To have a messy house?

[LizzyLovesTea]

I've been a single mum for a few years, and got together with a new partner a year ago. He ended up moving in during lockdown - not very planned, but as a better alternative than not seeing each other.

My work got busier during lockdown but I had no childcare - and it's not going to get better for the next couple of weeks, until our new routine kicks off properly. My partner makes fantastic dinners and usually spends (by his estimate) about an hour in the kitchen each evening, tidying and cooking and washing up. He gets so dejected that the kitchen gets messy again each evening and the work needs to done over and over again. Obviously, this didn't happen in quite the same way when he lived alone and went to work and left an empty tidy house behind him!

I really do sympathise with him. I hate that houses get messy and housework is a never-ending hamster wheel.

But on days when I'm working through the day, taking breaks to meet my daughter's needs and then working right into the evening I just don't have the time to catch up on everything. I used to do housework in the evenings after my little girl was in bed, but now I usually spend that time with my partner which is obviously a good thing, I guess? And in any case, it would feel a bit odd working a 10-12 hour day then tidying the house...
I do housework sometimes - some days are 5 hours trying to get on top of the mess, other times it's the bare minimum because I'm snowed under with work. I also have a million other housework tasks beyond the kitchen that he doesn't seem to see and wouldn't consider helping with. Laundry, gardening, mowing the lawn, all the toys that my little mess monster strews everywhere, getting stains out of the wretched laundry which seems to take about an hour each time I do it... Shopping and putting it away... Tidying and decluttering a really overwhelming house (and when it's done my daughter can undo it in a couple of minutes the first time I turn my back, and there's no time to stop her because while she's busy emptying a box I can work...).

I think I'd need to work part-time to keep the house to the standard my partner expects. I'd like to work a bit part-time, but if he's living in the house I'd like it to be equal. I suspect that I need to tell him something like: 'When I'm not snowed under, I'll commit to doing more housework but you will need to do more too... And it might take longer than 1 hour each day for each of us if we want it tidy all the time... And on days when work is intense, it will take priority because it's an essential and the mess can wait.'

So, Mumsnetters, am I being unreasonable to expect him to put up with a messy house, when my life gets intensely busy? Or to share in the work it takes to keep it tidy?

Sounds like now the rules have changed and you could still see each other without living together, it's time for him to move back to his own place? Maybe you should think about holding off living together until you are able to have stressful conversations more easily?

Definitely do not cut down your piaf work hours to tidy the house to please someone else! That is a bonkers idea!

If he wants to live with you, he should be pitching in. Why is he not washing and sorting the house, garden etc? Sounds as if he’s making work for you. Bless his cottons, he can’t cope. 🙄

Do not go part time so you can clean your house.

You'd be better off getting a cleaner

and when it's done my daughter can undo it in a couple of minutes the first time I turn my back, and there's no time to stop her because while she's busy emptying a box I can work...

My toddler does this and then is made to put it back every single time. I know from looking after children who are now older/adults it eventually works though it takes a few minutes to start off with.

I wouldn't be happy with someone moving in and criticising my home. I would think we were not compatible, and I would question what future we would have. He is a tidy freak (like me) and you are relaxed and both are fine. You either come up with a rota, split down the middle or ask him to move out again and enjoy living the way you want to.

I would like you to confirm how much he is contributing financially? Is that also half? That is more important than the mess, you don't want to be snowed under with work to pay for the pleasure of having him criticise your home!

So you might sacrifice your career and income to keep the house to his standards? That’s bonkers.

Does he work FT? Does he fully contribute to the cost of running the house? Does he do 50% of the housework?

Can you afford a cleaner? You’d still need to de clutter and tidy up but at least you know there is a weekly vacuum, dust & bathrooms are clean.

Bizarre. If the house isn’t go his standard then he is free to work part time or hire someone to clean it. It’s not your job to meet his standards in your home.

I so agree with this but there was a thread just recently with a man complaining about the state of the house and the conclusion from many was that the wife needed to do things to her standard rather than him learning to cope with a less tidy house.

Your partner needs to stop and think about how much work it is to have a child. Is he properly part of this relationship or not? If so he should not just be pressurizing you to keep things tidy for him.

I missed the 5 hours a day on housework?
What state is the place in? I have quite a big house with 2 teens at home and do a quick 30 mins a day, we all do our bit.

Can your DD not do a power 5/10 mins put away with you before bed? I used to set the oven timer and do this with mine from 3 onwards - just 5 mins initially and then a story as a treat. If you were a single parent for a few years and now your partner is living with you she must be at least 4 years old so it could work.
They are much better at knowinging which pieces go into which puzzle box and what set the random purple bit comes from than us and it can be fun.

You need a dishwasher. You can get them off eBay cheaply & it will free up a lot of time.

How old is DC? Can they help. I wished my DM had of encouraged me us to tidy up mind you she didn't like it herself and had lots of clutter.
It was a lot harder learning basic organisational skills as an adult it stunts development.

If you live together and both work full time, it is perfectly reasonable for both of you to spend the same amount of time on household tasks. He cooks dinner and cleans the kitchen, fine. But under no circumstances should you be responsible for everything else.

I certainly don't think you need to work part-time just to keep on top of housework (unless you live in Downton Abbey). It should be perfectly possible to take care of all the daily tasks during the week and then do more thorough cleaning at the weekend. Or choose one room/area each day to focus on. Or whatever plan works for you and your partner. But it should be an equal division between the two of you.

I can never understand how he goes I to a messy kitchen when he cleaned it all after he cooked.

Presumably stuff is getting dumped in there instead of washed up or put away and he has to clean again.

I don’t like a messy house myself and do prioritise housecleaning.
But YANBU to expect your partner to do more than just cook dinner and tidy the kitchen. There are three meals a day, not just the one. Your house is how many rooms? Not just the one. So a 50/50 partner should be doing more than 33% of 1 room in an entire house plus garden.

His standards may or may not be unreasonable, but what is unreasonable is his teeny tiny contribution towards the house keeping.

Exactly what Emerald said. Also I found a set time each week to do a bigger clean, everyone pitching in, even age appropriate things for your dc is a really good way to help everyone understand it is a family responsibility, not just yours.

Typically we do 30 min general tidying a day, making sure things are put away etc., and then one set 2-3 hour stretch where everyone has jobs like stripping beds, hoovering, dusting, cleaning out fridge etc. That used to be Thurs, then Fri evening, but since covid exhaustion has really set in and it's now Sat am's. Everyone pitches in and then it's a lovely relaxed lunch (something simple), a nice walk or cycle, a film etc. Has made for a nice routine out of something that can feel a bit of a bore.

This is definitely not your responsibilty @LizzyLovesTea and you shouldn't be considering dropping your financial security, especially having newly moved in with someone. Relationships go sour, or they stop meeting people's needs. This is a good learning opportunity for everyone.

I think you are both unreasonable (and your daughter too!)

1. If he is making all the effort of cooking you could at least clear the dishes away etc afterwards??

1. If he lives there full time there should be an even division of tasks, he doesn't just get to do one fun thing. Cooking for an hour is nice, but is far more effort than is actually necessary, so to me, doesn't really count as contributing to the household.

1. Your daughter shouldn't be making so much mess... even if she is only a toddler, add "tidy up time" to the end of your play session, where she has to put all the toys back in their boxes etc.

I'm a single mum to a special needs child and my house isn't messy. It sounds like you need more routine the two of you together.

I have every sympathy with anyone who has been trying to juggle wfh and looking after little ones for 6 months.
dh and I have said over and over that we don't think we'd have survived if this had happened 15 years ago.

It sounds like a calm conversation is needed.
Obviously you were sort of thrown together a bit in March and perhaps started to live together a bit earlier than you otherwise would have. For a person who is used to living on their own, it can then be a shock to live with one other adult, let alone an adult and a small child. Then, all of us have had to do a lot of adjusting - wfh and not being able to go out in the evenings or weekends / no break from the dc, etc.
So he needs to understand that a little child won't just sit quietly for 8 hours a day when you work. He needs to understand that looking after a house and a family involves a lot more than cooking one meal a day. BUT you also need to understand that he has made a lot of adjustments too. It is about saying '"We have different expectations, how can we resolve this?" rather than waiting for it to turn into arguments each time, or letting it fester away annoying either of you. When I first had a lodger in my first home, I had to adjust my ideas and expectations, without the emotional involvement of setting up a new family unit.

How is your kitchen getting so messy? I've 7 people here, 4 of my kids are adults and they all eat at different times and even my kitchen doesn't need hours of cleaning. I clean it thoroughly in the morning and the rest of the day when something is used is rinsed and put in dishwasher. How much can 2 adults and a child use?

How is laundry taking so long? Again, I've 7 here, I bring the baskets down in the morning, load the machine, wash is done in 40 minutes and the machine takes out all stains, do you hand wash?

Shopping and mowing the lawn isn't every day, can you online shop, get guy to cut grass? Same with decluttering, how much stuff have you? I decluttering once a year, we hire a skip and do a big clear out, do you not throw anything out throughout the year?

Can you not have just one box of toys for you dd, that way there's a certain amount that will be thrown around, you can keep some toys in her room and alternate the toys every week.

Either your house is massive and every corner filled with stuff and you all don't clean /tidy as you go or you just need to organise things better.

WTAF? You'd actually consider foresaking your financial independence (and your daughter's dependence, she is dependent on you) to enable your boyfriend who just moved into your house (and without serious discussion, which was a big mistake). Give yourself a shake! It's your house. You should not have moved him in there just because you fancied a snuggle and sex and not 'seeing' him - it's a serious decision when you have kids already.

I would be amazed if you're doing an hours housework a day. Especially if he counts cooking as housework! An hour is really not that long to make dinner and clean up a kitchen. I think he's adjusting to living with other people. I'd certainly list all the jobs that get done, people tend to not see the jobs that have been done, only seeing the ones that haven't.

He needs to adjust his expectations to the new reality. He is living with a small child and it’s normal for toddlers to create mess. Perhaps he should move back into his own place and you can enjoy just dating him again without the domestic stuff getting in the way.

What is he cooking every day that takes an hour to cook and clean? Jesus wept.

I mean, yeah, if he's getting 5-6 pots and pans out but really what can actually take that long?

Every one else has already said some important stuff, but also, why can't he just bung something in a slow cooker and then he's just got one pot and 3 plates at the end to wash? Isn't this what most busy people do? Adapt parts of their life to make sure they can meet the needs of other parts of parts of their life?

Perhaps it's time for him to move out again?
Could you get a cleaner? But I'd do that more for you than him.
If hes living with you and that's the only domestic chore he has I'd say he's onto a winner.

Just realised I meant 'if you're NOT doing an hours"