To find out baby’s gender but not tell anyone

[JemimaTiggywinkle]

I’m pregnant and want to find out the baby’s sex/gender. I want to find out because I just like to know things. I will try to challenge my own biases and won’t be imagining a future of ballet classes for a girl and football for a boy etc.

My question is, would it be weird to find out ourselves and not tell anyone else?

My reason for considering this is that I don’t want to get loads of gendered pink/blue/ daddy’s little princess babygro type presents. I don’t want people to decide what baby’s future should be based on their gender, before they’re even born.

Also, MIL has made general comments in the past about how if she ever has a granddaughter she hopes she wouldn’t be as big and tall as grandson (my nephew) because it’s “not nice” for a little girl. I want to avoid comments like that.

To be clear, we would tell people after the baby was born... I guess I’m just hoping to hold of the inevitable for a little while.

Also I know there is nothing wrong with choosing to dress your baby in pink/blue etc, but it’s my preference not to.

I always presumed finding out the sex of a child was because the parents want to know. There is no need to tell anyone that you have found out and/or what the sex is.

However, you could just have fun by telling people you know but that you will surprise them with it when baby is born.

thing is once you have had the baby and told people wether its a boy or girl you cant stop them buying presents based on colours etc and regardless of you knowing and others not wouldnt stop assumptions and comments like you mentioned

We kept it a secret. We just refused to tell anyone that asked. Everyone had a surprise on the day.

There's nothing wrong with the concept but in reality I think it will be hard to keep up. You would probably accidentally say things like "when she/he comes, she will sleep in..." etc

We found out the sex with our second, mostly because we didn't with the first and wanted to try it both ways. (Preferred not knowing on the whole.)

We didn't tell anyone we knew. As far as anyone other than dh & I knew, the sex was unknown until delivery. It's not that hard a lie!

My friend did this, but probably let slip to us about 30 times that baby was a she... we played along!

I think you can do what you want, however your reasoning doesn’t really make sense.

It's your decision if you tell anyone or not. I agree about avoiding overly gendered clothes and stereotypes. I feel bad for baby girls in frilly dresses with hair bands and bows as it cant be comfortable for them and does create a perception of how she should be treated like a delicate doll

@christmassausages

We kept it a secret. We just refused to tell anyone that asked. Everyone had a surprise on the day.

If only my stepson and his wife had done this. We’re very old fashioned and really didn’t want to know until the baby arrived. There’s another baby due in a few weeks and they’ve done it again. I’m very grateful you had to wait until the birth when I had mine.

Find out the sex but don't let on that you know, as it will only wind up family members if you tell them you have a secret you won't share with them.

Totally fine, just don’t go around telling people you know but aren’t telling. A relative did that and it was intensely irritating!

Of course that's fine.

We knew and didn't tell, and had no problem keeping the secret. The only awkward thing was that my husband had told his parents we were finding out before realising that I only wanted us to know - but they were fine accepting that.

thing is once you have had the baby and told people wether its a boy or girl you cant stop them buying presents based on colours etc and regardless of you knowing and others not wouldnt stop assumptions and comments like you mentioned

I think this is a good point. You really only get things for the first few months at birth, after which they after which they will revert to pink and blue, so I think you would be better off just saying in conversation that you hate the whole pink/blue thing and hoping they listen.

Also, if you do find out and don't tell anyone, it will prove hard not to slip up and use he or she in conversation.

I don't think there's anything wrong with finding out and not telling anyone, but I think it's likely to be more effort than the reward.

Yes of course it's possible! Although we kept it as a surprise even to ourselves so that we didn't form ideas about who the baby would become, and I'm glad we did that.

Regarding clothes, I told family I preferred unisex / not overtly gendered gifts. I'm sure it challenged some but I don't care, and I also would clamp down on comments like the one your MIL used, or get your partner to.

Some will come on to say "let boys be boys and girls be girls" and all that crap, but it's your child so do what feels right.

a friend of mine did that, I found it a bit smug and annoying. She kept saying, we know but we're not telling anyone all the time..

Do whatever you like OP.
And be ready for some people to disagree.
And don't feel like you have to get everyone's approval, or share things with everyone.

Knowing what you want, and asserting your choices and boundaries, is a very big part of the journey towards becoming a parent. At the end of the day, you're the mum, not anyone else.
Good luck

Thanks guys, I was expecting everyone to say it would be really weird and secretive.. so it’s good to hear that people have done it.

Agree that it wouldn’t go well if we told people that we know but aren’t telling them.

I think DH will probably be excited to tell people so there’s that to consider too.

We found out and didnt say but we didn’t tell anyone we’d found out (so not to look smug and annoying)

If only my stepson and his wife had done this. We’re very old fashioned and really didn’t want to know until the baby arrived. There’s another baby due in a few weeks and they’ve done it again. I’m very grateful you had to wait until the birth when I had mine.

Bit of a tangent but I would really, really love to hear someone explain why they would feel this way when it isn't even their child, because I just don't get it at all!

I'd say find out but tell people you don't know

Nothing more twattish than people saying 'oh we found out but we're keeping it secret' makes me want to say it don't really care to be honest I'm just being supportive'

If you keep it a secret that you know then it will be fine, if you tell people you know but aren't saying you will come off smug and annoying! If you think you can't keep it a secret either tell everyony or don't find out

We did the same, Heeey. If you tell people that you didn't find out, they won't ask! It was a lovely thing that my DH and I had, just for ourselves until baby arrived.

Agree it is smug and annoying so I'd say I hadn't found out too. Still would give a massive eye roll if I ever found out someone had done this but your choice!

We didn't find out so we weren't lying to our friends and family when we said we didn't know. If I'd found out I would have told people for sure if they'd asked.

@aSofaNearYou

If only my stepson and his wife had done this. We’re very old fashioned and really didn’t want to know until the baby arrived. There’s another baby due in a few weeks and they’ve done it again. I’m very grateful you had to wait until the birth when I had mine.

Bit of a tangent but I would really, really love to hear someone explain why they would feel this way when it isn't even their child, because I just don't get it at all!

Perhaps you should ask me instead of “someone”? I’ve already said we’re old fashioned, we both feel that discovering the sex is an integral component of the birth. Why I should feel compelled to be justified by “someone” for expressing a purely personal opinion on the topic of the thread is beyond me. I don’t get why people want to know and it seems I’m not alone.