DH at pub without telling me

[Wingingthis]

Background - DH works away all week. Monday morning - Friday night. We have two daughters, 3 years old and 5 months old. I’m really REALLY struggling mentally and just in general coping atm and he most definitely knows this. To make things worth both the girls & myself are unwell this week, again he knows this.

He finishes at 6:30 and it’s a good hour at least home. I called him at 7:45 about something and he said hes “leaving soon” I asked if he’d worked late and he said no he was having a drink and “debrief” at the pub about the week. He works with his best mate so I’m not buying this. He’s left about 30 mins ago.
AIBU to be annoyed he didn’t even let me know???? I would and have always said of course see your friends, but I’m alone all week and the nights I get help/adult company are very important to me.

@Wingingthis
I smell bullshit here. Rush hour at 6am? He’s majorly taking the piss and getting an easy life.
He starts at 7, he can get up at 5 giving him 2 hours and be home 7.30pm, millions do it.

The moaning is strong in this one

YANBU. Irrespective of what you would have said, when you're struggling, it's a huge blow when OH is delayed for whatever reason compared to what you expected. It's not always logical but it's a relief when they get home, like the cavalry has arrived, and the disappointment when it's not when you expect is disproportionate. I've been there.

Sorry to be the voice of reason but I think YABU.
There seems to be this insane attitude that working all day is some kind of easy option.
The options of him leaving at at 6.00 am seems to be options thrown ouy and coming home after 8.00 still seen as an easy option. Sorry he will be as exhausted as you, probably more so. So he goes out for a few drinks / dont you think he deserves it.
The usual rabid posters wanting to hang him for having a few drinks after work, just want to destroy him, and dont care if they destroy you and your relationship with it.
What you need to do is sort out time for yourself to go out and unwind.
The weekend mornings where he takes the kids out.and you sleep in.
You need to work as a team and stop trying to make each others lives more miserable.

@Cheeseandwin5

As I’ve said above the thing that has annoyed me is that he didn’t even have the thought to let me know. If he’d have said I would have said of course go ahead It’s fine, but the fact he just didn’t turn up has annoyed me

I agree, he should have text if he was going to be late. It’s basic manners.

He says he’d have to leave at 4:30/5am otherwise the traffic is awful and he’d risk being late (I haven’t looked into this myself) he’d be back at 8 most nights unless bad traffic. I agree it’s doable!!

So he would have to be up at 4am disturbing the house getting back at 8 anyone doing these hours and driving needs6 1/2 hour sleep so he'd be in at at 8 have his tea in bed at 9.30 he would on have 30 minutes before going to bed .

@Cheeseandwin5

Sorry to be the voice of reason but I think YABU. There seems to be this insane attitude that working all day is some kind of easy option. The options of him leaving at at 6.00 am seems to be options thrown ouy and coming home after 8.00 still seen as an easy option. Sorry he will be as exhausted as you, probably more so. So he goes out for a few drinks / dont you think he deserves it. The usual rabid posters wanting to hang him for having a few drinks after work, just want to destroy him, and dont care if they destroy you and your relationship with it. What you need to do is sort out time for yourself to go out and unwind. The weekend mornings where he takes the kids out.and you sleep in. You need to work as a team and stop trying to make each others lives more miserable.

Except you’re not the voice of reason just because you nominate yourself to be.

Nobody in this thread has disputed him going for drinks or getting a break on Monday - Thursday. But this is a man with a 5 month old child who knows his wife has been home alone all week with sick children. His only weeknight where he has childcare responsibilities is not the one he should choose for drinks.

And I’ve done long hours - regularly did 9am-9pm (and much later) working in city law. I know I found that easier and less tiring than looking after 2 young children alone.

I think he needs to come home at least some nights in the week and be present. My dh works 4 on/ 4off. 12 hour shifts with 1.5 hour drive each way and he does it. Staying near where he works was never discussed. Where does your dh stay? Is it costing money?

The options of him leaving at at 6.00 am seems to be options thrown ouy and coming home after 8.00 still seen as an easy option.

But he doesn't. He stays away Mon - Thurs & finishes at 6:45. How does that compare to 24 hour care for two children, one that's only five months old? And he's somehow more exhausted than the OP? Yeah, right.

He’s a selfish fucker.
Let me guess, he brings his dirty washing home and expects you to do that along with the rest of the shitwork even at weekend.

No way is the traffic bad at 6am. He’s talking shite! How long has he been working away for?

He’s A fucking lazy selfish twat. Where is your break Op? Any redeeming features?

How is that manageable at all he would only be home for 8 hours at a time he needs to sleep eat and look after kids on a night so if he is lucky 4 to 5 hours sleep then driving is not great i do agree he was a twat about going to the pub and should have came straight home

Wow. I would absolutely not be ok with this, whether he told me or not. He has 4 nights to go to the pub. He knows you're struggling. Friday should be straight home to you. No excuses.

@QueenArseClangers wow this just struck me. Wish I could say this wasn’t true!!

Another one saying he has 4 nights he can go to the pub. He absolutely should be coming straight home in a Friday, you struggling or not.

I'm very relaxed about my dh going to the pub , but under these circumstances no way. It's horrible when you're literally on countdown just so you can get 10 minutes to yourself then to find out that it's not ten minutes and is probably going to be hours is not on. Please make sure you get a decent break this weekend.

He should have text you, especially knowing you're all ill that really isn't on.

The traffic would be bad at 6am? Where is this, central London?

Can you move closer to where he works?

Where on earth does he stay during the week OP?

This is an awful and strange set up given he works he works with his friend

He should’ve let you know, but he can debrief in the week. He should be with you on the weekend considering he’s away all week

There is no reason for him to live away during the week, I’ve worked those hours with a longer commute and I was home to see my daughter without fail.

I don’t consider this a relationship op. I’m sorry. For me you’re seperated. He isn’t coming back because he doesn’t wish to. You no longer live together. There is no point pretending because he visits at weekends that you are.