To think my dh isn’t grieving properly?

[Afternooninthepark]

I’ve probably titled this wrong but I’m really concerned about dh.
We lost MIL last Thursday. She had been unwell for a few years but very much so the last month (due to treatment being withdrawn because of Covid but that’s another story!).
We spent all of last week with her at the hospice and it was beyond horrendous, she said things no one wants to hear a loved one say and asked us many times to put her to sleep etc to ease her from the pain. She asked dh (when he visited her on his own) if she was dying, no-one had told her! He had to tell her the truth as she begged him.
He was obviously devastated and spent most of last week in absolute tears and anguish.
However, since her passing, he has been fine, bearing in mind it’s only a week today. He was very close to his mum, she was a lovely lady and I thought he may have taken time off work to take time out and start the grieving process but instead he’s thrown himself back in to work and almost acting as though it hasn’t happened. Whilst I on the other hand am weeping all the time (in private as I don’t want to trigger anything in him), he goes to work, comes home, chats like normal (not really about his mum), watches tv and then sleeps well all night.
I appreciate we all grieve differently and I’m an over thinker so will stress more over this but I am genuinely concerned for him.
I’ve tried talking about it but he just says that last week was so awful, he couldn’t bare seeing her like that and now it’s a release. But he doesn’t even talk about her, doesn’t reminisce, nothing!
His dad is doing the same (mil and fil we’re together virtually everyday for the last 60 years), I’m concerned about him too.
Is this normal to just carry on like nothing as happened? AIBU to think it’s not healthy?

Please don’t judge him. Let him be.

I behaved exactly the same when my mum died in 2019. I had cared for her my whole life, then in the end when she had bowel cancer. I felt I had already grieved by the time she died. It was horrific and I was glad she had passed. I have never felt sad about it since. Or really wanted to talk about her. People deal with death differently. I know a lot of people judged me for how I was and it made me very uncomfortable.

I was the same when my nan died. So upset during the last 2 weeks when she was in hospital, then it qas a release when she was gone as she wasn't in pain anymore

I did my grieving before my mum died, long before as She had dementia.

I had moments and still do. It’s all different for different people.

Everyone is different

I lost a sibling less than two weeks ago. She had also been very unwell in hospital for some time and there is a sense of release so I know what he means.

I am largely carrying on as normal, even though I can assure you that this is the greatest loss I have ever experienced. It just hasn’t hit me yet. But it will, probably at the service.

I wouldn’t appreciate it if my DH expressed concerns at how I am reacting or behaving right now. Or even if he encouraged me to reminisce, to be honest I would rather reminisce with my other sister than him anyway.

Let him do things his own way. My dad died in March, my mum in April, and MIL is terminally ill. I cried when I got the call about dad, and a couple of times in mums last week, but haven't had any time off work. I haven't wanted to reminisce much either. I'm a very practical person and it was a release for dad (there were a lot of things on his death certificate) and for mum I'd done all my grieving years before as dementia killed off everything that was her

Everyone grieves differently. Be there for him but let him grieve in his own way.

I thought I would fall to bits when my DF died but in reality I was ready for it and had already said my goodbyes so I was absolutely fine once the funeral etc was over. DH was the same when his DM died. Lots of people don't weep and don't let the sadness show. I am very pragmatic about death and choose to remember the good times rather than linger on what I have lost. Sometimes a song or a TV show or something catches me unaware but I reflect on how I feel then let it move past me.

Everyone grieves differently. I lost my dad 2 years ago. I took ds to a party the day before the funeral and tried to carry on as normal as much as possible. I think I cried briefly when I picked up his death certificate from the hospital the next day and his room was already occupied but that was it.

Please don't judge him for how he's acting.

Maybe he's just relieved. I know when my grandma died, it was a big weight lifted off everyone's chest that she was no longer suffering and in pain. I do think grieving "beforehand" is actually quite normal - you know what's coming but you're having to sit there and watch your loved one die a slow and often painful death. When death comes, it's often a relief for all concerned.

Sorry for your loss

I agree with others here, I also grieved for my dad in the final months before he died, the person I knew and loved had gone long before he actually passed. I also went back to work after a week, I don't think I did any work, just needed the distraction. It will come out in it's own way, just being there is enough

He may have done most of his grieving before she died, it may also hit him in a few months time.
Don't tell him he's grieving wrongly or probe too much, he doesn't need any judgement at this time.
Just be kind to him and offer him support if he needs it.

And agree about being "relieved" for him as he was suffering so much. We dont allow animals to suffer anywhere near as much as people, and I understand why but it's very hard to watch.

In my view there is no such thing as a "proper" way to grieve. Everyone deals with loss in their own way. Just let him process it in the way that works for him and be ready to be there for him if it catches up with him and he needs to let go. There is no right or wrong way to grieve - it is what it is.

Agree with the others.

We lost MIL very suddenly and tragically last year and DH and her were very close.

He’s generally ok (and actually conducted her funeral), which is beyond me how he coped.

Everyone deals with death differently.

DH lost his mum in July. It was an awful time beforehand and we were both relieved when her suffering was ended. He cried a bit at the time and was upset but glad she didn't have to go on having no quality of life. He's been very calm since but I can see now he's starting to grieve and recall how awful it has been.
Give him space and time and don't hide your crying as that doesn't help anyone.

A week isn't much time at all in the grieving process but having lost loved ones in both sudden circumstances and from terminal illnesses that lasted months, it can be different if you ve had time to prepare perhaps he started the process before she died.
My dad took me years to deal with as it was sudden and I was very young but I was prepared for my grandad's deaths as they were suffering for a while so there was less grief to work through when they die after months of suffering.

Leave him be

I grieved like this for my dad. Very privately. Nobody would have known.

Hi OP. Grief is a hugely hugely personal thing. Everyone does it differently.

In the 1960s, a psychologist called Elizabeth Kubler Ross published work on grief, and identified a number of common stages that people go through in grief. She came up with a grief curve to illustrate her findings - psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/

The first stage is shock and denial - when you protect yourself from the pain by pretending it isn't or hasn't happened. Your husband's brain is doing exactly what it needs to, it is protecting him from the pain.

You just need to be there for him. Don't necessarily hide your own grief from him either - it may be that you can share some moments together.

He is grieving the only way he can. Sorry for everything you have gone through @Afternooninthepark.

There isn’t a wrong way to grieve.

People read the seven stages of grief thing and think that they are linear, that you work through from one to another until somehow you are done. Doesn’t work like that.

Some of us need to weep and freeze, to stop everything and just be with the loss for a bit. Others of us need to carry on being super busy and keep a tight lid on everything and just let things out a tiny bit at a time over a very long period of time.

When death is expected, some people process some of that grief in advance.

Some people are just too tired to grieve openly, others too deeply private and prefer to nurse their grief where no one else can see.

What we see on the outside is only a tiny part of what’s happening inside, even with those we are closest to. For some, carrying on, keeping going, is a sign of respect to the lost one, it’s “what they would have wanted.” Whereas others need to step out of normal life for a while.

He’s doing things his way, and that’s ok.

It depends. For some carrying on as normal isn’t grieving, for others it is.

If it is his choice, he was prepared for her death and feels he has grieved and death was a release, he may have processed and be able to move on.

I was a child when i lost a parent very suddenly, and i felt very pressured into carrying on as normal, all I heard was “children adjust” so felt like i had to adapt quickly to a new normal.

Let him be. But make sure he knows in weeks, days, months, years it may hit him anew and he may need to stop and process. That often is difficult because by then everyone else has moved on and you feel like you should be over it too.

It is very difficult though I think when a person is sick for a long time it is a release in itself when the person dies.
It is hard to know how to grieve I haven't grieved for my DM I'm not sure how. I don't want to accept she is gone but she is we didn't say goodbye or have a proper funeral as it was covid it makes it unreal.
I miss talking on the phone the most and often think to phone her.
He will have moments with family support he'll be okay.

Let him be. You say your MiL had been ill fir a few years. Your DH May be far further along with his grieving than you - or even he - knows. A few years of deteriorating I’m illness gives you a long time to accept the inevitable death. This was certainly my experience when DDad died. After twelve years of illness, my overwhelming emotion when he died was relief, and I was glad that he was no longer suffering. The overwhelming sadness and tears associated with bereavement never came. I cried at his funeral, but that’s all.

Just be there to catch your DH if he falls.

When my mum died, I was desperately sad, but I am not the kind of person to outwardly show that. I didnt take extra time of work other than for the day of her funeral and I just got on with it. Inside I was raging and sobbing, but it would have done me no good to do that, so I kept going and dealt with it in my own way.