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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I controlling

83 replies

Happymummy8888 · 18/09/2020 10:10

My marriage ended when my exh had an affair and told me it was because I was controlling.

I have met someone else and we have three kids. He is saying that I am controlling too and I am honestly at a loss of what I am doing wrong.

This is today's example DD hockey match has been changed from sat morning to tonight...I found out last night and I have a nail appt (that if I cancel then I have to pay 50% for less than 24hr notice). DP starts work for a night shift at the exact time the match is starting. He is 'off' today so has keep our youngest two (under one). I spoke to my mum and she agreed to take the babies at 2pm so DP could get some rest before work. I told him this this was fine. But because of the match changing I need someone to watch them from 6-7 so my niece will call to watch them in our house (I will pick up after nails as drop her and kids to my house) I just asked him if he could throw in a pasta bake for me and the kids coming back from the match which will be after 7 and he has flipped. I'm too controlling how dare I change the plans even though when I said I wouldn't bring DD to match as too late notice he said that wasn't fair.

It's things like this he says is controlling but I wouldn't care if he was juggling this and asked me to throw on a pre made dinner to heat

OP posts:

Sanitisethat · 18/09/2020 10:13

No, in this instance you have not been controlling and he was being a knob.

Merryoldgoat · 18/09/2020 10:16

That example is not at all controlling - it’s making the best of an annoying change in arrangements.

elenacampana · 18/09/2020 10:17

That example isn’t controlling but it’s a very small part of a bigger picture.

Merryoldgoat · 18/09/2020 10:18

Do you have other examples?

Lockdownseperation · 18/09/2020 10:19

Sounds like you need to have a serious chat when you are both calm to find out why he thinks you are controlling.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 18/09/2020 10:21

Impossible to say - of course in the way you tell that story you do not come across as controlling, but there is also no attempt made to see this example from his point of view, also tone and context are important too... so can’t tell from what you’ve said

FunorFitness · 18/09/2020 10:21

That doesn't sound controlling to me, it sounds like you are juggling the demands of a family. what other examples has he given of your controlling behaviour?

Nanny0gg · 18/09/2020 10:22

That's just you organising the time to suit everyone as best you can.

How would he have sorted it?

plunkplunkfizz · 18/09/2020 10:22

Does he know you’ve been called controlling in the past? If so, he is maybe projecting that on to your current behaviour inadvertently or is using it purposely to hurt you.

Or you might be giving us a very selective snapshot of your life together and you are controlling in other respects.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 18/09/2020 10:28

Doesn’t sound controlling at all!

You’re juggling a lot, and seem to be coping magnificently. Why would a request to throw in a pasta bake (I’m taking it a ready made one from how you’ve put it) be controlling? It’s a request.

You don’t even sound bossy, which is different to controlling. Controlling is more when you manipulate people into doing what you want by limiting their options, lying, sulking, stopping their access to money, last minute changes on mind when you’ve relied on something etc

In many cases it turns out the person who throws around accusations of controlling is the controlling one, as this is one form of manipulation.

Original poster

Happymummy8888 · 18/09/2020 10:30

Yes he know I was called controlling. He thinks I am controlling him because I don't think he should play his hobby on both his days off a week...I am controlling because I don't like shoes being worn in doors (babies are at crawling putting everything in mouth stage) he thinks I'm controlling because I don't want a dog (I have eczema and asthma causes them to flare up). He says I am controlling because I ask him not to wash my clothes as he always always ends up shrinking them
When he does

OP posts:

PlateTectonics · 18/09/2020 10:31

Huh? He called you controlling because you asked him to cook a pasta bake? Have I missed something?

PlateTectonics · 18/09/2020 10:32

Cross posted.

The example in your OP doesn't seem to be the main issue here. Is it more that you don't have anything in common and seem to disagree on a lot of things?

Flittingaboutagain · 18/09/2020 10:38

Obviously this is all conjecture from your OP, but to me I think he is using your past against you, in so much as "you're being controlling" is a shorthand, quick fire retort when in this case he didn't like the demands of family life, and/or maybe has little skill in healthy disagreements or conflict. Instead of talking about why he isn't happy with the proposals, he just wants you to shut up and do things his way it seems.

Could you have a chat about this relationship theme of not being able to disagree well together when things are good between you?

Nottherealslimshady · 18/09/2020 10:39

I'm not quite understanding. Is it that you decided instead of him having a nap before work you wanted him to cook dinner ready for you so you could get your nails done?

The other things, it sounds like a lot of instances of no compromise. Maybe you are controlling, we can't really know, we only have your side tbh. Maybe he just doesn't like living with another person and feels restricted.

MegaClutterSlut · 18/09/2020 10:40

Your dp is being a lazy dick and using your past against you imo

ChaChaCha2012 · 18/09/2020 10:42

Control is a cumulative effect, it's rarely a one off. So if you're regularly saying "Don't do that... Do that..." without discussion or compromise, then that can be controlling.

Shoxfordian · 18/09/2020 10:44

Not controlling at all
He should have offered really

thepeopleversuswork · 18/09/2020 10:47

@Flittingaboutagain

Could you have a chat about this relationship theme of not being able to disagree well together when things are good between you?

This.

What you've posted doesn't sound controlling in the slightest. It sounds like you are trying to juggle various things in a way to suit your family and asking him to pull his weight which is entirely reasonable.

I don't want to jump to conclusions here but I think abusive men often talk about women being "controlling" as a shorthand for meaning being assertive and expecting men to play an active role in family life. My ex used to do this when I asked him to be involved in childcare and domestic planning basically because he resented the incursion into pub and TV time.

Unless there's a drip feed and there is other behaviour you haven't mentioned I would see that as a red flag that he's trying to use what you've said about your previous marriage against you.

Original poster

Happymummy8888 · 18/09/2020 10:47

I'm tired juggling everything and he will say 'just tell me what you need me to do' then when I do I get him with controlling- just can't win these days.

OP posts:

TheDuchessofMalfy · 18/09/2020 10:51

You really don’t sound controlling.

I’d say it was controlling of him to book in his hobby both days off, as it leaves you as default childcarer with no choice in the matter or reasonable discussion. trying to insist you get a dog when you have allergies is controlling to - if he won’t leave it be at your reasons for saying no - obviously not just wanting the dog.

Shoes thing perhaps you’re a tiny bit unreasonable, because many households don’t have a shoes off rule, but that said it depends who cleans the floors. If it’s you, you get to say.

The clothes in the dryer is just really annoying of him!

Interesting he knows you were called this before, and suggests again he wants to manipulate you by pushing your buttons. My ex husband was EA and controlling (manipulative) and he picked up on the fact id been considered messy in my student house when younger. He made this the absolute stick to beat me with - you’re messy, everyone says youre messy, we live in filth, you never do any housework...

Let’s just say, a comparison between our houses now we are divorced will show who lives in filth and who doesn’t!

Lolapusht · 18/09/2020 10:54

Taking a massive leap here, it could be that you’re attracted to a certain type of man. The things that you’ve listed are just life that you discuss and arrange between you. You’re actually asking him to not do things! Don’t wear shoes inside because you’ve got a crawling baby, that’s just common sense. Don’t wash clothes, either learn how to do it (it’s really not difficult! If you’ve had the conversation a couple of times and he’s still doing it then he’s choosing to be shit) or just don’t wash them. You have a medical condition that would be exacerbated by getting a dog, people with animal allergies don’t get those animals because they don’t want to make themselves ill!

Calling you controlling could well be them projecting. The change in arrangements because of hockey is just part of life. I’d be really grateful that my DH had organised everything and all I had to do was chuck something in the oven. Does he like things done in a particular way? Does he sulk if he doesn’t get his way? Does he lose his temper?

TenDays · 18/09/2020 10:54

Did you let slip that the ex called you controlling? If so, DP might just be throwing that at you in temper.

My ex called me controlling too, and had the kids believing it, because he'd let them get away with anything and I wouldn't.

MuthaFunka61 · 18/09/2020 11:03

I agree with @lolapusht and came on to say pretty much the same thing

LemmysAceCard · 18/09/2020 11:05

You dont sound controlling to me OP just someone trying to juggle family life.

Next time he tells you that you are controlling tell him that you have to be as he is fucking useless.

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