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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call the nursery

143 replies

mylittlesandwich · 17/09/2020 09:40

DS is 9 months and has been going to nursery 2 days a week for about a month now. They have a parent cam which you can use to have a wee look and see how they're doing. I try not to spend too much time on it because they seemed nice and I trusted them. DH dropped him off this morning because I started work early so I signed in to have a wee look. He's been sat on his own for half an hour.
There's somewhere between 10 and 15 children with 4 adults. The adults are all surrounded by small groups of children doing various activities. DS is on his own, sat on the floor with no toys. He's playing with the zip on his hoodie. The only interaction he's had in the 30 mins I've watched is when someone took a plastic apron away from him that he'd got a hold of. He's not mobile yet so he can't go and get anything for himself. I'm really upset watching it. Is this normal for nursery or should I give them a call, I don't want to be difficult but I also want DS to enjoy his time at nursery.

OP posts:

jackfruitz · 17/09/2020 11:10

I’m awfully sorry to hear this but your experience is very similar to mine. We’ve done four weeks is settling in sessions and to be honest I didn’t have a good feel of the place or the key worker but put it down to first time mum nerves and just being precious. My daughter didn’t settle at all and would cry the entire time (she was sobbing and shaking when I picked her up) but the final straw was when we saw a 14 month old lying on the lawn curled up in a ball just babbling to herself. She was there for about 20 minutes and none of the staff checked on her to see if she was okay. I would not be happy if that was my daughter and we chose to take her out. I’m not bashing all nurseries as I know there are some lovely ones out there (our first choice being one but they have no spaces and we’ve been on the waiting list for over a year!) I hope you manage to find a solution.

oakleaffy · 17/09/2020 11:20

That is bloody heartbreaking.
Poor lad.

He needs to be nurtured at that young age, not left alone to fiddle with the zip on his hoodie...
He is so very young to be in a setup like that.
He needs a nice one to one Nanny...

TheDuchessofMalfy · 17/09/2020 11:22

You’ve done the right thing by phoning OP but please don’t now beat yourself up or feel bad. And don’t listen to posters going over the top about it!

OverTheRainbow88 · 17/09/2020 11:23

@oakleaffy

Oh please, get a drip.

Babies don’t need entertainment 100% of the time and OP said he wasn’t upset.

oakleaffy · 17/09/2020 11:28

@jackfruitz

@jackfruitz.. Please listen to your gut feeling...

I was made to go to a day nursery after Mum died {aged 2}...and it was a brutal place.

I screamed blue murder every time I recognised the route..The children were punished for not eating, had mouths levered open by spoons, and little children slipped down lavatories they were sat on by the staff.

Mercifully I was taken away, and speaking about it to a family member, she said ''I knew that woman was a bad 'un, but your dad had to work, and so did I''

I was placed in one with a very lovely young woman, and I remember her as being suffused by sunlight.... Miss Burford.
The other woman had arms like a wrestlers, and mean eyes..and an empty smile for the droppers off.

vanillandhoney · 17/09/2020 11:29

Oh, bless you!

It sounds like the nursery have listened and taken your concerns on board, which is good. I also think it's easy for well-behaved, placid children to get overlooked in busy environments, which I suspect is what happened here.

Hopefully it was just a one-off and it doesn't happen again.

INeedNewShoes · 17/09/2020 11:32

I cannot stand it when MNetters say 'poor child' or equivalent. It is just loaded with judgement of the parent.

It must be fabulous being in the perfect parent brigade where you have the resources to employ Mary Poppins to be your darling child's 1-2-1 nanny, or you have the option to be a SAHM.

Actually, I take some of that back; Mary Poppins was downright irresponsible in some of her childcare activities.

Hardbackwriter · 17/09/2020 11:35

He needs a nice one to one Nanny...

Are you offering to pay for one for OP?

I think you've done the right thing, OP, and hopefully it'll make them more mindful of how easily a quiet child who isn't making a fuss can be overlooked. Is he the youngest? I do think that's always a tricky dynamic - I suspected the same sometimes with our childminder, even though she only had three of them - it's so hard for the attention not to be taken by the older children, who can demand it much more effectively. I'd definitely keep monitoring it - not obsessively, but checking in.

I would say, though, that for all the horror on this thread I suspect a lot of 9 month olds who are at home - including in the homes of the sort of mothers who have declared that they could never do something so awful as use childcare for a 9 month old - have been left to get on with it for half an hour if they're content enough and happy watching what's going on, especially any with toddler siblings.

Pearsapiece · 17/09/2020 11:36

This made me so sad I nearly cried, bless him. And bless you. Its so hard to make the decision to leave your children in the care of others without the added stress of things like this. Give him a big cuddle at pick up

oakleaffy · 17/09/2020 11:37

[quote OverTheRainbow88]@oakleaffy

Oh please, get a drip.

Babies don’t need entertainment 100% of the time and OP said he wasn’t upset.[/quote]
Babies need love and care.
Early years are the foundation for life.
A lovely, stable upbringing is the best gift any child can have.

8 months is far too young too be in such an environment. Kids pay the price for a less than nurturing place.

jackfruitz · 17/09/2020 11:38

@oakleaffy Thank you! I wasn’t keen on the key worker, she made no eye contact with my daughter and didn’t ask what she liked or didn’t like, just asked me to write it down on some paperwork. Rather than getting down and playing with her she would dump some books in front of my daughter and walk off. Not a great way to build a strong attachment! It was hard as a friend sends their son to the same nursery and also had the same key worker but perhaps they gelled better than with my daughter? After four weeks of trying I didn’t think it was worth putting her through all that stress. It would be different if she cried for five minutes and tottered off to play. We will try nursery again when she’s older but I do believe at this age some babies benefit from one on one. The fact you remember one key worker so warmly says if the right person is there it makes a huge difference!

TheBeatGoesOn · 17/09/2020 11:38

This has made me so sad. Please call them.

Hardbackwriter · 17/09/2020 11:39

I also think people are projecting a lot of emotions onto the situation about being left out of a group, etc that I don't think a 9 month old will share. It isn't good practice and it's good that OP called up about it - and I can see why she was very upset, as the baby's mother - but a 9 month old entertaining themselves and watching what's going on for half an hour really isn't a situation that should have unrelated people in tears.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 17/09/2020 11:41

Its 2 days a week so his parents can work to pay for stuff he needs

Do you get some sort of kick from making someone more upset than they already are @oakleaffy

GreatestShowUnicorn · 17/09/2020 11:43

The ratio for him should be 2:1 or 3:1 at that age is it a mixed age room? I’m a childminder and can’t ever imagine not paying attention to a wee one for that long.

LuckyAmy1986 · 17/09/2020 11:48

Oh bless him, that made me sad, well done for calling, I hate any sort of confrontation!

Original poster

mylittlesandwich · 17/09/2020 11:50

We definitely can't afford a nanny. If he needed to be taken from nursery it would probably be to a childminder. We chose a nursery because he's likely to be an only child and meeting other children will eventually benefit him. Also they're less likely to be closed due to illness, this was all decided pre COVID.

He is such a sweet boy and I have no doubt that if he was upset they would have comforted him. They're not monsters. He's not upset at drop off or pick up.

I kept him at home with family for as long as I could but my sister is back at uni now and that has to be her focus. I won't mess up her degree because I don't want my baby in nursery. We chose to have him we can organise his care.

He's cared for by his parents 5 days a week, plenty of children manage just fine with more outside care than that.

OP posts:

Original poster

mylittlesandwich · 17/09/2020 11:51

Greatest it's 6 weeks to 2 years in his room but I believe he is one of the youngest.

OP posts:

Thenneverendingstorohree · 17/09/2020 11:51

I’m not a fan of babies in nurseries but I think you have to give them credit for responding in the right way. The fact they have a camera makes me think they aren’t routinely neglecting children. I would give them the benefit of the doubt.

Dawnlassie · 17/09/2020 11:53

Its a bit OTT to be talking about pulling him out after one observation isnt it?

oakleaffy · 17/09/2020 11:53

[quote jackfruitz]@oakleaffy Thank you! I wasn’t keen on the key worker, she made no eye contact with my daughter and didn’t ask what she liked or didn’t like, just asked me to write it down on some paperwork. Rather than getting down and playing with her she would dump some books in front of my daughter and walk off. Not a great way to build a strong attachment! It was hard as a friend sends their son to the same nursery and also had the same key worker but perhaps they gelled better than with my daughter? After four weeks of trying I didn’t think it was worth putting her through all that stress. It would be different if she cried for five minutes and tottered off to play. We will try nursery again when she’s older but I do believe at this age some babies benefit from one on one. The fact you remember one key worker so warmly says if the right person is there it makes a huge difference![/quote]
It is surprising what kids remember...
My brothers {different mother as Dad remarried} remember their worker, too..

It is hard if you need to work, of course it is.. but If at all humanly possible try to spend as much time with very young children.

Of course children are left 'on their own' in their own homes, but the home is familiar.
I'm sure your daughter will love her Nursery when the time is right...
That 'inner instinct' is a voice well worth listening to. :)

Thenneverendingstorohree · 17/09/2020 11:54

And don’t feel guilty if you have to work. You are doing your absolute best by him with limited options.
Advocating for him is something to be proud of. You’re being a great mum.

Original poster

mylittlesandwich · 17/09/2020 11:55

@Dawnlassie

Its a bit OTT to be talking about pulling him out after one observation isnt it?

I haven't said I'm pulling him out yet just that I could if necessary and that if I did it wouldn't be to a nanny it would be a childminder

OP posts:

Hardbackwriter · 17/09/2020 11:57

I'm really sorry that you were so scarred by your childhood experiences @oakleaffy, I really am, but the way you're trying deliberately to upset other parents, make them feel guilty and project your own very sad experiences onto a totally different situation are all completely unacceptable.

RedRumTheHorse · 17/09/2020 12:00

We chose a nursery because he's likely to be an only child and meeting other children will eventually benefit him.

He would meet other children at a childminder and would have the advantage of being the only child under a year.

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