dds not wanting to see old friends anymore

[Friendsoftheearth]

I feel fortunate that I have some lovely old friends with dc, and mostly over the years we have all grown up together with the children playing when they were younger and it has been great, but just lately it has become quite strained.

DDs (13 & nearly 16) do not want to see my old friends' children anymore. They tell me they have nothing in common and don't enjoy it. I dds are old enough to decide who they see, so I have since tried to organise just adult evenings and days out with my friends, and this is where the difficulty lies.

My friends for a multiple reasons really are insisting on doing things with dc still.
Some have dc that don't have many/any friends and so really want to see my girls, others see my eldest dd as a good influence and want their dc to hang out with her to keep them away from what has become a troubling period. One other set have a dd that is really quite unkind to my youngest dd. So we obv avoid them. Others have younger ones and can not organise babysitting because of lockdown! I It has become really fraught now we are out of lockdown, and friends want to catch up.

Do I:

1. Insist on adults only get togethers and if I don't see them, that is fine
2. Take tc and make it short and sweet
3. Distance from it all for a while, see more straight forward friends
4. A solution I haven't thought of! Am I being unreasonable or selfish?

This is causing some tension between us, because I don't want to say outright and hurt anyone's feelings that my dc are no longer interested - and probably never were really, so I have been saying dc are busy with sports, revision etc but then they ask for the next free date!!

How do others manage this transition?
The whole group gathering just doesn't work anymore..

Well you probably don't know the other kids feelings about it, but if they really didn't want to go & could be left-would their parents be forcing them to?

oblov I think for the friends that have children that are struggling they may see this as me not doing anything to help their dc. I know they are having friendship issues at school, I am aware of problems and yet I choose to leave dc at home when we could be there for them.

If I am honest, I am worried it will come across like that. Esp the ones where we have been there for each other through difficult times. It feels a wee bit unkind. I know they are trying to build up friends for their dc.

I have a group of friends who met when our children were all in the same reception class together. We haven't got together with our children since they were at primary school. They are all at different schools and/or don't get on. It's not an issue because this is our friendship, not theirs.

And children get quite enough obligations with family. They don't need to see friends as burdens too.

I think the title of this thread is slightly misleading. It’s not their old friends the children don’t want to see - it’s the children of your old friends? Were the ‘friendships’ between the children ever borne out of anything more than convenience? I can well remember being young and essentially dumped in a playroom with my parents’ friends’ children while they all had a nice chat - it would have been even worse to be pushed into it in my teens.

These are your friendships to maintain, not theirs. Say you’d love to see everyone, but the kids will probably be off doing their own thing as they don’t get much free time when they’re not revising. For the ones with younger children, accept that they’ll probably have to bring them along. You might have to accept you won’t see them quite as frequently for a while, but as you say, in a few years the older kids will be off at uni and you’ll have more time to yourself anyway.

OTOH it is important to understand about social obligations and family life.

Fuck social obligations. They're made up.

I hate any situation where people are forced to hang out due to circumstance as opposed to affinity. It's nonsense.

Your DC are old enough to choose their friends. They shouldn't be used as unpaid babysitters against their will to entertain other children that they don't like (and by your words are spiteful to them) so their parents can hang out.

I'd just tell your friend that they've grown older and have chosen not to come. They have their own things going on.

If you can't organise an adults only, say you'll go but don't take your ch. when asked 'i said they didn't fancy it'

So their children's opinions are more important than your own children's?
That's not a great point to be passing on. They've had years of that social obligation, there has to come a point where they get to choose.

@Friendsoftheearth

oblov I think for the friends that have children that are struggling they may see this as me not doing anything to help their dc. I know they are having friendship issues at school, I am aware of problems and yet I choose to leave dc at home when we could be there for them.

If I am honest, I am worried it will come across like that. Esp the ones where we have been there for each other through difficult times. It feels a wee bit unkind. I know they are trying to build up friends for their dc.

Why on earth should you be helping their children.

All of that is their business to resolve. Their issues, not yours.

essentially dumped in a playroom with my parents’ friends’ children I remember that too! Although in my case I quite enjoyed having different people to play/fight with It made a nice change from my brother and I fighting like cat and dog most days!!!

Seriously I know what you mean, being forced to socialise as a teen is the worst, and although I was expected to do it whilst I was a teen and beyond, and now see it as a very helpful tool as I learnt how to make small talk and get by with near strangers, I do know that my dc will definitely have the choice when it comes to their lives. Just dealing with telling the friends can be tricky with the more persistent ones.

top Yes it is their problem to solve, but I do always try and help my friends if I can, even if it is annoying and inconvenient for some of us.

I agree Topseyt. The OP’s children are not there as a solution to other children’s problems. It’s not like passing on an old games console no one plays with anymore - you can’t lend your children out for the day.

This thread has been super helpful. Thank you.

If I am honest, I am worried it will come across like that. Esp the ones where we have been there for each other through difficult times. It feels a wee bit unkind. I know they are trying to build up friends for their dc.

Not your DDs responsibility though, or yours.
You need to respect your DCs opinion and stop nagging them.
Nothing worse than ‘social obligations’ with people you have absolutely nothing in common with, no matter how old you are.

Your friends will then maybe have to try different ways to find proper friends for their children.

But if you only see these people 3/4 times a year, how is your teens being there helpful to their kids making friends at school?

You can't put the burden of your friends' DCs problems onto your kids. That's grim. My very lovely and fabulous friend did this to my daughter once when her own DD was going through some huge problems - she wanted my DD to step up and help her. I had to very firmly say that I wasn't prepared to get my DD involved. I offered her every possible bit of support I could, but kept my DD well away from the situation.

DS, hasn't been interested in visiting some family members for years, reasons I completely understand and agree with. I just say he's busy doing his own thing. But DH seems to think we have to offer 'a plausible excuse'. I have suggested he make up this plausible excuse, surprise surprise, he can't thank no of anything. So we go with doing his own thing, they tend not to even bother asking now.

I am aware of problems and yet I choose to leave dc at home when we could be there for them

This is for the parents of those DC to figure out, your DC are not support workers or human shields for other people.Are you actively trying to set you DC up to never say "No" to anybody, to have no boundaries at all. How does that look in the future for your DC.

I think you are tying yourself into knots over this as you want to make life easier for you, so you are willing to throw your DC under the bus to make social life more "pleasant" for the adults in this situation. Your poor boundaries mean you don't have the skills to stand firm and just say "no" to these people, no excuses, no explanations, just no.

I don't think your daughters have any responsibilities or obligations here.

They have every right to choose with whom they spend their time.

"Teenagers off doing their own thing" is your best bet to keep it light and avoid saying flat out that they don't want to come.

If yours are the oldest then this will probably become an issue for everyone in the group in time.

I think that you are doing the right thing to let your DC choose.

In general just make arrangements with your friends and simply don't refer to your DC at all. If asked directly - give a shrug (as in: 'teens and their independent ways -they like to do their own thing these days').

It doesn't matter to you whether or not their children are present does it?

Just to be clear, I do not expect my dds to be there for friends dd, at all, but definitely at least one of my friends is expecting this, that is their expectation that we will help not mine. Her dd really likes my dd, and likes to see her, she doesn't have any friends at the moment and so this is now more important to her. I have eased my dd out of the situation when she said she wanted to stop seeing her, but that hasn't stopped my friend from asking, and in some cases making me feel bad for not meeting up altogether. An example was over the summer, she said not one of her dd's school friends had made contact over the lockdown and how much she was looking forward to seeing dd. I said dd was very busy at the moment and probably couldn't make it, and she sounded really upset and disappointed. I can deal with this, of course as an adult, but I am not heartless and really felt for her when she was telling me about it. I don't intend to change my position, but I do feel for her.

no no ! not all friendships last. Let you DCs make their own choices and stop them having to support other children to ease the parents mind and also sort those other children out. It is unfair on your DCs to expect this of them- there is no issues of social obligations. Please don't make your DCs meet up with others when they would rather not.

did My friend whom we see four times a year sees it as at least it is something in the diary for her dd, and she would meet up every week if we were able to.
I think when your dc are in that position, with no friends you drop most things to try and make get togethers happen I imagine. That is at least the impression I get.

We have a similar group.of friends. My oldest who now 26 has always been close to the children of the group and still comes to regular meet ups and parties. My younger one decided when she was about 15 that she didn’t feel close to any of them so she stopped attending and hasn’t been to one since. It’s no big deal. If anyone has asked where she is we’ve just said ‘off with her mates’ or ‘having a night in’ and that’s been the end of it. She still sees the friends and now adult children occasionally, mostly at funerals sadly, and is happy to offer condolences and make friendly small talk as necessary. but they aren’t her friends in the same way as they are to the rest of us.

1wild I don't mind either way if friends dc are with us, although the times we have done it like that, my friend would say throughout 'oh it is such a shame dd1 and dd2 can't be here, Sxxx would have loved to have seen them' and her dd was at a loose end, as she had no one to hang out with.