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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my dh isn’t grieving properly?

87 replies

Afternooninthepark · 10/09/2020 12:58

I’ve probably titled this wrong but I’m really concerned about dh.
We lost MIL last Thursday. She had been unwell for a few years but very much so the last month (due to treatment being withdrawn because of Covid but that’s another story!).
We spent all of last week with her at the hospice and it was beyond horrendous, she said things no one wants to hear a loved one say and asked us many times to put her to sleep etc to ease her from the pain. She asked dh (when he visited her on his own) if she was dying, no-one had told her! He had to tell her the truth as she begged him.
He was obviously devastated and spent most of last week in absolute tears and anguish.
However, since her passing, he has been fine, bearing in mind it’s only a week today. He was very close to his mum, she was a lovely lady and I thought he may have taken time off work to take time out and start the grieving process but instead he’s thrown himself back in to work and almost acting as though it hasn’t happened. Whilst I on the other hand am weeping all the time (in private as I don’t want to trigger anything in him), he goes to work, comes home, chats like normal (not really about his mum), watches tv and then sleeps well all night.
I appreciate we all grieve differently and I’m an over thinker so will stress more over this but I am genuinely concerned for him.
I’ve tried talking about it but he just says that last week was so awful, he couldn’t bare seeing her like that and now it’s a release. But he doesn’t even talk about her, doesn’t reminisce, nothing!
His dad is doing the same (mil and fil we’re together virtually everyday for the last 60 years), I’m concerned about him too.
Is this normal to just carry on like nothing as happened? AIBU to think it’s not healthy?

OP posts:

Ceilingfan · 10/09/2020 13:28

You have to let him grieve his own way.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and sometimes it takes a long time or years to come out fully, some don't grieve at all, but get a relief that their loved one is no longer suffering.

Hold him if he falls, but be gentle to yourself too.

Original poster

Afternooninthepark · 10/09/2020 13:31

You are all right of course, everyone does have their own ordinal way to grieve. I’m just so worried about him. I will of course be there when he needs me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Afternooninthepark · 10/09/2020 13:31

Personal NOT ordinal!!?

OP posts:

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 10/09/2020 13:33

It is early days for your DH and he is probably still in shock. Our minds are kind to us when we have funerals to prepare and houses to sort. Often we can think someone is coping 'too well" but grief takes time to even start sometimes. He will grieve in his own time and in his own way. Just be there to support him when he needs you.

Original poster

Afternooninthepark · 10/09/2020 13:33

And when I look at it again, I’ve totally worded the title all wrong, it looks like I think there is only one way to grieve!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 10/09/2020 13:34

You have to let him be, there is no proper way to grieve.

I went to my estranged grandmothers funeral, the estrangement was from when I was a child and my mother died, and not my Choice. And I cried like a baby, I simply coildnt stop. Everyone must have been totally bemused by it but they clearly Saw it was genuine, the way they were gentle with me at the wake. And I could see all the confused side eyes during the funeral as people tried not to look at me. I simply couldn’t stop quietly crying. It was totally and utterly unexpected.. My poor husband did his best but was like a deer caught in the headlights.

Where as when my other grandmother died, the one I was close to, who was ill for a long time, I simply didn’t shed a tear. I was sad, and upset, but she’d been very ill for a long time and it was a relief she was out of pain.

I don’t know. You can’t judge it, and you can’t guess a reaction. It simoly is what it is.

Candleabra · 10/09/2020 13:35

I felt like this after my dad's death. Surprisingly ok for most of the time. Also after a long and terrible illness. A lot of grieving done already.

Also the grief curve, denial to acceptance has less and less credence these days. Because he's behaving like this doesn't necessarily mean he's in denial and a huge crash awaits. It's a very personal thing, and so depends on the person and type of death.

But none of this means you're wrong to grieve the way you do either though. I'm very sorry for your loss. Hopefully the memory of the last week's will fade quickly.

Friendsoftheearth · 10/09/2020 13:37

I was surprised when FIL and MIL died, my dh coped the same way as you, and all the way through was very composed and together. It did not catch up with him, there were no moments of extreme sadness or the situation hitting him. Occasionally something will remind him of them, and I can see he feels emotional but still contains himself - and the moment passes. We are all different. Support him quietly, without any fuss. I cooked his favourite dinner often, emptied the diary so he could relax, held him often and he was fine.

Friendsoftheearth · 10/09/2020 13:37

your dh

twoshedsjackson · 10/09/2020 13:37

When my DM died, I busied myself with all that needed to be done, totally calm and dry-eyed - partly, as others have said, because her decline had been so sad, it was a happy release (old cliche, I know).
Six months later, a trivial argument with a good friend (about duffel coats, would you believe!) broke the deadlock, rather to the poor blokes horror.......
At my mother's funeral and wake, I conducted myself with total self-controlled efficiency, yet when the mother of a very good friend of mine died, I was incapable of joining in with the hymns at her service.
Someone one made the analogy to me that, when you sustain a trivial injury on the rugby pitch, you are immediately aware of it, but if you are badly injured in the heat of the moment, it can take time for the pain to surface.
People react in different ways; just be sympathetic and supportive.

romeolovedjulliet · 10/09/2020 13:39

it's a very difficult time for you and dh but he in particular has to work through this in the way feels best for him, he's probably in denial that it has happened and therefore seems 'unaffected' so to speak,but when realisation kicks in then things will be different.
having worked as a terminal nurse for many years though i was a little concerned that mil had pain, was this often a problem ? patients can be pain controlled with a cocktail of drugs to make them comfortable. we used to tweek with the registered doctor until we had reduced as much as possible for the patients comfort

gumball37 · 10/09/2020 13:41

People can't grieve improperly... Just be there for him in whatever way you can and you grieve however is best for you.

EatDessertFirst · 10/09/2020 13:43

I gave myself a day to fall apart when my dad passed away in 2017 at the age of 57. The truth was, he'd been ill for 25 years. He was on copious amounts of medication and he was suffering. The relief I felt for him when I got the call was palpable and I felt horrendously guilty for being relieved. However, he had no quality of life and died peacefully in hospital. I cried at the funeral but I haven't since.

Your husband will grieve in his own way.

for all the posters who have suffered loss.

steemtranes · 10/09/2020 13:43

There is no right way or wrong way to grieve, everyone deals with it in the only way they personally feel able.

AriettyHomily · 10/09/2020 13:44

Honestly let him be, be there in a few weeks or months when he starts to process it. You cant make him need or want to grieve faster.

I'm sorry for your loss.

MrsExpo · 10/09/2020 13:46

Let him work it out for himself.

When my much loved mum died, it took about three weeks to actually hit me that she'd gone. So sorry for your loss.

starfishmummy · 10/09/2020 13:48

Going back to work is probably keeping him busy, its also being "normal" and that may be important to him. Just be there for when you are needed

raspberryk · 10/09/2020 13:50

When my Nana died I had spent the previous year grieving, once she died I was numb, and then so sad and pained but couldn't cry for weeks, then it slowly felt better and yet occasionally almost a decade later I will feel that intense sadness and be very tearful about her death.
@romeolovedjulliet I have found my Nana in a hospice was not in any pain, but more recently my Grandad was in the general hospital , highly anxious and in considerable pain and I had to beg and fight for proper pain relief for him.

JenniferSantoro · 10/09/2020 13:52

You’re being unrealistic and unreasonable by expecting him to behave a certain way. He’s probably still in shock. Even an expected death can be shocking. Don’t keep bringing it up, you have to let him deal with how he chooses.

wheresmybed · 10/09/2020 13:53

I think everyone's very different. I have in the past not cried or said much on the phone when I got the news from my DM that a close relative died it was a shock as they were fit and young. I was sad but kind of numb for a good day or two before the floodgates opened and I had a good sob on a random afternoon when I was sorting some laundry.

When my DGM passed I went through weeks of being fine and happy and then having quiet crys on and off usually on my own.
For some reason it always seems like I block myself from crying in front of people - no idea why, and tend to cry in private.

SueEllenMishke · 10/09/2020 13:53

Please just support him and let him deal with this in his own way.
Being told how to grieve is awful and you feel under so much pressure to 'perform'.
I lost my mum in a very shocking and sudden way and a friend was always telling me she didn't think i'd dealt with it properly. We don't speak any more.

Lockdownseperation · 10/09/2020 13:53

The first stage of grief is typical denial. It sounds like he maybe denying it to himself until he is ready to face it which is perfectly normal.

JoanJosephJim · 10/09/2020 13:57

Dh looks completely cold over his Mum dying but we had months and months to process that her cancer was terminal, we had been through a very similar thing with my Mum only 4 years earlier but hers was fast (just 3 months from diagnosis to death) so we knew what was coming.

My MIL died 6 years ago, every year his sister falls apart on the anniversary, Dh is very practical, just says I can't change her death, I loved her, I am devastated that she has gone but I am glad she isn't in pain anymore and I would rather remember all the good times, the laughs we had with her, look at photos and videos of her. I feel the same way, about my lovely MIL and my own Mum, who was also lovely.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 10/09/2020 13:58

Oh OP I grieved for my mum long before she died. Death was a relief when it finally came.

She died from pancreatic cancer, her last conscious moment she was screaming in agony, with her mouth open like a baby bird desperate for her morphine. She wasn't my mum by that point and her life wasn't one with meaning anymore. It was an existence. The day she finally passed we were all so happy for her to finally be out of the agony and absolute despair she'd been in for weeks.

Abraid2 · 10/09/2020 14:01

I was like this when my father died. I had done a lot of pre-mourning and grieving, and had been very stressed for some years. To be honest, it was a relief, amongst the sadness, that he was at peace.

Nine months on I still miss him terribly but feel no need to cry.

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