To think my dh isn’t grieving properly?

[Afternooninthepark]

I’ve probably titled this wrong but I’m really concerned about dh.
We lost MIL last Thursday. She had been unwell for a few years but very much so the last month (due to treatment being withdrawn because of Covid but that’s another story!).
We spent all of last week with her at the hospice and it was beyond horrendous, she said things no one wants to hear a loved one say and asked us many times to put her to sleep etc to ease her from the pain. She asked dh (when he visited her on his own) if she was dying, no-one had told her! He had to tell her the truth as she begged him.
He was obviously devastated and spent most of last week in absolute tears and anguish.
However, since her passing, he has been fine, bearing in mind it’s only a week today. He was very close to his mum, she was a lovely lady and I thought he may have taken time off work to take time out and start the grieving process but instead he’s thrown himself back in to work and almost acting as though it hasn’t happened. Whilst I on the other hand am weeping all the time (in private as I don’t want to trigger anything in him), he goes to work, comes home, chats like normal (not really about his mum), watches tv and then sleeps well all night.
I appreciate we all grieve differently and I’m an over thinker so will stress more over this but I am genuinely concerned for him.
I’ve tried talking about it but he just says that last week was so awful, he couldn’t bare seeing her like that and now it’s a release. But he doesn’t even talk about her, doesn’t reminisce, nothing!
His dad is doing the same (mil and fil we’re together virtually everyday for the last 60 years), I’m concerned about him too.
Is this normal to just carry on like nothing as happened? AIBU to think it’s not healthy?

it's quite common and normal. brain goes into protective mode to protect you from the pain. it will get released when his brain is ready to deal with it.

There's no wrong or right way to grieve. Just let him feel what he needs to feel when he's ready, let him know you're there for him and just be there. That's all you can do

This is my favourite fried analogy

@Afternooninthepark go easy on yourself too, its just as hard worrying about your spouse when there is a loss in the family, and although it was your dp mum, she was your mil too, remember to grieve yourself

@waterlego that's it in a picture!

Different people believe differently. I'm the type to throw myself into my work too, although that lasts about a week and I crumble.

Please don't say or imply to him that he's somehow grieving wrong. I confided in a friend that I was struggling (as in feeling very upset) after another friend of mine killed herself last year, and she proceeded to suggest to me ways in which I could grieve better. She was only trying to help but It hurt me deeply because what I heard was "you're not grieving right". I somehow never found the words to tell her she had upset me (because I was in a world of grief and I couldn't find the resources within me to do the emotional labour) and our friendship is much more distant now. So beware of that. Xx

People will grieve how they grieve. People will tend to go through the stages of grief shock denial anger acceptance ect and may pass through them quickly/some quickly remain on one stage for a long time or go back through certain stages but will eventually heal. Just be prepared for his grief to 'surface' and help him with that.

I echo what other people have said, when my grandpa died it was a release from the alzheimers he had for the last few years, we had already lost him as the disease progressed.

It varies hugely how people process it. For me, in the short term it can be a sense of relief if the person was suffering. But later, weeks, months, years later I'm sometimes floored by the realization I'll never have time with them again. to you all

I’ve been bereaved in various circumstances many times sadly, and you could describe my grief as you have described your DH’s. Everyone grieves differently and you should allow him to do so.

Personally I like life to get back to ‘normal’ as soon as possible to everyone around me. In private I shed tears as and when I need to. I don’t do this in front of others. It’s not my way. Yet I am grieving and I’m not bottling it up. I’m doing it my way and it’s healthy for me.

This analogy also helped my DD & I think it’s true. Grief isn’t “all at once all the time”

twitter.com/laurenherschel/status/946887540732149760?s=21

My mum died suddenly when I was 30 and she was late fifties. I had to go back to work within a week. It was also Christmas time, but they only give you five days off for bereavement, so I had to go back. Anyway, I was quite happy to go tbh. Took my mind off things and gave me some purpose.

There's no right or wrong way. When my dad died I was the only one who could make all the necessary arrangements so it felt like I did all my grieving in fits and starts.

It differs for everyone

Timescales for grief vary hugely. Not only that but grief also doesn’t always look like we expect it to. I’ve barely cried at all. I don’t cry easily- I wish I could because I think it’s healthy. My grief has surfaced in other ways- often in the form of physical (but psychosomatic) illness.