Un-invited Future In-Laws to our Wedding, are we being unreasonable?

[Lexmerrie]

So, my Fiance and I have been together for 5 years, and throughout those 5 years, I have had a particularly tumultuous relationship with both his Mother and Father. They have been emotionally, mentally and on some occasions physically abusive towards not only me, but my Fiance, their Son.

Only recently, at their own Sons 21st birthday (Fiance's Brother), did they have an argument between themselves and Fiance's Grandparents, making a scene in a lovely restaurant and walked out. His Mother also shouted in both myself and my FBIL's Girlfriend's face and told me to "F*k off" at the top of her lungs in the Restaurant reception, when I had told her that she had upset us both.

They have now managed to in their deluded heads, spin the blame onto both myself and my Fiance, even though we had nothing to do with the argument in the first place! They have sent abusive texts to my Fiance and also a lovely paragraph dedicated to me on their hatred for me.

Originally, they were invited to our Wedding, but now we have decided that we don't want them there, and have un-invited them as if they are capable of ruining their own Sons 21st birthday and reducing him to tears, what else are they capable of?! You only have your special day once and I don't want to give them the opportunity to ruin it! Do you think we are being unreasonable in our decision?

Totally agree with OP. Not invited and if you show up you'll be removed.

I didn't invite any of my cousins to my wedding as at other events their behavior was drunken disorderly and rude. Your wedding, your choice.

The amount of emotional blackmail that goes on regarding weddings and guest lists etc. is awful.

@titchy

that if they do need to get in contact with us, that they go through my Fiancé's Brother.

Definitely the right decision to go NC. But I wince a bit at the above - it's not really fair to put this onto your younger BIL. He may well want to go NC (he should!) but feel unable to if he is the only contact between you and them.

He still unfortunately lives with them, so is remaining civil with them until he is able to move out. We have explained the situation to him and he isn't bothered with the arrangement, as it allows him to have peace when he is living with them. Feel so sorry for him though, the only reason he lives there and puts up with their behaviour is because he can't afford to move out. We have offered for him to move in with us and that the door is always open to him though.

YANBU and I would seriously consider either hiring a bouncer or having one or two burly friends / family on alert at the wedding to make sure they don't show up and try to get in. That way you don't need to get involved on the day if any shenanigans do occur.

It upsets me as I feel guilty that I am the problem and the reason he won't have contact with his Parents, even though I have gone above and beyond to try and make it work!

They sound the type of people who would argue in an empty room.

@WinterAndRoughWeather

YANBU and I would seriously consider either hiring a bouncer or having one or two burly friends / family on alert at the wedding to make sure they don't show up and try to get in. That way you don't need to get involved on the day if any shenanigans do occur.

Yeah, we have a few guests who will fit the bill perfectly, plus an Auntie flying over from New Zealand that takes no prisoners!

@KatherineJaneway Oh yes they are! The thing is there is always an excuse for their bad behaviour! A couple of years ago, it was because she was going through the menopause. Now it's because his Mother has had some bad blood test results and is now telling everyone she has Cancer/Leukaemia when she hasn't even been diagnosed with the disease yet! They have actually used that as an excuse for their behaviour on their own Sons 21st behaviour!

Not being unreasonable in the slightest. You want your wedding day to be as close to perfect as possible, and they've shown themselves quite clearly to be a risk to that. They have shown that they cannot behave like reasonable adults at special events. They wouldn't be invited to my wedding if I was you, either. You can do without spending your day worrying about if/when they might kick off.

Op

This is like a storyline in eastenders.
Utterly alien to me tbh to be engaging in anything like this!

What’s the relationship like with you fiancé? Does he have any grasp of what a normal marriage is if this was his childhood experience?

We have offered for him to move in with us and that the door is always open to him though.

Why hasn’t he?

@Afibtomyboy I know! We both joke to ourselves about that! I don't think he does to be fair! I feel so devastated for him! We could actually write a book on how messed up and toxic his Family are! Although they are the type to post all over Facebook how happy and perfect they are but just scratch slightly beneath the surface and you will find all types of skeletons!

@Afibtomyboy I think he feels as though he doesn't want to cause more aggro with them and also doesn't want to put us out, which he wouldn't! I think he is also in slight denial that he parents aren't the people he thought they were.

Well done for getting rid. Keep them away from you both and from any future children you may have.

Are you quite young OP? Your in laws sound like mine and we were young too - got together at 18, moved in together at 19, engaged at 19, married at 20, DD born when we were 24. They didn't come to our wedding either (and they're not together). They said they weren't going to so we didn't send them invites. MIL called BIL on the morning if the wedding asking for the address of the venue etc so she should show up and cause a huge scene, thankfully he had our backs and didn't divulge anything. DH's father totally abandoned him after we got engaged and now wants to be in contact since he's dying just to try and get free care/labour out of him. His DM hasn't spoken to him since shortly after our 2 year was born but recently called him to tell him he should go and do free labour for his DF and then went on a rant about how he only wasn't doing it because I was telling him not to . I dunno about the merits of NC exactly as that can cause issues itself sometimes but definitely LC is the way forward with people like that. And don't feel guilty, it's nothing to do with you. You could be anyone else and they'd be the same. My MIL slags my BIL's wife off too and they very rarely see each other others BIL almost always visits her alone.

This will probably get deleted, but I say this as someone who's DM died of cancer so fully understand the implications in what I am about to say.

Now it's because his Mother has had some bad blood test results and is now telling everyone she has Cancer/Leukaemia when she hasn't even been diagnosed with the disease yet!

I hope she's right, for your sake. It would certainly cut the cancer out of your lives.

@MeadowHay We got together at 18, Engaged at 21 and I am soon to be 23, so yeah, I would say I am fairly young. Sounds horrible what you have gone through/going through! I don't understand these toxic MIL's & FIL's, why can't they just be nice and normal!

YANBU, they could ruin one of the most special days of your life. xxx

Fuck her. Well done to you both, OP! This is a toxic situation, you needed to remove yourself from it. A wedding is stressful as it is, you want to make sure that on the day nothing dulls your sparkle!

@ArnoJambonsBike It is sad to say, but we have both said this! My Fiancé told me and a close Friend the other night that he hates his Mother that much that he wouldn't care if she died!

We uninvited mil from our wedding. No regrets. Even when she emailed all her friends playing the sympathy card.. 5 years +of blissful absence... Def recommend it..

@Sunnydaysstillhere Glad to hear from someone else that has taken this step! Yeah, time is a healer, and we don't want to continue building a relationship back up, for them to behave the way they do wreck everything!

@Lexmerrie don't understand these toxic MIL's & FIL's, why can't they just be nice and norm

And you never will! You did what was best for you and you should keep doing that!

It upsets me as I feel guilty that I am the problem and the reason he won't have contact with his Parents, even though I have gone above and beyond to try and make it work!

Please don’t think that. They would have picked fights with whoever their son chose - they’re already doing it with the brother’s girlfriend after all.

Embrace the fact that whatever decision you made would have been the wrong one in their eyes; therefore, make the one that suits you both best. If you did invite them, they’d complain you were having them there under sufferance, they weren’t being made welcome etc. They’d argue that your family were at a better table, the food would be wrong, not enough champagne... they’ll be shitty either way, so you may as well have them be shitty but not at your wedding.

Yanbu, absolutely not !!!

@StillCoughingandLaughing

It upsets me as I feel guilty that I am the problem and the reason he won't have contact with his Parents, even though I have gone above and beyond to try and make it work!

Please don’t think that. They would have picked fights with whoever their son chose - they’re already doing it with the brother’s girlfriend after all.

Embrace the fact that whatever decision you made would have been the wrong one in their eyes; therefore, make the one that suits you both best. If you did invite them, they’d complain you were having them there under sufferance, they weren’t being made welcome etc. They’d argue that your family were at a better table, the food would be wrong, not enough champagne... they’ll be shitty either way, so you may as well have them be shitty but not at your wedding.

Exactly, she was already kicking up a fuss as she wanted to walk down the aisle with DF's Father, after we had explained the order of procession we would like. She told us, she didn't want to be coming in as a "common person" with everyone else!

I can’t believe three people think you’re being unreasonable!