To give neither child an en suite??

[HamRadio]

Yes - first world problems I know.

My kids are 9 and 6. Two girls. We are about to move house and two of the bigger bedrooms have an en suite.

DH and I are having one. The other I was going to make a guest room/office. There are two decent sized bedrooms for the girls.

DD9 wants the en suite. She has been going on and on about it but I don’t want to give it to her.

Firstly, a nine year old does not need a bloody en suite.

Also, I don’t think it’s fair to let her have it and not DD2 so in my view the fairest solution is that neither of them has it (I feel like DD2 gets a lot of hand me downs etc and it’s an issue that I have become quite conscious of).

DH agrees with me but my sister thinks we are bonkers to make the second biggest bedroom a barely-used guest room and that it’s a waste of space.

Would appreciate some views...

I only have 1 DD and a similar set up.
The biggest room in our house is the guest room, with en suite.
The 2nd bedroom is ours, with a slightly larger en suite
3rd bedroom is DD's bedroom (no en suite) 4th bedroom is an office

Granted, DD is only a baby at the moment, but we will keep this set up as she gets older. No child "needs" an en suite.
Pre covid, we regularly had friends/couples who stay in our guest room and I'd rather they had the use of the en suite.

If we were to have another child, the office would become a bedroom and office would either move into the guest room or into the snug downstairs

she resented having to clean more toilets than there were people in the house.

I’m totally with her on that!

Though I wasn’t sad when my parents finally put a door on the bathroom when I was 14

or they could share that room as it is a bigger room and share the ensuite - and deal is they have to clean (under supervision) there are eco products available that are less harmful than the cillit bangs of this world

You really don't have to negotiate with a 9 year old. I wouldn't give her the ensuite room - people saying that your youngest can just have the family bathroom as hers clearly can't remember what it's like to be a young child. The excitement of having a bathroom that is in your room and not having had that before is probably a lot of the appeal, and having something her sister doesn't have.

Keep it as a guest room, your guests and youngest child will thank you for it.

Do you have regular guests? If so, then neither gets it.

If not, then I’d toss a coin or draw straws, and say every two years or something you’ll repeat it.

@FrenchOrGreek

I apologise for saying Fuck Off to the person who was struggling to decide how to allocate her en-suites.

I should have said "Why don't you just Fuck Off you self-absorded that"

You didn't tell that person to fuck off you told the person who is struggling. Try reading before you post?

Would the girls perhaps share the bigger room & en-suite, with a playroom/study/own space each in the smaller rooms?

I agree with you. It is unfair to treat them differently, especially when the younger DD already gets hand-me-downs, etc.

If the family bathroom was designated "hers", she would have to share it with guests, so not really hers then.

And so much better to have an en-suite when you are a guest.

I’d give the en-suite to the guests! The girls can always use it in between guests.

A 9 year old doesn’t need an en-suite and it’s not fair if she has it and her sister can’t have one later, when they’re teens.

We’ve always kept the en-suite bedroom for guests. It’s much nicer for guests to have their own bathroom instead of sharing the kids one!

If you are concerned about hand me downs, don't forget the younger will probably get to use it for three years when/if the elder goes to university as well as other benefits of being younger (generally bed times and other rules tend to be relaxed IME). Alternatively, you could let them swap rooms every year if you are really concerned about fairness.

As a pp said, I too still have issues with my older sister having better purely because she's the elder of us. And seeing her sense of entitlement to this day, 30 years after she left home, whereby she assumes she'll get the best of anything and I'll maybe get the shit off her shoe I strongly suggest your 9yo does not get the ensuite. In fact, I'd tell her that if she keeps demanding it her sister will have that room instead!

Can you do some remodeling and turn the second en suite into a jack and Jill style bathroom?

Or have the spare room as a playroom/study/chill out space for the kids?

Or just tell them to suck it up!

Agree don’t give the older child the en suite. If one was a girl and the other a boy you might consider It and explain to a boy that a girl might need an en suite for more privacy! However, as two girls we have this thing about treating children the same and in your situation this wouldn’t be the case. My parents believed that what one gets the other ones does as well. My dh had experienced a family situation where a brother was treated differently and given significantly more as youngsters and that hurt when you are young and stays with you. We also make sure that our grandchildren know that they are both treated fairly and equally so if one gets help in one way we balance it out and always talk to the other with an explanation. In fact they each have said “ I know nan, You don’t have to explain” but we never want them to feel the hurt my dh experienced. Also, the practicality of it as a guest room and office is great and as said above, no extra cleaning.

I would give your daughter the en suite. Why should it be reserved for guests?

I would keep the en suite for the guest bedroom...but my DH is from another country and we have lots of visits from his family and friends so its important to us to have the space to make them feel welcome. Your daughters can share the family bathroom for now. Maybe let them choose some nice accessories and bits to make their own.

The answer to this is really simple question.
Do you want to clean two bathrooms or three?

My ds has our extra en-suite, dd has the bedroom nearest the main bathroom and that is hers alone, unless anyone comes to stay which is very rare. I was one of three and we shared one bathroom and I remember what a nightmare it was when we were teenagers.

Personally I wouldn’t leave a room empty for guests when my own dc could benefit from it on a daily basis. This is their home as much as ours. I don’t understand the mentality that wouldn’t give them the same benefits that we have just because they are children?

I wouldn’t keep one of our best rooms for guests, I’d rather someone get use out of it all the time.

I would let the older daughter have the en suite and as the small one gets older, consider having an en suite put in her bedroom. In the meantime she will presumably have sole use of the 'family' bathroom unless you have an overnight guest so you can stress the benefits of that.

@jessstan2

I would give your daughter the en suite. Why should it be reserved for guests?

Which daughter?

Surely the OPs decision is much fairer as giving it to the oldest just reinforces any favoritism the younest daughter might feel.

Let the girls share the family bathroom and keep the ensuite only ever for guests.

The reason is that you don't want another bathroom to clean each week.

That way you can just give the guest ensuite the once over before people arrive.

If you don't set this out early, the older one will simply use it anyway.

And that means a major clean each week and before guests come.

Don't let a 9 year old start dictating to you! It's your decision not hers.

I think keep it as a great bedroom/office. With how things are going with covid, if you WFH, it's be great to have a self contained space to work from plus if someone needs to isolate, it'd work so good.

Then, when the older DD goes to secondary school, that's the tube to consider letting her have the en suite. She'd be old enough to clean it herself and give it to a guest without much huffing or help to move her stuff out.

We completed work giving us a new master bedroom and en-suite leaving the old one spare.
The two boys (8 & 6) had been sharing a double bedroom. Bedroom 3 is on the cusp of box room/ single room.

The boys were separated. DS2 kept the double room. DS1 got a new redecorated box room which he loves as it's cosy and simple to keep tidy. We've got the big room with ensuite. We have a spare bedroom with an original feature, scratty en-suite that saw better days at least 15 years ago.

It's a moot point. The spare bed got one night of use at new year before it found itself with half of DH's office furniture in mid-March. The en-suite is mothballed and rather than spending towards ££££ redoing it for occasional use, it will long-term be knocked into the main bathroom giving us a much better proportioned main bathroom which both children will benefit from.

On the toilet maintainence front, not long into lockdown, DS2 was allocated use of the downstairs toilet. DS1 allocated the main toilet. Now they can no longer blame each other for the bio crimes that occur and fail to be cleaned up.

You’re right to stick to your guns , give both girls the same (unless there’s a really really really good reason the older wants her own bathroom )

When your younger daughter is 11/12 etc she could be really resentful that her older sister was afforded An extra level of “privacy” that she isn’t. Don’t bother with swapping around rooms either.

Hi @HamRadio we are having this discussion now. We haven't found a home yet, but most homes we look at have a master suite for us, then always a second bedroom with en-suite, then two bedrooms which share a family bathroom

My thoughts

It will be a forever home, so even though children will be young when they get the en-suite, they will be there til teens and beyond.

Our children are there permanently, I'm thinking of their needs more than our guests (who we will have only a few times a year at best. We are not going to put guests needs above my children's. Appreciate all families are different

We want to make sure both children have equal sized rooms (normally the two rooms which share the family bathroom are totally unequal sizes. If we give the guests the en-suite, one child will get a box room which is unfair considering the guest room will be empty the majority of the time).

The child who doesn't get the en-suite will have they family bathroom to themselves. Which is always the biggest bathroom!

When guests come to stay, they will have a smaller room and share the bathroom with one child. Not a bad deal