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Original poster

Un-invited Future In-Laws to our Wedding, are we being unreasonable?

113 replies

Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 11:22

So, my Fiance and I have been together for 5 years, and throughout those 5 years, I have had a particularly tumultuous relationship with both his Mother and Father. They have been emotionally, mentally and on some occasions physically abusive towards not only me, but my Fiance, their Son.

Only recently, at their own Sons 21st birthday (Fiance's Brother), did they have an argument between themselves and Fiance's Grandparents, making a scene in a lovely restaurant and walked out. His Mother also shouted in both myself and my FBIL's Girlfriend's face and told me to "F*k off" at the top of her lungs in the Restaurant reception, when I had told her that she had upset us both.

They have now managed to in their deluded heads, spin the blame onto both myself and my Fiance, even though we had nothing to do with the argument in the first place! They have sent abusive texts to my Fiance and also a lovely paragraph dedicated to me on their hatred for me.

Originally, they were invited to our Wedding, but now we have decided that we don't want them there, and have un-invited them as if they are capable of ruining their own Sons 21st birthday and reducing him to tears, what else are they capable of?! You only have your special day once and I don't want to give them the opportunity to ruin it! Do you think we are being unreasonable in our decision?

OP posts:
tara66 · 15/09/2020 14:40

Haven't read many PP but would advise you send registered letter to PILs telling them not to come to your wedding as they would not be welcome because of their behaviour and that they will not be admitted if they turn up. Have someone on hand to turn them away.

1forAll74 · 15/09/2020 14:47

Yes, leave them out of the wedding and all things. The question is, why are these people so horrible and nasty and such trouble makers.The type of people who have no manners or any redeeming features at all.

IntermittentParps · 15/09/2020 14:58

They have been emotionally, mentally and on some occasions physically abusive towards not only me, but my Fiance, their Son.

I don't know why you've continued to have contact with them at all, let alone got to the stage where you have to uninvite them from your wedding.

Leaannb · 15/09/2020 15:01

[quote Lexmerrie]@Inaseagull That is what we have done now, we have blocked all contact from them both to prevent a tirade of abusive messages and asked that if they do need to get in contact with us, that they go through my Fiancé's Brother.

The stories I could tell people, they would be shocked how many times we went back to try and have a relationship with them! [/quote]
Its not your finances brither's job to triangulation between the group of you. If you go no contact that means no contact even through third parties....Also, you are taking the pics by having brother deal with them on your behalf

Laurapb88 · 15/09/2020 15:04

My mother in law told my dh he had to choose between me and her said she wasn't coming to the wedding made brother in law say the same made up so many lies it being beyond ridiculous when she said she would stand at the back of the church I put my foot down and told her she either sits and the front and supports her son or I will kick her out, she also made me plan a meal for dh 30th because she wanted one he didn't she spent the entire meal throwing dirty looks at me and my mum and said she was sick of hearing about my la di da pregnancy bearing in mind we had been trying for years and it was an ivf pregnancy we took our son to meet my dh nan and mil came over said awe cute and said she had to go because she had spaghetti on, so I think you are 1000% right to just not invite them and keep them out of your life its much less painful in the long run xx

Arthersleep · 15/09/2020 15:07

They sound dreadful. However, I am not sure that it was either necessary or helpful to argue with them in the restaurant reception when it wasn't your argument to get involved with. Tbh, you all sound rather feisty!

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 15:10

@Arthersleep, there was no argument in the Reception from either my DF or myself, just FMIL telling me to f off in response to me telling her at talking noise level that she had upset both myself and FBIL's GF

OP posts:
Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 15:11

[quote Lexmerrie]@Arthersleep, there was no argument in the Reception from either my DF or myself, just FMIL telling me to f off in response to me telling her at talking noise level that she had upset both myself and FBIL's GF[/quote]
@Arthersleep As FMIL was actually confused as to why FBIL's GF was crying/upset and didn't think she had done anything wrong.

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/09/2020 15:26

It’s your wedding so your guest list. I hope you can all move on after and get some closure. It’s awful having family disputes hanging over your head. This might be the nail in the coffin you all need x

OhCaptain · 15/09/2020 15:37

What actually caused the argument and how did you end up being the one to tell her she’d caused upset?

I ask because she sounds exactly like my MIL and only for you said your BIL is younger I would have sworn you were my BIL’s fiancée! 🤣🤣 And she ALWAYS found a way to blame me for the most random things!

In our case, she’s out of our lives for good. Didn’t come to the wedding. Doesn’t have anything to do with our dc.

And even if she came back on her knees I wouldn’t allow her toxicity to be around my children.

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 15:44

@OhCaptain

What actually caused the argument and how did you end up being the one to tell her she’d caused upset?

I ask because she sounds exactly like my MIL and only for you said your BIL is younger I would have sworn you were my BIL’s fiancée! 🤣🤣 And she ALWAYS found a way to blame me for the most random things!

In our case, she’s out of our lives for good. Didn’t come to the wedding. Doesn’t have anything to do with our dc.

And even if she came back on her knees I wouldn’t allow her toxicity to be around my children.

Well this is the thing, my FBIL's GF and I were just chatting and we could hear a heated discussion between both FMIL and her DM. Her DM then stormed out of the restaurant. I told FMIL to not allow her DM to spoil the night for FBIL's birthday, however she completely did a full turn and shouted in both FBIL's GF and my face, storming off after she had done so. To this day, I do not know what the argument was about and why I deserved to be told to "F**k off"!
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Afibtomyboy · 15/09/2020 15:56

I really feel for the other patrons, having to witness and listen to this drama and language.

Happynow001 · 15/09/2020 16:01

@Bumlooksbig

About 5 years after that, my DD received a letter from her Grandpa on her birthday. She was very excited to open it but it wasn't a card or money or present or anything like that. It was a letter telling her that her Grandma had died 5 years previously and describing her last moments in gruesome detail. Apparently it had been her dying wish that DH NOT be told but as she was 14 her Grandpa thought "she should know the truth".
My goodness there are some evil people in the world! May he gets what he deserves at the end of his life. 🌹

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 16:02

@Afibtomyboy I know, we were both mortified and apologised to the waiting staff on the whole families behalf!

Just feel so devastated for DF's DB as it was such a special birthday for him and he didn't even get to blow out his candles!

OP posts:
Roomba · 15/09/2020 16:03

You are absolutely, 100%, not BU, OP.

If the incident at the 21st had been a one off out of character incident, then you'd wonder what on earth was going on, maybe there was something incredibly stressful happening in their lives and they lashed out unacceptably. But this is just who they are. They've done the me things like this repeatedly, with no apology or acceptance that they are in the wrong. There's no way in hell I'd allow them anywhere near my wedding, in laws or not.

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 16:08

@Roomba

You are absolutely, 100%, not BU, OP.

If the incident at the 21st had been a one off out of character incident, then you'd wonder what on earth was going on, maybe there was something incredibly stressful happening in their lives and they lashed out unacceptably. But this is just who they are. They've done the me things like this repeatedly, with no apology or acceptance that they are in the wrong. There's no way in hell I'd allow them anywhere near my wedding, in laws or not.

Thank you @Roomba this is exactly what we have been saying. If you are capable enough to ruin your own DS's 21st Birthday, reducing him to tears and then be that delusional and twist the narrative and deny any fault to what happened, they are certainly not welcome at such a day where you only want to be surrounded by people that love, care and support you as a couple!
OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtains · 15/09/2020 16:39

I wouldn't invite your future BIL to be the 'flying monkey' in this. it's not fair on him.

Long-term, it's much saner to adopt a 'Don't want to hear it' approach both ways and all ways. No-one in the middle, no one walking on egg shells, no whispers from the side.

Just, 'We don't want to hear it'.

OhCaptain · 15/09/2020 16:43

@Lexmerrie God, even the grandmother was in on it??

IT just cements my view that none of them should be anywhere near your wedding! Flowers

Candyflosscookie · 15/09/2020 16:53

@Laurapb88 did she hate you because you don't use full stops and sentences? Grin

Candyflosscookie · 15/09/2020 16:58

Yes of course YANBU and frankly I applaud you being able to make this decision now and not endure years more shite before finally cutting them out. They sound absolutely batshit and hugely narcissistic to make their son's 21st all about their drama.

Leaannb · 15/09/2020 17:01

@Lexmarroe...Sk if this brother was so traumatized by his parents crying and not being able yo blow out his birthday candles, why do you think its ok to jave him act as your meat shield? Why put him in the line of fire by making him pay go between you and your inlaws...That pretty shotty behavior from you and your boyfriend

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 17:04

@Leaannb My DF's DB actually suggested it for such emergencies as Family being Ill/Passing away. Other than that, all other contact will not be made.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 15/09/2020 17:27

[quote Lexmerrie]@Leaannb My DF's DB actually suggested it for such emergencies as Family being Ill/Passing away. Other than that, all other contact will not be made.[/quote]
Like I said that is really shitty even if he offered it. Its either No contact or low contact. Its a bitchy move to force him to be in contact with his abusers on your behalf. Sure brother take all the abuse from them jist let us know when someone gets sick or dies while we don't have to worry about their abuse....Wow...If you would do that to a brother, someone you love I would hate to be your friend

JamieLeeCurtains · 15/09/2020 17:30

@Lexmerrie if they think for a minute that you'll rush to sick beds and be interested in impending funerals, there will be a long and endless drip of 'cancer scares' and 'tests' and 'mystery symptoms', along with baffled specialists, undertakers on standby and suit fittings for pall bearers.

Original poster
Lexmerrie · 15/09/2020 17:43

@Leaannb thank you for your opinion, although I think I will disagree. I am glad I am not your friend also with that message.

OP posts:
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