Parents of toddlers with eating disorders...

[OR101]

Probably the wrong place to post but looking for advice please.

My baby is nearly 2, since around 9 months, problems with food started to occur, such as completely dropped a meal time, refused to try any new foods since 9 months old. Only eats one brand of dinner (think shepards pie, cow and Gate brand, wouldn't eat shepards pie tesco brand) refuses any thing home made. No fruit, cheese, ham. Won't eat chips, pasta, chicken, veg, just basically anything.

Has porridge for breakfast,
Stopped eating lunch, will eat wotsits, so I offer that now because I don't like that nothing is being consumed from morning till night. I used to put all finger foods out. Which was eaten until 9 months.
And the one brand of dinner.

When I try to speak to people in real life, I get comments such as yeah baby's can be fussy, but just in my gut feeling it's more than just fussy. If anyone has had any thing similar with their LO, did it turn out to be an eating disorder? Is there any tips i could try? Even though I feel like I've tried everything. I am willing to try more.

Just a side note all other aspects of general development seem ok to me.

Thank you in advance x

So no you dont.

I'm not sure what point it is you're getting at?

@Gancanny

I'm not sure what point it is you're getting at?

Sounds like the typical “I can force my children to eat so everyone else must be lying or pandering” bullshit that comes out on these threads!

Sod the fact ARFID and restrictive eating disorders are medically recognised problems. Someone with no experience obviously knows best!

@theboldtype

My children have tried to be fussy at certain times. To me it’s a sign they aren’t that hungry. So I don’t serve them anything else. I’ll serve them the same thing reheated the next morning for breakfast and if it’s not touched I’ll serve it again for lunch. At some point they seem to change their minds and happily eat what I put in front of them. Last night my 22 month old and 3.5 year old refused to eat the casserole I put in front of them. They went to bed without anything else and were both served it for breakfast. The eldest ate it and the youngest threw a tantrum for a banana. He didn’t get the banana and so after an half an hour he changed his mind and indicated he wanted to go back in his high chair for the casserole. Which he then ate the lot of quite happily.

That's horrific. Poor kids.

Sounds like the typical “I can force my children to eat so everyone else must be lying or pandering” bullshit that comes out on these threads! Sod the fact ARFID and restrictive eating disorders are medically recognised problems. Someone with no experience obviously knows best!

Or the "ARFID doesn't exist in countries with limited food resources" (it does) or "ARFID didn't exist in the past" (it did).

This has been going on over a year, how much milk is baby having? How about weight gain? I'm horrified the HV hasn't asked you about feeding since 9 months

I think people who are accusing theboldtype being horrible etc are being too personal and harsh.
The method that works for some children won't work for others. I know my ds's food refusal is related to other factors like texture of food and forcing won't work. But I also don't know how it works for children with no issues. We only know what works with our own.

It's horrible to hear that people saying we are creating fussy eaters ourselves by allowing them to eat only what they like. But calling people who is using different methods without knowing full context abusive/horrible etc is equally nasty. Not every one would force their child to eat them after it's moldy. That's extreme.

You need to push for a referral OP. That is very concerning behaviour. The lining up of food and food refusal does sound like autism. Get on the list now as in most places it can take years to get a diagnosis. Perhaps have a read here:

www.nytimes.com/2007/08/23/nyregion/23eating.html?referringSource=articleShare

Has anyone read the book ‘Getting the little blighters to eat’?
My toddler and 6 Year old aren’t overly fussy but it has helped with some strategies to help avoid meal battles. Actually, much of it is similar to @Gancanny ‘s dietician. I have found it really helpful.
I’m sorry OP that you’re having this struggle. I think speaking to your HV would be really helpful.

The point I'm getting at @Gancanny is that I wish people wouldn't drag "kids from poorer countries " in to prop up their arguement (either for or against something) when they have no knowledge of these countries or data to support their assertions.

Neither you or I know how eating disorders play out in cultures very different from our own. FWIW (and I've lived in very rural west Africa) I think in some places they may actually have less impact as food choices are so very limited that eating 2 or 3 foods (same taste, same texture) each day for the whole of your life is the norm.

But the truth is I dont know and neither do you. And I made no comment at all about forcing children to eat so that's yet more meaningless speculation on your part.

In your shoes I would contact GP and/or health visitor for advice. I don't mean to worry you but I think you're right to be concerned. My DD has actually always been a fussy eater right since the beginning of weaning at 6m, but nothing like as severe as you're describing. In the meantime I would focus on offering what you're having with every meal and trying to put no pressure on the child at meal times. I think your child playing with the food they don't eat might actually be beneficial in the long term, I'm not an expert but I seem to remember reading or watching something about children that struggle to try new foods and I think it encouraged children to begin in steps starting with touching the new food so that is positive. It sounds like they are happy to have the new food on their plate and mess about with it? Also positive (when my DD doesn't want something she will sometimes make "yuck" noises etc and she won't tolerate it staying on her plate, it has to go on my plate/table/(floor! - she's 2).

Regarding all the discussion of bolds approach, I don't think I would recommend anything like that for you without professional advice because this is a long ingrained thing with your DC basically as long as they've been on solids properly and I would be wary about suddenly changing their routines and making things worse. However I think criticism of bold has been too harsh and I do think that approach, or similar, can work out ok for children without SEN/medical issues relating to food. I don't think my approach is quite as strict as bold's - for example, I wouldn't offer an uneaten dinner for breakfast, and I rarely keep an uneaten dinner at all really. But I will do things like offer breakfast of something I know she likes and if she doesn't want it and asks for something else then I just leave it out and she eats it later. I wouldn't offer anything else. Likewise if she doesn't hardly eat any lunch, if I know it's something she's happily eaten before I will keep it for her and re offer her it after her nap when she asks for a snack. And I don't give free rein over what she eats for snacks/when she eats them. I think my current approach seems to be working best for my child and have seen some small improvements in her eating since we muddled through and found this approach (after trying various other things in the past) but I appreciate all children are different and will respond to different things. I think no pressure to eat is likely one of the most important things. There is never pressure on my DD to eat a meal. If she doesn't want to eat them she is free to play or watch TV or whatever else she wants without any resistance on our part, and if she wants to come back to the meal an hour later then she can and we will keep it for her to eat then.

Our dietician said exactly the same as gancannys so there is some helpful advice there, but you need to get your own referral as all children are different and have different needs.

@theboldtype I don't think what you've said is bad, people like to get defensive when they feel their decisions are questioned. On top of that you came back clarified, apologized and still people aren't happy. Sometime you can never win!

Gancanny what a wonderful list of advice 🥰

My first DC is similar to this - not so extreme but we had over a year between 9 months (following a stomach bug) and about 2 years where he refused to eat anything I cooked. He would eat things like sandwiches, cucumber, fruit and so on - so a wider repertoire than your DC - but no home-cooked food. His preferred dinner was Ella’s Kitchen pouches (stage 2, no lumps - he wouldn’t eat the stage 3 ones).

It was honestly soul-destroying, especially because some people who haven’t encountered this thought it was just fussiness. He would rather go hungry than eat “normal food”. He had always been on the lower end of the weight centiles and I was worried about his weight.

He is now 5 and a much better eater. He still won’t eat anything in sauce but things did start to improve after age 2. Things that helped us included:

• stopping buying Ella’s Kitchen pouches and focusing on more age-appropriate foods, eg fish fingers, which he would eat. (I’m not advising you to do this, I’m just saying what worked for us.)
• sending him to a childminder who simply assumed he would eat whatever was on offer (and he did). Does yours have any external childcare? A different setting can help.
• being very low-key about food and not making a big deal of it, making sure there was always something he would eat, etc.

We didn’t ask for help and we’re lucky that he wasn’t so extreme and got better with time. When I did raise it at his one year review, I was made to feel it was my fault and I “just needed to make him eat”. Very helpful, no?! No concrete advice. So if you ask for help, be prepared to grow a very thick skin and push hard for an appropriate referral.

In hindsight, and especially given my experience of DC2, who is 8 months now and like a human vacuum cleaner when it comes to food, I think it was a mixture of sensory issues, personality (he is anxious about new things and this extends beyond food), and also an undiagnosed tongue tie, which was picked up after one year.

Porcupineinwaiting, I really don't understand why you are having a go at
Gancanny. She has given advice according to her own experience, nothing wrong with that.
Ultimately, OP needs to get referral for her own dc. But knowing there are others with similar issues is helpful.

My comment about other countries was in response to a PP who said what about children in countries where there aren't food choices. I said if those children are anything like DS who has ARFID and sensory issues, they die. Again, based on my own experiences as DS in such a situation would starve himself rather than eat and would eventually waste away. You asked why I believe that so I posted an article about ARFID and the effects on the body of not eating. You seem oddly determined to derail the thread are singling me out to help you do so.

Thank you so much for all replies of advice, I do feel alone and very frustrated, I stopped talking to friends/family in real life because I was getting advice to just let him go hungry and he will soon eat, and it kind of completely misses the point of my worries. He has already completely dropped a meal ( lunch ), and I fear losing any more meal times will make this serious.

He hasn't tried a new food since he was 9months, so everything other than the wotsits is completely designed for that aged baby, he will not let anything passed his lips, he doesn't like the feel of most foods and it actually upsets him more them being on his plate/tray. And if by some miracle he does actually put something in his mouth, he doesn't eat it, he holds it in his mouth and then gives it back to you. And this is the same if I try a new dinner, he completely melts down and just holds the food in his mouth screaming and crying. So I do just now stick to the same dinner because I didn't want to give him any more of a problem with food, when I used to try a new dinner, it would break his trust and then he'd have problems for a good few days after eating the dinner he actually liked. Someone mentioned giving him porridge for lunch, which I have thought about but breakfast is the only meal that he seems happy with, I don't want to ruin it by giving him it again for lunch. I didn't just got straight to the wotsit, I used to cook veg strips, toast and beans, healthy foods for lunch which he enjoyed, but one day he refused and lunch never returned.

My biggest fear is giving him an even bigger fear of food, so I just feel like I've done everything wrong and I probably should have got practical help alot sooner. Which I called the health visitor first thing and I am waiting for a phone call back to speak to someone.

I am really sorry to the people that have written posts explaining about the abuse they endured as children. That was disturbing to read and should never have happened to you.

What has worked slightly with a relative's older children is eating with other children and being involved in shopping and food preparation.

My daughter was always very good with food. Her cousins are fussy eaters. We started having them eat together and whilst her cousins improved - it was the opposite for my daughter.

Food started to be nasty, slimy and taste funny. It was all stuff she'd previously eaten happily. The parents/grandparents would pamper to them so they'd get crisps, sweets and chocolate as snacks and would get alternatives if they refused to eat what they'd been offered at meal times. They'd not be hungry but want desserts.

I have used TheBoldType's approach - but it was all food I knew she'd previously liked. It has worked but I find she wants her favourite food all the time and has said she doesn't like stuff if it's not her favourite rather than actively not liking something.

How does he cope with playing with new things? I would maybe try some sensory play with him to get used to touching things from different textures? You can also add some food items into sensory play so he can touch without pressure to eat?

Last night my 22 month old and 3.5 year old refused to eat the casserole I put in front of them. They went to bed without anything else and were both served it for breakfast. The eldest ate it and the youngest threw a tantrum for a banana. He didn’t get the banana and so after an half an hour he changed his mind and indicated he wanted to go back in his high chair for the casserole. Which he then ate the lot of quite happily.
This is so, so upsetting. 22 months old! It's bullying behaviour and it will lead to problems- if not eating disorders, then the whole issue of having the anxiety of having a mother sending you to bed hungry when you're a toddler and being so controlling with food.

@Sirzy he has lots of those sensory books which he enjoys touching, I have noticed he doesn't like sand and if he gets food on his hands he just holds his hands up kind of crying until they are washed. So food and play has never really worked for us, unless he lines up and counts toast or pieces of veg. But I do still continue to give him fruits and veg on his plate/tray.

Op Id recommend bee Wilson's first bite: how we learn to eat. It includes sections on v fussy eaters, I found it generally reassuring but it's a while since I read it.

Mostly, I'd get a referral: I think it sounds like you need some support and reassurance and it's worth doing that as early as possible.

I'm pretty shocked and horrified at the idea of serving reheated food until it's eaten. I think it all depends on what kind of adult relationship with food, and with you, you want your children to have. Sometimes I have a bowl of cereal instead of dinner. Sometimes I just don't want to eat the healthy meal I planned. That's ok, because on balance I eat healthily and I have no issues with emotional eating, etc etc. I stop eating when I'm full and I'm a healthy weight, I was quite fussy as a child but I got less and less so from my teens onwards and will not eat most things, though there are a few things I still hate and won't touch (including mackerel which ironically my toddler loves). This is basically my goal for my children: not feeling they must suppress their natural instincts and appetites and override their own hunger because someone else has decided what, when and how much they should eat. That really is a recipe for a future eating disorder. It's also v different to a child only wanting ice cream. And v different to the situation the OP is in where it seems clear it goes beyond fussiness.

Op, my ds is 12. Still have issues re texture/temperature, but way better than he used to be at 2.
To make things even more complicated, he has multiple food allergies, so many normal everyday food choice is out of question too.
We survived. He is growing fine. You can reason slightly better when they are older, and start to listen to dr's suggestion for their own good.
I think I was my wits end at that age, but mine turned out to be a lot easier compared to then now.
You need a professional help.

@TheBabyAteMyBrain totally agree with you. @theboldtype this is what my parents did 30 years ago along with sitting at the dinner table for hours etc . I have a very weird situation with food and am nearly 40 years of age. My Partner can not undrstand it and has learned not to say anything about my eating. One little comment while i am eating my food can make me stop eating and i can go for hours without eating because i was often sent to bed with no dinner as i wouldnt eat it. Its not good for me i have now learned. It has taken me years to try new things because of it. Even the smell of roast beef makes me fell sick, can not bear it cooked in my house. Cabbage makes my brother repulse after he was made it cold as a child because he wouldnt eat it. Thakfully my brothers and sister have a far better approach with food with their children then my parents did. OP you have some good advice from others here, best of luck with it

Worriedmama thats my goal too. A healthh relationship with food, which involved knowing what you want to eat and when you are hungry and full. Its important for them to have agency.

Myshiny they do go through stages and phases. Both my children ate a wide variety
of food and it changed around 3. I read somewhere it's not uncommon as their survival instinct kicks in.

My youngest daughter since 3 (now 8) cant tolerate a lot of foods touching. So cant eat tuna pasta bake. I can give her tuna, cooked pasta and a pile of sweetcorn as long as its not touching.

Ive had to adjust my meals as she needed to eat, many children have a fear of touching and I didn't want to make it worse. By being relaxed around food and giving her something safe every mealtime she has slowly tried some other foods. She eats quite healthily (prefers raw veg to cooked veg so I just keep hers back).

Luckily my daughter has more acceptable foods than OP. But definitely the important thing is not to make it a battle and to keep offering safe foods.

I hope your hv is good. They vary, but do make it clear how few foods are acceptable to him (and the lining up etc..)