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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I controlling

83 replies

Happymummy8888 · 18/09/2020 10:10

My marriage ended when my exh had an affair and told me it was because I was controlling.

I have met someone else and we have three kids. He is saying that I am controlling too and I am honestly at a loss of what I am doing wrong.

This is today's example DD hockey match has been changed from sat morning to tonight...I found out last night and I have a nail appt (that if I cancel then I have to pay 50% for less than 24hr notice). DP starts work for a night shift at the exact time the match is starting. He is 'off' today so has keep our youngest two (under one). I spoke to my mum and she agreed to take the babies at 2pm so DP could get some rest before work. I told him this this was fine. But because of the match changing I need someone to watch them from 6-7 so my niece will call to watch them in our house (I will pick up after nails as drop her and kids to my house) I just asked him if he could throw in a pasta bake for me and the kids coming back from the match which will be after 7 and he has flipped. I'm too controlling how dare I change the plans even though when I said I wouldn't bring DD to match as too late notice he said that wasn't fair.

It's things like this he says is controlling but I wouldn't care if he was juggling this and asked me to throw on a pre made dinner to heat

OP posts:
steff13 · 19/09/2020 06:18

I don't think you sound controlling. And I don't understand how you "found out" you had a nail appointment. Are you not the one who made the appointment?

PinkSparkleUnicorns · 19/09/2020 06:28

You're not being unreasonably controlling, your DP is taking the piss.

Men really are scum. He can't live up to his responsibilities as a dad and is using age old 'controlling women' excuse to get away with it. Gaslighting you to make you feel that you're the problem.

I work, organise the house renovation, sort everything out for the kids (make sure they have school uniforms that fit, sort the world book day and other outfits, medical appointments), sort arrangements for our DD special needs therapy. .... list goes on forever

Yes I am controlling. But I have to be. If my DH went out for a jolly hobby at the weekends I'd loose it. How dare he get time off for jolly's when I have the weight of everything to carry? I am literally at breaking point, so I don't feel guilty at all saying no he can't go out Saturday evenings for poker nights or whatever (he wouldn't get home till late Sunday). He is disappointed but understands and doesn't go.

FippertyGibbett · 19/09/2020 06:55

@Happymummy8888

Yes he know I was called controlling. He thinks I am controlling him because I don't think he should play his hobby on both his days off a week...I am controlling because I don't like shoes being worn in doors (babies are at crawling putting everything in mouth stage) he thinks I'm controlling because I don't want a dog (I have eczema and asthma causes them to flare up). He says I am controlling because I ask him not to wash my clothes as he always always ends up shrinking them When he does
You are not controlling, you are simply running a house and family. And if my DH wanted to do his hobby on both days off he would be living elsewhere. He needs to do his bit of family life too.
Original poster
Happymummy8888 · 19/09/2020 07:32

I found out dd had a match On fri night not my nail appt I knew about that.

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 19/09/2020 07:33

Another one who's ex partially justified his affair by saying I was always telling him what to do, when in reality it was me just trying to keep the plates spinning (half of those plates he didn't even know existed). OP, rather than address this piecemeal, as an issue arises, can you find a quiet time and say,' I'd like to talk about how we manage things so that we both can make decisions about xyz get done. You've said to just tell you, but when I do you say I'm controlling so this isn't working. How would YOU like to fix it'

Sometimeswinning · 19/09/2020 07:49

I'm very controlling. I organise everything to make sure everything is covered and sorted. My dh loves it. He'll spring something on me and know I'll sort it. He'll then sit back until I tell him the part he plays and he'll do it. It works for us, it doesn't sound like it works for you as a couple. The day my dh throws it in my face I will then step back and tell him he can sort it. Ask him how he thinks it should be done. If he says you need to cancel your appointment to accommodate his need not to pop something in the oven then you will know it's not you being controlling but him looking after him.

LadyMinerva · 19/09/2020 08:05

If you have confided in him that your exH said that you are controlling then your H is using that as his ammunition to clear himself for being an absolute useless dick.

You are NOT controlling. You are keeping everything organised and it's not easy.

Your H is shirking any responsibility and is gaslighting you.

You are amazing.

RaspberrySkies · 19/09/2020 08:13

He IBU.

LannieDuck · 19/09/2020 09:06

I honestly feel like I'm juggling everything and I work full time too. I hate asking for help as I know he does resent it a little.

You shouldn't have to 'ask for help'. He should already be doing half of it.

So what if he resents doing his share? I'm sure you don't do the housework because you enjoy it.

Original poster
Happymummy8888 · 19/09/2020 09:48

He came home from work this morning and I tried to speak to him but he was quite blasé about it. When I said to him 'but you told me to text you what to do' as you were too tired to discuss it he then said 'my friends don't do as much as me I work night shift then get up and pick the kids up from school and grandparents and help on my days off'. Now he works three night shifts a week he picks the kids up on his last night shift because he doesn't like to sleep late as it throws his sleep off for that day. He said it helps me as I don't have to go pick them up after work (I also work full time although I am mon to Friday 9-4). Every day I do the school run before work etc as he leaves first. I am quite strong willed and argumentative in cases like this with him because I don't see how what he is doing is special to me it's what a parent does. I juggle work and kids five days a week he juggles work and kids one day as his other working days I sort everything.

OP posts:
FingersCrossedForAllOfUs · 19/09/2020 10:03

Exactly OP, what he is doing is what a parent should do. He needs to stop comparing himself to other men who probably do fuck all which is wrong any way. It sounds like he calls you controlling as a get out clause when he doesn’t want to do something.

LannieDuck · 19/09/2020 11:01

and help on my days off

Presumably he thinks you should 'help' on your days off? So why shouldn't he?

You drop off the kids at school, he picks them up. (Although I'm not clear if he does it 5 days a week?)

He's not doing any more than you are... so what does he want a gold star for?

Original poster
Happymummy8888 · 19/09/2020 11:31

No he does it on his days off which could be one day or three days max

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/09/2020 13:24

@Happymummy8888

Sorry such a busy evening. Everything people have said makes a little sense. I probably do come across as bossy but I honestly feel like I'm juggling everything and I work full time too. I hate asking for help as I know he does resent it a little.

If I'm honest I feel extremely unlikeable a lot of the faults he finds with me are very similar to the ones my exh hated about me. I have tried to change but it's never enough. I am just so tired and today really drained me as he has been v quiet with me so I know he's still pissed from this morning.

I think you need to stop dancing to other peoples' tunes.

I doubt there's anything 'controlling' about you.

I think he gaslights you and he likes keeping you on the backfoot.

Start trying to think what's good about him or this relationship. I bet it's a short list.

Original poster
Happymummy8888 · 19/09/2020 23:46

Looked at his phone tonight and he has unblocked his ex off Facebook when I confronted him he threw me down on the sofa held my face down and told me I had made it up. I have no where to go with my three kids I can't believe I have met another man like this

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 19/09/2020 23:53

He just assaulted you. Can you phone the police?

beachbodhi · 20/09/2020 00:00

@Happymummy8888 holy shit ! I just read the thread and got to the end . Yes that's assault , you don't need to find somewhere to go he does ! I know calling the police is scary but he's scary and has crossed the line. Sending ❤️

Flittingaboutagain · 20/09/2020 07:44

Call the police OP.

I'm so sorry but this is over. Get him out.

FippertyGibbett · 20/09/2020 07:48

Please ring the police so that you and your kids are safe.
Get advice from them moving forward.
And please ask your family for help.

Original poster
Happymummy8888 · 20/09/2020 07:56

Thanks for the replies I am ok and the kids are ok I don't have anywhere to go too he is still sleeping when he wakes I am going to ask him to leave if not I'm going to ring and speak to his mum and get her up. I am very confused as to how everything has escalated in this way. Don't understand that when men fall out of love they can't just say that instead of all these mind games

OP posts:
Bikinib0tt0m · 20/09/2020 07:57

He's calling you controlling because of his bad behaviour. He didn't listen and told you to text him and denies it then when you try to organise things because it takes a small effort on his part, he calls you controlling. I would talk this out with him properly at some point and try to resolve this issue as it's not nice to be called controlling when the examples you have given are not controlling.

Bikinib0tt0m · 20/09/2020 08:00

Sorry op I just read your update. A gas lighting bully, make him leave and call the police if he doesn't. Call maybe a family member or close friend for support incase things get nasty when he wakes up.

FippertyGibbett · 20/09/2020 08:01

If you are going to divorce then having contacted the police and documented his domestic violence will be in your interest.
If you have family you need to tell them, his mum may disappoint you and side with her son.
You need someone your side.

Flittingaboutagain · 20/09/2020 08:02

You don't need to leave. He may assault you when you ask him to go. Be ready to call the police.

MomToTwoBabas · 20/09/2020 08:17

Oh gosh it's not you its all him. Get rid and stay safe.