She wants to come for Christmas but I'm due to give birth....

[icantstandhorridhenry]

Hi all!

I'm pregnant and due on 16th December, my mum has just asked me if she can come for Christmas dinner or if I can go to hers for Christmas dinner.... yes it's September!

I am well aware babies are known for not appearing when they're due, he could be early, he could be late. I could have a lovely labour, I could have a terrible labour. I could be out the hospital same day, I could be in for days.
Giving birth is so unpredictable that my partner and I are just taking Christmas as it comes this year and making different plans for different outcomes.

I don't want to spend Christmas with my mum, she's aware of that.
I would like to spend christmas with my newborn son, my DP and DSC if our son arrives in good timing and all goes well.

I've told her all of this, she knows I don't do Christmas well anyway. (Being dragged around every year to see family all day when I was a kid rather than just being with my mum and dad didn't help) but her reply was that I'm only having a baby I'm not disabled and if he comes on Christmas Day she would understand.
May I add, she lives on her own through fault of her own.

AIBU for telling her to back off and to respect that because this year is so unpredictable and I'd rather just have as chill of a Christmas as possible.

Your thoughts are appreciated!

So presumably she'll be on her own?

How's that going to be dealt with going forward?

@Nanny0gg

No idea she's not my responsibility, she ruined pretty much all of mine and my dads Christmas days when I was growing up. Is it a crime to want to do my own thing with my own family without having her awkward ass in my face?!

I presume you dont like your mother much. You say she lives on her own. Will she have somewhere else to go? ( lockdown allowing)
I had two Christmas babies. I would have not seen a member of my family spend the day alone.

@Russiansilver

I totally see your point but I think it depends on how that family member has treated you.

If I was on deaths door and she still came round for Christmas she would be so ungrateful, why should I put myself out for someone like that just because she's my mother?

I mean, my DM lives alone so I have her to stay every Christmas. Even though she irritates me and DH and interferes and takes over. She can be a nightmare at times but I'd feel utterly terrible if she spent christmas by herself. I hate the thought of anyone spending christmas alone. Why don't you like her, OP? I suppose I could understand your position if she's awful to you, etc.

Cross posted with you, OP. Sounds like you really don't like her but it also sounds like you have some valid reasons for that if you say she's ungrateful, ruined all your christmases before, etc.

Start as you mean to go on OP. She'll be relying on you feeling guilty about her being alone in order to ruin another, very special Christmas. Some people's behaviour results in them being alone. But as you say, that's her own fault. I'm speaking from experience, as I've no doubt others on the thread are too.

It is your choice I'd feel slightly guilty even if she is a grumpy old woman.
Does she have any other offers? Have you spent previous Christmas days together, it just seems out with the old in with the new if you didn't like her but tolerated her previous years too.

@Rustyspanners

My mum is the kind of person to play the victim, she still does it now.

I'm literally giving birth near or over the Christmas period and she's trying to make it about her and I'm fed up of it, this should be a time for me to be thankful I can bring life into the world by spending time with my new born son without worrying about what's happening on Christmas Day.

She's one of those that has to say a snipey comment after something nice to 'make a point', many times when I was younger she told me she would prefer someone else as a daughter than me because I didn't like shopping, she told me I'd end up in a council house with kids from different men.
She was quite controlling with me and even now I'm nearly 30 with my own family I have to make time for her when I don't want to.

I would never cut her out of my life but I keep her at arms length so she can't hurt me any more. All I wanted was a loving, caring mum and I never got one.

I do feel bad she would spend Christmas on my own, she does and can go to other family members so she's not on her own, but she isn't my responsibility.

Be brave. Be clear. Don't use the Lockdoen or Rule of 6 partly because it limits you nect year, partly because it's not true but mostly because you want to be clear that there is no chance this year and you are making a clear and conscious decision.

When I was having DD2 (DC3) I had her on 19th December and still planned to go to my parents as a) they are literally around the corner and b) it meant someone else cooked and cleaned up! However, I was blue lighted back in on Xmas Eve (not DD, no room at the inn for a baby at Xmas as she was bottle fed through no fault of mine, my boobs dont work and they knew this.......sorry, rant).

So did my family kick off? No. They delivered 4 Xmas dinners (I was discharged at lunchtime on the 25th, hot and ready to go and then called back 2 hours later to collect the plates and drop off a box full of our family's traditional Xmas tea, including a full trifle just for us that mum spent the afternoon making specially.

Thats what happens when you love each other, and what you are trying to make sure happens for your family. Stick to what you know is right and not what a selfish bitch demands.

[quote icantstandhorridhenry]@Nanny0gg

No idea she's not my responsibility, she ruined pretty much all of mine and my dads Christmas days when I was growing up. Is it a crime to want to do my own thing with my own family without having her awkward ass in my face?! [/quote]
So why do you have any contact with her at all?

@icantstandhorridhenry I'm sorry, OP. That must have been really tough growing up. I understand the keeping her at arms length thing is a way of protecting yourself so she can't cause you any more pain. If she has other family members to go to then that's okay. You enjoy your family Christmas and don't feel guilty. You do what you need to do to protect yourself. Put yourself and your little family first. All the best with your birth!

@Nanny0gg

Because she's my mother, regardless of how manipulative and nasty she can get.

OP - ignore others "I'd feel so guilty" posts.

Ultimately, you have a bad history with her and you know how it will be if you are with her.

Stop second guessing yourself and go with what you want.

Also, you put in your post that she knows you don't want to be with her for Christmas, so why is she asking?

Just to pressurise you to say yes?

Gosh. It is super selfish of your DM to impose herself like this, or rather, to expect to dictate. Births and the new mother's wishes take precedence over traditions. Tell her she will have to make other arrangements.

Christmas alone is quite the thing though. Not sure if I could make myself OK with that

Not sure why not? It’s no different to people being alone in a Tuesday afternoon or a Friday morning.

Being alone can be a good thing! I’d happily camp under the duvet with chocolate and Netflix instead of skivving around someone else!

should be a time for me to be thankful I can bring life into the world by spending time with my new born son

Good lord, I was totally with you, not being very fond of my mother myself, but then you ruined it with this statement. Wtaf?

Best Christmas I had was with my husband and new born (just under a month on Christmas Day). We went to the pub for one drink at midday, and then we just put our comfy clothes on when we got in and ate nice ‘oven’ food, cheese, wine etc. No pressure, no stress!

I have just told my mother that I will not be spending Christmas with her for the first time. I am 36. I have received lots of guilt trips, and oh my god it is the first Christmas you wont be with me, and her acting like the world is over. I am a ten hour flight away from her, and I pointed out ho stressful it would be to travel home at this time. She still said "won't you change your mind"

Why do mothers think that they OWN Christmas, when we are adults. I put my foot down and said no. Put yourself first.

I would far rather spend Christmas on my own with a good book and the TV than with people who felt I was a pain in the arse who takes over etc. I would be afraid to speak in case I said the wrong thing. I may well be older than your Mum. She is better off not being invited than being invited under suffrance.

I am really looking froward to spending Christmas day on my own this year, away from my mother

Say no, 20+ years down the line, and only about three christmases by ourselves and our children.
I hate Christmas

@Shizzlestix

Because some women who are desperate for a child of their own can't have any and if he arrives safe and healthy I'll be extremely thankful for that - not being distracted by my selfish mother.