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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - DPs parents acting like I don’t exist

79 replies

Cntrymum1 · 19/09/2020 13:24

Long time lurker first time poster, a little background. I have known DP for about 12 years, together 4, living together for the last 3. His parents have only known about us for the last year though and for all intensive purposes act like I don’t exist. This has never actually bothered me previously as I didn’t want to push things with him on this as he suffers from a large guilt complex surround his ex and the situation. He met his ex at 16, they had their DD at 17 and married at 19 together for 28 years. Although for the last 2 lived together but very separate lives, separate rooms, didn’t eat together unless other family were there, spent weekends independently etc. When we started seeing each other her reaction was that he should put his money where his mouth is and move in with me to that he shouldn’t take on such a big commitment (I also have a DS now 7) after he actually made the move - not once did they try and reconcile and it was her that instigated the separate living situation. She also told him that his parents would be devastated, which at the time I put down to her just exaggerating beliving that parents put their child first and allow them to live their lives but this was his reasoning for not actually telling them they were seperated until a year after he had moved out. His ex is close to his parents and DP says she is like the daughter they never had so I have not pushed for any contact or introduction to them trying to be sensitive to everyone else in the situation but I think with the whole lockdown scenario we are all in/out of/may be in again I’ve realised it does actually bother me. He supports his ex fully financially - she didn’t work until their DD left uni and only 12 hours a week now so they can’t judge him for leaving her vulnerable and also she pushed for him to move out as long as he provides spousal support (they aren’t actually divorced but have a lose agreement this means he pays all her living costs and the cost of the house), I cannot be considered a gold digger as it’s my house we live in now and the fact I am financially stable is a big part in him being able to cover the full living costs of his ex, his DD found out as soon as we started our relationship as they are very close and she has been his rock and has been nothing but supportive of us, out for meals, been on holiday together, stayed at our house etc so any issue they have is their own. My issue now is that I am a big part of their sons life but they ignore it, I encourage him to see his parents regularly but the last time he went to visit for a week (they live over 8 hours from us) he came home early as he missed home and also said it was awkward as if he mentioned anything about the house/me/DS they wouldn’t talk to him about it and just change the subject. I understand they may be hurt about his marriage ending but I don’t think they realise how awkward it makes his life if they ignore a big part of it.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 19/09/2020 13:28

Am I understanding correctly, you were dating him while he was with his wife and left her house to move in with you and that's when he told his parents about you? If so, I'd say that's quite a shocking bit of news so I dont blame them for not wanting to get to know you. I would also think that it makes them think very badly of their son and would rather stick their heads in the sand than discuss it with him.

Nanny0gg · 19/09/2020 13:44

Whole thing sounds like a stonking great mess.

He needs to completely breakaway from his ex - he doesn't have to support her and his dc is an adult.

Until that happens it's all too enmeshed.

FlibbertyGiblets · 19/09/2020 13:46

They're not acting as if you don't exist they just don't approve of their sons actions, I mean he went from his family home straight to yours, and he neglected to tell them of his new paramour, they must have been misdirected as to where he was living for quite the while, so to speak.

UnfinishedSymphon · 19/09/2020 13:52

Sorry but intensive purposes 🤣

Itwasaquarterpast11 · 19/09/2020 13:53

I may have misread, but it appears you had an affair and he left his wife for you.
If so, he is their child and they want to have a relationship with him. That doesnt mean they condone his behaviour or approve of what he did in any way. And if it was an affair and you were indeed the OW why would they want anything to do with you?

AlwaysCheddar · 19/09/2020 13:59

Does he still own half the ex’s house? They need that sorting. She can’t stay there for ever.

waitingforadulthood · 19/09/2020 14:03

If my son was living with the mistress I'd not want to know her either. He is still married. They will stand by him and have a relationship with him but they certainly don't have to condone his behaviour by being nice and friendly to his mistress.

NerrSnerr · 19/09/2020 14:03

You've known him for 12? Is this how long the affair was?

isittimetogotobed · 19/09/2020 14:04

Intensive purposes made me giggle too 🤭

NerrSnerr · 19/09/2020 14:04

Oh sorry I saw affair started 4 years ago.

littlemisslozza · 19/09/2020 14:06

I don't think it sounds like an affair if they were living separate lives already? That's if he's telling the truth!

I would say that he needs to gradually withdraw some of the money he is paying for his ex though, the daughter is now an adult. Could the ex potentially downsize and have cheaper living costs as well as doing more hours at work? She may meet someone new and it could get messy then if a new partner moves in to a house your ex is paying for. Time for the ex to learn to support herself and build a life away from her ex.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 14:09

Why you're involved in this absolute clusterfuck is beyond me. It is a disaster from top to bottom. He's still a married man, fully supporting his ex, and cocklodges with you. Sorry, but you're a mug.

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2020 14:11

So because he lives with you he has been able to support his ex and put his daughter through Uni ?

And his parents don't know ?

I think it's possible you have been taken advantage of here and maybe have not looked at it from other angles OP ?

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2020 14:12

@Aquamarine1029

Why you're involved in this absolute clusterfuck is beyond me. It is a disaster from top to bottom. He's still a married man, fully supporting his ex, and cocklodges with you. Sorry, but you're a mug.
Gosh, you put it so much better than I Aqua !
KeepingPlain · 19/09/2020 14:13

Yeah it sounds like an affair so no wonder his parents don't want to know about you.

I'd run away from this mess, it will never get better.

WaltzingBetty · 19/09/2020 14:14

So you're financially supporting him to enable 'him' to provide for his wife?

Yeah his parents are the least of your worries.
He needs a divorce, financial independence, and to stop sponging off you

SuitedandBooted · 19/09/2020 14:16

He has to draw a line under this. Their relationship as a couple is over. I presume she is only around 38 or so? Is he going to support her for the rest of her life?

katy1213 · 19/09/2020 14:24

I'd show him the door until he has sorted out his own mess. Why are you supporting him?

Shizzlestix · 19/09/2020 14:27

Why on earth is he supporting his ex?

Cntrymum1 · 19/09/2020 14:30

He was separated from his wife for 2 years before we started dating, they will still cohabiting as he is the main earner and she “doesn’t know how to provide for herself” not my words. His parents did not know of this although their daughter did know.

OP posts:
Cntrymum1 · 19/09/2020 14:33

It definitely wasn’t an affair, I also known to his adult DD before we started a relationship and she mentioned this when we first met - it the oh I have heard a lot about you scenario.

OP posts:
GinGinHooray · 19/09/2020 14:34

So to his parents it appears you are a home wrecker, it's no wonder they don't want anything to do with you.

ReefTeeth · 19/09/2020 14:40

You can't be that silly Confused

Seperated but cohabiting...riiiight.

His DP see you as the OW. Which you are by the sounds of it.

Catsarelush · 19/09/2020 14:40

How old are you all if he was with his ex wife for 28 years and now with you?

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/09/2020 14:41

I wouldn't be seeing him. It sounds like he had an affair and kept it from his wife. He kept loads of stuff from his parents. And he has and probably is still keeping a lot from you.

I don't think pps are right in saying you/he needs to stop financially supporting her as he's clearly happy to do so. She probably views it as compensation for what he's put her through. And I usually wouldn't advocate anything like this as I'd hate to be dependent on a man but it sounds like she's in employment now. However I wouldn't have him living with me as you're essentially financially supporting his wife.