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Original poster

Un-invited Future In-Laws to our Wedding, are we being unreasonable?

113 replies

Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 11:22

So, my Fiance and I have been together for 5 years, and throughout those 5 years, I have had a particularly tumultuous relationship with both his Mother and Father. They have been emotionally, mentally and on some occasions physically abusive towards not only me, but my Fiance, their Son.

Only recently, at their own Sons 21st birthday (Fiance's Brother), did they have an argument between themselves and Fiance's Grandparents, making a scene in a lovely restaurant and walked out. His Mother also shouted in both myself and my FBIL's Girlfriend's face and told me to "F*k off" at the top of her lungs in the Restaurant reception, when I had told her that she had upset us both.

They have now managed to in their deluded heads, spin the blame onto both myself and my Fiance, even though we had nothing to do with the argument in the first place! They have sent abusive texts to my Fiance and also a lovely paragraph dedicated to me on their hatred for me.

Originally, they were invited to our Wedding, but now we have decided that we don't want them there, and have un-invited them as if they are capable of ruining their own Sons 21st birthday and reducing him to tears, what else are they capable of?! You only have your special day once and I don't want to give them the opportunity to ruin it! Do you think we are being unreasonable in our decision?

OP posts:
DingDongDenny · 15/09/2020 11:26

Imagine standing there in your beautiful wedding dress and having her shout 'Fuck off' at you

Not worth the risk and they don't deserve to be there when they can't control themselves

KarmaStar · 15/09/2020 11:28

Yanbu,it's your day.I take it your fiance doesn't want them there either as you said we had decided.
I'm sure they will make much of it but those who matter will know why you've done it and will probably be relieved they won't be present.
Have a lovely day and don't give them a thought!

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 11:29

@DingDongDenny

Imagine standing there in your beautiful wedding dress and having her shout 'Fuck off' at you

Not worth the risk and they don't deserve to be there when they can't control themselves

Very true, had not thought of it like that! Shock

We have given them many chances to change, but they don't!

Don't want to make the huge mistake of allowing them to come and then regret the decision when they ruin the day that we have worked so hard to create for both ourselves and our guests!

OP posts:
DanielRicciardosSmile · 15/09/2020 11:30

YA absolutely 100% NBU.

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 11:31

@KarmaStar

Yanbu,it's your day.I take it your fiance doesn't want them there either as you said we had decided. I'm sure they will make much of it but those who matter will know why you've done it and will probably be relieved they won't be present. Have a lovely day and don't give them a thought!
Thank you @KarmaStar Smile Yes we have both decided together on this for the better.

None of my Family like them for all the trouble they have caused over the years, nor do my Friends or his Friends! Safe to say, they will not be missed by anyone!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 11:34

@DanielRicciardosSmile Thank you! I am glad that you all do not think we are being unreasonable! In our heart of hearts we knew we weren't, but we know how they will spin it to other people with a sob story and also how awful I am!

OP posts:
Inaseagull · 15/09/2020 11:35

Don't just stop at the wedding, cut the fuckers out of your lives completely. You could save yourselves years and years of heartache. Even better if you can get his brother and GF on board to present a united front.

Toxic parents/Inlaws Books by Susan Forward is often recommended reading on here.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2020 11:36

These nutters wouldn't have a place in my life at all, never mind at my wedding. Time to go NC.

GaryWilmottsTeeth · 15/09/2020 11:36

Do they know when/where the wedding is, if they were originally invited? If so, I'd consider changing it if there's a risk they might turn up.

FWIW, I decided long ago that my DF would never attend my wedding, as he was likely to do similar (and be shit faced drunk). It turned out he died before I got round to getting married, but I would have 100% stood by my decision.

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 11:41

@Inaseagull That is what we have done now, we have blocked all contact from them both to prevent a tirade of abusive messages and asked that if they do need to get in contact with us, that they go through my Fiancé's Brother.

The stories I could tell people, they would be shocked how many times we went back to try and have a relationship with them!

OP posts:
Ispini · 15/09/2020 11:41

@GaryWilmottsTeeth

Do they know when/where the wedding is, if they were originally invited? If so, I'd consider changing it if there's a risk they might turn up.

FWIW, I decided long ago that my DF would never attend my wedding, as he was likely to do similar (and be shit faced drunk). It turned out he died before I got round to getting married, but I would have 100% stood by my decision.

That was exactly my worry. Ensure they know nothing about any arrangements and luckily if they’re not liked by your family and friends they hopefully will not find out what’s going on. I’d not look in their direction ever again and you have to realize if you have kids their behaviour will only ramp up!
Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 11:44

@GaryWilmottsTeeth

Do they know when/where the wedding is, if they were originally invited? If so, I'd consider changing it if there's a risk they might turn up.

FWIW, I decided long ago that my DF would never attend my wedding, as he was likely to do similar (and be shit faced drunk). It turned out he died before I got round to getting married, but I would have 100% stood by my decision.

Well, they know both the Date and Town of the Wedding, probably where the Ceremony is going to be held also as we sent these on Save The Dates as we are having a destination wedding. However they do not know the time of the Ceremony, nor the address for the Reception afterwards and we will be ensuring that all Guests know the situation and that the Wedding Planner is aware also!
OP posts:
Friendsoftheearth · 15/09/2020 11:47

Enjoy your day, you don't need us to tell you are doing the right thing. It is obvious to anyone you have made the right decision. Flowers

endofthelinefinally · 15/09/2020 11:47

Please tell me your future DH is going to go no contact with them.

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 11:48

@Friendsoftheearth Thank you! Hopefully it will be a lovely day! SmileStar

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 15/09/2020 11:48

I'd possibly set up passwords for wedding companies so the6 can't maliciously mess with your arrangements.
Tbh I'd have gone no contact way before this if there's such a big history.

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 11:50

@endofthelinefinally Yes, he has said he wants nothing more to do with them. He's had enough of the abuse also. He thought it may of stopped when we moved into our first House together... but clearly it hasn't!

It upsets me as I feel guilty that I am the problem and the reason he won't have contact with his Parents, even though I have gone above and beyond to try and make it work!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 11:52

@forrestgreen I think that may be worth doing, as they are the type of people to possibly do that!

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 15/09/2020 11:54

[quote Lexmerrie]@endofthelinefinally Yes, he has said he wants nothing more to do with them. He's had enough of the abuse also. He thought it may of stopped when we moved into our first House together... but clearly it hasn't!

It upsets me as I feel guilty that I am the problem and the reason he won't have contact with his Parents, even though I have gone above and beyond to try and make it work! [/quote]
No, you are not the problem. People like this would behave badly anyway. It sounds as if you have done your best.

KihoBebiluPute · 15/09/2020 11:54

YANBU if your fiance is in full agreement with the decision (and not just agreeing for your sake) They do sound a nightmare but cutting them out to the extent of getting married without them is a huge step. I would actually consider either postponing the wedding, or going ahead with a private ceremony with no one except 2 stranger witnesses, rather than having a wedding to which one half of the family is invited and the other half isn't. That will cause a wound very difficult to heal. But they have brought it upon themselves.

perfumeistooexpensive · 15/09/2020 12:00

Going NC will be a relief. We've done it with DSS and his DW. I've been beaten up by her and suffered horrific abuse on SM. It's a weight lifted. My DH who is quite poorly had decided that he won't have a funeral in case they cause trouble.

titchy · 15/09/2020 12:00

that if they do need to get in contact with us, that they go through my Fiancé's Brother.

Definitely the right decision to go NC. But I wince a bit at the above - it's not really fair to put this onto your younger BIL. He may well want to go NC (he should!) but feel unable to if he is the only contact between you and them.

SJaneS48 · 15/09/2020 12:00

Don’t feel guilty, it sounds like DP is in complete agreement with you and really, enough is enough. You’ve done the right thing - it’s not a nice thing to have to have done but it was necessary. Just keep blocking them - hopefully they wouldn’t be spiteful enough to just turn up or try to spoil things (most people wouldn’t) but if you reckon they would then you might need to rethink the wedding.

DH’s first wedding was ruined by the ex- in laws upset that their daughter wasn’t marrying in a Catholic Church but a ‘Proddy’ one. None of them attended the ceremony as they wouldn’t set foot in the church, then they started shouting abuse in the wedding reception ending up with my DH’s ex MIL smashing the cake. It was an absolutely awful start to DHs marriage that cast a long shadow for ages.

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 12:01

@KihoBebiluPute

YANBU if your fiance is in full agreement with the decision (and not just agreeing for your sake) They do sound a nightmare but cutting them out to the extent of getting married without them is a huge step. I would actually consider either postponing the wedding, or going ahead with a private ceremony with no one except 2 stranger witnesses, rather than having a wedding to which one half of the family is invited and the other half isn't. That will cause a wound very difficult to heal. But they have brought it upon themselves.
Yes, he is. He is exhausted with the constant bad behaviour from them. We at least have three massive arguments with them each year caused by them on most of the time something they don't agree with/have a different opinion on.

We are so excited for our Wedding with mostly our close Friends and only immediate Family on my side (6 people) who are like Family to him also as he lived with my Mum for two years due to their awful behaviour. His Brother is also coming as he is Best Man for him, but even his Brother agrees to do whatever is best for ourselves, she he isn't even trying to change our minds.

I think enough has been done already to leave deep scars for a lifetime.

OP posts:
peardrops1 · 15/09/2020 12:01

PLEASE DO NOT HAVE THESE FUCKERS AT YOUR WEDDING!!!!!! Or in your life full stop.

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