Un-invited Future In-Laws to our Wedding, are we being unreasonable?

[Lexmerrie]

So, my Fiance and I have been together for 5 years, and throughout those 5 years, I have had a particularly tumultuous relationship with both his Mother and Father. They have been emotionally, mentally and on some occasions physically abusive towards not only me, but my Fiance, their Son.

Only recently, at their own Sons 21st birthday (Fiance's Brother), did they have an argument between themselves and Fiance's Grandparents, making a scene in a lovely restaurant and walked out. His Mother also shouted in both myself and my FBIL's Girlfriend's face and told me to "F*k off" at the top of her lungs in the Restaurant reception, when I had told her that she had upset us both.

They have now managed to in their deluded heads, spin the blame onto both myself and my Fiance, even though we had nothing to do with the argument in the first place! They have sent abusive texts to my Fiance and also a lovely paragraph dedicated to me on their hatred for me.

Originally, they were invited to our Wedding, but now we have decided that we don't want them there, and have un-invited them as if they are capable of ruining their own Sons 21st birthday and reducing him to tears, what else are they capable of?! You only have your special day once and I don't want to give them the opportunity to ruin it! Do you think we are being unreasonable in our decision?

My potential MIL is an absolute cow and I have no doubt whatsoever that she would try to make our wedding day all about her, since everything is always all about her.

It honestly makes me dread the idea of getting married to my partner and I certainly wouldn’t spend any large sum of money on the ceremony if she was invited; she’d be theatrically crying, making a scene and playing fucking mind games the whole time and it would just be money down the drain.

Don’t risk it... you did the right thing disinviting them

Families can be very complicated. DH had a love hate relationship with his parents. They were very odd. Didn't come to our wedding because they didn't receive a gilt edged invitation. We were poor students with no money, rang family and friends to say we were getting hitched at the registry office the following month. My dear parents didn't bat an eyelid. Pitched up with wedding cake and flowers, drove 500 miles and slept on the floor in our flat. But they knew DH and thoroughly approved, They would have done anything. Friends came from all over the world. A friend who was a nurse swapped shifts and jumped on the sleeper, came to the wedding, jumped on another sleeper, went back to work.

Anyway, I was secretly glad that future MiL and FiL didn't come as I had a wonderful day and nothing to spoil it. When DD came along my parents were sadly dead and we had to make a big effort to drive down to see MiL and FiL in England. They only once came to Scotland and moaned the whole time. I also took time off work and they refused to go anywhere. And then a few years after that they DISOWNED DH over some stupid argument he wasn't even involved in which actually involved his DS, refused to have anything more to do with him and burnt all his photos.

About 5 years after that, my DD received a letter from her Grandpa on her birthday. She was very excited to open it but it wasn't a card or money or present or anything like that. It was a letter telling her that her Grandma had died 5 years previously and describing her last moments in gruesome detail. Apparently it had been her dying wish that DH NOT be told but as she was 14 her Grandpa thought "she should know the truth".

The reason I am telling you all of this OP, is that in-laws can be extremely f&cked up and cause untold damage, not just to your and your spouse but to you DC in the future so please, please go with your instincts and go ahead and have your big day without them. Because I am SO glad they never came to mine.

Will you permit me the pleasure of making the FO call?

Haven't RTFT but in similar circ's I've seen the advice to have 4-6 burly male guests (e.g. groom's friends) who are willing to act as marshals at the ceremony & reception, keep the in-laws away if they try to attend, etc, all with as little fuss as possible.

Bloody hell. Are these your Outlaws OP? YADNBU.

They physically assaulted you??? Literally physically assaulted you?

The police would have been involved immediately and I would never have had them near me again. And if my DH didn’t fully support me he would have been history too. Why would you even contemplate being part of such a toxic family. When you marry someone you are marrying into their family, bringing children into the mix is unthinkable. I couldn’t imagine loving anyone enough to put myself and my potential children at risk of physical abuse.

I know what I would do.

I can’t believe three people think you’re being unreasonable!

@VinylDetective, It is probably DF's lovely In-Laws

If ever I saw a case for a clean break and a future of absolutely zero contact, this is it. They are abusive yobs. The only unreasonable thing to do would be to ever allow your future children to be exposed to a 'family' like this.

My in-laws were not at our wedding either. They are not louts, but they are passive aggressive, negative people who constantly create tension. They would have found fault no matter what we did, as they had with the last family wedding (BiL did nothing but take the piss out of SiL, the bride, all day, and FiL launched a blisteringly disparaging attack on his former wife (MiL) as part of his father of the bride speech. It was toe-curling)!

We eloped; oddly enough not because of them, but because of my mum's fairly recent death and my anticipated sadness at her yawning absence on that day. Plus my husband hates weddings and big parties, so win-win for him. His family of course decided it was all about them and took it as a deliberate slight, but the strange thing is they take so little interest in my husband it didn't even occur to me that they might mind in the first place. They did, and as ever it was all my fault, because in these circumstances it's always the woman who gets the blame!

We've never regretted our lovely, quiet, angst-free, blissful day for an instant. We had a beautiful wedding on the continent with just four guests, and if we could go back in time we'd do it all exactly the same way.

Congratulations and I hope you have just as lovely a wedding day

@Handsoffisback Are we talking about the same Family here?!

It is shocking that this is not a rare occasion for people to experience. We have now vowed to each other, that if we do have DC, that we would never behave in the way they have to both their DC and FDIL's.

How on earth do you think it's your fault?

It really really isn't.

You do know she would definitely be wearing a white dress if she came..

Dreadful behaviour and I don't blame you. However I do wonder into what sort of family you are marrying. I cannot imagine, my relatives or my husband's making a scene in public or swearing, neither would I or my adult child. None of us is perfect but there are standards of etiquette.

It is very weird and uncontrolled behaviour so do think about it before you commit.

How on earth do you think it's your fault? It really really isn't.

@Ellmau, I think it is because of the amount of emotional abuse we have both suffered from them over the years, that starts to make you doubt your own actions, even though there is no plausible reason to doubt yourself. I am very lucky to have an amazing Family who is always behind us every step of the way, supporting us in every way they can!

You do know she would definitely be wearing a white dress if she came..

@Sunnydaysstillhere, so many people have said this to me, especially when she was causing aggro over not walking down the aisle with DF's Father!

@jessstan2

Dreadful behaviour and I don't blame you. However I do wonder into what sort of family you are marrying. I cannot imagine, my relatives or my husband's making a scene in public or swearing, neither would I or my adult child. None of us is perfect but there are standards of etiquette.

It is very weird and uncontrolled behaviour so do think about it before you commit.

I know, I was utterly embarrassed sat at the Table. We were definitely the nights entertainment for sure! As they had all left the table arguing in the reception, we had to front the bill which was £150.00 and collect the Birthday Cake from the Waiter as we hadn't even managed to reach Desserts! Prior to the argument breaking out, DF's DM had shouted at the waiter as there was a wait on Food and when it arrived, that it didn't look like what it had said on the menu!

My mil rang the hire shop and tried to change the tartan dh had chosen for his outfit!! Maybe make people aware any change of decisions have to be made via you directly..

@Sunnydaysstillhere, I think we will be setting something like that up, just to cover us! I think they are capable of anything! Especially ruining our special day.

Have a look on YouTube at the woman who kicked off when the dw to be spoke her vows which included loving him despite his flaws. His dm started raging he didn't have any flaws!! All kicked off!!

@DingDongDenny

Imagine standing there in your beautiful wedding dress and having her shout 'Fuck off' at you

Not worth the risk and they don't deserve to be there when they can't control themselves

I saw this done in a video on YouTube!

I don't think there is any law that says you have to keep nasty, abusive, toxic family members in your life so, if your fiance feels the same as you, then cut these awful people out of your lives. Life is too short to be wasted on the likes of them

You would regret forever inviting them! Take the advice to position some tasty blokes around the entrances to keep them out and maybe have a 'show your invite' condition to get into the reception.

[quote Lexmerrie]@Sunnydaysstillhere, I think we will be setting something like that up, just to cover us! I think they are capable of anything! Especially ruining our special day.[/quote]
The advice is to set up a code word with the supplier, in case anyone rings up & says they're you.

@jessstan2

Dreadful behaviour and I don't blame you. However I do wonder into what sort of family you are marrying. I cannot imagine, my relatives or my husband's making a scene in public or swearing, neither would I or my adult child. None of us is perfect but there are standards of etiquette.

It is very weird and uncontrolled behaviour so do think about it before you commit.

I see where you're coming from here! When a colleague whom I'd come to really like introduced me to his husband I realised he'd married the brother of a former neighbour of mine.

This neighbour was the head of a deeply antisocial family of about 9, all of whom were constantly variously beating up their classmates, stealing school property, being arrested for thieving/violence/drugdealing etc depending on their age. My own kids had run-ins with them.

I thought 'I can't be friendly with this couple!' but soon learned that Hubby was actually nothing like his brother and is one of the nicest people I know. The same seems to apply here!

@TenDays, definitely, my DF couldn't be any far from the monsters that his Family are bar his DB. We just hope and wish that his DB and GF don't go through the same sh*t show that we had to go through to finally realise they are too toxic to involve in our lives.