dds not wanting to see old friends anymore

[Friendsoftheearth]

I feel fortunate that I have some lovely old friends with dc, and mostly over the years we have all grown up together with the children playing when they were younger and it has been great, but just lately it has become quite strained.

DDs (13 & nearly 16) do not want to see my old friends' children anymore. They tell me they have nothing in common and don't enjoy it. I dds are old enough to decide who they see, so I have since tried to organise just adult evenings and days out with my friends, and this is where the difficulty lies.

My friends for a multiple reasons really are insisting on doing things with dc still.
Some have dc that don't have many/any friends and so really want to see my girls, others see my eldest dd as a good influence and want their dc to hang out with her to keep them away from what has become a troubling period. One other set have a dd that is really quite unkind to my youngest dd. So we obv avoid them. Others have younger ones and can not organise babysitting because of lockdown! I It has become really fraught now we are out of lockdown, and friends want to catch up.

Do I:

1. Insist on adults only get togethers and if I don't see them, that is fine
2. Take tc and make it short and sweet
3. Distance from it all for a while, see more straight forward friends
4. A solution I haven't thought of! Am I being unreasonable or selfish?

This is causing some tension between us, because I don't want to say outright and hurt anyone's feelings that my dc are no longer interested - and probably never were really, so I have been saying dc are busy with sports, revision etc but then they ask for the next free date!!

How do others manage this transition?
The whole group gathering just doesn't work anymore..

*with mum's friends and kids

Yes I was thinking the covid excuse is perfect this year, but I still would love to see my friends (and children) and feel abit weird saying it will just be me even at christmas (which is being arranged now - yes ridiculous but every sep it is the same!!)
God help me.

I almost wish for another lockdown (I don't mean that!) but it WAS much more simple tbf!

How would you feel about being made to socialise with your DDs’ friends’ parents?

If you wouldn’t be keen then why is it ok in reverse?

In terms of friends with younger children and a lack of babysitting due to covid, it does mean that I probably won't see them - is that okay?
Their dd is really spiteful and my dd is just point blank refusing to see her. I don't blame her, but every week she asks me when we are meeting up!

My friends for a multiple reasons really are insisting on doing things with dc still.
Some have dc that don't have many/any friends and so really want to see my girls, others see my eldest dd as a good influence and want their dc to hang out with her to keep them away from what has become a troubling period. One other set have a dd that is really quite unkind to my youngest dd. So we obv avoid them. Others have younger ones and can not organise babysitting because of lockdown

So, looking at this, I think for me it is clear why your friends want your DC around. They can be used as entertainment, babysitting, etc. They aren't asking for your DC to attend because they like them.

This happened to us. You need to say they aren’t as close as they were but it might change, let’s see etc

It might change how often you see your pals if they like to do things with their teens in tow, but it is a jew phase of life and your kids have their own preferences now. Good pals will want to see you anyway and otherwise just stay neighbourly and pleasant. I do envy the families who stay in touch, go on holidays etc but that’s luck really and kids do need to choose their own pals

In terms of friends with younger children and a lack of babysitting due to covid, it does mean that I probably won't see them - is that okay?

Your DC are old enough to be home alone, so you could still meet these friends without DC? I understand the conversation may be awkward but it’s still possible. You’d say I’d love to see you all but it would just be me/me and DH, when is good?

multi Yes I think there is an element of my dc being used for entertainment, my friends feel they are killing two birds with one stone. Providing day out/entertainment for their dc and catching up with old friends. It works well when both sides are happy with it.

newgirls what happened with your friends? Did they continue to pester for dates or did it just fade away? I don't think every friendship is meant to last forever, but I think most should ride out the changes. One or two could take it personally, and I guess I am just a little afraid of causing offence.

I would suggest you see you own friends with or without their DC.

As are you have said they truly busy with revising and stuff in their own lives. My dd will see it as a lost day to revision, and she is right. They say they want to spend their limited spare time with their own friends.

GCSE years are stressful. Tell your friends when you are free but firmly tell them that your DCs are busy as they are! In a couple of years time your eldest may be living away at university!

new I also think many of those families still holidaying etc together with reluctant teens, there will almost certainly be someone in that arrangement who really does't want to be there one that is dragged along anyway!

We see one couple and chat about the teens (now much older) but do see them less.

Another we stay in touch and always say hi but more as nice neighbours than close pals

In that time we have all made new friends and I’d say I have more in common with these are they are ‘my’ friends rather than through the kids.

So I think it’s just a phase of life? Hope that helps?!

Using your DC as entertainment for their DC is increasing the stress levels of your DC! Quite rightly its a missed day of doing homework/coursework/revision which will need to be crammed into another slot of free time meaning your teen DC have even less time to unwind, relax and do things they want to do outside of school.

little Yes exactly, she is stressed and already massively behind because of lockdown, she has no interest in doing favours or seeing anyone. She is considering everything outside of school carefully, because she needs to make time for sport as well, and quite frankly this year is full on anyway. I agree they will all be off to university soon enough and it becomes a non issue thank goodness. Although some families even force their adult children along to our old get togethers, so it depends on the family I think! My SIL still insists her adult children of nearly 30 must be present at every single family event. I marvel at her ability to have that much say at this point - and she gets really confused when my dds don't come or are busy, she says it is family and comes before else according to them. So we already have a fair few obligations as it is.

My DC were genuinely flat out working on GCSEs, it's very intensive. They didn't have much time to spare for their own friends, let alone any other people.

Sorry your q - no pestering as we talked about it saying they prob weren’t as close any more. We all knew it really. They were all at secondary by then and we talked about how it was amazing it lasted so long as family groups. A bit sad too as a phase came to a natural end

Such a small change with children becoming teenagers, but it feels like a minefield.

I guess we will be seeing less of some friends if it is conditional on dc being present, and that is okay. I am sorry that easy stage of dc playing is well and truly over, but they will be adults quite soon, so at some point it was all going to change anyway.

I do have other friends that are completely cool about it, and have dds that are busy too. So it is not the case for everyone, but just a handful, that seem reluctant to take the hint, even though the writing has been on the wall for years!

My SIL still insists her adult children of nearly 30 must be present at every single family event. I marvel at her ability to have that much say at this point - and she gets really confused when my dds don't come or are busy, she says it is family and comes before else according to them.

She’s going to be the MIL from hell one day...

Part of being a parent is developing a backbone, and a set of broad shoulders to protect and support your children.
Being made regularly to do things you dislike, for fear of upsetting someone is not a good life lesson. There will be times when they have to, but this isn’t one of them.
Your children are growing up, they’ve set reasonable boundaries. Please respect that and see your friends yourself.

I agree about SIL, hope her DC can find a backbone.

multi That is exactly where we are. Heads down. No time for anything else at all. The slight tricky aspect being that my friends older dc were not revising like this, and were fairly relaxed, so they carried on socialising as they did before, and so they don't really understand why we are different.

New So do you just see you friends for dinner/drinks now? Not inc dc at all and was that fine?
Some friends we see as adults and with dc - a mixture of both, and others we only ever do things together with dc up to now, and rarely have time to meet up for adult evenings. Unless it is a milestone birthday or similar. And it these friends that are putting me under pressure.

You absolutely shouldn’t force them. That’s effectively prioritising your friendship with these people over your own kids! Do you really want to do that? I know I wouldn’t. If the boot were on the other foot would they do the same for you?...

It won't hurt DDs to make some time for your friends' children. Things like this were part of family obligations when I was growing up. Similarly engaging with cousins, aunts, uncles, parents' colleagues children, that we rarely saw. It's just the polite thing to do. When they leave home they can be excused from such obligations, but while they're "under your roof"…

mini SIL is very demanding of dc and expects them to socialise with her not just at family events, but very often weekends as well. DC have no been able to branch off and make lives of their own, all live at home and none have dps, and it is all quite intense. Once the youngest DN refused as she was trying to finish off uni work, and it was pretty horrific the fallout and row. We tried to support her, and said we would rather she worked on her assignments, but no....it was awful!!

If your friends only want to see you with your DC, that suggests they are not really friends at all.

Absolutely you shouldn't force your DDs to go if they don't want to. "Societal obligations" is going to grandma's golden wedding anniversary party when you don't want to, not being forced to be polite to other teens you don't like, just because your parents are friends.

If this was a woman saying her DH was insisting she always went out with him and his friends and their wives, when she didn't like the friends or the wives, no one would think she was obliged to go.

p.s. most of the time my siblings and I actually enjoyed these encounters, even though that didn't prevent us from grumbling about them before and after.