To find out baby’s gender but not tell anyone

[JemimaTiggywinkle]

I’m pregnant and want to find out the baby’s sex/gender. I want to find out because I just like to know things. I will try to challenge my own biases and won’t be imagining a future of ballet classes for a girl and football for a boy etc.

My question is, would it be weird to find out ourselves and not tell anyone else?

My reason for considering this is that I don’t want to get loads of gendered pink/blue/ daddy’s little princess babygro type presents. I don’t want people to decide what baby’s future should be based on their gender, before they’re even born.

Also, MIL has made general comments in the past about how if she ever has a granddaughter she hopes she wouldn’t be as big and tall as grandson (my nephew) because it’s “not nice” for a little girl. I want to avoid comments like that.

To be clear, we would tell people after the baby was born... I guess I’m just hoping to hold of the inevitable for a little while.

Also I know there is nothing wrong with choosing to dress your baby in pink/blue etc, but it’s my preference not to.

@VinylDetective Oh dear. It was a hypothetical musing about a mindset I don't understand and I feel like is rarely explained when it is mentioned. I said "someone" because I wasn't targeting you specifically and it's a view shared by many. You didn't have to take it quite so personally.

My friend did this. Only she and her Dh knew they were expecting a boy. They found out at the scan and everyone found out after the birth. Lovely and a bit different imo

I know a few people at work who did this. I think they wanted to feel that it was something only they knew. That's fine although I think for work colleagues etc - they probably don't actually care either, and knowing something no-one else cares about is not that special - you could look a bit silly making a big mystery about it! But obviously if you are not telling your family you can't tell anyone. Maybe easiest to just tell people you haven't found out.

I think it's fine, so long as you don't go around telling people how you're finding out but not telling people. It feels super smug and frankly the two of you are the people that care most.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@VinylDetective Oh dear. It was a hypothetical musing about a mindset I don't understand and I feel like is rarely explained when it is mentioned. I said "someone" because I wasn't targeting you specifically and it's a view shared by many. You didn't have to take it quite so personally. [/quote]
You quoted me so it was entirely logical to take it personally.

@firstimemamma

My friend did this. Only she and her Dh knew they were expecting a boy. They found out at the scan and everyone found out after the birth. Lovely and a bit different imo

I thought that was a perfectly normal thing to do.

@gingganggooleywotsit
"a friend of mine did that, I found it a bit smug and annoying. She kept saying, we know but we're not telling anyone all the time.."

THIS!! I know a couple who used to gloat that they "knew but it was a secret and werent telling anyone" with a smug look on their face, as though people would be tearing their hair out to find out.

Noone genuinely cared, and it took the couple by surprised when people shrugged their shoulders and said "okay". As long as the baby's healthy, noone will care apart from the parents and possibly geandparentsn

We know, my parents know, the DC know.

We want to decorate a nursery in whatever feels appropriate (most likely neutral, but I might have a hormone rush and go for bright pink or baby blue!) so DC had to know, and I wanted to tell my mum so if we're out shopping and I see a boy/girl outfit that I want to buy, I can.

Nobody else knows.

Not remotely unreasonable. I actually think it's nice for friends and relatives to have a surprise when baby is born. But unfortunately I don't think keeping sex secret until baby's born will stop people buying pink/blue/frilly stuff when it's born, unless you specifically ask them not to.

Of all the people in my entire life that I know who have had babies, I have only ever known one couple to find out the sex and tell people in advance of the birth. I would assume that many others found out for themselves but didn't tell anyone else. I thought it was quite strange telling people in advance because I had never come across it before (or since).

It's fine to do this, to be honest it has nothing to do with anyone else anyway. We did this (helped by the fact that I needed a gazillion scans, so it was hard not to find out anyhow) - we just told people we didn't know.

We did this. We told everyone we didn't know.

Yanbu but you may find it difficult to stick to it / they etc when you know it's him / her.
Congratulations btw!

Agree that most people won’t care tbh, aside from close family. I guess it’s just something people ask to show an interest.

I’m still working from home so most of my work colleagues probably won’t even know I’m pregnant... I’ll tell my manager soon but I’m not planning a big announcement at work.

We painted all our bedrooms last year before we decided to have a baby, and I’m not doing it again... so the nursery will be baby blue regardless of gender

DP and I kept dd's gender a secret pretending we didn't know until the day before I went into hospital to be induced.
I just couldn't hold it in any longer and told everybody!
I'm still annoyed at myself for that.
Actually, I really wish I'd not found out myself as I'd have loved a surprise. I just couldn't wait.

I did this with my second child. I loved it! A special little secret only me and DH knew 😍

You quoted me so it was entirely logical to take it personally.

Not really, what I said wasn't even an insult.

Honestly VinylDetective, aSofaNearYou said nothing that anyone remotely reasonable would get offended by. YABVU.

OP - YANBU, but just pretend you haven't found out as others have said.

We found out gender with all our children and didn't tell anyone - HOWEVER we didn't tell people we knew !

There is IMO nothing worse especially for close family the 'I know a secret but not going to tell anyone conversation' so we didn't tell anyone that as knew, but I secretly loved buying blue / pink stuff for the baby !

I think my family would of been really upset if they thought we were keeping a secret like that from them

I found out at a late extra scan. Curiosity got the better of me and I wanted a good look at the scan to reassure myself. Told DH I knew, did he want to know. He did. We didn't tell anyone (a few people knew I had to have the extra scan, but we didn't discuss the sec).
In the end I had a dramatic birth and my mum ended up in an ambulance with me. I said 'So, IS it a boy?'. She said 'You bigger, you knew!'
I also don't tell that I'm pregnant til I have to, there's something special about just keeping stuff to yourself.

Sec? My phone is prudish. Sex.

FFS I typed Bugger.
Why does autocorrect think he knows better than I do what I want to say?

If people are going to buy you pink/blue shit, they'll do it after the baby is born anyways.

Finding out and keeping it a secret is beyond attention seeking. Other people actually couldn't care less what sex someone's baby is.

As long as you're not doing the 'we know but we're not telling' thing then of course that's perfectly reasonable. Personally, I thought the best thing about finding out (maybe the main reason for doing so?!) is that it stops people trying to guess the sex from nonsense old wives' tales - apparently some women do like that, but I can't fathom why.

Ah we were planning to find out and tell people we weren't telling!
However reading this I'm thinking we're better off telling them we decided not to find out!