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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - DPs parents acting like I don’t exist

79 replies

Cntrymum1 · 19/09/2020 13:24

Long time lurker first time poster, a little background. I have known DP for about 12 years, together 4, living together for the last 3. His parents have only known about us for the last year though and for all intensive purposes act like I don’t exist. This has never actually bothered me previously as I didn’t want to push things with him on this as he suffers from a large guilt complex surround his ex and the situation. He met his ex at 16, they had their DD at 17 and married at 19 together for 28 years. Although for the last 2 lived together but very separate lives, separate rooms, didn’t eat together unless other family were there, spent weekends independently etc. When we started seeing each other her reaction was that he should put his money where his mouth is and move in with me to that he shouldn’t take on such a big commitment (I also have a DS now 7) after he actually made the move - not once did they try and reconcile and it was her that instigated the separate living situation. She also told him that his parents would be devastated, which at the time I put down to her just exaggerating beliving that parents put their child first and allow them to live their lives but this was his reasoning for not actually telling them they were seperated until a year after he had moved out. His ex is close to his parents and DP says she is like the daughter they never had so I have not pushed for any contact or introduction to them trying to be sensitive to everyone else in the situation but I think with the whole lockdown scenario we are all in/out of/may be in again I’ve realised it does actually bother me. He supports his ex fully financially - she didn’t work until their DD left uni and only 12 hours a week now so they can’t judge him for leaving her vulnerable and also she pushed for him to move out as long as he provides spousal support (they aren’t actually divorced but have a lose agreement this means he pays all her living costs and the cost of the house), I cannot be considered a gold digger as it’s my house we live in now and the fact I am financially stable is a big part in him being able to cover the full living costs of his ex, his DD found out as soon as we started our relationship as they are very close and she has been his rock and has been nothing but supportive of us, out for meals, been on holiday together, stayed at our house etc so any issue they have is their own. My issue now is that I am a big part of their sons life but they ignore it, I encourage him to see his parents regularly but the last time he went to visit for a week (they live over 8 hours from us) he came home early as he missed home and also said it was awkward as if he mentioned anything about the house/me/DS they wouldn’t talk to him about it and just change the subject. I understand they may be hurt about his marriage ending but I don’t think they realise how awkward it makes his life if they ignore a big part of it.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 19/09/2020 15:32

@LittleOwl153

Catholic parents. There is your answer. He will always be married in their eyes. Whether he is legally or not. That will not change. They will never accept you.
Well, they might have done. If he hasn’t made it look like a grubby affair.
WorraLiberty · 19/09/2020 15:42

Why are you 'encouraging' his relationship with his parents?

He doesn't (or shouldn't) need anyone's encouragement. His relationship with them is exactly that - his.

Either way, he clearly hasn't stood on his own two feet at any point in his life.

He's gone from living with his parents to living with his wife to living with you.

He's unlikely to grow a backbone and have a face to face word with his parents - putting them in the exact picture and telling them he won't stand for this.

I think at this point in his life that ship has well and truly sailed.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/09/2020 15:55

To them you look like a home wrecker! No wonder they're not keen. So they think their son can't make his own decisions? His brain is so lacking he just goes along with whatever the first person he meets says? All these poor men, so good and fragile, all their guilty of is getting manipulated by nasty women. Pathetic.

OP I think he's bad news. He seems like nothing but a liar to me.

Pringlemonster · 19/09/2020 15:58

Well
He saw you coming ,didn’t he op
Got his feet nicely under your table ..
His parents are the least of your worries

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 16:05

I've reread what you've written, and I think it's possible his parents don't know about you at all.

Dishwashersaurous · 19/09/2020 16:28

You live with a married man. I’m not surprised that his parents don’t engage with you.

vanillandhoney · 19/09/2020 16:40

@Cntrymum1

I am not supporting him and he covers half of the bills and treats my son as he would his own. We live in my home so he doesn’t have the expense of a mortgage or rent as that’s paid for.

The guilt comes from an unplanned teen pregnancy, pressured marriage and catholic parents.

How convenient for him.

You're being taken for a mug.

Cocomarine · 19/09/2020 16:46

@Aquamarine1029

I've reread what you've written, and I think it's possible his parents don't know about you at all.
Very good point.
maggiecate · 19/09/2020 16:50

Catholic parents - well there you go. If they take the church rules seriously they won’t recognise any divorce. He’s living in sin with a married woman as far as they’re concerned (your divorce won’t count either).

They’ve suddenly found out that their son’s been lying by omission, cheating on someone they love very much, committing adultery...they’d probably rather have not known, and that’s how they’re choosing to deal with - sticking their fingers in their ears and pretending you don’t exist. It’s their way of coping with what (to them) is absolutely terrible news.

It’s obviously up to you how you play it but if you make a fuss I don’t think It’ll do any good - he’ll either choose his parents/ex, his parents will make a token effort but they’ll never really get past it and there will always be an atmosphere, or he’ll pick you and you’ll have to deal with his feelings of guilt.

You’ve managed without a relationship with then this long, and they live a long way away. Maybe in time they’ll come around, maybe they won’t, but forcing the issue isn’t going to make them supportive of your relationship.

Anordinarymum · 19/09/2020 16:57

OP He has no obligation to support his wife. His daughter is an adult now. The house should be sold and assets should be split, but why would he/they when you are supporting them all ? The situation is laughable and the joke is on you.
It's been going on for so long that you can't see what is wrong here !

Joeblack066 · 19/09/2020 17:05

@UnfinishedSymphon

Sorry but intensive purposes 🤣
👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
12309845653ghydrvj · 19/09/2020 17:10

TBH it doesn’t sound like he’s even taken the steps to seperate with his wife now, let alone when you started up. You’re being taken for a total idiot, he needs to deal with his life. Sorry but the whole “I encourage him to have a relationship with” is a bit cringeworthy, his wife is still more a wife to him currently, for all intents AND purposes.

Sorry the whole situation is a clusterfuck, and I’m sure his parents take the view that regards of the morality or details of the crossover, any woman who would get involved in this sort of situation is bad news. I don’t think this situation has any future, and I don’t judge his parents for wanting to avoid the disaster zone. You also shouldn’t want any future in this—you’re living with a married man who apparently lacks any ability to actually manage his life, and is happy to be a husband and sponge off you at the same time. I wouldn’t touch any of this with a barge pole.

Sorry it’s brutal, but you need someone to give you a serial shake.

12309845653ghydrvj · 19/09/2020 17:12

Also if someone isn’t publically split form their wife, dicibding assets, living separately and inter divorce process, they’re still “together” to some degree.

Catsarelush · 19/09/2020 17:13

Guilt from the teenage pregnancy? He’s nearly 50. Time to let that go.

RoseTintedAtuin · 19/09/2020 17:15

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, from his parents perspective they only found out there was an issue in his 30 year marriage a year ago when he’d already moved in with another woman... he is t divorced and if they really were pressuring him to do the right thing as a young adult then as far as they’re concerned his current living conditions may not be acceptable to them. It sounds like they’re trying to avoid a blow up with him by avoiding discussing something they feel is intolerable. I’m sorry but if he had said to them 4 years ago they were separated And had started divorce proceedings then this situation may have been salvageable but from their perspective he is still married.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 19/09/2020 17:25

Hmm I'm thinking that he's not telling you the truth.
I'm wondering if he's still secretly sleeping with his wife & his parents don't know about you.

bluebeck · 19/09/2020 17:58

He saw you coming...............

MrsGulDukat · 19/09/2020 18:27

I hope you are down as next of kin and he's got a will.

Otherwise you'd be knackered legally.

Ablackrussian · 19/09/2020 18:27

It's one thing you being in this mess. But what about your child? They didn't ask for this shit storm. Cut your losses, op, and find a man who is truly available.

vanillandhoney · 19/09/2020 18:28

@MrsGulDukat

I hope you are down as next of kin and he's got a will.

Otherwise you'd be knackered legally.

I'm pretty sure his wife could any changes to his will in court.

Being married, she's his next of kin. It's not that easy to override marriage.

MrsGulDukat · 19/09/2020 18:30

@Vanillandhoney.

OP wouldnt be in a great position then if he were to be incapacited or died suddenly.

LoftyLucy · 19/09/2020 20:36

I don't understand the rationale behind the finances... So because you're mortgage free, it "makes sense" for him to live with you and pay for his wife's living costs (she's not an ex wife, she's his current wife)....?! That is crazy. Absolutely crazy to enter into such an arrangement. He's really warped your perspective..

It would "make sense" for my bank to pay off my mortgage for me. Unfortunately that doesn't work for them. Which is exactly what you should have told this man child when he started dipping his fingers in your finances, he's literally taking up space in your life that should be with a true partner.. not someone who expects you to subsidize his life & wife too.

vanillandhoney · 19/09/2020 21:41

[quote MrsGulDukat]@Vanillandhoney.

OP wouldnt be in a great position then if he were to be incapacited or died suddenly.[/quote]
Nope, she absolutely wouldn't be.

It's very, very difficult in the UK to disinherit your spouse. This basically says yes, you can write a will that disinherits them, but they can fight it in court if they wish.

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-jan-apr-2017/can-you-disinherit-your-spouse/

The law in England & Wales provides a counter balance to Testamentary Freedom through the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependents) Act 1975. The Act sets out categories of people that have the legal standing to challenge another person's Will on the basis that they have not been left reasonable financial provision. This type of legal challenge is frequently seen reported in the press when a celebrity or wealthy individual dies and the relatives are left fighting over how the Estate should be divided.

You can't state in your Will that this Act does not apply. So, technically, whilst you are physically able to exclude your spouse from your Will, this won't prevent them from being able to bring a claim under this Act. If they do bring a successful claim then they could still ultimately be entitled to receive something from your Estate even though your Will says otherwise.

1Morewineplease · 19/09/2020 21:50

Your partner needs to extricate himself as much as is reasonably possible from his ex.

raddledoldmisanthropist · 19/09/2020 22:13

@QuentinQuarantino

1. Dump the cocklodger.
  1. Use paragraphs.
  1. Read this
Great post.

I think it's possible his parents are fine with him cheating on his wife but really value good SPG.