Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH at pub without telling me

96 replies

Wingingthis · 18/09/2020 20:11

Background - DH works away all week. Monday morning - Friday night. We have two daughters, 3 years old and 5 months old. I’m really REALLY struggling mentally and just in general coping atm and he most definitely knows this. To make things worth both the girls & myself are unwell this week, again he knows this.

He finishes at 6:30 and it’s a good hour at least home. I called him at 7:45 about something and he said hes “leaving soon” I asked if he’d worked late and he said no he was having a drink and “debrief” at the pub about the week. He works with his best mate so I’m not buying this. He’s left about 30 mins ago.
AIBU to be annoyed he didn’t even let me know???? I would and have always said of course see your friends, but I’m alone all week and the nights I get help/adult company are very important to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wingingthis · 18/09/2020 20:12

Oh should have said he also said “but the pub was on the way home and there was traffic” 😑👍🏼
Still - let me know!!!!

OP posts:
Newkitchen123 · 18/09/2020 20:13

What would you have said of he'd let you know?

Original poster
Wingingthis · 18/09/2020 20:14

I would have said it’s fine - I always have & always would unless I had a genuine reason I needed him home. I’ve always said seeing friends is important for both of us

OP posts:
tvsnacking · 18/09/2020 20:16

He know you are unwell. He should come home . Because you are a team .

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/09/2020 20:16

He's probably struggling a bit too and needs the stress relief but is being blind to the fact the way he's done it stresses you more and you don't have the same opportunity so it's doubly unimpressive for him to be so dismissive of the fact you are at home, feeling lonely and looking after his (and your, of course) children.

It's difficult to handle these sorts of discussions well because you're both likely a bit on edge and not easily able to talk calmly about it, but some form of talk is in order so that you both get the support you need from each other.

Flowers I hope the weekend gets better.

Cloudtraffic · 18/09/2020 20:18

Think you need to be a lot clearer in what you want and need OP - even if he’d “told you” this would be unacceptable to me given circumstances you describe

Adelino · 18/09/2020 20:19

Yanbu.
I think sometimes a working parent doesn't understand that for a SAH parent their weekend feeling doesn't start until their partner is home.
I would definitely expect DH to check this with me and to give me the chance to say "Actually, no, I need you hone to help with the kids this evening."

However,
It sounds like he might be under a big of pressure trying to balance work, family life your mental health and his own mental wellbeing. So it's definitely worth a conversation, but maybe leave it until tomorrow so you can both be calm rather than annoyed/ stressed.

jb2941 · 18/09/2020 20:19

A lot of people will say that he deserves that time but you have been poorly, you needed him home after a long week. I totally get your frustration. I would expect mine to come straight home too!!

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2020 20:19

I get you op. Your time together is prescious, he can go to the pub 4 nights a week. But he does it the night he's meant to be coming home to the three of you and doesn't bother to tell you he isn't coming home, you can fun AFTER he's due and he's still in the pub.
It isn't about you letting him go or banning him, it's about common courtesy to the person who's Kelly your house afloat am week and your kids alive.

If he's only an hour away though why doesn't he come home in the week?

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2020 20:20

A lot of people will say that he deserves that time he has 4 nights a week to himself, 4 nights of uninterrupted sleep. Op doesn't

Original poster
Wingingthis · 18/09/2020 20:24

Thank you everyone! He doesn’t come home in the week as although it’s only an hour away he works very long days - so would have to leave at 4:30 every day and wouldn’t get home till 8 realistically

OP posts:
TheCanyon · 18/09/2020 20:25

Wait, why does he work away all week when it's only an hour away? To be honest, in that situation I'd be absolutely calling him a selfish twunt but I'd not really bother my arse, you do everything all week anyways

Pebblexox · 18/09/2020 20:26

I personally wouldn't mind if it was my dh, however given the situation you've described you aren't being unreasonable to be upset and frustrated with him. Have a talk to him about expectations when he's working away etc.

SunshineCake · 18/09/2020 20:28

When you are expecting some one home at 7.30 and at 7.45 they haven't even left it can feel like the worst thing. You've done all day then when you are expecting them any second as they are already late, knowing you have to wait another hour could be the last straw. Doesn't matter if you would have said it was fine. It matters that he didn't check in. The fact you are all poorly makes it worse. Tomorrow you get the lie in, all meals made and some free time.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2020 20:29

Op do you think this is sustainable with two kids? I mean he basically sees his kids weekends only, how well does he know them? Does he ever do solo care?

SBTLove · 18/09/2020 20:30

@BoomBoomsCousin
Struggling? he chooses to work away rather than have an early start, sounds like he’s the life of riley!
OP I think it’s time for a change, does he work from 5.30am- 7.30pm?? I’d be asking him to do a week at home a week away, there’s no need for this setup, he’s taken
the easy option and opting out.

nestisflown · 18/09/2020 20:34

No way is this fine- he gets 4 nights a week child free uninterrupted sleep. Even in a week where you and the children are feeling well it’s not ok.

OP you don’t have to be cool with it even if he asks to go to the pub. It’s ok to tell him that no, on Friday, after a 4 night stretch away from home he needs to be back on time and he needs to put the kids to bed by himself. If he wants to go to the pub he can do that Monday - Thursday while you are looking after his children alone. But that Friday is YOUR night to break the monotony of sole parenting.

It’s not ok for him to go to the pub- not this Friday and not any Friday and you need to make that clear to him. I would also have a discussion with him about how the both of you spend your weekends to ensure that you’re getting some sort of break and respite from what is a tough week with a very young baby and young child.

Pebblexox · 18/09/2020 20:35

@SBTLove valid question there.
What hours is he working where he's gone from 4.30 - 8pm? Dh works from 6 and his finishing can be anything between 4 and 8pm depending on jobs/traffic etc and we've never once discussed him living nearer to his work, it hasn't even bern a thought in my brain that it would make life easier

Original poster
Wingingthis · 18/09/2020 20:35

He starts a 7 and finishes at 6.30, (on previous jobs this has been a lot longer hours, he’s a contracter) it can be a lot longer than an hours travel at rush hour hence he leaves so early in the morning but I guess I haven’t quite thought it through?? I did ask him to at least come home on a Wednesday so it was only 3 nights away

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 18/09/2020 20:39

So he has 4 nights away, can de brief in a Thursday. He chooses Friday, when you need him. Need respite and support. I’d be furious

022828MAN · 18/09/2020 20:39

So he'd have to leave at 6am and he'd be home for 1930? Tell him to do that, it's not that bad. He could do the kids bedtimes every night and you'd still get the rest of the evenings together? That's very doable!

Pebblexox · 18/09/2020 20:40

@Wingingthis I think this pub thing may be a good thing, as hopefully it can get you both talking about the logistics of this current situation. Him working away clearly isn't working for you and your family, you shouldn't be left to struggle if this job is a manageable commute. He can come home and help out in the evenings, even if the children are in bed there would be jobs around the house he can do.
You need to talk to him about this! The pub is the cherry on top of a sh*t living situation.

Original poster
Wingingthis · 18/09/2020 20:40

He says he’d have to leave at 4:30/5am otherwise the traffic is awful and he’d risk being late (I haven’t looked into this myself) he’d be back at 8 most nights unless bad traffic. I agree it’s doable!!

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 18/09/2020 20:42

Men can be selfish by nature... they only see What they do ‘but I worked all week till late’ . Leave him tomorrow overnighter with the kids so he actually gets that you can’t wee by yourself. honestly I’m mad on your behalf

LuckyAmy1986 · 18/09/2020 20:47

Personally I wouldn’t have been fine with it even if he’d called to tell me.