Page 4 | To find this a little rude

ddl1 · 19/09/2020 13:32

I suppose I would find it a bit irritating if it happened frequently, but I wouldn't take it personally. Some people are easily distracted and have problems with focus, or have lives that are very complicated and are always preoccupied with something. Also, people who are slightly hearing-impaired, and may not even realize it themselves, may act like this.

Goldenbear · 19/09/2020 14:05

People who are posting in defence of this are mostly assuming that the OP is talking about her/himself but people 'do' talk bout other things actual topics of conversation like school politics, concerns over the economy/jobs. I honestly want to cringe out of embarrassment for the person that I know who does this. I did yesterday when she did it to a mutual friend, as she actually seemingly engages with the conversation, asks questions but doesn't wait for the answer, yesterday a case in point, stands up and is looking around for an 8 year old DD that is with our DDs in a very small enclosed area. I could see the frustration on my friends face who she started to ignore and every time she tried to answer the question the other Day Dreamer friend had asked, she would get distracted and fuss about her quite old child again. Prior to this episode she had spoken for quite a long time about a personal issue that we sat and listened to, she was able to concentrate when she was the subject. She does this to everyone and it is comedy value amongst people we know because of the cringy nature of it. It 'certainly' isn't because all the people she does this to are droning on! I fundamentally disagree that this is always about the person talking, it isn't!

I can't believe somebody said upthread that they just walk off from conversations, it just sounds incredibly self centred and egotistical as if the only things to be heard are from yourself! Listening to people is really an important part of social interaction and it shows a complete lack of empathy if you can't be bothered, not something I'd want to demonstrate to my children.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/09/2020 14:09

I'd reflect on whether I was going on a bit. I would pause and wait for her to 'come back in' or pick up on the fact I'd paused.

I'd certainly ask nicely if she had something on her mind. Depending on the friendship, I might well say 'am I boring you?' but only if it would be taken in good part.

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 19/09/2020 14:10

I do this all the time and I have ADHD. I only realise it after Ive done it.

To be honest it can depend on how engaging the friend is. Some friends I never do this with, others I catch myself doing it a lot.

geekone · 19/09/2020 14:14

@SerenityNowwwww

I do that but I am listening. It’s just the way my brain works- it’s still ticking away and I am listening.

Me too.

Butwhataboutus · 19/09/2020 14:16

I get restless when I'm sat there, having a one-way convo with friend. If on the t'phone, and friend is going on, I'm always doing something else; catching up on work admin' or prepping dinner. But don't worry, I'm a-listening!

BunnyLovesBananas · 19/09/2020 14:19

@Freixene

If she’s zoning out, I would stop and ask her if she’s ok- ‘just seemed like you were away with the fairies there, is everything ok?’ If she’s shouting at the kids or dog then stop talking abruptly until she’s finished and don’t start again. If she’s doing it that often then she’ll notice

Do this. It's a nice way to call her out on it, which you must do.

She is rude to do that but also consider whether you go on a bit or have a flat delivery. No offence but sometimes I think I don't get to the point so maybe we can bore others without realising.

YellowNotRed · 19/09/2020 14:22

I have one friend who refuses to listen to the end of any sentence. She will ask a question, then shortly say what age thinks the answer is. And she interrupts a LOT. I'm not a big talker, either, I don't go into boring detail and I'm aware if I've been speaking for more than 10 secs!

I don't see her much...

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 19/09/2020 14:33

@CoronaIsWatching

My DP does this sometimes, he then goes of on a tangent talking about himself

Really annoying!

Mine too, I’ve started stopping mid sentence and he’s still not listening. So I don’t talk anymore apart from essential shit. Try it op, if she’s not got problems that mean she can’t concentrate, maybe she can’t be arsed.

Inappropriatefemale · 19/09/2020 14:37

I sometimes can be guilty of being the type of pal that your post is about, and usually it’s because I have something on my mind that is getting to me, and stressing me out, therefore I cannot concentrate on others peoples issues, could it be this OP?

I also think that some of us are just more inclined to be listeners than talkers and vice versa, when I had lots of friends then I had one that I went to when I wanted a laugh, one that I would go to to get advice from and one that would come to me for advice, it was rare that I had one friend that would be suitable for all 3 things, I haven’t had a pal like this in a long long time.

Jaxhog · 19/09/2020 14:46

My DH does this - 'chatting' non-stop for a very long time (hours). I used to do it too.

Sometimes we think we are having a conversation when we're actually delivering a monologue. If you do that then people will just tune out because it appears that their participation is optional. Do you ask her questions and allow her time to answer?

The other thing to do is to just stop talking. If your friend has tuned out then she won't notice straight away. If she hasn't then she'll probably make a comment.

HomeEdRocks18 · 19/09/2020 14:48

She could have epilepsy

Inappropriatefemale · 19/09/2020 14:58

@HomeEdRocks18

She could have epilepsy

Does epilepsy make you zone out the way the OP describes? Surely the OP would know the difference between a medical zoning out and just a not interested one?

My grandmother had epilepsy and whilst I don’t know an awfully lot about it, then maybe you are correct and that zoning out is a symptom of it?

popcornlover · 19/09/2020 14:59

Does she talk back? Do you pause and allow her to speak?
Sometimes people can zone out but still hear you and understand.

Original poster

malloryknox47 · 19/09/2020 15:03

I wasn't expecting so many replies! Some really good points been made. I would add that I'm definitely not a me me me type of person and I do feel like I'm quite good at reading the room in terms of knowing when someone just isn't interested. But this happens a lot in all types of conversations, it's genuinely not a case of me just unknowingly rattling on and boring her to death. It's just knowing how to react to her blatant disinterest.

I've actually seen her this morning and she did it a couple of times so I just stopped speaking. It's not a major issue, she's a good friend otherwise and I think a lot of it due to her being preoccupied.

OP posts:

Inappropriatefemale · 19/09/2020 15:09

@malloryknox47

I wasn't expecting so many replies! Some really good points been made. I would add that I'm definitely not a me me me type of person and I do feel like I'm quite good at reading the room in terms of knowing when someone just isn't interested. But this happens a lot in all types of conversations, it's genuinely not a case of me just unknowingly rattling on and boring her to death. It's just knowing how to react to her blatant disinterest.

I've actually seen her this morning and she did it a couple of times so I just stopped speaking. It's not a major issue, she's a good friend otherwise and I think a lot of it due to her being preoccupied.

I am guilty of doing this but I always know when I do do I have a habit of doing it, she then changes the subject and I end up going back to her issue so that she gets to say what she needs to in the end, I don’t know why I do it but since I have become aware of it then I do it less!

Sometimes it’s just about self awareness! Have you tried just telling her OP and see what she says? With me I think I’m often concentrating on what answer to give her that I just stop listening to what she is actually saying, I hate saying the wrong thing! I’m strange like that

Mumoftwo1994 · 19/09/2020 15:11

@malloryknox47

Ok so it's a non issue really but I have a very good friend, supportive and lovely in most ways but she has this really weird habit of zoning out sometimes when I'm talking. No specific subject that seems to turn her off, I can just be chatting away and I'll see her eyes wandering and just not responding. Or doing something totally different like shouting to the kids or dog.

It makes me feel really awkward like I must be hideously boring and I never really know what to do. Do i continue or just shut up?

Sometimes it's like she's preoccupied or her mind is elsewhere. Or she's just not interested how would you react if someone did this mid conversation?

I mean it's potentially a problem, but honestly I do it to everyone. I can't help it at all, I'm literally known for doing it. I do have epilepsy and am on medication so I don't think that helps, but even as I kid I did this. So it could just be something she does.

Inappropriatefemale · 19/09/2020 15:15

How did you know @Mumoftwo1994 that you had epilepsy? It’s just I can zone out and I do often get things in my eyes as if I’ve been looking at a light bulb when I haven’t and I have to lie down in a dark room when this happens, plus my grandma had it and didn’t find out until she was in her 40s, I’m 39 so nearly there.

Rudolphian · 19/09/2020 15:22

I once went for food with a friend.
She just kept talking and talking and talking. It was like a low drone. I guess I hadn't noticed it before because we hadn't really met up.for just food, and would meet on the way to class or something.
Any time I didnt look at her she would ask me if I was listening or not.
It really jarred.
I was just looking at my surrounding trying to soak in the atmosphere and listen to the music.
She did it a few times, I wasnt ignoring her but she was just talking and I cant remember what it was about but she wasnt really looking for my contribution to it. She just wanted every.piece of my attention focussed upon her. In the end my head started hurting.
I didnt meet up with her again for food alone.

Mumoftwo1994 · 19/09/2020 15:36

@Inappropriatefemale

How did you know *@Mumoftwo1994* that you had epilepsy? It’s just I can zone out and I do often get things in my eyes as if I’ve been looking at a light bulb when I haven’t and I have to lie down in a dark room when this happens, plus my grandma had it and didn’t find out until she was in her 40s, I’m 39 so nearly there.

Well I’ve had it since I was 12 and am I on medication, but for me my attention span can be short. Not the same for everyone, but as a kid I was quite prone to dazing, maybe it was a precursor? But my friends mostly just laugh at me because they’re so used to it. Although I’m sure they do get annoyed, my partner does god bless him.

redcarbluecar · 19/09/2020 15:37

Assuming you’re not talking too much, I’m guessing she just has a short attention span- perhaps doesn’t even mean to be rude. Maybe try to keep your contributions brief (don’t recount anecdotes etc) ask her lots of questions, try to find ways to snap her attention back to you when she drifts.
I would personally pull someone up on not listening - jokingly probably, but I’d show I’d noticed. This is more difficult though with people who talk too much then zone out when others contribute - is your friend like that?

jackfruitz · 19/09/2020 15:44

Does she have ADHD? My MIL does this, will even ask you a question, as you answer she interrupts you with what she had for lunch yesterday She admits she can’t focus when people talk to her and often forgets what people are telling her. She regularly interrupts conversations which are all signs of ADHD.

msflibble · 19/09/2020 16:36

She may be a bit ADHD op. I am, and sometimes something catches my attention when I'm listening or talking to someone and I completely lose my concentration on what's being said, even if I'm the one speaking. I find it hard to chat in, say, supermarkets because there are so many colours and noises distracting me! People find it annoying to be fair, but it's not because they are boring, it's just because I'm very distractible. I can't multitask for shit.

Inappropriatefemale · 19/09/2020 16:58

My brother thinks I have ADHD so maybe I do as I often ask a question and then by the time they tell me the answer, I’ve moved on and asked something else, but then it it’s something really important then I don’t tend to do this as I know it’s too important to do,,god knows what’s up with me, just a crap listener really!