To find this a little rude

[malloryknox47]

Ok so it's a non issue really but I have a very good friend, supportive and lovely in most ways but she has this really weird habit of zoning out sometimes when I'm talking. No specific subject that seems to turn her off, I can just be chatting away and I'll see her eyes wandering and just not responding. Or doing something totally different like shouting to the kids or dog.

It makes me feel really awkward like I must be hideously boring and I never really know what to do. Do i continue or just shut up?

Sometimes it's like she's preoccupied or her mind is elsewhere. Or she's just not interested how would you react if someone did this mid conversation?

No it is rude .
If she does it , stop talking . Just mid sentence . Silence.
If she asks you what you were saying just say "Well it obviously wasn't important was it , so never mind" .

I would say, and have said to a few people, I don't think you are listening to me,so I may as well stop talking now, and it usually gets a response of some sort... It is worse when people are glued to their phones, and have a short attention span.

Hello OP

Ever since I can remember remembering, I used to 'zone out' unintentionally. Even when I was watching/listening to something that really interested me.

I was an avid reader. Once I hit my early teens, I realised that I'd often need to read the same page two or three times. I'd get half-way through and not remember a single thing I'd just read.

Anyway, to cut a long story very short, I was having absence seizures. It never occurred to me that I had a legit medical issue. It was only picked up when I started having full tonic clonic (grand mal) seizures.

Is your friend a clumsy person? I was told off a lot for being clumsy. I wasn't, I'd have an absence seizure and forget I was holding something. Or I'd trip over my own feet.

If your friend is lovely in other ways, I'd cut her some slack as she genuinely might not be aware she's doing it. If one of my friends had raised this with me and said it bothered them, I wouldn't have taken offence.

Epilepsy meds have drastically reduced my tonic clonic seizures, but I still have frequent absence seizures. The most regular one is when I'm trying to use the Sky TV guide!

I have a friend (well, an ex friend, but that's a diff story) who continuously picks up and looks at her phone and answers texts etc when you're in the middle of speaking!!!! I just stop and wait for her to put it down again, but its so fucking rude. It is actually part of the reason i don't wish to be her friend anymore. That and the fact she's an immoral, drug-taking liar. 😁

@thatsyourbusiness
I can totally see my self in your post. It's really hard sometimes, especially in a work setting and when there's someone who just talks too much it feels like ages till they get to the point! If I keep my eyes on them I start to feel hypnotized after a while !

It's not chatting if it is just you talking, chatting is talking to someone, not at them. Do you pause for her to respond? Also, some people can not listen and make eye contact at the same time so they may look like they are not listening when they are, or be making eye contact but not comprehending.

@GoldfishParade
If you prefer being a rude prick then as you were.

I can't believe you just wrote that without any hint of irony. Everybody has personality flaws that will occasionally annoy their friends (some people are forgetful, some people occasionally drift off, some people talk too much etc) I think it's fairly obvious from your posts that you have plenty of personality flaws yourself; I could list lack of empathy, self absorrbtion (I don't have that problem so I can't imagine anyone else having it), rudeness and unkindness for example. There's a massive difference between a friend who tries their best and occasionally slips up unintentionally and one who is deliberately self asbsorbed and selfish.

@malloryknox47

It can happen on a variety of topics some of which are initiated by her. I can be talking to her about her life or situation and it happens. I don't think I'm being self centered or rattling on especially. Could be anxiety or being preoccupied I guess. I just never know whether to carry on or shut up lol. And I haven't really found a suitable way of saying 'oi are you listening' yet

If there are kids and a dog in the area, it's very natural to be checking what they are up to whilst talking and then breaking off to stop somebody about to immolate themselves, eat the other's food or chuck up on the carpet.

I do it all the time because I'm primed for something to go wrong if I completely focus on the one being in the room that is least likely to do themselves or others a mischief; annoying in a personal context for somebody who isn't used to it, but vital at work; it's the 'eyes in the back of my head' ability in practice.

Unfortunately, some us also do it as a legacy from abuse - that being aware of impending attack, rather than first knowing about it when it happens, is an essential survival technique. You can't be happily oblivious to the subtle changes in posture or expression of somebody else and giving a non threatening person 100% of your attention.

Stopping and saying (nicely) ' You OK?' is the gentlest way of bringing somebody back.

@GoldfishParade

Cant believe most of the replies on here are people saying they treat the person opposite them disrespectfully because of (insert idiosyncratic quirk).

Its not all about you. It's why manners were invented. So the other person feels valued.

Manners were invented within a neurotypical framework and what is seen to be acceptable behaviour by the majority does not always come easily, or is not always possible to those who are not neurotypical (many of whom are undiagnosed).

It's not all about you.

I'm like the friend.In my case I seem to mentally shut down and I'm totally unaware I'm doing it until I come back on line as it were.

I had this with a friend I was telling her that I had just found out that my grandmother died (she lived with me at the time) she wasn't being particularly attentive but I thought she was listening a little. A week later when we had the funeral she acted surprised she had no idea that she had died. I went off her after that.

I have a friend who when we take our young children out somewhere wants to have really in-depth chats sometimes which I find impossible when I'm trying to make sure the children are safe.
Her son regularly wanders off or hits my child and it isn't noticed by her unless my son hits him back and he cries.

If your friend is trying to watch her children and her dog then she can't give you all of her attention.

Epilepsy?

www.epilepsy.com/learn/types-seizures/absence-seizures

If it's about subjects she's initiated, could you be "taking over" the subject/conversation? For example, if I'm talking to my Mum about something important to me and there is a vague connection to something she has experienced/read about/Mary two doors down daughter's friend has had, then she is off and running, completely disregarding anything I was saying. And, even when she has exhausted that it won't come back to me and what I was saying, she'll be onto another subject.

Just a thought.

I have been on the giving and receiving end of this.

I’ve had a few friends do this to me. Usually I feel that I’m probably boring them to death or prattling on too much. Sometimes it’s because they’re distracted by their kids, sometimes I feel that people just don’t get out much and are desperate to talk and end up talking over you/not listening to you etc. I try not to take it personally, if I was that boring they wouldn’t ask to meet again.

I’ve done it myself as well, usually when someone - sometimes friends, usually mil or fil- keep talking on and on, like a monologue, and I really need to get up and do something, or call the kids, or ask the kids to stop doing something as they’re being naughty or doing something dangerous but the person talking is oblivious.

My MIL does this with me, but I've noticed she doesn't do it with anyone else. I will literally get two words out and then she's calling the dog over, or interrupting me, or rushing to see who's walking past the front window. Anybody else she's hanging off their every word.
Is your friend just behaving like this with you? That might give you a clue if it's personal and worth bringing it up with her.

Like pp you should maybe prompt her to see if she is ok or check you aren't droning on or repeating yourself. I switch off if I am hearing the same thing more than twice in a small group conversation. If it is one on one then I change the subject or mmm my way through it before my eyes glaze over. I have gone as far as walking away from a group conversation that has already been had, may be rude but I am not missing anything I have no more input to give so I vacate for the people who are actually interested.

I have a group of friends and they are all quite bad for this, but one in particular is really bad. They will also interrupt your story and start talking about something else, but its not just me they do it to. I've started doing it back to them. I know that's passive aggressive, but it makes me feel better.

I'm not a good listener. I am working on it as best as I can because I really want to get better at it. It isn't because people are boring, it's all my own issues. I'm very anxious and self conscious and it impedes my ability to really let go and immerse myself in what someone else is saying.

I'm not excusing it - it is rude. But perhaps your friend is the same?

how would you react if someone did this mid conversation?

I'd ask my friend.

"Hey, I've noticed that often when I'm talking you look off into the distance and I catch myself wondering if you've stopped listening. I feel awkward and worried that I might be going on too much – is that true?"

You could make up all kinds of theories about what's happening for her, but you'll never know for sure unless you ask – without judgement or projection.

I'd assume I was boring them by talking too much. It would put me off and I'd stop. If it kept happening I'd maybe figure the two of us didn't gel very well and I'd prioritise talking to other people who I got on better with

I zone out sometimes when people are talking to me, I sometimes do it to myself when I’m talking and just completely forget what I am saying. Done it for years, so not necessarily age related.
Don’t know why I do it, people have asked me if ‘im Ok’ when I do it. It’s not something I have conscious control over and I am unaware I’m doing it, until I snap out.
Assuming you have no reason to think she’s trying to undermine you, or you are chatting away oblivious to someone’s boredom. I would not take it personal, just kindly ask her if she’s ok - you where miles away then, or something similar. She might provide similar explanations to me and others on this thread.

I do one of these:
Just stop and don’t restart
Ask did you hear that?
Start again at the beginning
Stick an outrageous lie in the middle of what I was saying then get their attention and challenge them
Start playing on my phone

My MIL does this with me, but I've noticed she doesn't do it with anyone else. I will literally get two words out and then she's calling the dog over, or interrupting me, or rushing to see who's walking past the front window.

I can totally relate. I've got a friend like that. She holds the floor most of the time when we talk. Often when I start to say something, she'll interrupt to ask what kind of tea I'd like, or start fussing over her DC. Don't really go on about my problems but the few times I've opened up about something in my life, it's been particularly apparent.

Dont know what it says about me, but I was quite relieved when DH also said he struggled to talk to her as the flow of the conversation was interrupted several times by her checking on her kid (who was absolutely fine by the way).

@Aquamarine1029

I can just be chatting away and I'll see her eyes wandering...

How much are you "chatting away?"

I'm playing the devil's advocate here, obviously, but I have known people who chat away incessantly and are seemingly oblivious as to how much the are droning on. Its it's not a conversation, it's a monologue.

Could this be an issue?

I was wondering this. I have a friend who monologues. Shes all “me.me.me” I try really, really hard not to glaze over but there’s only so long I can focus for.