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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - DPs parents acting like I don’t exist

79 replies

Cntrymum1 · 19/09/2020 13:24

Long time lurker first time poster, a little background. I have known DP for about 12 years, together 4, living together for the last 3. His parents have only known about us for the last year though and for all intensive purposes act like I don’t exist. This has never actually bothered me previously as I didn’t want to push things with him on this as he suffers from a large guilt complex surround his ex and the situation. He met his ex at 16, they had their DD at 17 and married at 19 together for 28 years. Although for the last 2 lived together but very separate lives, separate rooms, didn’t eat together unless other family were there, spent weekends independently etc. When we started seeing each other her reaction was that he should put his money where his mouth is and move in with me to that he shouldn’t take on such a big commitment (I also have a DS now 7) after he actually made the move - not once did they try and reconcile and it was her that instigated the separate living situation. She also told him that his parents would be devastated, which at the time I put down to her just exaggerating beliving that parents put their child first and allow them to live their lives but this was his reasoning for not actually telling them they were seperated until a year after he had moved out. His ex is close to his parents and DP says she is like the daughter they never had so I have not pushed for any contact or introduction to them trying to be sensitive to everyone else in the situation but I think with the whole lockdown scenario we are all in/out of/may be in again I’ve realised it does actually bother me. He supports his ex fully financially - she didn’t work until their DD left uni and only 12 hours a week now so they can’t judge him for leaving her vulnerable and also she pushed for him to move out as long as he provides spousal support (they aren’t actually divorced but have a lose agreement this means he pays all her living costs and the cost of the house), I cannot be considered a gold digger as it’s my house we live in now and the fact I am financially stable is a big part in him being able to cover the full living costs of his ex, his DD found out as soon as we started our relationship as they are very close and she has been his rock and has been nothing but supportive of us, out for meals, been on holiday together, stayed at our house etc so any issue they have is their own. My issue now is that I am a big part of their sons life but they ignore it, I encourage him to see his parents regularly but the last time he went to visit for a week (they live over 8 hours from us) he came home early as he missed home and also said it was awkward as if he mentioned anything about the house/me/DS they wouldn’t talk to him about it and just change the subject. I understand they may be hurt about his marriage ending but I don’t think they realise how awkward it makes his life if they ignore a big part of it.

OP posts:
Cntrymum1 · 19/09/2020 14:45

Sorry if I’m not replying correctly to people - pressing reply but not sure if it’s linking to the message I am responding to.

Ok - she is late 40’s, he is the same. I am 8 years younger than him. His daughter is 31 an adult, lives with her family, fully financially independent. His ex did not want to work until she had fully finished education - that’s their agreement nothing to do with me and something they decided as a family. She has only worked 12 hours per week for the 8-9 years

Nothing started prior to 4 years ago, I was married my husband got someone else pregnant, we divorced - very very messy, DP supported me through this and was very much able to do so as he wasn’t having a marital arrangement with his wife so I presume she didn’t care what he did.

As for supporting her, yes I would prefer they seperated but currently whilst married all assets are joint. I don’t want to share my assets with him yet - early days/messy divorce. Because she can’t/won’t support herself she would seek spousal maintenance and I think he see’s it as although she is living alone in the family home with his funding it’s still an asset gaining equity and he believes she will want to support herself the longer he isn’t there (I don’t)

OP posts:
M00vi3Night3 · 19/09/2020 14:46

Sounds like he is still married

Cntrymum1 · 19/09/2020 14:47

If he didn’t go from his family home straight to mine he would have had to split assets and essentially they would both have a worst quality of living as he would be supporting two house holds instead of one.

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 19/09/2020 14:47

Ah sorry just seen it wasn't an affair.

Where are they in the process of divorce? Has it been started? He needs to get a clean break order but tbh she sounds like his priority. How do you feel about that?

holdmysocks · 19/09/2020 14:49

He kept you a secret from his parents for three years and now after four he is living in your house and paying all his wife's expenses? Fucking hell I have actually heard it all now.

I would be so resentful of a man living under my roof giving money to another woman who is perfectly capable of supporting herself.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 19/09/2020 14:49

Why haven't he and his wife divorced?

Why would you let your partner's parents think you have only been together for the last year?

More to the point wtf are you doing propping up his wife's life style?

Does he pay rent and half the bills?

His parents ignoring your existence is the least of your problems.

Cocomarine · 19/09/2020 14:50

They live 8 hours away!!!!
FGS - how much do you want them to have contact with you?

I barely see my MIL (who is lovely, and I’m married to her son, with no possible question of an affair) and she lives 10 miles away! But we both have lives.

You don’t need contact with them - you WANT it, because your boyfriend is married to another woman and you’re trying to add some kind of legitimacy to your own relationship by adding in a “relationship with in laws”.

“I encourage him to see his parents regularly”. No. That’s what you do to a small child. His parents, his responsibility. WHY are you encouraging? Stop trying to take on the “wife” role of managing family relationships. Again, it smacks of trying to add legitimacy to your relationship with him.

Bottom line - he’s just shacking up at your place, with a fuckton of unfinished business, and you know it. That’s why you’re annoyed at his parents - because it’s just a bit too awkward to be annoyed with him.

rorosemary · 19/09/2020 14:50

I don't think you should be together while he is still married. It doesn't matter that he says it was over, this is someone elses husband. If he wants to have a relationship with you he should get a divorce. Not getting a divorce is fucked up, what if he goes to hospital? You won't be allowed a say in his care if he gets into a coma, his wife does. If he gets involved with the police (could be an accident or whatever) they will call his wife. Et cetera. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, it is important and if he doesn't want the marriage he needs to divorce.

Veterinari · 19/09/2020 14:51

She might seek spousal maintenance but it's unlikely she'd get it.
He's prioritising her wellbeing and financial support over building a life with you

LoftyLucy · 19/09/2020 14:53

His parents are the least of your worries. It's all so... Messy.

To them you look like a home wrecker! No wonder they're not keen.

You are indirectly supporting the ex wife by letting him cock lodge and he's not paying his way... And you're living with someone else's husband!

This is a complete mess. How has your son taken the situation?

AdaColeman · 19/09/2020 14:53

Unless he is a multi millionaire with a cock of gold, you are a mug and are being taken advantage of in more ways than I can count.

Why on earth are you living in this emotional and financial morass?

mediumperiperi · 19/09/2020 14:58

As is so often the case, he's the problem.

Why is he doing what his ex-wife says ? (Moving out, keeping you secret etc) He should have cut the cord a long time ago especially as the kids are adults.

He has you financially supporting him so he can continue this bizarre arrangement. He needs to go into therapy and work on this guilt issue. The children are adults and probably absolutely fine based on your post.

Has he ever sat his parents down and explained that it was wrong not to be honest and that he'll be waiting until they are ready to meet you? It sounds like he ran away because it was awkward rather than acknowledge their shock and ask that they try and move onto acceptance because everyone else was happy with the way things panned out?

At the end of the day you have done nothing wrong (except fall into the trap of supporting him so he can continue living with his emotional and financial mess) so he shouldn't treat you like a dirty secret. This creates the illusion that others should treat you like that too.

Pebblexox · 19/09/2020 15:00

Why on earth is he still supporting his wife financially if they're separated and have no young financially dependent children?
His parents aren't the issue here. He is. Get rid, seriously. You're being used so he can provide a cushty life for his 'ex' wife.

WorraLiberty · 19/09/2020 15:02

It looks like he saw you coming OP.

He's gone from living with one woman, straight to living with another who's only 9 years older than his daughter.

Perhaps this is why his parents don't want anything to do with the whole sorry mess.

Arrivederla · 19/09/2020 15:03

@Veterinari

She might seek spousal maintenance but it's unlikely she'd get it. He's prioritising her wellbeing and financial support over building a life with you
Exactly this. It's very unlikely these days that someone perfectly capable of supporting themselves would be awarded spousal maintenance.

I split up with my exh when I was in my late 50s and had to get a full time job (previously worked part time but spent a lot of time supporting him with his business). It was bloody hard to change my lifestyle like that but it hasn't killed me.

She needs to get a proper job, he needs a boot up the arse and you need to stop being so naive, op.

QuentinQuarantino · 19/09/2020 15:04
  1. Dump the cocklodger.
  1. Use paragraphs.
  1. Read this
Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 15:06

If he didn’t go from his family home straight to mine he would have had to split assets and essentially they would both have a worst quality of living as he would be supporting two house holds instead of one.

That's called "Not your fucking problem."

He is playing you for a fool. He had you marked from the beginning as an easy, soft place to land with no responsibility or commitment. Wake up, op.

Runnerduck34 · 19/09/2020 15:07

Its a mess, yes its hurtful his parents dont want to meet you but he has been keeping secrets from them, as far as they knew he was happy in his marriage, living with his wife so it must have been a big shock. If they have been together since teenagers obviously they have a close relationship with his wife, particularly if they supported them through teenage pregnancy etc.
He needs to sort his life out, tbh his parents are probably the least of your worries, he could be taking you for a mug.
He needs to start divorce proceedings and sort out financial affairs which may mean spousal support.
This would send a clear signal to everyone that his marriage is over, then his parents might be more accepting of new relationships. They can't be that close to him if he kept separate lives with wife then moving out to live with you hidden for such a long time.
If it was my son I would be curious about the new partner but probably concerned for his wife, upset their relationship ended and cross to be left in the dark.

SirGawain · 19/09/2020 15:19

@UnfinishedSymphon

Sorry but intensive purposes 🤣
I agree!
Cntrymum1 · 19/09/2020 15:20

It’s not that I want to play happy families with the in-laws it’s that he literally cannot have a conversation that mentions, me, my son, this house or any part of his life now without it being shut down or ignored. So if we go on holiday, to a nice restaurant, do something over the weekend if he mentions anything other than being alone or with friends it gets shut down. That’s hard on his relationship with them.

Also I do encourage his relationship with his parents as I no longer have mine so I appreciate the regrets of not spending more time with them when they were here, or picking up the phone more. I don’t need to be there but it’s now getting to the stage where he is making excuses not to ring them which I think is quite sad.

OP posts:
Crankley · 19/09/2020 15:20

They have known their son's wife for 28 years and whilst he still lived with her presumably hoped they would reconcile. You pop out of the woodwork, he has moved in with you - they probably think you lured him away it's not rocket science is it?

By the way, it's not intensive purposes, the correct saying is 'to all intents and purposes.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 15:24

You are focusing on the least significant area of imbalance in your relationship with this man. His dealings with his parents are not the issue and not your problem. Time to take off the blinders.

Cntrymum1 · 19/09/2020 15:25

I am not supporting him and he covers half of the bills and treats my son as he would his own. We live in my home so he doesn’t have the expense of a mortgage or rent as that’s paid for.

The guilt comes from an unplanned teen pregnancy, pressured marriage and catholic parents.

OP posts:
mediumperiperi · 19/09/2020 15:26

If he didn’t go from his family home straight to mine he would have had to split assets and essentially they would both have a worst quality of living as he would be supporting two house holds instead of one.

That's the reality of divorce! At least that way he could have dated you normally and had a proper clean slate. In his parents eyes it understandably looks underhand and dodgy- I would be surprised if they think you're really the mistress and he's covering for you. I wonder if they know that his dd knew of you way before they did and there could be a cultural element where parents would know he's separated and dating before their grandchild knows about the latter?

LittleOwl153 · 19/09/2020 15:30

Catholic parents. There is your answer. He will always be married in their eyes. Whether he is legally or not. That will not change. They will never accept you.