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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - DPs parents acting like I don’t exist

79 replies

Cntrymum1 · 19/09/2020 13:24

Long time lurker first time poster, a little background. I have known DP for about 12 years, together 4, living together for the last 3. His parents have only known about us for the last year though and for all intensive purposes act like I don’t exist. This has never actually bothered me previously as I didn’t want to push things with him on this as he suffers from a large guilt complex surround his ex and the situation. He met his ex at 16, they had their DD at 17 and married at 19 together for 28 years. Although for the last 2 lived together but very separate lives, separate rooms, didn’t eat together unless other family were there, spent weekends independently etc. When we started seeing each other her reaction was that he should put his money where his mouth is and move in with me to that he shouldn’t take on such a big commitment (I also have a DS now 7) after he actually made the move - not once did they try and reconcile and it was her that instigated the separate living situation. She also told him that his parents would be devastated, which at the time I put down to her just exaggerating beliving that parents put their child first and allow them to live their lives but this was his reasoning for not actually telling them they were seperated until a year after he had moved out. His ex is close to his parents and DP says she is like the daughter they never had so I have not pushed for any contact or introduction to them trying to be sensitive to everyone else in the situation but I think with the whole lockdown scenario we are all in/out of/may be in again I’ve realised it does actually bother me. He supports his ex fully financially - she didn’t work until their DD left uni and only 12 hours a week now so they can’t judge him for leaving her vulnerable and also she pushed for him to move out as long as he provides spousal support (they aren’t actually divorced but have a lose agreement this means he pays all her living costs and the cost of the house), I cannot be considered a gold digger as it’s my house we live in now and the fact I am financially stable is a big part in him being able to cover the full living costs of his ex, his DD found out as soon as we started our relationship as they are very close and she has been his rock and has been nothing but supportive of us, out for meals, been on holiday together, stayed at our house etc so any issue they have is their own. My issue now is that I am a big part of their sons life but they ignore it, I encourage him to see his parents regularly but the last time he went to visit for a week (they live over 8 hours from us) he came home early as he missed home and also said it was awkward as if he mentioned anything about the house/me/DS they wouldn’t talk to him about it and just change the subject. I understand they may be hurt about his marriage ending but I don’t think they realise how awkward it makes his life if they ignore a big part of it.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 19/09/2020 22:22

I actually think he may deliberately be keeping you apart from his parents. You can’t be 100% sure that his parents are acting as he says they are - you only know what he’s telling you. I wouldn’t be surprised if his parents know the full story behind his marriage/supposed separation, and that your DP is worried that should you meet them, the lies he has been telling you will be exposed, and will bite him on the arse. They probably don’t even know you exist, and still think he’s with the ex.

TheWho67 · 20/09/2020 00:50

I agree with pp, I'm not sure he's telling you the full story. So, he left the marital home 3 yrs ago and no longer has any children with her to support. He is not divorced and is still providing for her financially. He needs to grow a back bone, divorce his wife, get his share of the assets, tell his family to at least meet you/stop ignoring your existence. He hasn't moved on and you're making it far to easy for him.

Plesky · 20/09/2020 01:07

In this whole clusterfuck, it’s the fact that his parents don’t sufficiently acknowledge you that’s your chief grumble?

Honestly, OP. He saw you coming.

HeddaGarbled · 20/09/2020 01:13

He’s a liar, isn’t he? ‘Lived together but very separate lives’ my arse. Clever, though, because you can’t disprove it unless you talk to the ex, especially with the ‘didn’t eat together unless other family were there’ enhancement.

I just want to add that it’s nigh on impossible for a woman who has been out of the workplace for years bringing up a family, to get a job that would financially match that of the father of those children, so don’t be too judgemental on that score.

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