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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I controlling

83 replies

Happymummy8888 · 18/09/2020 10:10

My marriage ended when my exh had an affair and told me it was because I was controlling.

I have met someone else and we have three kids. He is saying that I am controlling too and I am honestly at a loss of what I am doing wrong.

This is today's example DD hockey match has been changed from sat morning to tonight...I found out last night and I have a nail appt (that if I cancel then I have to pay 50% for less than 24hr notice). DP starts work for a night shift at the exact time the match is starting. He is 'off' today so has keep our youngest two (under one). I spoke to my mum and she agreed to take the babies at 2pm so DP could get some rest before work. I told him this this was fine. But because of the match changing I need someone to watch them from 6-7 so my niece will call to watch them in our house (I will pick up after nails as drop her and kids to my house) I just asked him if he could throw in a pasta bake for me and the kids coming back from the match which will be after 7 and he has flipped. I'm too controlling how dare I change the plans even though when I said I wouldn't bring DD to match as too late notice he said that wasn't fair.

It's things like this he says is controlling but I wouldn't care if he was juggling this and asked me to throw on a pre made dinner to heat

OP posts:
FatCatThinCat · 18/09/2020 11:06

In my experience men use 'you're controlling' to try and excuse their shitty behaviour. My exh told people I was controlling because I prevented him spending time with his friends. Which is true, sort of. I wouldn't give him the rent money to piss away down the pub, buying pints for any other pisshead who happened to be there (his 'mates').

Jeezoh · 18/09/2020 11:07

It’s hard to tell from your OP but the additional details imply he’s generally unreasonable.

For me, based on your OP, it sounds like you presented him with a fait accompli about a complicated arrangement involving him rather than discussing it together about how you could juggle things - could that be what he’s objecting to? Of course, it could just be he’s using the term to score points as he knows it’s something used against you in the past.

tenredthings · 18/09/2020 11:07

It sounds like you are in control of family life and all it's logistical challenges and thank goodness for all the family that you are. I'd turn it around and celebrate his 'control' jibes ' as proof of your ability to juggle everyone's needs.

His judgements sound like an excuse for his refusal to engage in necessary arrangements.

daisyjgrey · 18/09/2020 11:26

"Just tell me what you need me to do" drives me crackers.

You can SEE what needs doing with your EYES and you can figure out what needs doing with your BRAIN. Dishwasher full and clean? Empty it. Washing dry? Bring it in. Is it getting towards tea time and nobody is in the kitchen? Feed the kids. It's not b bloody difficult is it.

Also, you don't seem controlling, you seem to be managing a house where the other adult is a pain in the arse.

knittingaddict · 18/09/2020 11:44

An ex relative was controlling, so I think I can spot that behaviour fairly well. Not one of your examples were controlling. It sounds more that he resents you having a perfectly valid opinion and making decisions for very good reasons.

If anything I would say that he sounds potentially abusive, but only you know if his undermining of you is frequent or this is a one off.

BarbaraofSeville · 18/09/2020 11:49

He thinks you're controlling because you're asking him to feed and look after his own children?

How much mental gymnastics does he put in to make sure the DCs are appropriately supervised, fed and go to their activities, plus everything else in the household that needs to happen actually does?

Original poster
Happymummy8888 · 18/09/2020 12:05

I don't understand why he's annoyed I rang him and I still don't understand he said now it's because I make plans and don't discuss it with him. But last night when I tried to talk to him he said 'text me Tomo about it as I'll just forget' so that's what I don't and I'm the worst person ever. He denies he said this though as usual

OP posts:
SpaceOP · 18/09/2020 12:10

Shoes in house - if he thinks shoes in house is fine and you've decided it's a rule and everyone has to abide by it (rather than a rule you agree to together) I can sort of see how he might see this as controlling.

Washing your clothes - hell no. A better solution would be for him not to ruin your clothes when he washes them in the first place.

Him playing on his day off - is he playing his hobby instead of doing childcare/spending time with his family/ getting important tasks that need doing for the house (he's a dick) or is it while kids are at school/nursery and you think he should be doing something more edifying (you're controlling).

SpaceOP · 18/09/2020 12:10

Oh, and the pasta bake in the oven is not controlling - it's asking him to take 2 minutes to do something that will help the whole family.

Original poster
Happymummy8888 · 18/09/2020 12:22

He plays on his days off which then results in having to ask family to mind the kids (if I'm working) I don't mind him playing one day when I'm off but the other day when we need another childcare or we can't have any family times I get annoyed (not throwing things Or shouting annoyed just will say no that's not fair convo but app I'm a bitch then)

While we work we are very lucky our parents are our childcare but they are older and it's two babies so I feel when we are off we shouldnt use them

OP posts:
morefun · 18/09/2020 12:30

Your examples don't sound controlling OP. Could it be in the way it comes across? My ex was controlling, but really the right word might have been domineering. The way he would ask things would sound like an order, and he would be adamant that he was right, and never apologise either. Not saying you are like that, I don't know you. Do you order him around a bit? Do you tend to be in charge?

PlateTectonics · 18/09/2020 13:08

Playing sport while you're working so that you have to ask your parents to look after the kids is rubbish behaviour. And then blaming you for it! He sounds like an arse OP.

morefun · 18/09/2020 13:58

Agree about the sport!

SpaceOP · 18/09/2020 14:19

The sport (golf?) is a huge red flag to me and I'd be seriously unable to be in a relationship with someone like this.

Macncheeseballs · 18/09/2020 14:24

If you're clashing over some of your rules maybe find a way to compromise. I would be annoyed if my partner dictated my choice of footwear in the house

Goosefoot · 18/09/2020 14:28

I don't think this is a controlling example, but often people will start to see the same behaviour in fairly normal interactions if it is something that is already bothering them.

As far as your other examples - how interactions go matters a lot more than the exact content. If a partner feels you are always complaining about how they do things, you are picky when they try and help out, you point out errors even when they already know they are errors, there is no slack about anything, they will typically feel you are controlling, or a nag, or just a pain in the ass.

I have this issue somewhat with my husband, particularly around things he wants done a certain way. He has an annoying tendency to assume his way is best and in fact the only way, so he tends to become a bit naggy when things aren't done that way. I try and take his comfort levels into account, but sometimes I've just been lazy which I think is not always the end of the world, other times I disagree with his viewpoint, and sometimes I've done something in error and I am well aware that its a mistake, because it is obvious, and someone nagging me about what I am grown up enough to see for myself pisses me off.

We've managed to work this out mostly over the years. But from my husband's POV, he is being entirely reasonable and practical, whereas I think he tends to be a bit "my way is the only way". It's easy to fall into that perspective I think, if you are a very practical person with a bit of a black and white mindset.

GhostCurry · 18/09/2020 14:29

Why is it on you to arrange childcare when he is off playing sport? I would leave that to him, and make clear to your parents that you disagree with him using them as childcare in that instance, and that they are of course under no obligation to agree to his requests. You don’t need to be in the middle of every interaction.

LannieDuck · 18/09/2020 15:19

It sounds like you're too much of a default parent and he doesn't see it as his responsibility.

When he's working and you're not, childcare should default to him. If he wants to play sport, he needs to arrange childcare (not you).

Motoko · 18/09/2020 15:25

You know when he shrinks your clothes, he's doing it deliberately, don't you? That's why he's ignored your request not to wash them. He's punishing you.

Abusers always accuse their partners of being controlling, usually when they've been asked to pull their weight with the housework or childcare, because it stops them from doing what they want (like your partner wanting to do his hobby). Eventually, their partner will stop asking them to do anything, because partner starts wondering if she really is being controlling, just like you have here.

This is not a good relationship. I suggest you do the Freedom Programme to see what a good relationship looks like, and have a long hard think about what you get from this relationship, and whether it's time to end it.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/09/2020 15:30

@Happymummy8888

Yes he know I was called controlling. He thinks I am controlling him because I don't think he should play his hobby on both his days off a week...I am controlling because I don't like shoes being worn in doors (babies are at crawling putting everything in mouth stage) he thinks I'm controlling because I don't want a dog (I have eczema and asthma causes them to flare up). He says I am controlling because I ask him not to wash my clothes as he always always ends up shrinking them When he does
So do you think maybe he's using that particular word to make you paranoid or hurt you because he knows your ex said that was why he had an affair? that's a very cruel thing to do. None of your examples sound controlling to me
Blanca87 · 18/09/2020 15:35

Sounds like you have moved from one arsehole to another, love. He is selfish and entitled and using your cunty, exh words against you for his own gain.

Happynow001 · 18/09/2020 16:24

@Blanca87

Sounds like you have moved from one arsehole to another, love. He is selfish and entitled and using your cunty, exh words against you for his own gain.

Yep - this!

He is an utter prat as well as unsupportive to his family. Instead of being grateful for you spinning all these plates and carrying the bulk of the mental load he's being a selfish, CONTROLLING prat, using the words of your Ex against you.

What a guy.

🌹 for you, OP, plus a huge hug because, my goodness, you need it.

BananaHammock23 · 18/09/2020 16:56

You're not controlling OP. It sounds to me like he's using something that obviously hurts from your past and using it to try and get to you, which is cruel.

Original poster
Happymummy8888 · 18/09/2020 23:49

Sorry such a busy evening. Everything people have said makes a little sense. I probably do come across as bossy but I honestly feel like I'm juggling everything and I work full time too. I hate asking for help as I know he does resent it a little.

If I'm honest I feel extremely unlikeable a lot of the faults he finds with me are very similar to the ones my exh hated about me. I have tried to change but it's never enough. I am just so tired and today really drained me as he has been v quiet with me so I know he's still pissed from this morning.

OP posts:
lifestooshort123 · 19/09/2020 06:05

The other examples you give could come over as bossy though - it's how you say something not the content that can irritate. I wouldn't waste time asking if he's right about you or not, you are who you are and he either wants in or out. Only ever change because you want to and not to please him.