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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not let my 14 year old daughter travel 50 miles to Brighton on public transport with her friends?

84 replies

Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 16:20

She's never really been anywhere before but has now decided that this weekend she wants to go to Brighton by herself with her two other 14 year old friends.

The three of them are fairly sensible, verging on straight-laced. They've never been in trouble. The girls are from fairly sensible households, more strict than ours really, so there have never been any conflicts over going out before.

But the way my daughter has presented it is as if all her friends at school are doing this....

I have a feeling that if I say yes, it will start the ball rolling on the other kids pestering their parents to do something they otherwise would say no to.

I just think my daughter is way too naive to do this. She's got no street smarts at all. However, if I don't let her go out there, she'll never develop them.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Original poster

Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 16:56

But to.all the other posters, thank you for your honest and useful advice.

It's definitely borderline. It's all about trust and judgement. I think they are still very young, and if this is the first time for them, I'd rather have put a bit of scaffolding in, just to provide backup.

I'm glad they're being adventurous. I trust them as a group. They're lovely girls. But I feel as the adult, the parent, I have to make sure it's my judgment at work, not a bunch of delightfully naive 14 year olds.

OP posts:

Londonmummy66 · 15/09/2020 16:56

Normally yes I probably would so long as I knew that they were coming back on a specific train etc but Brighton is pretty heaving at the weekend which isn't great for a first trip alone. If they want to sunbathe and possibly swim then how about an open air pool one of the south London lidos or the open air pool at Beckenham Palace Park?

woodlandwalker · 15/09/2020 16:58

I don't think the open air pool at Beckenham Place Park is open.

Florencex · 15/09/2020 17:00

@Cloudspotter

Street smarts does not mean drinking, smoking, hanging out on street corners, mixing with dodgy people and flashers?

It means having the experience, knowledge and common sense to stay safe.

woodlandwalker · 15/09/2020 17:00

You could offer to collect her friends and drop them all off at your local station to get a train to central London. Journey time may not be much less than Brighton and trains often less frequent, depending where you are, but mileage is much less so doesn't feel so daunting.
Alternatively, you could collect them and drop them off at East Croydon Station where there's lots of trains to Brighton and it only takes around 45 minutes.

Crockof · 15/09/2020 17:02

14 year as in year 10, so turning 15? I would allow if she can tell you her plans (ie we get this train from this platform) it's much safer to know where she is then for her to tell her she is just at a friend's.

workhomesleeprepeat · 15/09/2020 17:02

Street smarts isn’t just things to do with smoking and drinking But nice presumption there. Though maybe I shouldn’t have given clubbing as an example

I just mean at 14 that my mum didn’t have concerns that I would take a train by myself and somehow get coerced into doing something silly. I was v suspicious of strangers - my age or not - and was very comfortable sticking up for myself, something that served me well in my later teenage years. That’s what street smarts means to me.

I’ve clearly touched a nerve though! Sorry. That did come across harsh didn’t it! I should review my posts more. Teenage years are hard, I should have been nicer about that

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 15/09/2020 17:02

I have a sensible 14 yo (with sensible friends!) and Brighton is our nearest beach, and probably a similar train journey. Mine has never done a train journey that long unaccompanied, but has done longer journeys successfully with her older sibling. I'd consider this one, and want to see that they'd done their thinking: what time is the train back; how long is it from the beach to the station; what will they do if one of them looses a phone/if they miss the train/if someone drunk tries to talk to them etc etc ; what are they budgeting for lunch that kind of thing. As well as sitting down and going through the 'rules' (who do/don't you talk to; where do/don't you go etc). Even so... hummm... I suspect I'd say that I'd travel down to Brighton (in a carriage as far away from them as poss) and spend a day with my own lovely Brighton mate and meet them at the train station to come home. I think I'd just want to be there as a back up ....

Angelina82 · 15/09/2020 17:03

She’s 14. About time she was given a bit of trust and allowed to spread her wings.

TeachesOfPeaches · 15/09/2020 17:07

Clapham junction or Croydon is a very easy 1 hour direct journey to Brighton. Check what the other parents think

ChnandlerBong · 15/09/2020 17:09

Surely 14 is year 10. 4th year in old money.

We were definitely spreading our wings at that age. Starting to go to parties and wanting to go further afield than the local town for a day out.

You say yourself that they're sensible girls. Just make it condition that she leaves her phone tracker on and give her a specific time to be home and take a deep breath.

If she's not old enough now, when will she be? 16? 18? 21?

HelpMeh · 15/09/2020 17:09

I was equal parts sensible and twat at that age. Me and my mate had a great time going to Brighton for the day. We were street savvy and could get ourselves from A to B with no bother. But we were also drinkers, smokers, boy chasers, thieves and liars

If they know how to navigate trains, I say let them go.

Original poster

Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 17:10

Okay, so I wonder how this changes things....

On further discussion, she wants to swim in the sea!

This changes things. A shopping/sightseeing trip on the train is one thing. Swimming in the sea with no adult supervision or strong swimmers is another.

This is exactly the sort of thing that I think I was worried about. They can swim, but only basic doggy paddle/breast stroke. The idea of the three of them heading off into the sea is terrifying. I did take her swimming in the sea this summer, and whilst I'm thrilled that she wants to repeat the experience, I think it needs a bit more thinking over.

The South London Lidos were a great suggestion. If swimming is the main event, they would be far better.

OP posts:

Inappropriatefemale · 15/09/2020 17:11

[quote Florencex]@Cloudspotter

Street smarts does not mean drinking, smoking, hanging out on street corners, mixing with dodgy people and flashers?

It means having the experience, knowledge and common sense to stay safe.[/quote]
It does mean what you say but also to the stuff that the OP mentioned too, it’s important not to shelter teens too much but at the same time, you must keep them safe.

OP I think you have been very brave to come here and ask this sort of question because there is nothing worse than everyone having different opinions on what’s acceptable and I used to hate being undermined from so called friends about my choices as a parent and right in front of my DD as well, the underminers were the same age and economic and social stance as me, which made it worse. The thing is though is that you clearly sound like a good mum and I think you knew the answer all along but you just needed that extra reassurance

ShinyMe · 15/09/2020 17:11

One of my favourite memories around that age was when I was allowed to go to London by myself. We lived in rural north Wales, and I'd been to London and used the tube with my mum. Then during the easter holidays when I was 14 and a half, I stayed with my auntie in Hertfordshire and went up to London on the train every morning for a week, and explored by myself, coming back at tea time. It was so exciting and I felt so grown up. I was probably more cautious than my mum and my auntie expected me to be, was very clear about where I was going in advance and never deviated from the plan or tried to push the boundaries or do anything silly or come back late. I think I went shopping and wandered round the theatre areas and looked at fountains and parks and bought stupid hair clips in Covent Garden market and ate junk that I wouldn't be allowed at home. It was wonderful.

Milkshake54 · 15/09/2020 17:12

Get her to plan the day, train route, route to beach, train home etc. Make sure she has her phone on her and a portable charger with her (you can’t really get lost when you have a smart phone 😂).

Check with other parents to ensure it is happening and she’s not sneaking off to meet someone she’s met off the internet or something!

Have a couple of agreed ‘check-in’ times whether she gives you a quick call or a text.

I’m sure she will be fine and it’s much better than she is open with you and discusses the plan, rather than you saying no and her finding another way to do it behind your back!

hopefulhalf · 15/09/2020 17:14

My Dd has done the journey the other way (Mid Kent into London) with a couple of sensible friends. She is 14 in 2 weeks.

Inappropriatefemale · 15/09/2020 17:14

@Cloudspotter

Okay, so I wonder how this changes things....

On further discussion, she wants to swim in the sea!

This changes things. A shopping/sightseeing trip on the train is one thing. Swimming in the sea with no adult supervision or strong swimmers is another.

The South London Lidos were a great suggestion. If swimming is the main event, they would be far better.

Swimming in the sea? Christ that alone just proves that she can’t possibly go now, thank goodness she showed just how childlike and silly she is being, not meaning to diss her but I think you know what I mean, and this before you perhaps let her go! Teens pffft

Original poster

Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 17:16

@workhomesleeprepeat

Sorry I did go a bit off the deep end. I saw a really sad thread yesterday from a lady who's worried about afford to redecorate her council house, with two SN children. And she got such a bollocking, in a kind of "worthier than thou" four Yorkshiremen way. I felt so sorry for her in the end, it seemed like being in the stocks.

It's made me a touch oversensitive.

Thanks for your lovely reply. I think I had a wilder youth than my kids, and a lot wilder friends. I would have been out clubbing with older men at 14 if my parents hasn't restrained me, and I hated them for it. Looking back..... It's a different matter. I can kind of see their point - especially when you see the child exploitation scandals in the North.

Anyway, moving on, but thanks. Xxx

OP posts:

nancy75 · 15/09/2020 17:16

I shouldn’t worry too much about the swimming, by the weekend the weather is going down to about 19 & the sea will be bloody freezing! I doubt they’ll get in past their knees

Dozer · 15/09/2020 17:19

Portsmouth (Southsea) has nice shops (gunwharf quays outlet) and beaches and some areas have lifeguards, which is great for safety. Crowded on hot days though (Brighton will be too, of course).

Personally my main worry would be groups of men behaving badly / in an intimidating way on trains.

TreestumpsAndTrampolines · 15/09/2020 17:21

Swimming unsupervised, no.. but realistically, swimming in the sea in the UK in late September? Probably not going to happen, I agree with Nancy :)

Ruislip has a beach around the lake - used to take the kids a lot. Wouldn't really want to swim in it once you'd had a look though.. paddle maybe :D

bookmum08 · 15/09/2020 17:21

The beach at Brighton is massive pebbles. If she is thinking of sunbathing and swimming it's not that great.
However it is an easy journey by train. London Victoria, Clapham Junction or East Croydon. Less than an hours journey. From East Croydon it's a quicker journey to get to than some places in central London. At Brighton you walk out the train station and down the hill and you are right there on the front. Everything is signposted.
Have any of them been to Brighton before?

AintNobodyHereButUsKittens · 15/09/2020 17:22

Brighton is basically a suburb of London - I’d be relaxed about them going to the Lanes for the day. But three fairly clueless girls going proper swimming in the sea there is asking for trouble - at the very least they’ll get their phones and bags nicked. Paddling in shorts and Tevas would probably be fine.

TabbyStar · 15/09/2020 17:22

I would have let DD go at 14, but Snapchat maps is what you need (presuming she uses it) or some other equivalent.

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