family all day when I was a kid rather than just being with my mum and dad didn't help) but her reply was that I'm only having a baby I'm not disabled and if he comes on Christmas Day she would understand.
May I add, she lives on her own through fault of her own.

AIBU for telling her to back off and to respect that because this year is so unpredictable and I'd rather just have as chill of a Christmas as possible.

Your thoughts are appreciated!

@PyongyangKipperbang

Yep totally similar, when she was with my dad she never spoke to his parents and since they've split up she's always talking to my nan and pops round as much as she can JUST so that she can still be in a part of my dads life.
Thing is, he really doesn't care!

(I'm not keen on Horrid Henry either ☺️)

OP - you've done amazingly, I think. Your mum has not been easy as a mum, and as an adult in your childhood, and even now she is wanting to rule the roost. You haven't cut her out completely, but you've carved out for yourself a much better and nicer family life, into which lovely space you are about to welcome your first baby.

Do not feel bad about your mum. You will soon see what a gift a child is, and how many many chances there are to be a good parent, even when you make mistakes (as we all inevitably do - and hope to learn from them).

Your mum has used up her credit. She had her chance with you. Now you've drawn a line and you need to be strong. 'Sorry, Mum - we just want to be us for Xmas but sure we want to meet up some time - it'll all depend on the baby so not making plans.' If she can't understand or accept that, don't cave. She has to respect your new family unit.

And with some people you have to spell it out. She'll be ok.

You sound a great daughter. She should be proud of you. She has to learn.

I think it would be reasonable to be concerned about an elderly person spending Xmas alone in other circumstances but given that you may be in labour or nursing a new baby I think you are well within your rights to say you can't make plans now. If she really can't understand that then you have bigger problems than worrying about this.

@lunalulu

Luckily I've weaned the kids of watching all 5 seasons repetitively!

Thank you for your kind words and understanding.
Not every mum is perfect and I appreciate that, I sure as hell won't be! There is no handbook to tell you how to raise your children and as parents it's probably one of the most difficult jobs to 'get right'.
She's had many chances and even now I try and talk to her about where it went wrong and what we both can do to fix it but it falls on deaf ears.

I'm not sat here parading that I was perfect child because believe me I know I wasn't, but I wasn't exactly the demon child she paints me out to be to her friends and other members of family.

My dad said something which made me think yesterday, I don't have a relationship with my family because she spent so many years bitching about my 'awful' behaviour and they've taken her view and carried that with them. And now, she's so desperate for me to get involved with family it's quite difficult to shake the opinions they have because of her 'moaning'.
Every parent has the right to moan, but to the extent where family does not want to know your child... then there's something wrong.

I appreciate that for a lot of people Christmas is a special time to spend with their mums and loved ones that may be alone, but when you've been fighting a losing battle with a woman who clearly cannot see the error of her ways and continues to act the same when is the point that you stop for your own sanity?

[quote chopc]@icantstandhorridhenry I always find it sad when people don't want to spend celebratory days with their single parents. Imagine yourself in her situation....... [/quote]
I always find it sad when people don't want to understand that not everyone is in the same situation.

OP is not obliged to spend Christmas with someone she doesn't want to. OP can and should put herself and her family first. As for the single parent, it's a mess of their own making. Treat people like crap and it usually comes back at you.

Oh and btw, your full stop key appears to be stuck on.

[quote chopc]@icantstandhorridhenry I always find it sad when people don't want to spend celebratory days with their single parents. Imagine yourself in her situation....... [/quote]
My dad's family would fight to ensure they weren't the ones expected to host my dad's sperm donor at Xmas. He wasn't a father to my dad and his siblings, by any stretch of the imagination.

This man did the world a favour by dying, at least no one else had to suffer his behaviour. He was violent, aggressive, verbally abusive, and so on, definitely on a par with some of the worst things you read on here.

The couple of Xmas dinners he came to as a child were spoiled by his presence. He literally gave out vibes that made me and DB very uncomfortable.

He deserved to spend Xmas alone.

And now, I'm a single parent. If, in later years, there's a time when I'm alone at Xmas, that'll be fine by me. I'm pretty sure that my DC will move away, their interests and potential future careers won't be served by living in my area. I'm also sure that we'll manage to meet up around the Xmas period, we have close bonds, but I'm not so fussed about on the day itself. I'll set myself up for the day in nice PJs, good food and all the TV I want. If it's nice, I'll go for a walk. Xmas alone holds no fear for me.

I can’t believe you’re claiming to be traumatised by being forced to rush opening presents and visit family on Christmas Day...are your diamond shoes too tight as well? Seriously some children go through actual trauma, like hunger and poverty, some children didn’t have presents to open. Seriously just don’t spend Christmas Day with your mum, you don’t need to justify it with some crap about what sounds like a perfectly normal Christmas Day.

@Prettybubblesintheair

I can’t believe you’re claiming to be traumatised by being forced to rush opening presents and visit family on Christmas Day...are your diamond shoes too tight as well? Seriously some children go through actual trauma, like hunger and poverty, some children didn’t have presents to open. Seriously just don’t spend Christmas Day with your mum, you don’t need to justify it with some crap about what sounds like a perfectly normal Christmas Day.

(like I said OP.... try the SH thread if you want to talk to those with insight into the types of issues you describe )

I know you’ve already made your decision but I just wanted to say Yanbu. Make your Christmas work for your new family-she had her chance to call the shots.