She wants to come for Christmas but I'm due to give birth....

[icantstandhorridhenry]

Hi all!

I'm pregnant and due on 16th December, my mum has just asked me if she can come for Christmas dinner or if I can go to hers for Christmas dinner.... yes it's September!

I am well aware babies are known for not appearing when they're due, he could be early, he could be late. I could have a lovely labour, I could have a terrible labour. I could be out the hospital same day, I could be in for days.
Giving birth is so unpredictable that my partner and I are just taking Christmas as it comes this year and making different plans for different outcomes.

I don't want to spend Christmas with my mum, she's aware of that.
I would like to spend christmas with my newborn son, my DP and DSC if our son arrives in good timing and all goes well.

I've told her all of this, she knows I don't do Christmas well anyway. (Being dragged around every year to see family all day when I was a kid rather than just being with my mum and dad didn't help) but her reply was that I'm only having a baby I'm not disabled and if he comes on Christmas Day she would understand.
May I add, she lives on her own through fault of her own.

AIBU for telling her to back off and to respect that because this year is so unpredictable and I'd rather just have as chill of a Christmas as possible.

Your thoughts are appreciated!

No way it’s your baby new born don’t let her near you put yourselves first, hugs.

Sarahpaula, of course you must choose whatever works best for you. But emotional abuse is still abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse is none.
Just because other children suffered physical violence, sexual abuse or neglect, doesn’t make your sufferings at your mother’s hands somehow okay. Your mother chose to treat you, a vulnerable child, like that. She could have chosen not to.
Has she ever apologised, or shown any insight or remorse for her behaviour?
My own mother was a narcissist, who never accepted responsibility for her emotional abuse of her children. She never expressed any affection and regarded us as a nuisance. We were criticised and undermined, our self esteem destroyed, our illnesses ignored, for years. I finally went no contact with her 3 years before her death, did not attend the funeral, and felt only relief that she was gone.
There is no mystical obligation or debt owed to one’s mother for giving us birth. None of us asked to be born.
The obligation goes the other way - having created us, our parent has an obligation to nurture and raise us, with love and care.
An obligation which your - and my -mothers both failed to meet.

@babdoc I do agree with everything you are saying. And well done on going no contact, and putting yourself first.
However, as I get older I also see a lot of mitigating effects that lead up to a mother emotionally absuing her children.
It is not because she hates or does not love her children usually. It is because her circumstances are too difficult, and she is not able to cope, and she takes the frustration and anger out on the child.
I have seen and known more emotionally abusive mothers, than loving mothers.
Factors leading up to a mother being emotionally abusive are: women are abused more than men from a young age - leading to a woman becoming mentally unwell as an adult.
A lot of women are raped in their lives - causing them to become angry and unwell.
Women do the lion's share of childminding - men can just leave, this puts huge pressure on the woman.

My own mother was abused as a child, she was raped as an adult, she lost one baby to stillbirth, she divorced my father and he did not pay her any maintenance. How could she really have been mentally well or capable enough to be a mother. I know she took her pain out on me, but that it was nothing to do with me. She wasn't able and it was her pain, that is why I forgive her. But I am very proud of you for doing what is best for you. Well done.

The arrival of a new baby is a perfect time to start new traditions.

I've lost count of the number of people I have heard say they hated being dressed up and dragged around on Christmas day and would never do it to their children.

I believe Santa passes quickly, it's lovely for children to be the focus and priority during those years.

Mine had a pyjama day every Christmas and they love the memory of it.

@Babdoc I am just reading through again what you went through. I send you a massive, massive hug. I went through the same. Please know that it was not anything to do with you. Other people caused our mothers to be the way they were. I send you love, because I really understand

@Babdoc I am just interested in having more of a conversation with you, because we had a similar life. I think that other people made my mother the way she was, and because she was so emotionally abusive and cruel to me, I honestly hand on heart say, that I might be the same to my children. The abusive energy is now in me. Abused people abuse people. Because my mother was so cruel to me, I think that if I had a daughter I would be cruel to her. It is learned behavior. That is why I have decided not to have children, because I don't think that I would be able to control my behaviour. And that is being really honest. I would rather not have children, then have children and abuse them. Abuse does get passed down. Because I feel like abuse messes up your energy, and then your energy is so out of whack you take your anger out on the next child. So I definitely will not be having any children.

Once a week is not low contact though - I only speak to my mother about once a fortnight and would consider that a normal amount of contact!

@SnackSizeRaisin once a week is low contact for me. It took me years to get there with my mother. Before that, she wanted daily contact. I have a male friend, whose mother gets him to ring her twice a day.

I tried to get to a stage of contacting my mother every couple of weeks, and it was just unbearable. She would get a campaign started by other family members to get me to contact her. She would get my brother to ring me and be nasty to me for not contacting her. She would suggest that I was mentally ill. She would say that she was so terribly worried, and start ringing other people about me. She would make it unbearable It just was too much stress. I send her a quick message once a week, and it suits us all beter.

@SnackSizeRaisin the difference is that, you probably don't have an overbearing mother!

My friend has a mother who makes him ring her twice a day. He is 42. We can all say - why don't people stand up to their mothers more. But mothers like his and mine will then start emotionally manipulative campaigns, they get other family members to ring and be nasty.

The abusive energy is now in me
then you should serve it right back to your mother, I would
no way would I tolerate that shit from anyone
are you really going to let her drain the life force out of you until you croak and she scrambles over your body to get to the next victim
is that what you want??
cuz that's what'll 'appen!

Sarahpaula
I think you are elevating your mother to the status of martyr/saint and then awarding yourself points for sacrificing your wellbeing for her
but, whatever floats your boat.....

@Heffalooomia were you always such a bitch?

[quote Sarahpaula]@Heffalooomia were you always such a bitch?[/quote]
oooh, you do got some fight in you then
guess I touched a nerve....

Or you could play the flaky card. Say yes and drop out last minute...

@heffaloomia lol are you 12? No, I think that anyone who comes on here, and says things like that to people who have abusive mothers, is a bitch.

I had a very abusive mother, and my father killed himself. That I was able to survive all that and still have a little compassion for how my mother got to the state she was - is not me 'awarding myself points'

Sarahpaula, godspeed, I wish you well

Sarahpaula

@Nottherealslimshady

Stop using excuses as to why you CANT and just tell her you dont want to. No further explanation needed. "No thanks, I want Christmas alone with DH and our new baby but we'll see you around Christmas time, we just dont know when yet, I'll let you know nearer the time."

Totally answered in the first comment.

Sarahpaula, it’s apparently a myth that abused children grow up to be abusers. If you read Lundy Bancroft’s book about abusive men, he debunks the idea entirely. They were just using it as a convenient excuse.
Narcissists and psychopaths are a separate group who are incapable of empathy- they only regard their own feelings and see their children as competition for attention, or as a nuisance for having needs at all.
You could argue that this is therefore not their fault or choice, but you still wouldn’t want to have contact with them as it would always be “all about them”- your needs would never be met or even acknowledged.
I am impressed by every survivor of abusive childhoods, and I wouldn’t criticise any of their methods of coping - we all have to find what works for us. My impetus for breaking contact with my parents was my first pregnancy- I never wanted them to meet my DC and treat them as they treated me and my sister.

@notheragain4

I couldn't leave my mum on her own on Christmas, does she have anywhere else to go? If not I would have to invite her. Just to add I had a Christmas baby a few years ago, my parents came to stay, mum cooked, it was great!)

RTFT.

@babdoc. I don't know. I think that abuse does cause more abuse. I will be really honest here.Any time that I am around children, I have to be really honest and say, I do have a thought that I could be emotionally cruel to them. That now I am an adult, and I have the power. It feels like there is this energy in me, that my energy is so fucked up, that I need to lash out at another child. I always have the thought - that I could be cruel to a child, and then I always control it, and I never have been. It is why I make sure that I am barely around any children, and why I will not have children of my own, because I do not want to be abusive to a child.

@icantstandhorridhenry, if you’re mother is toxic and/or abusive then cut her out of your life. But saying things like you don’t care that she’s on her own for Christmas alongside saying she’s still my mother juxtapose each other somewhat. What are either of you getting out of this current set up?

It would break my heart if my DD felt this way about me but if she did if rather she was honest in her contempt.

Again, I am not suggesting that you should feel obligated to have her at Christmas. But for me to see a family member on their own for Christmas I’d have to dislike them enough to want to be NC with them.

@NellyJames

She gets to spend time with me and I get to lose the will to live every time I'm with her.

I think it is a guilt thing, I've been so desperate for so long to have a mother figure and to have that mother daughter bond with her and I try so so hard to get her to see every time when she's being emotionally abusive and for 5 minutes it's normal and there is hope but it all goes to pot before the next time I see her.

I suppose i think if I keep her at arms length I'm giving her a percentage of what she wants without putting myself through anything unnecessary.

If I was allowing my abusive mother to access me I'm sure I'd be much more stressed and irritable with people around me, cutting the toxic people out of my life allows me to be a better person.
If I allowed her to freely access and control me I would turn into a channel spewing out her bile, I would be an instrument for her to spread her venom in the world.
I dont wish her harm but I will not allow her to further harm me.

I suppose i think if I keep her at arms length I'm giving her a percentage of what she wants without putting myself through anything unnecessary
with 'normal people' you give and they instinctively respond by giving back, with these types anything you give triggers the urge to conquer and take everything.
You must stop up all access and passage