How can I let go of pain DP caused. Or should I even be doing that?

[NeedALittleThyme]

DP and I have been together for four years, and have two DC together. Something has come up tonight that has been causing me a lot of problems, because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to let go of things from the past in order to be useful in the here and now.

Two main things have happened in the past that really crushed me. The first; when DC was a few months old, I was staying with my DM for the weekend. DC has not slept at all during my stay, so I was exhausted. DM strongly advised me to call DP and ask him to come to her house and drive the car back with me and DC. I phoned, DP said no. His first reason was that he didn't want to take public transport (this was waaaay before pandemic times) and he did t want his dad to give him a lift. He was tired. It sounds silly, but it really hurt me so much to feel that he wasn't willing to 'come to my rescue' when I needed him.

The second incident, just short of one year ago now, we were staying with MIL in another pet of England, 4 hours drive away to give perspective. We went with one of DP's friends, and that friend wasn't enjoying his stay at all, so DP said he will drive him back to our city, and then come back for me the next morning (because the car was full of shopping that we had done whilst there, we couldn't all fit for a return journey. The next day, I asked him what time he was likely to be there. He kept giving me vague answers. Then said he was coming down with a cold. Then said his father was unwell. When I finally video called him, he was watching wrestling with his nephew and was not planning to come that day after all because of his oncoming cold. When he left with his friend, he forgot to leave me the pushchair. His mum also punched a wall just as he was about to leave (whole other story) and believed she had broken her fingers, so was unable to help me with DC. I ran out of Aptamil for them and needed more. But I couldn't leave her house, because DC couldn't walk. After a while, the reality hit me and I broke down and called DM. She insisted that I call DP and tell him he MUST come back to get us. Eventually he did, but he was so angry with me.

Since all of that, since a lot of dust has settled, he has apologised for what he did. I have tried to move on. But in the last couple of days, MIL has been taken to hospital, and he was on the edge of his seat ready to jump in the car and drive four hours to be near her.

I've lost a parent very young. There is no way that I would throw any of the past back at him as a reason he shouldn't go. I have actively encouraged him to go. None of that is the issue.

The issue is knowing that when I needed him, he couldn't be there for me, but he will move hell and high water to be near his mum when she's unwell (not terminal in any way, I should add)

AIBU to still feel pain about this? It's affecting my ability to support him properly. I've been giving him short answers and focusing on housework. If I am BU, please help me to see it. If I'm not, then what do I do from here? How do I get past it? This is obviously not healthy for either of us!!

Please help

I think you need to work out your relationship with your mother more than you need to work out your relationship with your husband. She caused a great deal of mischief in your relationship in the first incident. She wanted you to visit with your baby, but then would not help you long enough even for you to take a nap? She should be competent at taking care of infants--she had you. Your request for a ride was weird and melodramatic, considering that you had the car.

@Durgasarrow I hadn't slept in over 48 hrs. Driving back wasn't safe. I did it anyway though in the end so no love lost.

I've already mentioned, I'm not questioning whether I was right to feel hurt at the time. I was just trying to move past it enough to help DP with his current issue. It turns out he doesn't need help with that either, as MIL was lying about the severity of the problem.

To be honest, I'm not sure I want to work on my relationship any more. If you honestly can't ask or expect your partner to come and help you in a situation without being called dramatic, then what's the point in having a partnership?

oh no question for me, LTB. Selfishness, dysfunctional family, drama queens the lot of them. I'd be out.

He sounds like an utter prick. Your children should not be exposed to MIL's violence and uncontrolled emotions.

I think you'd be best off leaving him.

I decided after LTB, I’d never ever be in a relationship with a person who I felt I’d need to beg to help me and then spend the rest of my life thanking.

I’d rather be alone than miserable, whilst my ‘partner’ swans around living happily whilst I slog and struggle and cook and clean and am expected to have sex with him.

Relationships should be mutually beneficial and fun and both partners should always have eachothers back.

I’m also in the LTB camp. But I have a very low tolerance level these days. Where many feel they need to ‘work’ on their relationship I’d far rather spend the time enjoying my life without the dead weight.

So if your DP suddenly found himself too unwell to drive whilst being responsible for a small child, you'd tell him to sod off because you don't do rescuing?

If he was a bit tired then yes, I'd expect him to drive himself, just like I would. I've driven tired and sick many many times. I don't know, I just think it's an unrealistic expectation unless you have that fawning over each type relationship, which OP clearly doesn't.

I think you should figure out how best to leave him practically/financially, double down on birth control and get out as soon as possible.
You might get some time off if he bothers with access and if he doesn't at least friends/family are more likely to be helpful as you'll be seen as the single parent you already are.
He's lazy and uninterested in being a man. You can't change him, just yourself.

Honestly, it's sad, but I agree that I should probably start making plans. Either because he is a dick, or I'm too needy. Either way it's not working so what difference does it make. Thanks all.

There was a short period of time where I would ask him to sit in the car with me and DC so that when we got to the shops I could run in and get what we needed without having to faff with pushchair etc. He always said no, and wouldn't accept me leaving DC with him so I had to take them. Since that time I have given up asking him for any kind of practical help.

I’m not sure why you’re with him, having read this. What is the point of him?

@Brigante9 he's been struggling with PTSD and depression. As frustrating as it's all been, I've been trying very hard to step back and wait for him to get back to his old self. But that's not happening.

@NeedALittleThyme thing is, he jumps in for others, just not you. Refusing to have the dc so you can go shopping is just ridiculous!

@Brigante9 you're not going to hear any arguments from me, I completely agree. I don't think I've been naive so much as wilfully ignorant, I wanted to believe that there was a deeper meaning behind his actions at that myself and DC are actually the centre of his world. But now it's really hit home, and I'm feeling quite sorry for myself. Not just because of the incidents I've mentioned here, but also a lot of other less dramatic situations, that all fit into the same box. It feels really crap.

@NeedALittleThyme - what worries me most for you is - if he can't care for you when you've had sleepless nights & a danger to yourself by driving - how is he going to bother if you were to be seriously unwell or meet with a life changing accident? The point of partnership/marriage is to support the other person when they are low & in need of care. If he couldn't do that merely because it was inconvenient, I would never be able to count on him to do it when it were actually tough. It questions the point of your relationship.

@FakeFlamingo I totally agree, and that's how I feel all the time. I'm starting to think this whole thing is dead in the water. I can't rely on him at all.

@NeedALittleThyme - sorry you are finding yourself in this position. But, better now than after you really need a supportive partner - due to illness etc. Now you have the opportunity to possibly find someone who cares. Fingers crossed for you.

I'm a Mum who didn't jump in because I wanted my DD to wake up to what a useless shit of a person her 'D'P was. I didn't opt to have a child, they did. In the end I did have to because it became clear that she wasn't going to leave him and she was really struggling. With her second, I didn't because if I did there would have been a third (two DC of the same sex, he wanted to try again).

Unless you consult your wider family before you conceive, then the parents should be the first port of call.

Thankfully she's now split with him. I'm still picking up his share and quite frankly it isn't how I pictured my 50's.

OP this relationship is dead in the water, as you said.

[quote NeedALittleThyme]@FakeFlamingo I totally agree, and that's how I feel all the time. I'm starting to think this whole thing is dead in the water. I can't rely on him at all.[/quote]

So, now would be a good time, if not already started, to consider how you will manage financially when you leave this unsupportive person.

What are your possible immediate plans? Would it be feasible to move in with your mother for a time whilst you sort yourself out longer term? What is your housing situation- eg: do you co-own your home or rent? Have you checked what you might be entitled to on universal credit? Check www.entitledto.co.uk or www.turn2us.org.uk or www.gov.uk. Also check the CMS website to calculate how much child maintenance he'd have to pay. These are some things to consider in your own time - no need to respond here.

I'd do as much research and preparation about your options before you speak to him so you have a good idea of what your situation will be before you tell him and he possibly kicks off (likely?) or backtracks. Think about child access also as he may well bring this up.

Good luck for the future @NeedALittleThyme 🌹

Oops - sorry. Don't know why that all became bold text...

I doubt you have a problem regarding holding grudges OP - it's more like you can't move on from those incidents because he's still exhibiting the behaviour that drove them. A bit like how you wouldn't be able to move on from an affair if the cheater was still sexting other people.

Also as a SAHP you're extremely vulnerable when your partner is clearly someone who doesn't have your back. I'd be rethinking the relationship for sure.

I'm a Mum who didn't jump in because I wanted my DD to wake up to what a useless shit of a person her 'D'P was.

Yes, that's the vibe I'm getting from both incidents you describe, OP. In both, your mother 'insists on'/ 'strong advises' your DP to come and pick you up from somewhere you are stranded. It strikes me that you appear to need someone else to say this for you/on your behalf, and that your mother is deliberately not helping you out because she feels your DP should be stepping up, and isn't, and you don't appear to be able to tell him this, or to have an equal voice in arrangements.

Also, from these two incidents, he sounds desperate to get away from you, if I'm honest, or at least to spend time apart. The second time, with the friend who wasn't enjoying himself, so your DP, a man who won't come and pick up his dangerously tired partner with a small baby, volunteers to drive the friend four hours home, but is unable to fit his partner into the car because it's full of shopping, and then postpones returning for her.

He sounds awful. You sound timid and passive, and frightened of crossing him, and as though you need your mother to insist on decent behavior from your DP. You also really need your own transport.

I'd have ended it some time ago, I think.

@NeedALittleThyme I think you need to clarify that you were with your MIL and NOT your DM for the second incident. As most posters are not grasping that.

YANBU

[quote Racinglikeapronow]**@NeedALittleThyme* I think you need to clarify that you were with your MIL and NOT* your DM for the second incident. As most posters are not grasping that.

YANBU[/quote]
But it's still the OP's DM who intervenes again in the second incident, even though the OP is staying with her MIL (who thinks she's broken her hand from punching a wall, and can't/won't help with the baby) -- it's her DM who (again) insists that she call her DP and tell him to come back and get her and the baby.

@GoatWardrobe and isn’t she lucky to have someone like her DM in her life who seems to actually care about her.

My DH would never have left me in either situation he would have done what her DM said without even having to be asked.

So again Op is not being unreasonable to expect her DH to care for her and their children.

TBH until starting this thread I hadn't compared him being unwilling to get a lift 20mins away to help me, to him jumping up and driving his friend four hours back home because he said he wasn't having fun.

He said he'd be back at 10am the following day. Unprompted and passionately. It wasn't until 12pm I realised that it wasn't happening. He could have told me. I'm not disputing that.

Honestly, I think people are right about DM trying to show me that DP is useless. Or at least trying to guide DP to be useful.

I'm so, so fed up. I've been thinking actively for the past week or so about the practicalities of leaving. About accommodation and finance etc. I'm going to apply for universal credit and for housing. I'm not going to tell him because life will become utter hell. His excuses for not being able to help recently are just compounding this feeling for me every day. He's not bothered. He often pushes to spend time with me, but when it comes to being there for DC he's not interested, because it's too much work I guess. They're not work. They're beautiful children and they deserve to feel like their father would move the earth to be there for them. Not their GPs, that's a bonus, not a requirement. Honestly I can't understand the sentiment that DM should have done more and let DP chill out and finish his show. Why? Why should she have done that?

isn’t she lucky to have someone like her DM in her life who seems to actually care about her

My point was that it seems to have required the OP's DM's intervention on both occasions to even get the OP to get her DP to return and get her and the baby -- as if she needs someone else's authority to back up her own to even ask him something entirely reasonable.