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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH at pub without telling me

96 replies

Wingingthis · 18/09/2020 20:11

Background - DH works away all week. Monday morning - Friday night. We have two daughters, 3 years old and 5 months old. I’m really REALLY struggling mentally and just in general coping atm and he most definitely knows this. To make things worth both the girls & myself are unwell this week, again he knows this.

He finishes at 6:30 and it’s a good hour at least home. I called him at 7:45 about something and he said hes “leaving soon” I asked if he’d worked late and he said no he was having a drink and “debrief” at the pub about the week. He works with his best mate so I’m not buying this. He’s left about 30 mins ago.
AIBU to be annoyed he didn’t even let me know???? I would and have always said of course see your friends, but I’m alone all week and the nights I get help/adult company are very important to me.

OP posts:

Feelingconfused2020 · 19/09/2020 00:39

am I the only one sick of women complaining their OH doesn’t “do enough” when they’re at work most of the week in order to PROVIDE for you and your kids confused honestly get a grip

Yep, you do realise that we are all capable of providing for ourselves as it's not the 1920s you fucking dinosaur! She is on maternity leave. She probably brings home money too but he fucks off on Monday morning and comes home from the pub late on Friday and she's struggling with her mental health and you actually think he has a leg to stand on?

Feelingconfused2020 · 19/09/2020 00:45

@PrincessFlorretta

I suspect you are male. If you are a woman you need to give your head a wobble. Do you have any idea what kind of mental effort is involved in rearing young children? The physical effort, the emotional effort, the relentlessness of it, the loneliness, and all the while being expected to keep the house nicely and cook amazing meals while seeing your pension reduce and your employability and earning potential decline while your belly and your wrinkles increase exponentially. It does not compare to going to work 9-5. You can't claim it does because the vast majority of women who have kids have done both and can vouch for the fact the having kids is tougher.

So he's not "providing" as much as "escaping"in my opinion.

Op can I ask why, if he only works an hour away, be doesn't come home very night?

NameXForThis · 19/09/2020 01:29

Surely if he worked closer and returned home every night, the amount of money saved on accommodation/living expenses whilst away would cancel out any difference in take home pay amount?

I’ve worded that badly, my brain isn’t working properly at present. I meant to say - if he works closer or takes a lower paying job so he isn’t away Mon - Fri, wouldn’t the difference in take home money be minimal as you wouldn’t be paying for accommodation and away expenses? And he would be home to actually parent with you during the week (and not have to spend the weekend “recovering” from working so hard.....).

FinallyFluid · 19/09/2020 01:39

I smell a huge OW rat, sorry but I do.

eveningfalls · 19/09/2020 02:09

Not on at all OP. Those hours are completely achievable within the scope of coming home every night. And if he thinks not... with a young family and your stress, then he needs to find hours that are. Where is he staying and what is he paying for food/accommodations? Makes no sense, he is not fully involved in this life with you unless he is a soldier or works on an oil rig etc. etc.

PrincessFlorretta · 19/09/2020 08:40

[quote Cloudtraffic]@PrincessFlorretta

am I the only one sick of women complaining their OH doesn’t “do enough” when they’re at work most of the week in order to PROVIDE for you and your kids confused honestly get a grip

Oh do fuck off and then fuck off some more - you absolute shower of misogynistic wank[/quote]
Expressing an opinion different to you doesn’t make me misogynistic you fool. Just like a few others have expressed on this thread, if my OH had been working all week and it wasn’t a regular occurrence, I wouldn’t be making a fuss about it.

JalapenoDave · 19/09/2020 08:45

I think you need to cut him some slack OP. But he really should have at least text or called you, to tell you he would be late home, out of courtesy at least but especially due to your mental state at the moment. Men can be so bloody inconsiderate. Hope you get better soon OP

Flittingaboutagain · 19/09/2020 10:06

He had 4 nights to have a pint after work. He chose the 5th one when it was family time. When they were poorly.

You are a single parent OP.

Barrowmanfan22 · 19/09/2020 11:12

OP, I do honestly mean this kindly , but I think him going to the pub is the least of your worries.

Not coming home all week when he works an hour away ? Never heard anything like it.
What is your relationship like on the weekends when he is there ?

Eryouwhat · 19/09/2020 11:46

I’ve never heard of a work set up like this, op, what’s going on?!

XiCi · 19/09/2020 11:50

Not coming home all week when he works an hour away ? Never heard anything like it

Exactly this. And he wouldnt have to leave at 4am to avoid rush hour that's bullshit. I would be thinking he had a second relationship there tbh especially with the pub bullshit he came up with. He is hardly spending any time with you at all!

Nottherealslimshady · 19/09/2020 11:53

I think he's been ever so selfish. He has 4 nights all to himself and chose friday to go to the pub and leave you, unwell, even longer on your own with your unwell kids. What a charmer.

LagunaBubbles · 19/09/2020 11:55

Only an hour and he stays away??

Newfornow · 19/09/2020 11:56

No no no. He is only an hour away. Those work times are BS. No one works those hours

Newfornow · 19/09/2020 11:57

He should have had his debrief in work time anyway.
He doesn’t care that you are struggling.
He is selfish.

LouHotel · 19/09/2020 12:04

I'd be smelling his clothes when he walked through the door and checking receipts.

I cant believe it's an hours commute and he staying out. Where exactly is he staying? If he's a contractor and doesn't have this covered my a company this must be costing an absolute fortune. Do you have access to bank accounts OP?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 19/09/2020 12:18

An hours commute is nothing. Sounds very dodgy to me and I wouldn’t be at all happy. He has 4 other nights if the week to de stress, bullocks does he need to do this on a Friday night. And he shouldn’t want to, he should want to get back to his family.

Providing for his family? When did we go back to the 1950’s?

user1487194234 · 19/09/2020 12:21

It wouldn't have bothered me but if you are upset about it then speak to your DH and agree what you want to happen in future

user27378 · 19/09/2020 12:23

I don't believe he works hours that long tbh. Who's paying for his hotel life? Your kids aren't school age yet, when mine were that young and DH came home late we had the kids on a later dinner and bedtime routine so he could help and because he wanted to see them as much as possible. This is easy to manage when they don't have to be up for school.

When he has to work somewhere where the rush hour traffic is bad he takes the train instead. I just don't see how this set up can continue for you, you need more support. At least if you split up you'd have the weekend to yourself to recover and have some time to yourself. Right now you have the worst of single parenting and a relationship and it sounds like you are really struggling, understandably.

wineandroses1 · 19/09/2020 13:09

One hour commute? Bloody hell Op wtf is he doing? An hour’s commute is nothing, I barely know anyone with a shorter commute. I spent years commuting, leaving home at 5am and getting home at 7pm. I rarely stayed over because I wanted to get home to my family.

Your twat of a DH is living the life of Riley and wasting money on accommodation and piss-ups. And shows bugger all interest in his family.

Frankly I’d be telling him to stay where he is and not bother coming home at all.

QueenArseClangers · 19/09/2020 21:25

Have you ever actually seen where he stays? It really is fishy as fuck.
Sending you strength and best wishes

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