How can I let go of pain DP caused. Or should I even be doing that?

[NeedALittleThyme]

DP and I have been together for four years, and have two DC together. Something has come up tonight that has been causing me a lot of problems, because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to let go of things from the past in order to be useful in the here and now.

Two main things have happened in the past that really crushed me. The first; when DC was a few months old, I was staying with my DM for the weekend. DC has not slept at all during my stay, so I was exhausted. DM strongly advised me to call DP and ask him to come to her house and drive the car back with me and DC. I phoned, DP said no. His first reason was that he didn't want to take public transport (this was waaaay before pandemic times) and he did t want his dad to give him a lift. He was tired. It sounds silly, but it really hurt me so much to feel that he wasn't willing to 'come to my rescue' when I needed him.

The second incident, just short of one year ago now, we were staying with MIL in another pet of England, 4 hours drive away to give perspective. We went with one of DP's friends, and that friend wasn't enjoying his stay at all, so DP said he will drive him back to our city, and then come back for me the next morning (because the car was full of shopping that we had done whilst there, we couldn't all fit for a return journey. The next day, I asked him what time he was likely to be there. He kept giving me vague answers. Then said he was coming down with a cold. Then said his father was unwell. When I finally video called him, he was watching wrestling with his nephew and was not planning to come that day after all because of his oncoming cold. When he left with his friend, he forgot to leave me the pushchair. His mum also punched a wall just as he was about to leave (whole other story) and believed she had broken her fingers, so was unable to help me with DC. I ran out of Aptamil for them and needed more. But I couldn't leave her house, because DC couldn't walk. After a while, the reality hit me and I broke down and called DM. She insisted that I call DP and tell him he MUST come back to get us. Eventually he did, but he was so angry with me.

Since all of that, since a lot of dust has settled, he has apologised for what he did. I have tried to move on. But in the last couple of days, MIL has been taken to hospital, and he was on the edge of his seat ready to jump in the car and drive four hours to be near her.

I've lost a parent very young. There is no way that I would throw any of the past back at him as a reason he shouldn't go. I have actively encouraged him to go. None of that is the issue.

The issue is knowing that when I needed him, he couldn't be there for me, but he will move hell and high water to be near his mum when she's unwell (not terminal in any way, I should add)

AIBU to still feel pain about this? It's affecting my ability to support him properly. I've been giving him short answers and focusing on housework. If I am BU, please help me to see it. If I'm not, then what do I do from here? How do I get past it? This is obviously not healthy for either of us!!

Please help

To be honest everyone in your life sounds so u helpful... your partner, your DM & MIL all sound useless.

Unhelpful*

YABU to punish him and resent him for actions that happened in the past.

You either get over it and move on, or it’s a dealbreaker and you leave.

Hi Op it is so hard to let go of resentments. my own marriage broke down as there were things I just couldn't get out of my mind around selfishness and not caring. I think there's a difference between someone who is really sorry and "sees" you, and is able to see they were a dick, and someone who apologises to keep the peace, but deep down doesn't believe he did anything wrong, or giving him the benefit of the doubt, doesn't understand where you're coming from. My advice would be to put some distance with your mother and MIL, concentrate on you and dh. My mother contributed quite a lot to my break up, I'm not saying it wouldn't have happened anyway, but she was always stirring things between us, and causing tension. It's really hard to let go of resentments though - its a problem I have, I hold onto things for ages. It's something I don't like about myself

Thanks for all of the replies. They're just as scattered as my thoughts, so I really don't know what to do. For clarification, I'm not really questioning whether I should have been hurt by the incidents. Because a) I was hurt by them, and b) input I have had from professionals since has made me understand why it was hurtful. As a PP said I guess yes it is the tip of an iceberg, and since then, he hasn't 'come to my rescue' - because I haven't asked. Anything I do, I do so on the understanding that I'm doing it alone, and if I can't do something without potentially needing help (in the form of a lift or similar) then I'm not going to do it. There was a short period of time where I would ask him to sit in the car with me and DC so that when we got to the shops I could run in and get what we needed without having to faff with pushchair etc. He always said no, and wouldn't accept me leaving DC with him so I had to take them. Since that time I have given up asking him for any kind of practical help.

A PP asked if MIL punched the wall deliberately. Yes, she did. She was in the midst of a fallout with a friend who was staying with her, the friend stormed out of the house and she punched the wall, then cried and smoked in her garden. She has medical issues and is on enough medication to mean that I don't view her as a suitable person to leave DC alone with. So I couldn't have gone myself to get the milk.

DP is teetotal, no drink or drugs, so his reason for not coming back was that he was coming down with a cold. As I mentioned before, I would have much preferred he called me in the morning to tell me that. Having me ask and have to keep checking to see what was happening made things so much harder. I imagine that if he had told me first thing, I would have made some kind of plan, somehow.

It turns out that MIL had been constantly in touch with her sister throughout yesterday and the day before, and was ignoring messages from FIL, SIL and DP, so his worry about her health has been replaced with frustration. He may not go to see her now that he knows it's not as serious as he originally thought.

@spanielmum3 your response has really resonated with me. I completely agree. Holding on to things that have happened in the past is one of the things I hate the most about myself. I want to be 'easy breezy'. But at the same time it doesn't mean that what happened didn't hurt. It's so frustrating. Thank you for your advice. Have you found a better relationship since yours broke down?

There was a short period of time where I would ask him to sit in the car with me and DC so that when we got to the shops I could run in and get what we needed without having to faff with pushchair etc. He always said no, and wouldn't accept me leaving DC with him so I had to take them. Since that time I have given up asking him for any kind of practical help.

So what was he doing when you were (grocery?) shopping with 2 DC?

@ShitStain

When mil assaulted the wall, couldn’t you put the baby to bed and when baby is asleep nipped to the shops to buy baby milk?

Your partner sounds hopeless though. It sounds like he prefers time away from you.

I had enough to last me until later the following day. DP said he'd be back by 10am the following day. If I'd had any inclination that he wouldn't be back, not just late but at all, then I most likely would have walked to the shops after DC bedtime. I told him as he was leaving that he didn't have to worry about being back as early as 10am because it's a lot of driving. He told me that he was going to be back as soon as possible because he'd miss us all and he didn't want to leave me to deal with his mum's drama by myself. So the switch to me having to check if he was coming at all, followed by finding out he wasn't planning to come, really threw me.

OP the long and short of it is that you can’t rely on him for anything. The whole point of having a partner is that they are someone to share life’s ups and downs with, to help one another and be there for one another.

He’s not there for you or the children so he’s actually not acting as a partner at all, is he? In your shoes I would end things as then you at least a) know for sure that you are raising your kids on your own, rather than hoping he will one day help out and b) you will have a chance of meeting a real partner one day.

At the moment you are stuck with a helpless user who adds nothing to your life

"So what was he doing when you were (grocery?) shopping with 2 DC?"

I don't know exactly. Whenever I came back, he had YouTube paused or his laptop paused on a game. Maybe catching up with friends. Sometimes doing his hobby. I don't ask him to come any more anyway, so these are the things he does while I'm out. Unless I insist that DC must stay with him because the weather is awful.

@NeedALittleThyme

"So what was he doing when you were (grocery?) shopping with 2 DC?"

I don't know exactly. Whenever I came back, he had YouTube paused or his laptop paused on a game. Maybe catching up with friends. Sometimes doing his hobby. I don't ask him to come any more anyway, so these are the things he does while I'm out. Unless I insist that DC must stay with him because the weather is awful.

No wonder you feel resentful, you can't rely on him, he's happy to please himself and let you struggle instead of being a team and the moment he wants support you have to snap to attention.

He sounds like a dick - and not a man you can rely on

He's a bellend and you're essentially a single parent so you may as well make it official and have the chance to meet someone who supports and loves you the way a true partner should. I'm so sorry OP, you deserve more.

It sounds like you and your DP have communication issues. The instances you've described would not be deal breakers to me, especially if he has sincerely apologised for them. But if he is in general an absent father, leaves the brunt of the work to you, doesn't appreciate you and actively tries to shirk responsibility then that's different.

Can you have a frank discussion with him and air these issues? Perhaps with a counsellor? For your own sake I wouldn't fall into the role of martyr and just do everything yourself because you think he'll say no if you ask for help. You are not unreasonable to feel hurt though OP

I felt very unsupported, unacknowledged and living a separate life to my exH. He was off helping friends, hobby time and generally living his best life whilst I was dealing with the realities of children, changing my working hours, keeping the house reasonable and organising family time on both sides. It was actually a relief when it was over as I then had as much responsibility but no expectation to be there for him, constantly talking through work issues, health worries etc with him was always one sided too. Life is too short to expend that much effort on someone who doesn't reciprocate.

I don't know if he can improve, obviously I decided to get out. But you need to be clear about expecting a balanced relationship in terms of support and effort. He might listen. I don't know.

Can you have a frank discussion with him and air these issues? Perhaps with a counsellor? For your own sake I wouldn't fall into the role of martyr and just do everything yourself because you think he'll say no if you ask for help.

She doesn't think he'll say no if she asks him for help, he actually has told her no - see OPs last two posts.

And ps when I've faced hic ups like broken down cars or stranded at work with a migraine I know I could rely on my partner but also I've had friends and even colleagues literally leap to the rescue. People help people particularly the ones they care about. His indifference sounds hard to take.

Actually I've changed my mind about the second incident, it would thoroughly piss me off if my DP left me alone after his mother had thrown a fit, and then expected me to stay with her and solo parent because he had a cold!

OK, I take back what I said before. These were not just isolated instances of thoughtlessness, they were part of a pattern. You are a single parent. Does he add anything to your happiness or wellbeing?

What (if any) parenting does he actually do if he won't even sit in the car with DC while you shop?

The episodes you describe do sound shitty of him and I think you were right to be hurt. However, if he was a decent Dad and Husband and just had a couple of stupid moments that he apologised for, I don't think you'd be holding on to them. I think you're holding on to those incidents as his day to day behaviour isn't supportive and sharing of the parenting. So those incidents become benchmarks of his lack of support more than they would otherwise. I'm making some assumptions there but does that sound right?

Do you feel loved by him?

Does he prioritise you and his DC now?

Do you want to grow old with him, be with him day in day out?

It is up to you and your partner to care for your children not your mum

I pressed send by accident on my last post then lost the reply I typed

it's NOT his fault that you didn't have a buggy

Of course it is. OP clearly stated that when he went off with his friend he left the buggy in the car. He should have checked before he left or was he so bloody glad to escape parental duties. Couldn't friend have taken a train home or you could have all left and gone home at the same time.

@TheWernethWife I think the friend could have taken a train home. I remember being stunned that DP was offering to drive him back in the first place. Also we were originally planning to leave some of the shopping there and let FIL bring it back with him, so if he really wanted to he could have taken us all back. But he said he wasn't ready to go back home, he just wanted to drop off his friend and then spend a few more days with MIL and doing things around town. That might all sound very conflicting, because it is. He wanted to stay, but he didn't want to come back. To this day I can't make sense of it.