To find out baby’s gender but not tell anyone

[JemimaTiggywinkle]

I’m pregnant and want to find out the baby’s sex/gender. I want to find out because I just like to know things. I will try to challenge my own biases and won’t be imagining a future of ballet classes for a girl and football for a boy etc.

My question is, would it be weird to find out ourselves and not tell anyone else?

My reason for considering this is that I don’t want to get loads of gendered pink/blue/ daddy’s little princess babygro type presents. I don’t want people to decide what baby’s future should be based on their gender, before they’re even born.

Also, MIL has made general comments in the past about how if she ever has a granddaughter she hopes she wouldn’t be as big and tall as grandson (my nephew) because it’s “not nice” for a little girl. I want to avoid comments like that.

To be clear, we would tell people after the baby was born... I guess I’m just hoping to hold of the inevitable for a little while.

Also I know there is nothing wrong with choosing to dress your baby in pink/blue etc, but it’s my preference not to.

It's this one - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy/4020380-gender-disappointment-the-worst-mum-already?pg=4 - but I know your post wasn't about having a preference for one sex so I don't want to derail it!

@snowgirl1

I don't get the idea of finding out the sex and then not telling other people, it's all just a bit

Why?

We found out quite late and didn't tell anyone we had done or what the sex was. I'd called the baby "he" from the start and my midwife said all her Mothers had intuition - she was right!

If you dont want to tell anyone, then dont tell anyone. Its 100% yours and your DP/DHs decision. Even if you want to tell people it's a secret, go for it.

DH & I found out DD was a DD and didn’t tell anyone we knew.

Don’t see a problem with it, your baby x

We didn't know with any of ours just because we preferred the surprise.

But tbh by the time we got to DC3 and she was a girl after two boys, pink was a nice change

I get the impression that lots of people find out and keep it to themselves. If you do, don’t even tell people you know because they’ll plague the life out of you wanting to know!

I think you are over thinking the pink blue thing. Your child will be with its parents 95% of the time, especially in formative years. So you get to form the narrative on what it is to be a boy/girl. A few pink items when the baby is 3 months and won't remember anything isn't going to influence behaviour. You can explain that you don't like stereotypes if people try to pigeonhole him/her.

Your baby your choice as far as I’m concerned though I would be prepared that people will probably buy pink or blue clothing once he/she is born.

We found out but kept it a secret. What made it easier was that the sonographer got it wrong at one of the earlier scans( I had loads due to complications) but it became fairly obvious, later on, she was actually a he. We also chose a girls name just in case and also to annoy MIL who didn’t want to know but was convinced it was a boy.
Even better, he arrived a month early due to complications and as I had a short notice c section (1 hour ) we didn’t have time to contact anyone so we were able to surprise everyone.

I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant and we know what we're having but no one else does and I love it. No one else knows we know though so don't get hounded about it. We didn't find out with DS which was lovely but I'm loving it this way around too.

I think its weird to not tell people if you know. I had some friends do this. It just seems like making a bigger deal out of it than is needed? Nobody cares as much as the parents. Just tell people or don't find out... i maybe wouldn't admit to people thst you know if you are going for the not telling people route.

The "we know but we're not telling" gives the impression that you think everyone is as interested and invested as you are. They really are not.

@TheGoogleMum

I think its weird to not tell people if you know. I had some friends do this. It just seems like making a bigger deal out of it than is needed? Nobody cares as much as the parents. Just tell people or don't find out... i maybe wouldn't admit to people thst you know if you are going for the not telling people route.

It's not weird. It's their baby. "Just tell people or don't find out"?! Nobody else has the right to information about the baby or the pregnancy in general.

How did your friends make a big deal out of it?

I had some acquaintances who found out but refused to tell anyone until the baby was born.

They both had a tendency to be self-absorbed and tooth-achingly smug, so they came across as very smug about their secret. They were very open and certain that not telling anyone would be the only way to stem a barrage of sexist comments that they would get from everyone. I was polite but inwardly .

However they kept going on and on about the sexism girls meet, female gender stereotyping and the dad started reading all sorts of feminist YA books so it was kind of obvious which flavour of baby they were getting..... We just humoured them.

If you're not a smug person in general, you won't come across as smug

It feels odd to find out and then lie to people saying you don't know as well.

Ihad some acquaintances who found out but refused to tell anyone until the baby was born.
Idon't understand this attitude. They "refused" to tell others? Why would they tell other people? It's their personal information. They have no duty to tell other people what sex their unborn child is.

@wigglerose I don’t think I’m smug... but I suppose smug people probably don’t have enough self awareness to know they’re smug, so who knows.

LOADS of people find out but say they haven't. We did, with all of them.

It was personal information to us. We just said we hadn't wanted to know at the scan. But, of course we did.

But people hate it for some reason if you say you know but you'd rather not say. They get AMAZINGLY affronted and see it as some kind of statement. See the recent posts above for example!

However it really really did feel like personal information at that point, whilst still pregnant.

I would suspect that the vast, VAST majority of folk who say they had a surprise... didn't.

@FizzyGreenWater

LOADS of people find out but say they haven't. We did, with all of them.

It was personal information to us. We just said we hadn't wanted to know at the scan. But, of course we did.

But people hate it for some reason if you say you know but you'd rather not say. They get AMAZINGLY affronted and see it as some kind of statement. See the recent posts above for example!

However it really really did feel like personal information at that point, whilst still pregnant.

I would suspect that the vast, VAST majority of folk who say they had a surprise... didn't.

No one cares enough about your babys sex as you do.

People dont like secrets, any kind. So the minute you're "i know something you dont" you're fucking annoying

I find it really irritating when people make a point of telling you they know what the sex is but won't tell you what it is.... Frankly to all but the parents, this information is just not important. Nice to know and a good conversation piece but most people ask out of politeness, not because they actually care and I can't stand the whole 'its a secret'. Get over yourselves! Find out if you want to but just tell people you don't know if you don't want others to know.

Find out, or don’t, but please god don’t do the whole ‘we know but we’re not telling’ farce. People are happy for you, and excited to meet your baby sure, but honestly no one really cares whether you’re having a boy or a girl. A boy? Lovely. A girl? Lovely.
Tbh if it feels like something you don’t want anyone else knowing yet, that’s fair enough, and finding out but saying you didn’t would be your best option imo.

We did this. We didn't have terribly good odds of having kids and there was a strong possibility my first pregnancy would be our only child. DH and I both had a gender preference so we opted to find out and process that before the baby was born. If people asked we said that we knew the gender of the baby but didn't tell anyone else. Pretty sure we didn't skip up by referring to her, partly because it never felt real until she arrived. No one seemed to mind, but they may have been biting their tongues because we had quite a hard time.
Pregnancy two we found out genders (twins) and told people. Partly because DTD's middle name is the name of DH sister who died and we wanted to check his family were ok with that and give them chance to process it.
No regrets about any of it. Do what's right for you, and remember, it'll be much more important to you than to other people.

It's totally up to you if you tell the others or not..
I have two children and we have received clothes/gifts not to my taste regardless of the timing of telling the sex tbh..but every present was happily received as it's just shows how loved our children are..not to my taste stuff was still worn even if it was just to sleep in..it's just colours and clothes at the end of the day..everyone had a different taste and of course you will be in charge of what your baby wears..
Just go with what you want to do to keep yourself and your partner happy that's all what matters..

People dont like secrets, any kind. So the minute you're "i know something you dont" you're fucking annoying

Yes exactly which is why we lied and said we hadn't found out. When they asked. Which all of them did. Some repeatedly. Some with 'Oh reaaaally? Oh I'd be dying to know, I think you're having an X! Did you really not find out'... etc etc.

No one cares enough about your babys sex as you do. no of course they don't. But it's funny how many of them would REALLY have been affronted if we'd said that, just like picking a name in advance but not wanting to discuss it, we also didn't want to discuss any of the scan results and knowledge.

Tbh you only have to skim this thread to see the 'Nobody cares you know, stop being so precious' line wear incredibly thin incredibly quickly. WOAH do people care.

But yes - we lied. No way would I have said we did find out but it's our business for now. Good God we would never have heard the end of it.

@CheesyGhost

I find it really irritating when people make a point of telling you they know what the sex is but won't tell you what it is.... Frankly to all but the parents, this information is just not important. Nice to know and a good conversation piece but most people ask out of politeness, not because they actually care and I can't stand the whole 'its a secret'. Get over yourselves! Find out if you want to but just tell people you don't know if you don't want others to know.

Why? I can't see why you want people to lie about knowing the sex of their child. If you ask someone something it's fine for them to say that they know but would prefer not to tell you. I am sure there are many other aspects pf people's private lives that they know about but would prefer not to tell you.