How can I let go of pain DP caused. Or should I even be doing that?

[NeedALittleThyme]

DP and I have been together for four years, and have two DC together. Something has come up tonight that has been causing me a lot of problems, because no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to let go of things from the past in order to be useful in the here and now.

Two main things have happened in the past that really crushed me. The first; when DC was a few months old, I was staying with my DM for the weekend. DC has not slept at all during my stay, so I was exhausted. DM strongly advised me to call DP and ask him to come to her house and drive the car back with me and DC. I phoned, DP said no. His first reason was that he didn't want to take public transport (this was waaaay before pandemic times) and he did t want his dad to give him a lift. He was tired. It sounds silly, but it really hurt me so much to feel that he wasn't willing to 'come to my rescue' when I needed him.

The second incident, just short of one year ago now, we were staying with MIL in another pet of England, 4 hours drive away to give perspective. We went with one of DP's friends, and that friend wasn't enjoying his stay at all, so DP said he will drive him back to our city, and then come back for me the next morning (because the car was full of shopping that we had done whilst there, we couldn't all fit for a return journey. The next day, I asked him what time he was likely to be there. He kept giving me vague answers. Then said he was coming down with a cold. Then said his father was unwell. When I finally video called him, he was watching wrestling with his nephew and was not planning to come that day after all because of his oncoming cold. When he left with his friend, he forgot to leave me the pushchair. His mum also punched a wall just as he was about to leave (whole other story) and believed she had broken her fingers, so was unable to help me with DC. I ran out of Aptamil for them and needed more. But I couldn't leave her house, because DC couldn't walk. After a while, the reality hit me and I broke down and called DM. She insisted that I call DP and tell him he MUST come back to get us. Eventually he did, but he was so angry with me.

Since all of that, since a lot of dust has settled, he has apologised for what he did. I have tried to move on. But in the last couple of days, MIL has been taken to hospital, and he was on the edge of his seat ready to jump in the car and drive four hours to be near her.

I've lost a parent very young. There is no way that I would throw any of the past back at him as a reason he shouldn't go. I have actively encouraged him to go. None of that is the issue.

The issue is knowing that when I needed him, he couldn't be there for me, but he will move hell and high water to be near his mum when she's unwell (not terminal in any way, I should add)

AIBU to still feel pain about this? It's affecting my ability to support him properly. I've been giving him short answers and focusing on housework. If I am BU, please help me to see it. If I'm not, then what do I do from here? How do I get past it? This is obviously not healthy for either of us!!

Please help

You're there to service him and make sure he's ok. Who is making sure you're ok? Id be out of there I'm afraid. He doesn't appear to like you or respect you at all.

Yanbu. I think you are realising that his priority is not the children and you. In fact, he makes things harder as when he lets you down without you expecting, you are left (for example) without Aptamil/without a pushchair etc. I once begged my exH to come home from work as I was so ill I could NOT look after young toddlers safely. I’d never asked him that before, am not overly-dramatic, he said no. It makes you start drawing away from them and putting your barriers up.
My husband now, he would drop everything if I needed him, like I would him. And the children are his world.

I'd suggest couple counseling, because resentment is very destructive in a marriage. I think that's more useful than just giving my view of events. I wasn't there. There seems quite a lot of waiting around to be rescued, which would make me quite impatient, but it's hard to tell the full dynamic from just two incidents.

I've had similar things with DH tbh, for him it's that he feels the need to earn everyone elses time, like if he doesn't do what they want or need they'll leave him or be horrible to him. Whereas with me, he doesn't feel that need to earn me, he knows I'm there no matter what.
It took a while of reminding him and a few hard lessons of "no, you've treated me badly, like you dont respect me, so I'm not helping you with this." And strongly telling him that I will not stick around no matter what, if he isn't going to treat me as someone who matters to him then I will leave.

I think, after all this, you need to have a conversation about how he treats you and how it makes you feel that he's not on your team. But I wouldn't dock the boat while his parents ill as it's too fragile a time and he'll be hurt and resent you and wont see your point.

I'd suggest dumping him.

He showed no interest/concern/love for you or his kids. You are not his priority and I doubt will ever be.

You've only known him 4 years and you have two children. You probably didn't know him well enough before having kids. He's showing you who he really is.

Going against the grain here and not similar things but I remember when my first was little DH and I had some teething problems together as new parents. I held on to the resentment for a few months but it all came out one evening and l spoke to him about his angry and let down I was and he apologised and meant it. He’s brought it up again only to to say how much he regrets a few incidents back then, which I appreciate.

Anyway the point is I have truly let the anger go. They weren’t huge things in they grand scheme of things but I was resentful but we have a loving and respectful marriage, he had apologised and I fully accept his apology and have let go.

You say he has apologised but I suppose you don’t accept his apology. This is either U on your behalf if he is truly sorry and the incidents don’t look like repeating themselves OR you don’t believe he really sees that he did anything wrong?
The last one was a year ago. In the last year is he more dependable or are you unable to rely on him?

@Spinakker

It all sounds very complicated but in the first instance I think your mum could have been more supportive. You were already staying with her, she shouldn't have demanded your DP come and pick you up. Couldn't she help you with your DC? Also it Sounds like your MIL is not very supportive either. Your DP definitely could have done more but it sounds like he was put in unfortunate circumstances both times with the friend unexpectedly needing to come home and his DM punching a wall ?! All Sounds stressful for him as well and I think you should try and let it go. Can you learn to drive yourself?

I think you've misunderstood a lot there!

OP does drive. She was at her mums and when it came time to go home again she was too shattered to drive, so she asked her DP to hop on a bus and come drive them home again.

He said no cos he didn't want to put himself out. But when his friend 'unexpectedly needed to go home' he was off like a shot... and child free to play with his chums!

Odd how he can out himself out for a mte but not his own child, no?

You mention you are a SAHM - are you and your DP married?

When mil assaulted the wall, couldn’t you put the baby to bed and when baby is asleep nipped to the shops to buy baby milk?

Your partner sounds hopeless though. It sounds like he prefers time away from you.

If those are the only times you feel unsupported yabu but if they're the too of the iceberg then obviously not.

I do understand the being tired one. I had to let my dd down on the day ( a friends mum took her hone for me though she could have got a bus) because I felt I'd be a danger on the road.

You weren't unreasonable to be pissed off at the time, for the second thing especially. The first one wasn't that big of a deal in my opinion. I can't imagine my DP ever "coming to my rescue", unless there was literally no other option. Nor would I be happy about "rescuing" him in that situation. It's not realistic surely?

I know what it's like to be angry about past incidents. I suppose you have to think about why you got over it at the time, and what has happened since then - more of the same?

It's interesting to me that you seem to accept slightly ridiculous excuses from your mother and MIL but not very interested in giving your DP the benefit of the doubt. Which might be fair enough but is an indication of the state of your relationship.

I think YABU on 1 - I think a man who said he got tired looking after his baby at his mum's and asked his wife to take public transport to drive him back would have been comprehensively dismissed as a bit useless.

YANBU on 2 - but I guess it is all about how your relationship is overall

I hope this doesn’t come across as excessively harsh because I certainly don’t mean it to be but...

Do you think it was all a little too much too soon for him (to have two children with someone you’ve only been with for four years) and he was feeling trapped by your situation? It might explain his reluctance to reunite with you and DC.

I know that sounds quite awful on first look but it is something that can at least be worked on as your relationship progresses and those feeling dissipate.

Slight derail, and sorry if I missed it, but did she punch the wall deliberately? If so, that’s pretty violent and concerning.

The first one wasn't that big of a deal in my opinion. I can't imagine my DP ever "coming to my rescue", unless there was literally no other option. Nor would I be happy about "rescuing" him in that situation. It's not realistic surely?

So if your DP suddenly found himself too unwell to drive whilst being responsible for a small child, you'd tell him to sod off because you don't do rescuing? You'd be unhappy about having to help him - and ensuring the safety of your child? She wasn't fit to drive! Her other option was to get behind the wheel, put herself, child and other road users at risk.

WTF am I reading?

YANBU to still be upset. You aren't dating, you're co-parents and partners. He is meant to do the drudgery, too. Instead, he's opting out and making it harder on you. That's not someone who cares about you. Reevaluate this relationship and weigh your options.

It's interesting to me that you seem to accept slightly ridiculous excuses from your mother and MIL but not very interested in giving your DP the benefit of the doubt.

Theyre neither her partner or the children's parent!

So, what I've gleaned from this thread is that it's unreasonable to expect to rely on your partner in times of need (or even for them to take their family home on a family trip using one car) and anyone who does so is useless?!

Does he drink or do drugs? That might explain his reluctance to get you - he was drinking/high? Either way, it’s not an excuse but I’d rather my DP not drive if he was going to break the law. Certainly, in the second example, he knew he would be driving on Sunday so shouldn’t have tried to wriggle out of it. I suspect you have bigger issues than two incidents of not picking you up.

Have there been other times that he has helped you? Either lift wise or in other ways when you have needed him?

He has apologised and this is a very difficult situation. I think if you look at them, your two instances are social trips away vs a stint in hospital. I don’t think you should compare them as the urgency and emotions would be quite different.

You can't let it go because he had shown you clearly where you stand in his personal scale of things to give a about and it isn't where you would wish to be.
That's pretty upsetting whatever you do next.
Accept your lot, forgive and carry on as you are, which is fine and certainly an option, at least you will know what depths of effort he will go to for you now when he is measuring up your needs versus his wants in his mind. Or you decide that isn't the relationship you want for life and plan an exit.

I think we all have things that have happened in our relationships that continue to bother us, particularly from the early days.

DH always prioritised work over home. I fell and broke a rib when I had a newborn and a toddler, he wouldn't come home from work. He missed our oldest's first scan because he couldn't get out of work.

Over the years I have managed to make him better understand what I need from him. 20 years on, we are in a great place and he is embarrassed by his past behaviour.

@Cam2020

It's interesting to me that you seem to accept slightly ridiculous excuses from your mother and MIL but not very interested in giving your DP the benefit of the doubt.

Theyre neither her partner or the children's parent!

So, what I've gleaned from this thread is that it's unreasonable to expect to rely on your partner in times of need (or even for them to take their family home on a family trip using one car) and anyone who does so is useless?!

Why is unreasonable to have help from your DM or MIL when they are the only other adult with you and you’ve been staying with them?

I don’t think posters are saying it’s all on them but whilst OP was waiting for DP or staying there, it seems like they haven’t helped much. I don’t think her DM/MIL helping prior to the drive home and him helping to pick her up are mutually exclusive. Surely they can both happen?

A long, long time ago DH and I decided that things that happened in the sleep deprived years should stay in the sleep deprived years. This includes the time I made him do a drive with jet lag because I'd been up all night with the baby, by the way. No sleep does funny things to us all. You need to let the first incident go.

The second incident is a bit more of an issue and yes, it seems that your DH is one of those chaps who'll do anything for anyone - unless it's his partner and family. They are not my favourite kind of people. However you can't change the past.

I do agree with the pp that there's a bit of the bereaved child in here; he'll drive 4 hours to see his mother in the hospital but wouldn't drive four hours to pick me up. That's maybe worth exploring. But again, it's NOT his fault that his mum hurt her hand, it's NOT his fault that you didn't have a buggy and it's NOT his fault that you ran out of formula. You're loading an awful lot onto an incident which was simply that someone didn't fancy driving for 16 hours over two days. The fault was that he was too keen to help his friend, not that he abandoned you.

Both of your mothers seem a little over enmeshed in your lives too...

Theyre neither her partner or the children's parent!

I agree with that in general but in these cases, they are the ones actually there. If I am with my parents and my DH, of course I look to my husband first for help but if I am struggling with tiredness and they are there and he isn't, I am going to look to them rather than call my husband to rescue me. In scenario 1, I would have asked my parents for help with the non sleeping child and potentially also for a lift home rather than phone my husband

So, what I've gleaned from this thread is that it's unreasonable to expect to rely on your partner in times of need (or even for them to take their family home on a family trip using one car) and anyone who does so is useless?!

Nobody has said that at all The OP has already said that for the second incident there was so much shopping bought that they wouldn't all fit in the car. It was going to be two journeys needed from that point anyway, it was more about the timing.

It could equally be that the OP develops a 'need to be rescued' when her partner is doing something else - you're only getting one side here, don't forget.