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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP of nearly 50 still needing to discuss decisions with parent

91 replies

theprincessmittens · 08/09/2020 15:09

I've been in a relationship with DP for 11 years. I'm 52, DP turns 50 later this year. DP's father does not approve of me for various reasons, so I've not seen either of DP's parents for the last 4 years. I live 200 miles away from DP and his parents.

DP's father has given him £1K as a birthday present...paid it straight into DP's bank account. DP decided to use the money to take both of us on holiday to a Greek island later this month. After yesterday's announcement, I suggested to DP that we move the holiday to next April/May...it would actually be £200 cheaper to do so. DP is also not certain his job would be happy with him having to quarantine when we return...

AIBU to be annoyed when DP then said he'd need to talk to his father first? I asked why on Earth he needed to do so, surely the decision is between the two of us, as the people actually going on the holiday? Any money refunded would go back to DP, not his father.

DP has a history of telling his parents too much, it's caused problems before. I don't like DP's father in particular as he treats us both like stupid 16 year olds...it was the main reason I decided to cut contact. In my eyes, DP going to his father like this just encourages it.

OP posts:

caringcarer · 08/09/2020 17:53

My brother in law is 55 and still lives at home with Mummy and Daddy. Mummy cooks all of his meals and packs him up a lunch every workday. Mummy also washes his clothes and irons them, then folds them and puts them in his drawers or hangs them in his wardrobe. Brother in law goes out twice a year without his parents when he goes on a work do at Xmas and before summer break. He spends half of the evening with them eating and then watching TV with them. Two nights a week he spends in his room. He has no friends let alone a partner. He pays his parents a pittance for living in their home.

MiL has told me she can't go for a holiday as son would not be able to manage without her to cook for him. Brother in law has no learning difficulties. I have suggested he could pick up a takeaway or have one delivered. MiL smiles and says he prefers her cooking.

I am a terrible wife and mother because I expect my dh to iron his own shirts. Our grown up sons live at home whilst saving for a deposit and I am apparently mean to expect them to wash their own clothing and cook one night a week each. Our children also should not be going out week nights according to inlaws. I had to point out to inlaws our sons are not at school anymore and can manage their own lives.

MiL shakes her head and pampers our sons when they go to visit about once every 12 weeks as they live 120 miles away. Mil especially rings them both and asks what they would like for dinner so she can cook them their favourite meals. She sends them home with a tin of cakes or a pie as if she thinks they don't eat properly at home.

The thing I hate the most is that when we go for a weekend visit she fawns over my dh as if he is a small child and he sheepishly allows it.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2020 17:55

@caringcarer

Sweet Jesus. That is unbelievable.

janetmendoza · 08/09/2020 17:58

Are you sure you are really in a proper relationship with this man op? You have been 'together' for ages but live 200 miles apart and he values the opinions of his Dad more than yours.Does he honestly think of you as a partner? Cos it sounds like hes not particularly in to you.

KatherineofTarragon · 08/09/2020 18:04

@nosswith "Your DPs father supporting and defending a mass killer would mean I could not accept anything from him".

Eh? What have i missed? The OP's DP is a serial killer????

chatterbugmegastar · 08/09/2020 18:09

It's pretty spineless. Is he like this in other areas of life? What do you get from the relationship?

NataliaOsipova · 08/09/2020 18:11

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

How deeply unattractive.

It is! I must admit to being unable to date a man when we were both 24 because of this - he was so attached to “home” and his mum that he seemed like a 15 year old and I wanted a grown man. At 50, it’s quite bizarre....

That said, I have a long term single friend of 46 who often gives his mother’s opinion on things (but more like “my mum wasn’t happy about my going on holiday to Russia on my own” - that sort of thing). I’ve always assumed it’s a side effect of being long term single as it’s the sort of thing anyone would say if you substituted “my wife” for “ my mother”.

Time40 · 08/09/2020 18:17

I live in a city Father doesn't approve of

Oooh gosh - which one, and why does he not approve?

Devlesko · 08/09/2020 18:25

YABU, you've had 11 years. I'd have bailed out before the first.
You can leave if you don't want to put up with a daddies boy.

Boredbumhead · 08/09/2020 18:26

I can kind of see this a bit. My mother has tended to dominate my decisions too much. Somehow she has an opinion on what I should do, where I should live and work etc. It's a weird dynamic to be embroiled in but I get it. Why do you live 200 miles apart though?

romeolovedjulliet · 08/09/2020 18:27

@noirchatsdeux

@yelyah22 Yes, he does tend to. It's been the source of friction over the years. I sometimes feel like we have zero privacy.

And yes, his father is a control freak nightmare who in the last few years has alienated much of his family by trying to control them. It's sad for DP's mother, they don't get invited to family events anymore because the family is sick of the way DP's father acts.

has you name change changed so to speak ?

notwavingbutdrowning5 · 08/09/2020 18:31

It strikes me, OP, that your DP is deferring to his father over relatively small things but he has stood up to him over big things - the relationship with you, the lack of a wedding invite for you. I think that counts for quite a lot. Is he perhaps just trying to give his dad the illusion of retaining some control?

Don’t get me wrong - asking his parent’s permission at his age is ludicrous. But he has stood by you when it matters. That counts for a lot.

noirchatsdeux · 08/09/2020 19:10

@romeolovedjulliet I am the OP.

@notwavingbutdrowning5 I agree with your assessment. He has stood by me a lot. I was annoyed today when he said he couldn't give me the go-ahead to change the holiday without speaking to his father first.

romeolovedjulliet · 08/09/2020 19:23

[quote noirchatsdeux]@romeolovedjulliet I am the OP.

@notwavingbutdrowning5 I agree with your assessment. He has stood by me a lot. I was annoyed today when he said he couldn't give me the go-ahead to change the holiday without speaking to his father first.[/quote]
it's just that your 1st few posts were posted as 'princessmittens' that's why i'm confused, don't mind me

User43210 · 09/09/2020 06:32

@noirchatsdeux my initial worry would be they were planning a holiday at the same time as the 50th present. Seems unlikely from what you said but it was my initial worry 😂

WiserOlder · 09/09/2020 08:43

@caringcarer it is sad, these women suspect deeeeep down that they have given up their life just to serve and if they think about that for a moment it is terrifying, so they elevate the act of service in to something almost spiritual to defend against reality penetrating their cognitive dissonance.

monkeymonkey2010 · 09/09/2020 11:17

he was going to ask his father what he should do about changing it. Actually asking for his father's permission to change it
YOU are choosing to stay with him knowing this and knowing he will never change.

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