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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let my 14 year old daughter travel 50 miles to Brighton on public transport with her friends?

84 replies

Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 16:20

She's never really been anywhere before but has now decided that this weekend she wants to go to Brighton by herself with her two other 14 year old friends.

The three of them are fairly sensible, verging on straight-laced. They've never been in trouble. The girls are from fairly sensible households, more strict than ours really, so there have never been any conflicts over going out before.

But the way my daughter has presented it is as if all her friends at school are doing this....

I have a feeling that if I say yes, it will start the ball rolling on the other kids pestering their parents to do something they otherwise would say no to.

I just think my daughter is way too naive to do this. She's got no street smarts at all. However, if I don't let her go out there, she'll never develop them.

Any thoughts? Confused

OP posts:
Sunnydaysstillhere · 15/09/2020 16:22

As a dm of 2 teen dd's I would be instantly suspicious....
Suggest you will be confirming with the other dps that the arrangement is OK with them before you will commit to saying yes.. My older dd spun me a similar tale many years ago and was travelling to meet a lad over 18!!

SummerHouse · 15/09/2020 16:25

Sounds fine to me. What are your actual fears?

Cocomarine · 15/09/2020 16:25

I would let a sensible 14 year old travel 50 miles with some sensible friends if it was daytime only, and they had been to that town before. I wouldn’t allow such a distance for a first time.

Cocomarine · 15/09/2020 16:27

And yes - subject to confirmation with other parents. And in this phone happy selfie generation, I’d want a photo of them all in front of the Pavilion for proof!!

squashyhat · 15/09/2020 16:27

50 miles as in a direct train from London?

Original poster
Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 16:28

I think you're right about checking with the other dps before saying anything further.

She wasn't specific about where they wanted to go, just "a beach near here".

We're nowhere near the coast, were in South London, Hmm, but I actually think she has no grasp of geography and has an abstract idea of the beach being nearby?

Confused
OP posts:
emptyshelvesagain · 15/09/2020 16:29

When you say she has never really been anywhere before what to you mean? Is she used to public transport and local town alone or has she no experience of that at all? If the former then I probably wouldn't worry too much but if she actually hadn't been anywhere before then a trip to Brighton is too much.

emptyshelvesagain · 15/09/2020 16:30

@Sunnydaysstillhere

As a dm of 2 teen dd's I would be instantly suspicious....

Why would you be suspicious?

cologne4711 · 15/09/2020 16:30

If she hasn't actually said Brighton, then say she can go to the beach on the Thames :)

I don't think I would have been happy with my ds going off somewhere like that at 14.

Cocomarine · 15/09/2020 16:32

When I lived in south London, I considered Brighton a beach “near here”, as it was one of the closest with (from my location) a direct train link.

I wouldn’t accept “the beach” as her destination. I’d let her go, but I’d want to know that she knew which beach and how to get to it (e.g. if she said, “the one by the pier and you can walk to it from the station in 15 mins, see - here it is on my phone.”) then I’d more likely say yes.

I think it’s lovely - a day trip to the beach with friends!

I’d be looking at how to say yes, not no.

Original poster
Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 16:33

Actually she has got buses around with these friends, maybe even a train once.

They are sweet girls, very sensible. I like the idea that they would be having fun.

I just worry that something unexpected will happen. Or they will make some random "friends" ie teenagers that they don't know, and this will be a gateway to reckless behaviour.

She did at one point meet some people at our local park and decide she wanted to hang out with them. However, that seemed to die a death by itself thankfully.

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 15/09/2020 16:34

I can tell you what my LEAST concern would be though... this ball rolling for other kids comment. Not my circus, not my monkeys! I make decisions for my own child. Some things she can do that her friends are not allowed, others she can’t and they can. All parents have their own decision to make,

Fallowdeerhunter · 15/09/2020 16:36

You need to let go of her. She’s 14. I was clubbing in Camden and you’re worried about a 35 minute train ride. And in case she makes friends and engages in reckless behaviour. You can’t keep her by your side forever she’s a young adult

perfumeistooexpensive · 15/09/2020 16:37

My DGS travelled from Cornwall to Kent on his own at that age. He lost his friends and just carried on. He had to cross London. She'll be fine.

Cocomarine · 15/09/2020 16:37

Then talk to her about your concerns.
My 12yo knows that if she calls me and randomly says, “but mum, do I have to come back now?” Or “can I stay another hour please?” then I will ask her quietly if she’d actually like to leave... so if things are getting uncomfortable for any reason and I need to be the mean mum get out clause - I will play that role.

Tell her why you’re worried, ask her how she can help with that.

If Brighton is too much right now, can you engineer a reason to accompany them to a local place, but then expect them to make it home alone?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2020 16:37

My children are adults now, but I remember the teen years very well. A normally sensible 14 year old can get themselves into a LOT of trouble or risky situations, which makes needing to help them become independent really tricky.

Before you make any decisions, talk to the other girls' parents and try to suss out any ulterior motives. I think you do have to have a certain amount of suspicion when dealing with your teens, honestly. Even very good kids lie about what they're really up to.

workhomesleeprepeat · 15/09/2020 16:39

She’s 14!! I was going to nightclubs at that age. And here I thought my mum was super strict.

Call the other parents if you are suspicious. Otherwise I would let her go with instructions to be in regular contact. Is she planning to stay home for uni? Are you not concerned that you’ve raised someone who you don’t think has any street smarts?

nancy75 · 15/09/2020 16:42

It would depend on the journey for me, direct train - probably yes, bus & train with changes probably not.
My Dd is just 15 so probably a school year above yours, last year she was going to the west end using tube/train with friends (we are SE London)

Original poster
Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 16:43

I've tried the "local place" idea and even suggested I could drop them off and pick them up. But she's not keen on that, I think the whole idea is that they want to be independent.

And I do get that. I had so much freedom at that age.

However, she is a very young 14. Very young.

She reminded me that they've been to Camden as a group, and to be honest that pretty comparable to Brighton in terms of journey, distance and mood.

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 15/09/2020 16:44

50 miles is really far away and she may think she is all street smart but didn’t we all at that age, I don’t think YABU at all! Stick to your guns x

irregularegular · 15/09/2020 16:45

Yes, if daytime, if they already know Brighton a bit, and are clear about where they are planning to go, how they will get back etc.

It sounds to me like it is probably too big a leap for them right now and I would be helping them plan a more accessible trip.

KitchenConfidential · 15/09/2020 16:47

The bit that would concern me is that they actually don’t seem know exactly where they are going or why they’ll be doing there.

Gulpingcoffee · 15/09/2020 16:48

I think you need to let her try. I had barely been in the UK before when just turned 13 I had to do a good 6hr train trip including changing trains in a major city. Parents never thought anything of it, just expected me to get on with it and be ok. So I did!

Original poster
Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 16:52

@workhomesleeprepeat

What a jungle the internet is now. I wondered when the generally helpful and constructive responses would start to take on a nasty judgy tone:

"Are you not concerned that you’ve raised someone who you don’t think has any street smarts?"

Not at 14, no. I'm not concerned that my kids haven't been out drinking, smoking, hanging out on street corners before 14. I'm not concerned that they haven't encountered dodgy friends, weirdo old men, flashers, had their mobile phones nicked, or any of the other stuff that I know happens to a lot of teenagers these days. And some of which I encountered.

There's time enough for her to gradually encounter this stuff, and as I said, I've let them gradually build up their experience. I've never really said no to any requests before, as they've all been reasonable.

I just had a moment of hesitation on this one as they will be completely out of range of something goes wrong. Every child grows up and pushes those boundaries in their own time, and I have let it evolve. If you've I think I should have pushed her harder to get more streetwise then I'm sorry for you.

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 15/09/2020 16:55

I required one adult to chaperone until mine were 16...for both the boys and girls.