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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let my 14 year old daughter travel 50 miles to Brighton on public transport with her friends?

84 replies

Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 16:20

She's never really been anywhere before but has now decided that this weekend she wants to go to Brighton by herself with her two other 14 year old friends.

The three of them are fairly sensible, verging on straight-laced. They've never been in trouble. The girls are from fairly sensible households, more strict than ours really, so there have never been any conflicts over going out before.

But the way my daughter has presented it is as if all her friends at school are doing this....

I have a feeling that if I say yes, it will start the ball rolling on the other kids pestering their parents to do something they otherwise would say no to.

I just think my daughter is way too naive to do this. She's got no street smarts at all. However, if I don't let her go out there, she'll never develop them.

Any thoughts? Confused

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 15/09/2020 17:23

Only you know your DD OP. And it also depends if they're 14 almost 15, or just turned from 13 to 14.

Some 14 year olds are very street smart, some aren't.

My own two DDs at that age were worlds apart. One, the older one, was going clubbing with her brother in Camden at 14, the other one at 14 was naive and quite young for her age.

I know Brighton well. My older DD would have been fine going at that age with a group of friends.

As long as your DD and her friends know to stick together, not do anything silly and can be relied upon to get the right train back then they will be fine I imagine.

Just be sure they know how to keep themselves safe.

I would definitely talk to the parents of the friends to make sure it's not a case of 'but everyone's going, and their parents' are fine with it'.

My first thought was, oh god no, not at 14, it's so young. But it isn't really that young for some kids.

Original poster
Cloudspotter · 15/09/2020 17:24

Totally agree @Inappropriatefemale

The very idea of them going swimming in the sea just demonstrates her naiveté.

She's really lovely, very trusting, and so far we have kept the dialogue open and all very harmonious.

She and her older sister both know I've been in more trouble in my life than they could ever likely get into, and I've shared enough stuff with them so they know there is not much that could shock me, no judgement, just support.

Being a teenager is very tough, bit it's also exhilarating. I just want them to navigate through it safely whilst having as much fun as they can.

I've generally been the one to encourage them to expand their horizons, not the other way round.

I just think on this one it's a bit soon for their capabilities. And I'll try to steer it towards something a bit safer but still great fun.

OP posts:
Inappropriatefemale · 15/09/2020 17:25

@nancy75

I shouldn’t worry too much about the swimming, by the weekend the weather is going down to about 19 & the sea will be bloody freezing! I doubt they’ll get in past their knees Smile
I think it’s the fact she wants to go swimming in the sea, not that it’s nothing to worry about, it’s showing how childish she is, which is okay, after all a teen is a child in a way so it’s allowed.

@Cloudspotter
the bitchiness on the net isn’t exclusive to MN, it’s the fact it’s the internet and the anonymity factor, people that wouldn’t normally say boo to a goose in real life, feel safe in the knowledge that nobody can actually touch them in response to their nastiness and thus bringing out the keyboard warriors, I had this myself today on a thread I started and the issue with me is that I’m silly enough to jump to these bullies, because bullies, albeit cyber ones, is all that they are and I know for a fact strangers rarely speak this way, or sorry groups of strangers. to people face to face because if they did, then they may well get a friendly slap across the face Wink

Oblomov20 · 15/09/2020 17:25

Your suspicions are unwarranted. I go to Brighton all the time because my brother lives there. And yes the beach is right there.

Pre covid Ds1 went with a big group to Brighton one day, Bournemouth the next week. They had a blast.

Vigoro · 15/09/2020 17:26

I normally hate the use of child-tracking apps, but maybe requiring her to use one just for the duration of the trip is a reasonable condition?

Inappropriatefemale · 15/09/2020 17:26

@Oblomov20

Your suspicions are unwarranted. I go to Brighton all the time because my brother lives there. And yes the beach is right there.

Pre covid Ds1 went with a big group to Brighton one day, Bournemouth the next week. They had a blast.

Are you 14 though?
pigsDOfly · 15/09/2020 17:33

Hmm. Just seen your update OP.

Swimming in the sea, I wouldn't be happy with.

Perhaps something a little nearer to home might be better at this stage.

hopefulhalf · 15/09/2020 17:35

Brighton is easy to find your way around for a London teen and just different enoigh to be interesting. I must be a terrible mother Dd has spent most of the summer on the beach with no adult supervision (she is as tall as me so not sure I could rescue her anyway)

Dozer · 15/09/2020 17:37

It’s not childish to want to swim in the sea! Providing done safely, And may need a wetsuit v shortly as will be cold. Lots of south coast beaches accessible by rail with lifeguards doing an amazing job. Also lots of managed open water places within train ride of London.

Recommend ‘Leap In’ by Alexandra Hemmingsley.

Ellmau · 15/09/2020 17:37

at the very least they’ll get their phones and bags nicked.

Not to mention their tickets back home.

Nicetableinnit · 15/09/2020 17:39

Brighton is so safe, honestly as long as they aren’t planning anything stupid like meeting random boys off the internet I’d let her go. The sea is also very safe, and they can always swim low tide and where the life guards are on the beach. Water is clean and no bad spots for tips or anything. I bet they don’t do more than splash and paddle anyway but a low tide you can walk out for almost a km and still not be out of your depth.

Nicetableinnit · 15/09/2020 17:41

I swim nearly every day in Brighton at the mo and leave my stuff on the beach - never had an issue with anything being nicked. It really is a safe city to wander around.

pigsDOfly · 15/09/2020 17:43

Your suspicions are unwarranted. I go to Brighton all the time because my brother lives there. And yes the beach is right there.

I'm not sure the OP has any 'suspicions' about anything, other than that her DD might be saying everyone at school is allowed to go, when in fact they're not.

Unless you are a 14 year old girl, how many times you go to Brighton is irrelevant.

Oblomov20 · 15/09/2020 17:44

Female ? Hmm

Am I 14? Err no. Any other twatty questions? Angry

katy1213 · 15/09/2020 17:44

How streetsmart do you need to be to sit on a train for an hour, mooch around the shops and go for a paddle?

BilboBercow · 15/09/2020 17:47

For those of you going to nightclubs at 14, you know that's not really a high bar don't you?

dollypartonscoat · 15/09/2020 17:49

How is swimming in the sea childish? Confused

It can be unsafe, however, so I wouldn't be happy if she's naive. That said, I would let her go for a wander round the shops, it's good to get some independence in a safe way

Inappropriatefemale · 15/09/2020 17:51

@Oblomov20

Female ? Hmm

Am I 14? Err no. Any other twatty questions? Angry

I asked because you said it’s okay to go to Brighton etc and the OPs daughter is only 14 so just because you as an adult said it’s okay to go then that doesn’t mean it’s okay for a 14 year old, I would have thought it was obvious why I asked you if you were 14, can’t you see why?!
Inappropriatefemale · 15/09/2020 17:55

@dollypartonscoat

How is swimming in the sea childish? Confused

It can be unsafe, however, so I wouldn't be happy if she's naive. That said, I would let her go for a wander round the shops, it's good to get some independence in a safe way

It’s childish to ask! Anyway the OP is the girls mother and it’s up to her and she was just looking for reassurance that she was correct in not letting her go, I think this is what the OP wanted anyway.

If the OP thinks it’s childish for her 14 year old daughter to ask to go swimming in the sea then it’s childish!

OP you are brave posting about your kid here, I couldn’t! Your the parent and you have made up your mind about your child and still they question you, never in real life would this happen!

LakieLady · 15/09/2020 18:04

If she's not a strong swimmer, Brighton is probably one of the safest places to swim in the sea. The beach is busy as soon as the sun comes out and there are always loads of people around. And parts of the beach have life guards (sorry, don't know which ones).

They sound like sensible girls, I'd be inclined to let them go.

I was at the beach just a couple of miles away today, at Rottingdean, and there were loads of people swimming. Sadly, it was our work team meeting, so not really appropriate to just get changed and have a dip.

It looked bloody lovely though.

IdblowJonSnow · 15/09/2020 18:08

I think it's a bit young and would suggest somewhere closer to home as an initial venture.
Either that or I'd drive them there and then do my own thing all day and meet them later on.

Hollyhobbi · 15/09/2020 18:15

I'd be more worried about her catching Covid on public transport!

user1487194234 · 15/09/2020 18:18

I think that's ok

QueSera · 15/09/2020 18:28

As a former 14yo girl - NO WAY would I allow this, as I know what I would have got up if I had been allowed to do this, and I know what my friends and I DID do when we were allowed to do things like this!

Lightsabre · 15/09/2020 18:31

I wouldn't be too happy with the sea swimming so would say no on that basis.