To find this a little rude

[malloryknox47]

Ok so it's a non issue really but I have a very good friend, supportive and lovely in most ways but she has this really weird habit of zoning out sometimes when I'm talking. No specific subject that seems to turn her off, I can just be chatting away and I'll see her eyes wandering and just not responding. Or doing something totally different like shouting to the kids or dog.

It makes me feel really awkward like I must be hideously boring and I never really know what to do. Do i continue or just shut up?

Sometimes it's like she's preoccupied or her mind is elsewhere. Or she's just not interested how would you react if someone did this mid conversation?

it could be anxiety
perhaps have shorter sentences?
leave space for her to talk?
do you walk and talk?

listening is an art, sometimes not easy.

I zone out alot when someones talking alot. Cant help it, even when I try and focus on what they're saying I'm paying more attention to trying to focus than them. I'm autistic, but its not just an autistic trait.
Does it happen mostly when conversations are more one sided? Some people just aren't good at extended listening periods. It's not personal

I do this by accident, I really try not to. I have thought for a couple of years I might have adhd. Though god knows all I’d get is an eye roll from my GPs if I went went to them with looking for a diagnosis.

If she’s a lovely person in other ways, please don’t take it personally.

I'd think they were trying to undermine me on purpose

That’s weirdly paranoid.

Either the friend has issues concentrating, or the OP is simply discussing something the friend isn’t particularly interested in and struggles to remain engaged with. Normal.

I do this a lot. It doesn't matter how interested I am, I find it hard to stay focused. I can also sometimes look as if I'm completely focused but not take in a word someone is saying. It's definitely not boredom or deliberate rudeness on my part. It's just the way my brain is wired and one of the many reasons I believe I probably have undiagnosed ADHD.

and tbh sometimes dogs and children do need Immediate attention.

her way of life might just be like that currently.

I have two little kids and a dog. I will often have one eye on them during conversations because I don't want a guests handbag being peed in or their coat being chewed up and used as a bed. The dog can sometimes be annoying too.

I can still listen while making sure they don't shit in the garden.

@GoldfishParade

Cant believe most of the replies on here are people saying they treat the person opposite them disrespectfully because of (insert idiosyncratic quirk).

Its not all about you. It's why manners were invented. So the other person feels valued.

Everyone who said this said they tried their hardest. Sometimes not being a judgemental dick is hard too it seems.

I have a friend who does this. I find it really rude as she gives good eye contact when she's talking about something, but when I'm talking about something her eyes are drifting behind me. I end up just stopping.

I've tried doing the same to her and I can't! It's just so rude. I try to make sure if there's a choice, that I'll try and choose a seat with the more interesting view to make it less appealing.

I do like her a lot and on the phone (which we've done recently) she's fine. I don't think she's even aware of it.

@Notverybright If it's a massive effort for you to act like you give a shit about your friends so they feel okay about themselves, maybe you need new friends. I have ADHD and anxiety. I dont let my eyes "glaze over" when my friend is telling me something. It's just basic politeness you should be able to manage if you're living on society. As the OP says, it can be taken as rude.

If you prefer being a rude prick then as you were.

Active listening is very difficult and energy sapping. I know I have to concentrate hard to stop my mind wandering when I am chatting with friends. I often have to apologise and say I wasn't quite listening properly. My friends are accepting of the fact that I zone out sometimes. I do the same with podcasts or audio books. If I start to think of something else when I am listening I zone them out and have to go back to catch up.

I dont let my eyes "glaze over" when my friend is telling me something.

Good for you that you have the physical and cognitive capacity to do so. Some people don’t. It’s not a conscious choice; many people can’t help it or are not even aware of it.

If the friendship is good in other respects does it really matter that someone isn’t 100% engaged through long chitchat about subjects they struggle to connect with?

Op I know someone like this, everyone notices it about her, it is so obvious sometimes that it has comedy value. Even my husband notices and he only knows her as our child's friend's Mum so he doesn't engage like a friend might talking about anything in depth. Everyone who knows her certainly thinks it is her and not their topics of conversation. Of course it might be different in your case.

Honestly I find easier to listen when I’m not looking someone in the eye. If I’m looking someone in the eye, I’m thinking about looking them in the eye, if that makes sense.

I am very aware of the ‘flaky’ impression I give off and I hate it. What looks like glazing over to the op might actually be concentrating is what I am trying to say @GoldfishParade

I do that too. Always have, I used to get in trouble at school but I am listening, I use my ears for that not my eyes. Lucky to have good friends who understand that I can't just leave my toddler be a disaster and I need to keep my eyes on them . I do it even when I am the one talking and yes please keep talking she's probably still listening to you.
It's not all about manners, can't we just relax a bit around friends?

Sometimes people are just rude. Bil has one topic of conversation - himself and his hobbies. If you told him you had just returned from the moon with Elon Musk he would probably say, “Oh.” And that would be that.To him conversation means, “Oh, yes, tell me more about your fly fishing,” and then laughing and nodding for an excruciatingly long time.

I too do the “immediate stop talking” thing if I see a distracted person. The number of times someone will not even have noticed. Anyone can be distracted by children/pets, but then they would say, “Sorry, you were saying?” The worst culprits are the ones you see sidling their eyes onto their phone...

some people are just waiting for their turn to talk.

She might have difficulties with attention, anxiety, overthinking, lots of things! It doesn't mean you're boring! Maybe just ask her if you're a good friend?

Op. You know the answer to this. When someone does this they are bored of rhe conversation and you’ve lost them. Unless she’s not nt. You need to read body language and clues. When someone starts looking elsewhere and doing something else, you’ve bored them and they aren’t interested.

I’ve been doing this for the first time over the last few months due to extreme tiredness...could be that.

@GoldfishParade

Sounds like you're not one to lecture on manners! People were describing something that happens to them involuntarily. They're not saying it's something they choose to do to be quirky.

What is more important than manners is kindness and consideration. Someone with attention issues or anxiety may try to stay focus but won't always succeed. Anyone who was a friend of theirs would presumably also realise that it wasn't deliberate and just gently bring their attention back to the conversation. That's how interactions work with nice people.

Obviously we don't know what's really going on here maybe OP's friend is just bored or rude but a little understanding and giving people the benefit of the doubt usually makes the world a nicer place.

@TotorosNeighbour

Friends are generally understanding and well... they’re still my friends so I must have other qualities

It’s awful when I’ve come across as a completely incompetent, distracted idiot in a professional capacity though. I also talk far too quickly when it’s my turn to speak, which is the cherry on the cake. I have also started to slur mid convo in the past, I must come across as under the influence!

I have so much self hatred due to not being able to behave like a well-mannered human being during conversations despite how hard I try. I now avoid people so I don’t embarrass myself and make others feel bad about themselves.

I have a colleague who is like this. She is really self centered though and if we are not discussing her or her boyfriend issues then she will blatantly zone out.
I even throw in a 'ha you're not listening to a word I say' as I'm walking away and she doesn't even notice I've gone. She's too busy looking around for other people to chat to.

Sometimes people with ptsd, or a form thereof do this. It's called dissociation. Happens to me a lot. I can't really help it. Could it be the same with your friend?