How can I let go of pain DP caused. Or should I even be doing that?

[NeedALittleThyme]

DP and I have been together for four years, and have two DC together. Something has come up tonight that has been causing me a lot of problems, because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to let go of things from the past in order to be useful in the here and now.

Two main things have happened in the past that really crushed me. The first; when DC was a few months old, I was staying with my DM for the weekend. DC has not slept at all during my stay, so I was exhausted. DM strongly advised me to call DP and ask him to come to her house and drive the car back with me and DC. I phoned, DP said no. His first reason was that he didn't want to take public transport (this was waaaay before pandemic times) and he did t want his dad to give him a lift. He was tired. It sounds silly, but it really hurt me so much to feel that he wasn't willing to 'come to my rescue' when I needed him.

The second incident, just short of one year ago now, we were staying with MIL in another pet of England, 4 hours drive away to give perspective. We went with one of DP's friends, and that friend wasn't enjoying his stay at all, so DP said he will drive him back to our city, and then come back for me the next morning (because the car was full of shopping that we had done whilst there, we couldn't all fit for a return journey. The next day, I asked him what time he was likely to be there. He kept giving me vague answers. Then said he was coming down with a cold. Then said his father was unwell. When I finally video called him, he was watching wrestling with his nephew and was not planning to come that day after all because of his oncoming cold. When he left with his friend, he forgot to leave me the pushchair. His mum also punched a wall just as he was about to leave (whole other story) and believed she had broken her fingers, so was unable to help me with DC. I ran out of Aptamil for them and needed more. But I couldn't leave her house, because DC couldn't walk. After a while, the reality hit me and I broke down and called DM. She insisted that I call DP and tell him he MUST come back to get us. Eventually he did, but he was so angry with me.

Since all of that, since a lot of dust has settled, he has apologised for what he did. I have tried to move on. But in the last couple of days, MIL has been taken to hospital, and he was on the edge of his seat ready to jump in the car and drive four hours to be near her.

I've lost a parent very young. There is no way that I would throw any of the past back at him as a reason he shouldn't go. I have actively encouraged him to go. None of that is the issue.

The issue is knowing that when I needed him, he couldn't be there for me, but he will move hell and high water to be near his mum when she's unwell (not terminal in any way, I should add)

AIBU to still feel pain about this? It's affecting my ability to support him properly. I've been giving him short answers and focusing on housework. If I am BU, please help me to see it. If I'm not, then what do I do from here? How do I get past it? This is obviously not healthy for either of us!!

Please help

I am sorry for the essay. I don't know a way of making any of those points more succinct. If anybody has time to read all that, I will really appreciate any help or advice.

yanbu sorry but he has clearly and repeatedly shown you that neither you or your dc are a priority to him .
What do you get from this relationship?

It all sounds very complicated but in the first instance I think your mum could have been more supportive. You were already staying with her, she shouldn't have demanded your DP come and pick you up. Couldn't she help you with your DC? Also it Sounds like your MIL is not very supportive either. Your DP definitely could have done more but it sounds like he was put in unfortunate circumstances both times with the friend unexpectedly needing to come home and his DM punching a wall ?! All Sounds stressful for him as well and I think you should try and let it go. Can you learn to drive yourself?

YANBU, he's a knob.

What's he like day to day? Does he do his equal share of housework, childcare?

Does he expect you to be there when he needs help?

It's a sinking feel when you realise you can't rely on the one person you should be able to rely on the most. Don't marry him!

I agree with cabinfever. I think your Mother has his measure and has your back. He may mature but in the meantime, you may lose all respect for him.

I think your mum could have been more helpful seeing as you were staying with her, I assume she can't drive but to tell you to go to have a sleep would have been helpful. But it does sound like he is a bit of a lazy arse as well.
But comparing the possible death of a parent compared to you being tired and wanting a lift is not comparable but I can I stand why you are upset I would be as well. In the absence of any other evidence this needs and good talking out when the issue with your mil has resolved.

He sounds like a knob. How is he as a partner normally?

Your first example is a bit odd though, why couldn't your mum help you out so you could sleep before it got to the needing to call someone else time?

Yes, let's all blame the mum. She had just had her dd to stay the weekend, we don't know why OP had to go home, but let's blame the mum for not being supportive

Don’t agree with @Spinakker at all. Yes he must have been so stressed watching wrestling with his nephew.

He sounds like a total prick and doesn’t put you or his DC first. Is he supportive to you at all?!

I don't really know why DM didn't 'dive in' to do more with DC and let me sleep, but I do know that I wouldn't have slept because I would have been worried that DM was struggling to cope. I appreciate that's my issue. I can drive, but I don't own a car, I use DP's. DM can drive, she's a very nervous driver at the best of times and I don't think she would have dreamed of driving across the city to drop us off.

@10pennychews I do completely agree about that. Losing a parent is a horrific pain. I'm not hurt because he wouldn't take the weight off my shoulders so to speak. I was hurt because at the time, I was extremely sleep deprived. I was petrified that I would fall asleep at the wheel. In the end I drank a few red bulls to get me through, and we got home safe.

Also @Spinakker I can see that it was potentially stressful for DP the second time. But the first incident, he had no commitments. He was watching Netflix in bed when I called him.

Sorry for all the separate replies. @honeygirlz I can say for certain that the housework load is mainly in my court. DP works, I'm a SAHM.

He does expect me to be there when he needs help. This is one of those times. He's getting g upset that I'm not overly invested in hugging him and telling him it will be okay. I'm pretty certain that my distance is glaringly obvious, I'm not helping him and I don't want that.

You need a car ASAP. He has proven that you can’t be reliant on him. Whilst he’s there, it’s an 8 hour round trip alone (let alone the time he spends with her). How are you and the children supposed to get around whilst he’s gone? You need that independence from him

@Healththrowaway199 I totally agree. Finances mean that I can't afford to have one, though. I have actually said that I am never going back to that part of the country with DP, which is why he's planning on going alone this time. I will take the pushchair out of the car myself before he goes. I'm happy to walk to all of the places that would be necessary when I'm alone with DC.

It's affecting my ability to support him properly.

What do you mean by this?

I would have left him, especially for the second one.

It's not even just about you. It's about your joint children. His FAMILY, just as his mum is family.

But he doesn't feel that way.

You know those men that walk out on their kids and never look back? Or those ones that might be aorund but don't really bother, and they say awww love my kids man yeah, and you look at them and think - 'No. You don't love them. You say you do because it should be a given, but actually - you don't' - and you wonder how on earth that happens because, well, you would die for your kids, yes?

He's one of those men. Not a keeper.

This isn't really about your relationship. It's about the kind of man he is.

Well tbh I think YABU.

The first example doesn't have much detail to make a judgement on, but it does sound like you were laying on the helplessness a bit. You're staying with your mother but you need him to come and pick you up because DC won't sleep and you're tired? Eh? Why can't your mother take them for a while? And you and your mum are both drivers but you want him to take public transport (it sounds like late at night) to come and get the car. Would've been nice for him to jump up and get you but I think you should probably let that one go.

Second example is much clearer in YABU territory, first he has to drive four hours to take your friend back to the city, then the plan is for him to drive back to you the next day and then take you back as well (so 8 hours driving that day). He's feeling under the weather so wants to move it to the next day but you call and tell him he MUST come back to get you? Why? Because your MILs hand hurt so she couldn't babysit while you got formula? Why couldn't she get the formula?

That’s a shame. I know it’s easier said than done, but your own car should be a priority. Would your mum be able to help you with the cost?

Frankly if this was an actual partnership or healthy relationship, he would just take the train to his mum and leave you with the car. It obviously places you in a much more difficult predicament to be stuck without a car with young children vs him.

I’m not saying his mum isn’t important at all, but he should place you and his kids on a similar pedestal. He shouldn’t be doing things at your expense.

Sorry, I meant he shouldn’t be doing things at the expense of you/your kids well being/to your detriment

@TherapistInATabard meaning that I feel hurt when I try to support him with hugs and understanding, and I haven't been able to say "do whatever you need to do, I'll be just fine, go be with your mother". Those kinds of things. I have said I definitely think he should go. I've said I'll be fine with the kids. But I think it's becoming obvious that something is wrong.

@Hont1986 to address your points, no it wasn't night time, it was around noon. DM is a teacher. She needed to mark books and plan lessons so I needed to leave early on the Sunday. I'm not saying that's necessarily a good reason, but that was her reason. With the second one, what hurt the most was waiting until 10am (the time he said he'd be there by), realising I hadn't heard from him, and then all of the delay tactics. I said to him, if he was feeling too unwell to come back as he promised, he should have told me as soon as he made that decision.

MIL couldn't go to the shop for me because she couldn't take her scooter with her 'broken hand'. (It turned out it wasn't broken). That's what she said. Even if she could have gone in anybody's opinion, it wasn't going to happen.

@Healththrowaway199 DM was going to give me her old car when she bought her new one, but the trade in offer at the time she went to buy her new one was just too big to turn down. She's not flush, she can't help me financially with things like getting a car

What struck me was that your own mother was involved in both of the incidents you mention.

You say that a parent (who was not your mother) died when you were very young.

I notice that in both examples, you're feeling angry/abandoned at the father of your children for not being there for you.

Do you feel those might be connected or is that too much of a leap?

You (and the children) really don't seem like a priority for him. And, quite frankly, it's not your DM's responsibility to support you with the children, it's his and to pick up/collect you and them.
He sounds like a selfish fucker!
I don't blame you for feeling resentment and anger towards him, which is interfering with your ability to support him. He has let you down.
Of course, if you don't 'support' him in his grief, you'll never hear the last of it from him!

YANBU, he sounds like an absolute wanker. In the first instance, he should have been concerned enough about you and your child's safety to come and get you, as for the second, his family should have been his, first priority, not his friend.