To think my dh isn’t grieving properly?

[Afternooninthepark]

I’ve probably titled this wrong but I’m really concerned about dh.
We lost MIL last Thursday. She had been unwell for a few years but very much so the last month (due to treatment being withdrawn because of Covid but that’s another story!).
We spent all of last week with her at the hospice and it was beyond horrendous, she said things no one wants to hear a loved one say and asked us many times to put her to sleep etc to ease her from the pain. She asked dh (when he visited her on his own) if she was dying, no-one had told her! He had to tell her the truth as she begged him.
He was obviously devastated and spent most of last week in absolute tears and anguish.
However, since her passing, he has been fine, bearing in mind it’s only a week today. He was very close to his mum, she was a lovely lady and I thought he may have taken time off work to take time out and start the grieving process but instead he’s thrown himself back in to work and almost acting as though it hasn’t happened. Whilst I on the other hand am weeping all the time (in private as I don’t want to trigger anything in him), he goes to work, comes home, chats like normal (not really about his mum), watches tv and then sleeps well all night.
I appreciate we all grieve differently and I’m an over thinker so will stress more over this but I am genuinely concerned for him.
I’ve tried talking about it but he just says that last week was so awful, he couldn’t bare seeing her like that and now it’s a release. But he doesn’t even talk about her, doesn’t reminisce, nothing!
His dad is doing the same (mil and fil we’re together virtually everyday for the last 60 years), I’m concerned about him too.
Is this normal to just carry on like nothing as happened? AIBU to think it’s not healthy?

I haven’t told him how to grieve and never would, just concerned for him, he is always a busy kind of person so probably is doing what is best for him by keeping his mind active on other things.
Romeolovedjulliet mil was in a LOT of pain for the last 3 weeks of her life, the last two days she had lots of morphine and something else which I’m not sure what it was, these left her in comatose state but it was hard to see her in so much pain and discomfort before that.
Thanks all and I’m sorry for all of your losses too.

for you all

I think we all grieve differently and perhaps in the shock stage. It takes time, best wishes to you all.

Take care of yourselves

I got married and had s wonderful day at my wedding a week after my dmum passed , i had tiny newborn son to look after so eaked out my grief over the past 3 years since she died
had mini break down on the second snnerversary so be prepared for grief leakage latter on
But all in all riven though her passing was horrific I've been really strong

There is no right or wrong way, and as you said she had been ill for so long and he watched the end, like others have said he did his grieving then and actually for him and her it’s a relief. Different to had she been well and been hit by a car or something.
It’s hard for everyone and you are lovely to be looking out for him

Both dh and I were calm when d mil passed 2 years ago and got on with things. However now in everyday life we both have day's where the loss of her. Missing her is close. Grieving takes time.

There is no proper way to grieve, it's very personal. Your DH sounds like a 'get on with it' kind of person. I'm like that too. I will have my down and sad moments but most of the time I keep myself busy and to others it may seem cold or unfeeling but I promise it isn't. I lost my Mum when I was 21, after a long illness. I had done my grieving in advance and I was relieved when her suffering was finally over.

I lost my Dad 10 years ago, much more suddenly, he was only ill for about 10 days. That was harder to deal with and I did a lot of crying, mostly in private though.
I'm really sorry for your loss x

Sorry to hear your news.

He is grieving, of course he is, what’s right for some isn’t always right for another. He may possibly feel an element of relief that his mum is released from pain, I know that is how I felt when I saw a close relation receiving end of life care. It’s very early days, let him be, as he goes through the stages.

You sound very caring and ready to help when needed, how are you coping OP?

@Afternooninthepark
So sorry for the loss ..and Your DH especially.

There is no set pattern to grief.

Everyone grieves differently, and at different rates.

Your DH may be 'Numbed by shock'
None of us cried at Dad's funeral..... but we were in deep shock.

Yet, when my friend died, and FIL died, the tears flowed like rivers.

A very helpful book was ''You'll get over it'' by Virginia Ironside.

I ordered the ''pet loss'' one, from library, but they sent the You'll get over it one instead...I was furious...and said ''what a stupid title!''...but as I'd paid, decided to read it anyway....and it explained the title. Very well.

As in....one of those trite things people love to say when an elderly person dies.

It explains grief quite well...and when Dear Dad died, I ordered it again.

Go easy on your DH. He is processing his grief in his own way.

I grieved the same way when my nan died she had been ill in the hospital after a massive stroke right before Christmas we lost her on New Year’s Day I was shocked that she had died because I didn’t expect her to but I carried on working through it all I don’t remember much about her funeral because I was on autopilot it wasn’t until a couple of months after we lost her that it finally hit me that she had died and I’m still trying to deal with it 3 years after we lost her.

Grief is like a stormy sea.... and one is cast adrift on a raft..... you can weather the storm, yet when things appear ok, a huge wave can crash over you, leaving one in silent tears in the supermarket...

Just go with the flow... Later Grief reactions can be triggered by something as 'simple' as the loss of a pet... and WOOSH....another load of grief comes out. Pets trigger very deep grief , probably as they tap in to deeper losses in the past.
''Goodbye, Dear Friend'' also by Virginia Ironside is very helpful re. pet loss too. Grief is grief. And it all hurts like heck.

She has been there for s lifetime
It's hard to comprehend she's gone

My mum lost her mum and my dad's aunt during lockdown. When gran died it was similarly expected and she would be asking to help her die. It was a relief. A noticeable passing of stress for my mother. She had grieved in a lot of ways already. My great aunt dying was different. Like a physical blow. You'd see her crying about my aunt. I'm sure the loss of her mum will be with her longer than the sudden (and it really was unexpected) death of the great aunt at my mum's own house. But there was a sense of coming to terms and already grieving for months before she died with my gran, she'd outlived the Dr's predictions by over a year. I think the preparation, for some, is useful. I am sure more grief will come, but perhaps the nostalgic sadness sort. Rather than the rawness you are experiencing. I am sorry for your loss give both of yourselves the time to deal with it all.
Funerals can be very cathartic. My own grief feels on hold for both my relatives as unlike my parents I couldn't attend the funerals.

There is no normal way to grieve op. Everybody will experience, and manage it differently.
Just be there for him and fil, and support them however they need.
I also find sometimes when you know a loved one is poorly and nearing the end, it doesn't necessarily hit you in the same way to start with.
Lots of love to you all

My MIL died three years ago, aged 51. She had several chronic conditions but she managed them, then died pretty suddenly and traumatically following a tiny complication that snowballed.

DH was devastated but he really kept it together. We even went on holiday two weeks after her funeral (it has been booked for a year and he insisted he still wanted to go). He didn't talk about his mum or her death, he was totally stoic.

It was months later that he admitted he cried a lot after I'd gone to bed, and one day shortly after he went back to work he was so upset his boss drove him home and ordered him to take more time off. Everyone grieves differently and some prefer to do it in private.

@Afternooninthepark

I haven’t told him how to grieve and never would, just concerned for him, he is always a busy kind of person so probably is doing what is best for him by keeping his mind active on other things. Romeolovedjulliet mil was in a LOT of pain for the last 3 weeks of her life, the last two days she had lots of morphine and something else which I’m not sure what it was, these left her in comatose state but it was hard to see her in so much pain and discomfort before that. Thanks all and I’m sorry for all of your losses too.

that is appalling pain management. i really do feel for you and dh seeing mil like that when there was no need for it to be like that. the whole philosophy is to assist with a good death having made it as comfortable as possible. there were some serious failings here. tbh i would be asking questions as to why that was.

I lost my mother last year. She had been ill for years and had dementia and had a long slow decline, so in a way her death was a release and a relief. I carried out a full day of socialising on the day she died, totally able to hold it together and even feel happiness. It was bizarre. In fact, I would say I was fine up until the funeral several weeks later. It was only gradually afterwards that I started to feel bereaved. I'm still going through it now, though maybe exacerbated by Covid and lockdown because I have less to occupy my time with?

Anyway, I suspect your dh will start to grieve a bit later. It is too soon for him now.

RomeolovedJuliette thank you. It was very stressful, we were told on Saturday morning that they were putting her on the end of life pathway that morning so we could all visit (previously only one person per day due to Covid) then it was retracted and she wasn't placed on it till the Monday.

Thank you all for your perspectives and personal experiences, we are all different and go through our own journeys differently. Just hope he'll be ok.

There is usually a 'shock' period after someone has died where you don't feel the weight of the loss yet. Add to that the fact that he had a horrendous week in the lead up to her death and probably might be protecting himself by not thinking about that and you can see why he's carrying on as normal.

I was the same when my grandad died.

The whole family took it in turns to care for him, so we all knew how desperately ill he was.

He was also incredibly intelligent but at the point of his death, a widower (and had never really got over the death of my nana, we at one point thought he might have gone not long after her), almost completely deaf and blind, in an immense amount of physical pain and utterly, utterly miserable, because while all of his peers, siblings, wife and friends had died, and his body fell to pieces his mind was as sharp as ever.

The sense of immense relief when he died was far greater than the still very great and real sadness we all felt. But he knew he was dying so did everyone else. So we had almost done our grieving before the fact.

I didn't cry when I got the call from my dad that he had died. I didn't cry at his wake.

I cried at his funeral and that was it until the following Easter, when no easter card came through the post and I broke down and sobbed my heart out. It was only then that it really hit me like a ton of bricks that I would never ever ever see him again, ever. Nor would we ever exchange cards or letters. Ds would never see him again. He was really properly gone.

I thú agus im trying to say, is that everyone grieves differently, and there is literally no wrong way of doing it.

Let him be, and let him grieve in his own way and in his own time.

Who are you to judge what is the 'proper' way to mourn? My OH died earlier this year, I'm sure that there are people who think I didn't do it 'properly'. ie as per their book, after the ambulance people, police and undertakers left I went out and cut the grass. We all do this our own way. Just be there if he decides he does need you.

@Afternooninthepark

We all grieve in different ways and over different timescales.

I still howl sometimes after 45 years

I agree with the posts saying leave him be.
When my dad died, I didn't really grieve like I think people expected me to. He'd been ill for so long, and after he chose to stop his meds, it took him about a week to go.
I was there at the hospital with him and my step mum, and I was relieved it was over. He'd had no life for about 5 years and he hated it. I think I only cried once, when I was driving behind his funeral car and my brain couldn't comprehend that was my daddy in the coffin we were following.
My dad was the most important person in my life as he was my #1 parent after my mum left when I was a toddler. I loved him more than anyone in the world other than my kids, but I wasn't sad that he had gone, because I think the man he'd been had been slowly disappearing for years anyway. I still miss him now, over a decade later, because he was the one I'd call.

He is coping in his own way and it sounds fine. x

I volunteered in a hospice as a teen and saw a lot of people reach the end of their life. People deal with death differently, I’ve seen different reactions. I’ve even seen people crack open the champagne over a dead body, which sounds macabre but it made sense for that person and that family. Sometimes when someone has been suffering for a long time it’s a relief and a comfort that they are no longer enduring it. Or perhaps he will fall apart in a few days/weeks/months. Death is part of life and we all do it differently.

Let him deal with it as he is able. And honestly take no notice of the Kubler Ross stuff., it was never applicable to bereaved relatives (was research conducted among the terminally ill) and mindlessly parroting it does a lot more harm than good.