She wants to come for Christmas but I'm due to give birth....

[icantstandhorridhenry]

Hi all!

I'm pregnant and due on 16th December, my mum has just asked me if she can come for Christmas dinner or if I can go to hers for Christmas dinner.... yes it's September!

I am well aware babies are known for not appearing when they're due, he could be early, he could be late. I could have a lovely labour, I could have a terrible labour. I could be out the hospital same day, I could be in for days.
Giving birth is so unpredictable that my partner and I are just taking Christmas as it comes this year and making different plans for different outcomes.

I don't want to spend Christmas with my mum, she's aware of that.
I would like to spend christmas with my newborn son, my DP and DSC if our son arrives in good timing and all goes well.

I've told her all of this, she knows I don't do Christmas well anyway. (Being dragged around every year to see family all day when I was a kid rather than just being with my mum and dad didn't help) but her reply was that I'm only having a baby I'm not disabled and if he comes on Christmas Day she would understand.
May I add, she lives on her own through fault of her own.

AIBU for telling her to back off and to respect that because this year is so unpredictable and I'd rather just have as chill of a Christmas as possible.

Your thoughts are appreciated!

First babies are on average 5 days late so there’s every possibility you’ll still be in the hospital on Christmas Day anyway.

@PinkPosyPetals

Oh no! Please say no this year, I can't tell you how much it affects kids!

All I wanted as a kid was a Christmas with me, mum and dad. I never got it and was carted around to see the entire family in one day, my parents split up in the end so it was never possible and I've spent the last 8 christmas days either on my own or with my dad.

I think the best Christmas Day I had was with my dad, we had a McDonald's lunch, took the dog for a walk and fell asleep in front of the fire.
No fuss Christmas all the way!

@icantstandhorridhenry I totally understand you. I am surprised at the people on here who say that they would be shocked if you left your mum alone.

Surely everyone on here knows that there are terribly abusive mothers out there. The OP had an abusive mother, and so did I. Just because they are our mothers does not mean we owe them anything.

My mother will either be alone on Christmas day or she can decide to be with friends. I could not care less.

I always say to people, if some one is in an abusive relationship with a man, we would tell them to leave.

So if our mother is abusive, why are we expected to be around them? My mother has called me fat, ugly, useless and mentally ill loads of times.

I understand you OP

@Sarahpaula

Thank you

I understand people who have lost mothers and they find it sad or hard but to have a mother who thinks she's entitled to you and your precious time after all the disgusting things she's said and done is just ridiculous.

I've gone so long fighting a constant battle with her sometimes I need clarification I'm not the arsehole!

@PatriciaPerch

I'm 29, I probably do sound young but I'm just fed up of her crap.

Taking on 2 young SC has been hard to say the least BUT they've given me a perspective on life I'm grateful for and they're fantastic kids.

People who aren’t burdened with abusive parents cannot understand, this shouldn’t have been posted in AIBU because you end up with irrelevant replies like ‘who will deal with that, if she’s on her own/ but she’s your mummmyyyy’, she’ll martyr herself and tie herself in knots to be the victim, no matter what, so who cares? Don’t be her audience, enjoy your life, she can spend that one tedious day in December however she wants, you will be with your kid and your boyfriend, no fussing or theatrics.

@icantstandhorridhenry I sometimes feel like I have been in a forty year abusive relationship with my mother.

It is so hard, because if was a man , I could leave. If it was a friend, I could leave them.

We are trapped with our parents. I spend way too much of my life trying to set boundaries with my mother

@PatriciaPerch

No idea, it was a couple of years ago and I was living with him. He's a no fuss kind of guy himself.

No, what makes you think he is?

@Sarahpaula

I'm 29 and I've only just managed to establish boundaries with my mother a couple of years ago, which she still likes to push even now.

Now I can stand on my own two feet and tell her no, I'm made out to be the selfish bitch who doesn't care.

The unfortunate thing is, because they're our mothers we're made to feel guilty that we don't care.

I have a mother who sounds like yours - she’s selfish, self absorbed and uncaring. Perhaps narcissistic. I stopped doing what she demanded 13 years ago and it was a very good decision. It broke my heart that I had to go almost NC with her but it was the best thing for me and my new little family. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean she’s a nice person or that you should have her in your life if you don’t want to. Stick with your plan and don’t let her guilt trip you. Your instincts are right, have a nice Christmas with your own loving family OP.

@Buggedandconfused

Thank you x

Sounds like you're going to be compliant op?

It is possible to resist the guilt!
difficult at first but worth putting in the effort for the long-term benefits 😊

@Heffalooomia

With my mother or with the suggestions?

I've already told my mother to take a running jump with her silly demands.

I just need clarification that I'm not being unreasonable to her I suppose

Ive always hated Christmas - the false friendliness and jolification. Ive always enjoyed my own company and as a young woman I would love to have spent it alone. Instead year after year I allowed myself to be bamboozled into travelling to spend it with my parents, to whom Ive never been close. Then my mother would have one of her "wobblers" which were a feature of all family occasions and the entire family would be buzzing around her. Deep joy.

One year I decided to go abroad. I went to India with a side trip to Nepal and spent Christmas day wandering around Kathmandu like it was any other day. I loved it so much that after that I began to tell my family Im going to XX country for the holiday. Sometimes I genuinely went away and others I just stayed at home.

The thing is that I spent the holiday as I chose to.

With a new baby on the way you have enough to cope with without having to cook all the trimmings for relatives. If your mother is a disruptive influence stick to your guns. Your decision is not just for you but also your immediate family.

@simitra

Now that sounds like a lovely Christmas Day!

I think like many have said, if I stick to it this year it will get easier.
I want to do my own traditions with my own family not with some pain in the arse woman!

@simitra this is the first year that I get to spend Christmas alone. I am 36. I am in Mexico. I have always hated the fuss of Christmas day in my mother;s house, all the stress, and of my mother shouting at us.

Why does it have to be a big fucking deal.

My mother is so selfish. I have pointed out that it would take me a ten hour flight to get home for Christmas, and that it would be so stressful to fly home for Christmas, as they are increasing regulations in Dublin, Ireland, and in Dublin Airport

I have still had one week's worth of messages (In September) of "won't you change your mind, I am so disappointed, It will be your first Christmas away from us, there will be so little under the tree, your brother is disappointed aswell"

I am so looking forward to spend it alone.

Not the same as you OP but our families lived in different countries up until 2 years ago and so most years we had to fly, drag Christmas presents, wake up in someone else's home on Christmas day, do other people's traditions etc.

While I love our family, it really pissed me off.

We've now moved home and Christmas morning is spent in our own house, letting our dc play with their toys, then we go to my parents for late lunch and stay a night or 2.

Having some control over my family's Christmas is so much better.

I couldn't leave anyone alone at Christmas @icantstandhorridhenry

Sarahpaula, none of us are “trapped” with our parents. You can go no contact with them - many of us have. Me included.
I recommend that you (and OP) read the “But we took you to stately homes” thread on MN - it’s for adult children of abusive parents, and has lots of good advice from survivors.
Also, read the book “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward. It’s v helpful.

@babdoc I can't go no contact with her. That does not suit everyone. I think it is a very severe reaction, to someone that has given me life, and did raise me. She didn't abandon me somewhere in a phone box. She didn't sexually abuse me. She was emotionally nasty.

Being a mother is very difficult, and many women are abusive because they just can't cope with their children.

I understand that, so I will never go no contact with her. I will go low - ish contact with her. Once a week at the moment

I couldn't leave my mum on her own on Christmas, does she have anywhere else to go? If not I would have to invite her. Just to add I had a Christmas baby a few years ago, my parents came to stay, mum cooked, it was great!)