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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for your opinions on “blended” family wills proposal?

189 replies

Catatatan · 19/09/2020 21:01

DH has 1 child from previous marriage, and together we have two young kiddos.
Previously rented but have just bought own house as joint tenants, mortgaged. Both have life insurance policies to cover the mortgage and a bit more.
Making wills and I want to avoid issues such as stepson being left out should DH die first, and want to ensure my children benefit from me but don’t want stepson to inherit from “my” half (because he has a mother he will inherit from iyswim).
So my proposal is that the everything is passed from either spouse to the other spouse, and then on their death, the estate is split 50/50 - first half split in equal shares between the children DH and I share and then the second half is split in equal shares between the children DH has in total (so our two plus his firstborn).

E.g. dh goes first and then I pass away. Estate is £300,000 after all deductions (hypothetical!)
£150k of estate (my half) is split in equal shares to my two children (that I had with DH) So £75k each.
150k (his half) is split in equal shares to DH children (£50k each)
Which means stepson has £50k but his two half siblings have £125,000 each... which might seem unfair but stepson will also inherit from his mother who has a house of higher value and no other children. I don’t see why stepson should benefit from three adults but our kids only benefit from two.

This seems the fairest way to me - would like to know if others in similar scenarios have done things differently!

OP posts:

bluebeck · 20/09/2020 16:29

[quote Catatatan]@Stanleyville Obviously things can change but we have both discussed this and as our family matters are already complicated neither would want to remarry simply to protect assets and any pension entitlements, etc.[/quote]
Sorry but you are being quite naive.

If you die first there is nothing to stop your husband from remarrying and leaving everything to new wife/or to new girlfriend.

I work in this sector and have seen it happen again and again......

Newmumatlast · 20/09/2020 16:30

Yanbu but this doesnt protect your children sufficiently nor his. The surviving spouse could choose to spend the money you meant to leave to your kids while alive on whatever they want. They could remarry. Your best bet is to have your share (or his) put into a trust on death for the beneficiaries of your choosing. Your spouse could still access it but would have to do so through trustees of your choosing I.e. family members. He could opt to do this too and so the same would happen in reverse if he died first. Please get legal advice though

aSofaNearYou · 20/09/2020 16:31

A child youve partly raised in your house with their half sibling is not the same as a sibling or a nice/nephew. This is so spurious.

Most step children do not live full time with one parent and are not adopted and "raised" by their step parents, so yes, for many, the relationship between SP and SC is akin to a less close family member than parent and child. Are you a step parent?

Newmumatlast · 20/09/2020 16:31

Absolutely this. And even if they dont remarry they can do whatever they like with your kids share. They could change their own will too. Yours needs to do all the protecting and get the result you want without being dependent on them.

lunar1 · 20/09/2020 16:32

No way on earth would I depend on another adults goodwill to protect the interests of my children. There could be decades between your deaths.

Even between DH and I we have life insurance policies that cover a specified amount for each other and each of our children that would be kept in trust until they are adults.

Life events change a person, I want to know that whatever happens my children will have some security from me.

Lindtnotlint · 20/09/2020 16:35

I fundamentally see the logic a different way. Your money isn’t “half yours and half his” it’s yours, together. Together, you have three kids. So I would always expect it be split three ways.

It’s strangely mechanical to think about “your half” going to “your kids”. It doesn’t seem very family-like to me

(But regardless, given the complexity I agree you need a trust or similar if that’s how you want to do it!)

Newmumatlast · 20/09/2020 16:35

@aSofaNearYou

A child youve partly raised in your house with their half sibling is not the same as a sibling or a nice/nephew. This is so spurious.

This. Obviously a different story if stepchildren raised as a child of the family all living together. But most people will have stepchildren who do not necessarily live with them and/or have another parent to inherit from and who is responsible for them. They can inherit from their mum and dad. Your child/ren can inherit from their mum and dad. It is fair. In my step child's case they have a mum and also a stepdad with no children. To inherit from me would be 4 inheritances as opposed to my child who has 2 chances. Also I make the most money and will likely inherit the most. It is only really fair my child benefits most. My stepchild will already effectively benefit from me anyway in the 50/50' split between their father and I as I earn more so part of the 50% their father gets will to a decent extent have been through me.

BasiliskStare · 20/09/2020 16:39

@Catatan - I believe ( and this is where you need a solicitor ) you can leave money in trust for the children as you wish , and that trust does not stop the surviving parent using the trust - it just stops them leaving it to someone else.

Legal things are usually there to stop people who are doing something untoward . If everyone trusted each other and nothing ever went wrong then a lot of legal things would not be needed. I would get it put down properly in a will / trust

SonEtLumiere · 20/09/2020 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newmumatlast · 20/09/2020 16:40

@Lindtnotlint

I fundamentally see the logic a different way. Your money isn’t “half yours and half his” it’s yours, together. Together, you have three kids. So I would always expect it be split three ways.

It’s strangely mechanical to think about “your half” going to “your kids”. It doesn’t seem very family-like to me

(But regardless, given the complexity I agree you need a trust or similar if that’s how you want to do it!)

I would usually agree however much step child's mum and stepdad have a house they own. She is the only child her mum has and her stepdad has none. She will inherit the whole house. She will then also inherit half of what my husband leaves with the other half going to my daughter with my husband. That is already three inheritances. My daughter with my husband will have two - one from my husband and one from me. We feel that is fair. We spoke to my stepdaughter (who is an adult) before doing this and she also thought it is fair.

It isnt that we necessarily see our money as his and hers it's more a way to try and ensure there is fairness in the inheritance. My stepdaughter already has a mum. My child also has a mum.

VeniceQueen2004 · 20/09/2020 16:44

@aSofaNearYou no, a stepchild and I did live full time with my dad and stepmum who lived with us since I was 6. She raised me and my sister. So it does hurt when she shows in little ways she loves "her" children more than us. But I'm sure that's natural.

This part of my upbringing means I feel very "unentitled" to anything, so never think about inheritance etc. I sincerely think people should enjoy their money while they are alive. But I will admit I will be hurt if when my parents die my younger half brother is favoured over me and my full sister (again). However I won't be surprised.

Boysnme · 20/09/2020 16:45

I have been part of a blended family most of my life. Mum had 2 dc and dad had 2 dc. None of the dc had their other parent around. All dc have grown up together as a blended family and don’t think of each other as step. Mum died and left everything to Dad. All ok, as a truly blended family everything would still be split equally on death of Dad. Dad has since remarried and SM has 4 dc. If Dad dies before SM the 4 blended DC have all accepted we’ll get nothing as it will pass to SM who on death will pass to her DC. Mum would be horrified at this but we all fully expect this to happen. At the end of the day it’s the person who has passed aways money to leave to whoever they like. If you 100% want your share to go to your DC don’t leave it to your DH.

Soontobe60 · 20/09/2020 16:50

We have joint wills leaving everything to each other, then after the second one of us dies, split equally between my 2 dds, the eldest of whom is my dhs stepdaughter. We’ve been married for 27 years and did was 6 when we met.

Newmumatlast · 20/09/2020 16:53

@Soontobe60

If they're mirror wills and you die first he can choose to change his after you die

bluebeck · 20/09/2020 16:55

@Soontobe60

What if you die first and DH spends all the money on a new lady friend and her family?

Do you have something in place to stop DH from changing his will after you die? If he remarried then any will could be contested by the surviving spouse anyway.

VeniceQueen2004 · 20/09/2020 16:56

@boysnme

See in many ways this is actually fairer and less harmful to your group of kids although they end up with no/less money. You're not being set against each other or explicitly told who loves who the most in a really final way. You won't be hurt that the step mum who never had a hand in raising you doesn't consider you; why would she? But if your parents had both died and it turned out that your mum or dad had gone out of their way to favour you and/or their children from first marriage, how could that not be painful for the ones not favoured?

I genuinely think people should expect nothing from inheritance. It only ever seems to breed pain and discord when people don't get what they expect or feel like they deserved. But since the OP asked, as s stepchild I don't think her plan is fair as it will cause needless hurt to her stepson.

RomanyBlood · 20/09/2020 16:57

BoysNMe: it’s a familiar story.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 20/09/2020 17:15

OP you definitely need to have your wills and a trust drawn up by a solicitor. Otherwise your widower husband could leave it to whomever he wants.

And don't underestimate care costs - I'm an only child, one parent still living, in a care home. There won't be anything left of 'my inheritance'. I never expected anything, it's their money to spend while they're alive.

Giespeace · 20/09/2020 17:16

But since the OP asked, as s stepchild I don't think her plan is fair as it will cause needless hurt to her stepson
Why would you be hurt by not getting what you never expected nor felt entitled to get? You just said that expectation was the key so if nobody expects anything from people who are not their mother or father and everyone is treated the same as any other children their mother or father may have then there’s no reason at all for anyone to feel aggrieved?

VeniceQueen2004 · 20/09/2020 17:24

@Giespeace

I don't expect anything from my "real" parents either. That's a protective mechanism because my childhood left me feeling I didn't"deserve" anything, nor could I rely on anything, so the safest thing is to expect nothing. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when you don't get what other people do, especially when those people have been raised with you as siblings.

Like I say, the safest thing is to expect nothing in terms of inheritance. I mean care costs alone will probably eat most of it even from s practical standpoint. But if it comes down to a tenner and you discover the woman who raised you with your father had, behind the scenes, gone to extraordinary lengths to make sure her children got 4.20 each and you only got 1.60, then yes, it would hurt. Nothing to do with the amount, just the exclusion.

VeniceQueen2004 · 20/09/2020 17:25

And aggrieved is the wrong word. The word is hurt. Not angry, not righteously indignant. Just hurt, hit in that sad soft place that knows you are less loved, less special in the family you were brought up in.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 20/09/2020 17:41

I agree with Lockdownfatigue, it does seem unkind. Especially since they are young children and you will be raising them. If they were teenagers or adults it would be fairer. But maybe I misunderstand and it is a cultural thing. To me, the term "step-mom" means stepping into the role of mom but many people on mumsnet express such a dislike of their partner's children that I wonder why married someone with children? Please don't say "they already have a mother" - DH already had a wife, but he legally discarded her and married again. He has two wives, they have two mothers.

aSofaNearYou · 20/09/2020 17:50

@VeniceQueen2004 I can naturally see why it would feel more like the step parent is taking on being equal to a parent when you live together full time and it is essentially an adoptive situation. But honestly, this is not the case for a majority of step parents. The step children do not view their step parents in the same way as their parents and really shouldn't feel hurt that the same is true in reverse.

My step son is 7, we have obviously never had a conversation in which I would directly tell him that I love my own daughter more. But he does understand that parents love their children more than anyone else in the world and that he has two parents that feel that way about him, as does my daughter. So in a sense, he does already understand that. He knows what I am to him, a kindly adult who loves his dad and him but is not his mother, and is a mother in my own right to another child who is my personal top priority. It isn't a source of hurt for him.

Giespeace · 20/09/2020 17:50

He has two wives, they have two mothers

Not according to the law, biology, logic or generally accepted morality in this country

OverTheRainbow88 · 20/09/2020 17:52

When you said split 50/50 I thought you meant 50% gets split between yours kids and SS gets 50%.

Or can’t you split it 1/3- so all 3 kids get the same I.e 100k?

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