Husband's down time

[Pondlife87]

We have a 16 month old daughter who is a terrible sleeper.
Both my husband and I work. He does 5 days a week and I do 3.
We did split maternity. When i was off i did all the night wakings. When he was off we shared it as past 3am she will not settle without feeding (she is breastfed).

Now we are both back at work he does the first shift (10.30-2.30) and i do the second shift (2.30-7) of her waking. She tends to end up in bed with us from about 4 as otherwise I'm up every 30 minutes settling her. We've tried having her in bed with us all night, but she just wants to feed constantly if I'm near her and won't accept Dad.

So- i get to my point. Dad has always been a night owl and stays in his workhouse every Friday until 3am doing projects. This means we have to swap the shifts. This means I am up between 10.30-3 resettling her. Then when he comes to bed, because she needs to feed I am awake hourly resetting her and she will only accept me. Then because he has been up until 3am he gets the lie in. I get the lie in the following day.
I have expressed i am unhappy about it as I get next to no sleep all Friday night because i essentially do both shifts. He argues that lots of men/ women go out every weekend.
However i do not think it is ok to go out every weekend until 3am if you have a child, so i don't see why this is different?
I've suggested he can go out but take the baby monitor to do thr first shift and he said no. I suggest he go out and come in earlier at say 12/1 and he said no.
Am i being unreasonable with my requests?
Is there a middle ground? Can you offer any otjer solutions?
Please note this is not a request for advice to help baby sleep better. I've tried everything haha.

Venice you seem to have spectacularly missed the point.

At 16mths I got a sleep consultant, cost about £150, it was all done via telephone/texts. He was sleeping through the night in less than a week.

I was convinced it wouldn't work, which is why I waited so long. He's just turned 2 and is still following the exact routine that was set for him, and still sleeps all night.

Re: not settling after 3am without feeding, how did your DH settle her/feed her during shared mat/pat leave when you weren't there? I'm assuming he managed it then.

@Bluntness100

f they child slept through there would be nothing to post about

Yes and if 6 month olds could use the toilet then there'd be no need to change their nappies. The child is not developmentally ready to sleep through. The parents do not want to train her like a dog. The OP was clear about this IN HER FIRST POST. Why give her advice on something she hasn't just not asked for, but has categorically said she doesn't want?

My child was ff and went through the night at eleven weeks
What a crappy thing to say to a mum who is struggling with sleep deprivation!
My own dc was sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old. And she was breastfed. I think you lost out on 9 weeks of uninterrupted sleep there didn’t you? That’s a really crap thing for me to say isn’t it? But it’s the same as you’ve done to OP. Your feeding choices are your business but I have known enough families to know that a lot of how well their children sleep is down to luck Of personalities and nothing else. Obviously not all, but a lot.

Unfortunately, the human race has forgotten about the biological norms of breastfeeding. A couple of hundred years ago, no one would have thought anything about a toddler waking in the night and now it’s classed as one of the worst things that can happen (I get that it isn’t really compatible with modern life, I really do, but throughout human history babies have fed through the night And 16 months wouldn’t have been too out there for a baby to be waking up).
And I would be really surprised if stopping the nap of a 16 month old had an improvement on this families life. I would imagine it would lead to them being over tired, grumpy, unsociable and generally horrendous by tea time.

I BF both of mine past 12 months but at around 13 months I stopped feeding them through the night. I went in and gave them a cuddle and offered them water when they woke but no breast milk. I had two horrific nights and one disrupted night with my daughter and just one night with my son before they both slept through 7-7 and have done ever since (with the exception of the odd nightmare or illness).
I’ll be honest, it really fixed everything. They were in better moods in the day, me and my husband weren’t exhausted and had more time and patience with each other. It made our lives really come back into colour.
I know it’s not the advice you’re looking for but I really think it’s the only advice that will improve your situation.

I extended breastfed my four DC until they they were 2yrs+. I used a pump and expressed breast milk as well. But zero formula.

What you’ve written is incorrect, breastmilk can cause tooth decay through night feeds the same as formula.

Night feeds are not needed at 16mos. They should be sleeping through the night usually, but never needing a feed.

The night feeds are the CAUSE of her problem.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Well it worked for my four DC. The father has to learn to settle a child at some point, the longer you let it go on that only mum does it the worse it gets

The dad can settle her for the first part of the night. When he does his share the OP has no issues. Her only issue is the DH wanting a free pass one night and morning a week , leaving her sleep deprived.

@Hamm87

Sorry but i have just read though 6 pages and your dh needs his down time he works 5 days a week does 6 night shift a week and 1 lie in a week so if you want fair you work 5 days not 3 days a week do 6 night shifts and 1 lie in a week split all house work so everything is even thats the only way that would be fair you all work the same hours equal down time equal sleep ect. However it seems you resent him having his time what do you do on your 2 extra days off a week??

I'd assume the OP is looking after their baby the 2 days a week she's not at work.

If your up all night with the baby then he needs to let you have the lie in. My partner is a night owl too and knows if he stays up late he has to deal with the next day tired because its his choice.

@PlanDeRaccordement

What you’ve written is incorrect, breastmilk can cause tooth decay through night feeds the same as formula

If fed via a bottle, yes. But not if fed via breast. The positioning of the breast is different and milk doesn't pool in the mouth.

@PlanDeRaccordement

On what biological basis do you make such sweeping statements about what is needed and what 16mth olds "should" be doing? If parented responsively and in accordance with the biological norm, the majority of 16mos are doing exactly what the OP's child is. You can train them out of it for sure. But there is no overpowering biological reason why you "should".

The night feeds are the CAUSE of her problem.

The cause of the problem is her selfish DH not pulling his weight with his own kid. A breastfed 16month old can be waking for a number of reasons other than feeding.

When he's having his lie in put your toddler into the room and let her wake him up- if you don't get one he can't have one! Maybe start a hobby yourself and plonk yourself next to him with the baby monitor, be as petty as you need to be until it's more hassle than it's worth for him

Oh God, sorry for having some many unwanted advices on feedings/night weening etc OP. Your DH is unreasonable and not you. This is not working for you as a family - his night hobbies etc and he and you need a find another solution

I sympathise with the night wakings, I ended up like this with DD2 (although by accident rather than a conscious parenting decision!)

Its completely unfair, but as he is refusing to budge, tell him that he is doing all nights on Saturdays and if she wont settle for him after 3am, tough.

I know that sounds hard on the baby but he will crack before she suffers any issues, and lets face it, if you were ill or in hospital say, he would have to do it then anyway.

Hold firm, I am pretty sure it will only take one night of you steadfastly refusing to take over and he will suddenly find a compromise he can live with.....

Also ignore all the comments about sleep training! My husband and I each take one child (him toddler and me baby) and we go to bed when they do at 9pm! We both have to wake up to them but we get a good rest by going to bed early and in separate beds. We just see it as a short period of our lives. Sleep is SO important and it's disgusting that he's letting you be so sleep deprived. The least he can offer you is a nap in the daytime?

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@PlanDeRaccordement

What you’ve written is incorrect, breastmilk can cause tooth decay through night feeds the same as formula

If fed via a bottle, yes. But not if fed via breast. The positioning of the breast is different and milk doesn't pool in the mouth.[/quote]
Also by breast because the milk sugars coat the teeth. Breastfed babies are not immune.
““Previously, research has shown that human milk, unlike cow's milk, doesn't cause cavities. However, some newer studies say that the sugar from breast milk may also cause decalcification,” explains Dr. De los Reyes.

So it is not impossible for baby bottle tooth decay to happen especially if there is unswallowed breast milk in a baby's mouth. As AAP points out, “Breastfeeding infants who fall asleep while nursing with unswallowed milk in their mouths are also vulnerable to tooth decay.”

www.smartparenting.com.ph/health/your-kids-health/pediatric-dentists-answer-can-breastmilk-cause-tooth-decay-a1162-20170320

I absolutely knew this would turn into a thread about how my baby isn't sleeping through the night.
Whilst I appreciate the time everyone took to respond, i specifically said I didn't want advice on her sleep habits.

But her awful sleep habits are the reason you’re pissed off and don’t get enough sleep, so of course people will say you’re making a rod for your own back. It isn’t logical to complain about lack of sleep when you won’t sleep train her.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Neither OP or her DH are up for leaving baby crying so subbing in Dad when she wants Mum/boobs is not going to work well for them.

Well it worked for my four DC. The father has to learn to settle a child at some point, the longer you let it go on that only mum does it the worse it gets.

No, otherwise my son wouldn't have been fine with my husband doing it after I'd been doing it for 2 or 3 years.

[quote VeniceQueen2004]@PlanDeRaccordement

On what biological basis do you make such sweeping statements about what is needed and what 16mth olds "should" be doing? If parented responsively and in accordance with the biological norm, the majority of 16mos are doing exactly what the OP's child is. You can train them out of it for sure. But there is no overpowering biological reason why you "should".[/quote]
The biological basis that I have had four DCs. I’m not saying anything different from what a dozen other posters have said so calm down.
On what basis are you saying “biological norm”? Are you babyologist?

The baby is only 16mos old and already is a pawn in the battle between mum and dad for the right to a lie in. hyperfocussed on who gets to have a lie in, the OP is forgetting that all the faffing about all night every night is completely unnecessary and if eliminated, everyone could have a glorious lie in.

Some people are beyond help and you two are those people.

@JenniferSantoro

Surely your baby should t be feeding in the night at 16 months old. It sounds like you’re letting your baby run rings around you.

A baby can not run rings around an adult. They are behaving like a baby.

@PlanDeRaccordement

The baby is only 16mos old and already is a pawn in the battle between mum and dad for the right to a lie in. hyperfocussed on who gets to have a lie in, the OP is forgetting that all the faffing about all night every night is completely unnecessary and if eliminated, everyone could have a glorious lie in.

It would be nice if the dad thought his baby’s needs were more important than his hobby though wouldn’t it? When they’re only 16 months in. Since it’s the 3am hobby (which I would absolutely love to know more about) that’s stopping everything going to plan.