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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this a little rude

99 replies

malloryknox47 · 19/09/2020 11:24

Ok so it's a non issue really but I have a very good friend, supportive and lovely in most ways but she has this really weird habit of zoning out sometimes when I'm talking. No specific subject that seems to turn her off, I can just be chatting away and I'll see her eyes wandering and just not responding. Or doing something totally different like shouting to the kids or dog.

It makes me feel really awkward like I must be hideously boring and I never really know what to do. Do i continue or just shut up?

Sometimes it's like she's preoccupied or her mind is elsewhere. Or she's just not interested how would you react if someone did this mid conversation?

OP posts:

GoldfishParade · 19/09/2020 11:26

I'd think they were trying to undermine me on purpose

vodkaredbullgirl · 19/09/2020 11:27

What is it with MN and friends lol. Must be the 5th 1 in 24 hours.

WorraLiberty · 19/09/2020 11:27

I'd wonder if I was banging on a bit or if she had something on her mind.

Freixene · 19/09/2020 11:28

If she’s zoning out, I would stop and ask her if she’s ok- ‘just seemed like you were away with the fairies there, is everything ok?’
If she’s shouting at the kids or dog then stop talking abruptly until she’s finished and don’t start again. If she’s doing it that often then she’ll notice

LuluBellaBlue · 19/09/2020 11:30

I’d reflect on whether it was me rattling on and being boring or if my friend did it to everyone

Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2020 11:30

I can just be chatting away and I'll see her eyes wandering...

How much are you "chatting away?"

I'm playing the devil's advocate here, obviously, but I have known people who chat away incessantly and are seemingly oblivious as to how much the are droning on. Its it's not a conversation, it's a monologue.

Could this be an issue?

RubyAberdeen · 19/09/2020 11:30

It drives me utterly mental when you’re chatting to someone and they start talking to their kids halfway through. Or let their kids interrupt.

My kids are 6 and 3. I don’t let them interrupt.

MyTwoLeftFeet · 19/09/2020 11:34

I have a cousin who does this (not just to me). She's a lovely person so I know for a fact that it's not deliberate and even if she was bored by what someone was saying she'd definitely try to hide it. In her case she's told me she thinks she has mild ADHD (it didn't come up in relation to the zoning out which I've never mentioned to her but ADHD does run in her family and she's quite disorganised and anxious). She's not hyper in any way and the zoning out thing is involuntary. No idea if this is the case with your friend but it could well be just something that happens to her especially if she's tired or stressed.

SerenityNowwwww · 19/09/2020 11:35

I do that but I am listening. It’s just the way my brain works- it’s still ticking away and I am listening.

Boom45 · 19/09/2020 11:35

What has she said when you asked her about it?

Itsnotalwaysme · 19/09/2020 11:36

I zone out a lot. I have neuro issues and mental health issues.
I try hard to stay engaged but if I drift away just a gentle "you good?" Redirects me and focuses me back in

ZaraW · 19/09/2020 11:38

I used to do this with a friend who would discuss issues that I had no interest in. She would talk about her work colleagues endlessly. I've never met these people.

I would take it as a sign to change the topic.

ScrapThatThen · 19/09/2020 11:39

Yes, probably not intentional but has some daydreamy attention difficulties.

SoVeryLost · 19/09/2020 11:40

@malloryknox47

It makes me feel really awkward like I must be hideously boring and I never really know what to do. Do i continue or just shut up?

Sometimes it's like she's preoccupied or her mind is elsewhere. Or she's just not interested how would you react if someone did this mid conversation?

Is she suffering from anxiety? The zoning out can be a symptom, the inability to concentrate on something especially if they are having intrusive thoughts.

VinylDetective · 19/09/2020 11:40

@SerenityNowwwww

I do that but I am listening. It’s just the way my brain works- it’s still ticking away and I am listening.

So do I. To the extent that I’ve had to explain in the past that this is my listening face.

MsWonderful · 19/09/2020 11:42

Without meaning to be rude, I assume you have considered the possibility that you might be going on a bit?

thepeopleversuswork · 19/09/2020 11:42

I do think good social skills includes an awareness of how behaviour impacts others and that includes reading the room and adapting to how others respond when they are talking about something. If you're really honest with yourself, do you actually think she's interested in what you're talking about?

Could you inadvertantly be talking away about something she's quite bored by, or repeating yourself?

I come from a family of people who all think their views on any particular subject are fascinating and everyone needs to stop and listen to them. Sometimes they are interesting, but sometimes your views are far less interesting to others than they are to you. It can be exhausting and dispiriting when people bang on about something without stopping to think about how interested others are.

Some people find this much easier to judge than others: its not always easy.

I don't mean that you should censor yourself but good friendship includes a commitment to read the signs and if others are bored, dispirited or exhausted by your conversation, respond accordingly.

iklboo · 19/09/2020 11:45

Sorry to ask but are you just talking without asking interaction from her? My mum does this and sometimes it's like a flipping monologue.

katiegoestoaldi · 19/09/2020 11:45

Sounds a lot like me OP. I have ADHD and I really struggle to stay focused on people talking, I will drift in and out and I am sure my eyes must go glazed. Do you think your friend might have ADHD?

If they are otherwise nice I wouldn't assume they're being rude on purpose

CoronaIsWatching · 19/09/2020 11:45

My DP does this sometimes, he then goes of on a tangent talking about himself

Really annoying!

Original poster

malloryknox47 · 19/09/2020 11:50

It can happen on a variety of topics some of which are initiated by her. I can be talking to her about her life or situation and it happens. I don't think I'm being self centered or rattling on especially. Could be anxiety or being preoccupied I guess. I just never know whether to carry on or shut up lol. And I haven't really found a suitable way of saying 'oi are you listening' yet

OP posts:

iwantmyownicecreamvan · 19/09/2020 11:51

I would think I was going on too much (it has been known ).

If people look as though they're not listening I just stop. If they are listening then they'll probably say so and ask me to continue. If they aren't they won't notice anyway.

thatsyourbusiness · 19/09/2020 11:52

I do this... I am listening but my eyes wonder and I’m constantly trying to keep my thoughts from coming to the forefront of my mind and distracting me. I also have to focus on stopping myself from talking over the person speaking. It’s with everyone, even during incredibly important conversations, not just specific/boring people.

I have also noticed recently that sometimes I must come across as being a bit bored as my eyes feel glazed even if I’m making eye contact - I’m not I just find conversations hard work as my mind is racing so fast and I have to control it. I always feel awful about myself afterwards and hope I didn’t offend the person I had been talking to.

I would never start talking to somebody else mid conversation, etc though - that is really rude!

I do recognise it and try to stay focused, perhaps your friend isn’t aware she is doing this?

iklboo · 19/09/2020 11:53

And I haven't really found a suitable way of saying 'oi are you listening' yet

'What do you think?'

GoldfishParade · 19/09/2020 11:54

Cant believe most of the replies on here are people saying they treat the person opposite them disrespectfully because of (insert idiosyncratic quirk).

Its not all about you. It's why manners were invented. So the other person feels valued.

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