DP of nearly 50 still needing to discuss decisions with parent

[theprincessmittens]

I've been in a relationship with DP for 11 years. I'm 52, DP turns 50 later this year. DP's father does not approve of me for various reasons, so I've not seen either of DP's parents for the last 4 years. I live 200 miles away from DP and his parents.

DP's father has given him £1K as a birthday present...paid it straight into DP's bank account. DP decided to use the money to take both of us on holiday to a Greek island later this month. After yesterday's announcement, I suggested to DP that we move the holiday to next April/May...it would actually be £200 cheaper to do so. DP is also not certain his job would be happy with him having to quarantine when we return...

AIBU to be annoyed when DP then said he'd need to talk to his father first? I asked why on Earth he needed to do so, surely the decision is between the two of us, as the people actually going on the holiday? Any money refunded would go back to DP, not his father.

DP has a history of telling his parents too much, it's caused problems before. I don't like DP's father in particular as he treats us both like stupid 16 year olds...it was the main reason I decided to cut contact. In my eyes, DP going to his father like this just encourages it.

And what was dp reply when you asked him why on earth he needs to consult his dad?

@JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth He really didn't have one. It was like the idea that his father didn't need to be consulted never occurred to him.

It is ridiculous consulting parents at that age. Did your DP mean he just wanted to say, 'thanks for the birthday gift, me and princess are going on holiday with it and we are really looking forward to it', more telling them what he is doing with the money?

I agree this must be very wearing. This particular example wouldn't be a massive thing on its own and would very much depend on whether he was just informing them in a polite chitchat kind of way to let them know how the money was being used, or whether it was a case of "I must see if my dad says that I'm allowed to use the money in this way".

If it is the second then eurgh, I can't think of anything less attractive. My DP can be a bit like this with his mother, it isn't an attractive trait.

To get a proper sense of whether you are being unreasonable, some more examples and context would be helpful. I voted YANBU based on what you have written.

@Dillydallyingthrough No, he was going to ask his father what he should do about changing it. Actually asking for his father's permission to change it. That's what I'm so annoyed about.

@MyOwnSummer It was most definitely your second scenario.

I don't want to give many examples (DP knows I'm on here) but even minor decisions, it seems he feels his father needs to have a say on. DP can't seem to understand that as an adult he can make decisions and it's perfectly fine if his father doesn't agree with them.

That's really odd. Does he consult his father on everything?

I could see him mentioning it if the dad brought something up - "Oh did you book a holiday with your birthday money?" "Yeah, we did, but we moved it to next year because of the potential quarantine!" but not "What do you think, should I?".

That to me makes it sound like he's either really unable to stand on his own two feet or his dad's a controlling nightmare. Maybe both!

YANBU to be annoyed.
I'm sure most adults would happily change the holiday dates accordingly. And I think most parents who had gifted the money would understand if it was subsequently mentioned after the fact "oh, we've pushed back the holiday because of covid". Why consult before I really don't know.

Ahhh, crossposted. Yeah, that's an issue. More charitably, it sounds like he could do with some therapy to realise he's a grown adult who doesn't require his father's approval and that disagreeing with someone isn't the end of the world, and my less charitable but honest response is that ain't nobody got time to teach a 50 year old man how to be an adult and that would reaaaaaaally put me off!

NC

@yelyah22 Yes, he does tend to. It's been the source of friction over the years. I sometimes feel like we have zero privacy.

And yes, his father is a control freak nightmare who in the last few years has alienated much of his family by trying to control them. It's sad for DP's mother, they don't get invited to family events anymore because the family is sick of the way DP's father acts.

Ok based on your response to my question, you are definitely not being unreasonable, it sounds very unhealthy. I notice you said you live quite distance apart, does he live with them, possibly still having a parent/child dynamic? Even still, I'm not surprised your annoyed, do you challenge him every time he says similar? So he can see how ridiculous it is? Tbh I'm not sure what to advise as I wouldn't find this attractive or be very happy that he is involving his parents in your decisions.

Fucking hell, run for your life. If a 50 year old man still needs approval and permission from mummy and daddy, there is absolutely no hope of this ever changing. Find an actual grown up to share your life with.

DP is an only child, which I really feel doesn't help. His father has made it crystal clear that he's disappointed in the path DP's life has taken - his job, etc and is basically annoyed DP isn't a carbon copy of him. He even gave DP the same (very common) first name! (Which DP hates)

Very unhealthy imo.
I guess if your partner has grown up with this it wont seem half as odd to him. It is weird though!

@Dillydallyingthrough @Aquamarine1029 They don't live together but very near...which I'm not keen on either. DP's mother is showing early signs of dementia and his father is less than useless at dealing with it, so DP wants to be nearby.

You are both right, it is very unattractive and I have told him this. It's one of the reasons why I am happy not to have DP living with me - I've come to the conclusion that I never want to share my home full time with a man again! I was married twice before so this level of commitment is all I'm interested in.

Not in a snarky way, but I'd love to know the reasoning of anyone who thinks I am being unreasonable. In case there is a angle I've not considered, etc

Urgh not sexually attractive op.
Do the apron strings even reach?

Bizarre but I’d let him get in with it.

I have 2 brothers who are just like this. Funnily enough, they've never had long term relationships. Barely any relationships at all, in fact. Both need our mother's approval to do anything. They're late 50s...
I'm 'difficult' apparently. That's code for I do my own thing and have stronger boundaries than they do. I also have been happily married for 30 years.
I think my mother vents her spleen to my brothers when she doesn't get to rule my life as she does theirs.
To be clear, I'm kind and caring towards mother, within the constraints of strong boundaries I've had to put in place.
I'd suggest counselling to partner, OP. And I would seriously reconsider my relationship if he didn't at least attempt to change. I do understand how difficult it is to reverse a lifetime of that family dynamic, but if he isn't willing to try you're stuck with a daddy's boy for life!

It seems weird to ask permission that way. I do still like to ask my parents opinion on things, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that, but I wouldn't ask permission unless it directly affected them.

What do you get out of this "relationship" now?. The quote marks here are deliberate. Is this all you think you deserve in a relationship?. His father still treats his son like a child, not even a 16 year old here.

Why are you at all with this man?. Love here is not enough. Do not waste yet more of your own precious years on him. He will not change.

To be fair, although it would really put me off him, the biggest issues I'd have with this would be around potential child rearing and living together, and it sounds as though you'll be doing neither, so it's probably deal-with-able, especially after such a long relationship.

I'd still very much urge him to get some therapy though. It IS unattractive, and frankly really annoying, but it clearly comes from a place of having always been controlled by his dad and - bit of armchair psychology here - men in particular, and especially men of older generations, find the concept of reflecting on their neuroses and working on them in therapy a bit alien. (Again, this is VERY MUCH armchair psychology and anecdotal evidence - but I have friends in their fifties who think the idea of going to work out some generational trauma or deep-rooted issues in therapy is just so weird as to be laughable!). So it's quite possible that it's never occured to him that he needs help to work out why he can't get past this barrier of being under his dad's thumb.

Also, in a bleaker note, he may otherwise find that when his dad dies he will have an especially difficult time as he then works out his emotions around being 'free' or not having anyone to control him or resentment... etc etc... depending on how he feels about his dad. Again, I've experienced and seen something very very similar, so this is anecdotal.

But, if you don't want to throw the whole man away, tell him THERAPY IS GOOD.

Does DP feel that the gift of money from his dad comes with strings attached? Do they use money to control him? £1,000 is a lot of money to gift an adult child for a birthday, so I can only assume that they have substantial funds to draw from. It's not the first time that parents use money to control their children. Sounds like a power imbalance, but not sure how you solve it if it's still going strong in his 50's.