Parents of toddlers with eating disorders...

[OR101]

Probably the wrong place to post but looking for advice please.

My baby is nearly 2, since around 9 months, problems with food started to occur, such as completely dropped a meal time, refused to try any new foods since 9 months old. Only eats one brand of dinner (think shepards pie, cow and Gate brand, wouldn't eat shepards pie tesco brand) refuses any thing home made. No fruit, cheese, ham. Won't eat chips, pasta, chicken, veg, just basically anything.

Has porridge for breakfast,
Stopped eating lunch, will eat wotsits, so I offer that now because I don't like that nothing is being consumed from morning till night. I used to put all finger foods out. Which was eaten until 9 months.
And the one brand of dinner.

When I try to speak to people in real life, I get comments such as yeah baby's can be fussy, but just in my gut feeling it's more than just fussy. If anyone has had any thing similar with their LO, did it turn out to be an eating disorder? Is there any tips i could try? Even though I feel like I've tried everything. I am willing to try more.

Just a side note all other aspects of general development seem ok to me.

Thank you in advance x

Sorry op no advice but just wanted to say I understand why you're concerned and would be too. The "they just aren't hungry" argument is common but just does not apply to every case of "fussiness".

@theboldtype my mother and stepfather started doing that to me when he arrived in my life, I was 5. It laid the foundations of a life-threatening and savage eating disorder that is with me 45 years on. I recall only too clearly the hours staring at the same, disgusting old food -sometimes liquefied.
You are not being a kind parent, you are bulldozing your children into something unpleasant.
OP I think you should ask for help, that level of restriction so early is not easy to handle. All the best to you in this endeavour.

My grandmother still tells stories of her father taking @theboldtype 's approach, that is offering no alternative food until something not wanted was offered. She still has traumatic memories and anxieties about food to this day, and she's 85.

Theboldtype

I've taken a similar approach to you occasionally.its hard to explain if there are people on here with neurodiverse children for whom if would be pointless.

If you have an NT 3 yr, who is offered a meal they regularly eat and like, perhaps they've even requested it, and they decide to stubbornly refuse to take even a tiny bite, it is not abusive to save perfectly good food safely in the fridge to be offered later. In fact I think its really important to teach children that we dont waste a whole untouched portion of food. At times you do have to teach children that they don't hold all the cards.

As for it being odd to eat a casserole for breakfast....its a balanced meal. We are social conditioned to eat certain things at breakfast, they are different in lots of cultures and toddlers are blissfully unaware. Mine has occasionally requested spaghetti bolognese for breakfast.

Ps my own mother did it and I have no traumatic memories of food and I'm a good eater now. I love cooking and eating.

My 6 six year was really fussy.
Before she was 6 months old she wouldn't drink her milk properly.

I had to rock her to sleep before she would drink.
It improved when she was weaned , but then she wouldn't eat.
She stayed really fussy and picky until reception.
Having her lunch with the other kids, she started trying new foods.
It did take a few months and at the start the school were always talking to me at the end of the day saying she hadn't eaten her lunch.
By the end of the year she was much better.
She is in Year 2 now.

I think people are misinterpreting what the bold type is doing.
She’s not forcing her child to eat, or forcing her child to sit and stare at the plate of food unwillingly eating it.
She’s not forcing them to eat, she’s teaching them that they can’t not eat their dinner to get something else.

You can parent in this way without being abusive, all the adults spoken of in examples of being in emotional ruin because of it have been abused.

My ds started this at around 2. We took him for an assessment and found that he has sensory issues. This affected his feeding. We started feeding therapy and we are really happy with where he is now. He has been having OT since 2 as well.b

Exactly @NoIDontWatchLoveIsland our job as a loving and supportive parent is to cook our children healthy nutritious meals,

Most kids get an alternative offered if they don’t eat their meal and I don’t think this is healthy at all either. 🤷‍♀️

If I gave my children what they wanted every meal they’d be surviving on ice cream, cake and chocolate with the odd crisp thrown in.

Had I of been a bit stricter when my child began being a fussy eater, he might have tried more 🤷‍♀️

Just to say that you have my sympathies OP. I was like this as a child, not a whole better as an adult, also autistic.

This may be a terrible suggestion for a toddler, sorry if so, but is there any chance of high protein chocolate milkshakes or something going down well?

My mum ended up giving me lots of meal replacement type milkshakes when I was younger since I barely ate anything.

It’s fine to reheat food It’s fine to serve dinner for breakfast, maybe if that happened more then the obesity levels would be lower. It’s interesting to look into how breakfast cereal came about by the way.

Not surprised people are very pampered these days and children entitles if they can’t abide a reheated meal and a different type of meal for breakfast.

But assuming that parents are offering an alternative because the child is just fussy doesn't work if there are genuine issues. What works for 'simple' fussiness doesn't work for children with genuine issues and, in my opinion, can be psychologically damaging whilst also not helping any / much progress be made in terms of eating.

Put a little dish of picky things in front of him and leave the room for ten minutes of course popping head in to check on but let him think you are not even taking any notice atall. Sometimes you can get anxious and they pick up on it you need to just take no notice when there is food offered just walk away and busy yourself. Worth a try

Gruffalo

I half agree but I also think how you do it is really important - bold is doing many of the things people suggest for children with more serious issues: taking away all the pressure, never forcing the child to eat etc. What do you think happens to children in very poor countries where there is no alternative food? Some people may not be able to afford to waste food/offer alternatives or repeatedly buy a single expensive pre made ready meal.

Hi OP

I would speak to the health visitors initially. I had a very fussy eater and spoke to mine, they did send me some information that help a bit but mostly it was reassurance and support that made me realise I wasnt doing anything wrong. Keep repeating the mantra I can only prepare healthy / balanced food for them, I cant make them eat it. I have one who will not eat any veg at all. I still put some out every meal and it gets ignored (though she will now tolerate it on her plate sometimes rather than kicking off) but saying to myself that I can only make them food I can't make them eat it, has helped me feel a lot more relaxed about it.

The 2 year check in our area is done around 2 years 5 months and currently remotely- they send you a question set. It had a question set that was about early indicators of autism eg difficulties transitioning from one activity to another, frequent meltdowns etc. I would ask the HVs to post it out sooner rather than later (there is a range of ages it can be done at eg 28-32 months) so you can access support earlier if it does show anything

You need professional input on this, OP otherwise you're going to get loads of duff advice about offering the same meal over and over and just being firm about it. None of these things will work for a child with food issues. I agree with PPs who have said to keep a food diary, read up on sensory issues around food and on ARFID, and keep a food diary that includes amount eaten as well as what he has eaten, then ask your HV or GP for a referral to a dietician.

When DS was a baby he had no interest at all in food other than to touch it and then cry if he didn't like how it felt. We started offering solids around the 6m mark but he was closer to 8m before he actually tried eating any of it. The range of foods he would eat very quickly dwindled away and by the time was 2yo he only had 5-6 foods that he would eat. "He'll eat when he's hungry" didn't apply because he would starve himself if he acceptable foods are available or if he doesn't feel able to eat, he has gone several days without food before.

Now we are at a stage where he has his safe foods and that's all he eats. Every now and again he will try something new but it's rare and it's a real celebration moment when he does. His acceptable foods are all very bland, very uniform, easy to chew, and dry. It has to be left to go cold before serving too as he won't eat hot food so I end up coming his food slightly ahead of everyone else's to give it chance to go cold then I can serve up out hot meal and his cold one all at the same time.

The advice from his dietician is:

• don't turn meals into a battle

• never use food as a reward, never use food as a punishment

• eat together where possible and serve meals family style if you can where everyone helps themselves from shared dishes in the centre of the table

• serve food, allow a reasonable amount of time for the meal (e.g., 30-40 minutes for dinner) and then take it away at the end of the meal without comment. No begging, cajoling, persuading, bribing, bargaining, asking for one more bite or to just taste it, or any of that

• the main meal of the day should be two courses, a main and a basic dessert like yoghurt or fruit. The child gets both courses with no strings attached, they get the dessert regardless of how much of the main they have eaten because it is one complete meal and one is not dependent on the other

• every meal should have at least 1-2 'safe' foods available so that there is never nothing the child can/will eat

• if nothing is eaten, or only a small amount, then try stretch to the next meal but if they seem very hungry or it's going to be a long time until the next meal such as overnight from dinner until breakfast the next day, then around an hour after the rejected meal you should offer a basic snack of safe foods

• give two cups of milk and a good multi-vitamin daily

What do you think happens to children in very poor countries where there is no alternative food?

If they're children like DS with sensory issues and ARFID, they die.

Hi OP. I was very fussy as a 2 year old, going through a period of a few months of only eating yogurt and wheatabix. I was very intolerant to lumps. My parents think it was to do with my overly large tonsils which were removed after repeated tonsillitis at 8 years old. Not at all suggesting that this applies to your situation but sharing my experience.

Gancanny - I think I love your dietican! I hear so many stories of dieticians just not getting it it is lovely to hear of one so on the ball and realistic.

@Gancanny do you have any data to support that?

She's lovely Sirzy. I went to our first appointment expecting to be told off for creating a fussy child and I was so wrong, she's been nothing but supportive.

I don't think what theboldtype is doing is totally abusive. If the child has no specific issue with food and just refusing to eat because they want something else, then it's not abusive. And someone else who says this caused life long eating disorder, their parents are extreme, while I don't think theboldtype is.

My ds's dietitian said if he refused to eat dinner, he can still have pudding, but don't give him extra. And that's what we did, but our case is slightly different from NT child refusing totally acceptable food.

And what we eat for breakfast is actually more to do with culture. I would happily eat left over from last night's dinner for breakfast, so is my English dh or mixed race ds. I didn't force them, they do it with their own will sometimes.

My wee one was/is the same. She constantly choked on foods so had a bad association with eating then around 5 years she was diagnosed with abnormally large tonsils and had then removed when she was 8. Now shes on medication for adhd and that stops her eating but we are definitely in a better place now. Though she will only eat things like cooked pasta no sauce. Cereal with no milk. Her favourite thing just now is cous cous. Shes now on build up milkshakes too.

I'm in the same boat with my son op and it very much feels like it's sinking.

It's frustrating to watch and he's incredibly small and skinny (he's 2yrs 9m) and wearing 12-18m clothes (waistbands are big but fit on length)

He's steadily got worse and has reduced what he will eat to nothing but sweet things (cereal, bakery items, chocolate and sometimes chicken nuggets)

I've been following HV advice over lockdown period and he's getting worse.

He especially hates dinner time and because he doesn't want to eat dinner, he doesn't want anyone else eating it either. He was so hysterical he made himself vomit. It was heartbreaking. I'm now awaiting a referral from either dietician or OT (health visitor is seeking further advice as she thinks it's more a control issue than actual eating)

I just wanted to let you know it's not just you. Don't blame yourself. I have 3 other children that eat very well, varied diets with lots of fruit, veg, meat and fish.

The frustration is so real and my son has gone 2 days eating absolutely nothing because he didn't want what was offered. Of course I caved in after that! I cannot watch him starve himself. The second night before bed he was given toast and jam and he ate it like he was quite literally starving. (He still had his cup of milk and vitamins before bed both nights though I know it's absolutely no substitute)

Really hope things improve for you.

Article on ARFID here @Porcupineinwaiting. Consider what would happen to children with ARFID in countries where there is no medical support available.

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/327240#complications